Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 30 of 30

Thread: Master of Words, Mistress of Stone

  1. #21
    Member
    EXP: 2,232, Level: 2
    Level completed: 8%, EXP required for next level: 2,768
    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,768
    GP
    614
    Pinions of Daedalion's Avatar

    Name
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Age
    42
    Race
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    124cm / 78kg
    Job
    Engineer, Alchemist, Artificer

    View Profile
    Sigrun looked up from the last of the satchels, brow fraught and lips worried. The bullet had torn through the delicate gears of her prosthetic limb like a fencing blade through parchment. Her entire left arm had little use beyond deadweight. But neither the pain of her wrenched shoulder nor the frustration of her unfruitful search could compare to the urgency of the warning her sixth sense screamed at her.

    Her eyes travelled not to the pile of tablet-like stones she had pulled from the Alerian hoard. Her nose reached beyond the acrid stench of gunpowder, nearly drowned beneath the heady petrichor and wafting corruption. Her ears skipped past Obahyurur’s metallic groans as sharpshooter and bladedancer fought it to a standstill. She concentrated on the roiling clouds above, heedless of the slick rain leaving oily streaks upon her face. Something approached through the mirky skies, something neither beast nor monster... something...

    Only she caught the faint flash of fire in the dark, far over the sharpshooter’s head. Only she picked out the thundercrack of the report, louder than any chime of falchion upon iron hide. Only she had the sense to throw herself into cover, leaving the last of the precious artefacts exposed to the wind and the rain and the wrath of what had just come.

    By Freyja’s right pap, she swore to herself as the world erupted in bright lights and flying shrapnel. No wonder they camped here long enough for us to catch up!

    The skyship parted the clouds like a valkyrie calling the dawn, two hundred feet of sleek oak hull suspended from spidersilk sacs inflated with buoyant deadgas. An Alerian frigate, swift as the west wind and as powerful as any behemoth to fly the skies of the Dagger Peaks. Fifty trained elves manned their battle stations: boarding marines, bombardier gunners, and arcanotech engineers. No doubt, like all frigate crews, they shared a hunger to make a name for themselves and secure promotion to a ship-of-the-line or even a dreadnought. It was a sign of dark elven military superiority that they would risk it, unescorted, deep in enemy territory to retrieve a stranded team of specialists.

    Port and starboard swivel guns, mounted in the keel of the vessel with unrestricted fields of fire upon ground targets, opened up anew with lances of flame. Curtains of steam rose where they gouged great craters in the sodden earth. The Blackcloaks retreated behind the veil as rappel lines let loose from the frigate’s under-hatches.

    “Oby! Sham Abram!” she bellowed at the top of her lungs. She had to hope that her voice would reach the golem over the deafening thrum of the skyship’s engines and the unrelenting hammering of heavy rain upon earth.

    She had lost. There was not a chance in the underearth that she could go up against even the least of Alerian war-machines and hope to survive.

    The Blackcloaks would retrieve their artefacts and disappear. She would remain behind with a broken arm, a half-destroyed golem, and the unimportant ingredients of a useless recipe.

    The elves and that accursed taleweaver had outwitted her completely, unless...

    Unless...

    Shards of splintered stone skimmed her metal limbs as the bombardiers on board the Alerian vessel methodically reduced the Raiaeran temple to rubble. Light leather footfalls in churned mud heralded the arrival of the frigate’s complement of marines to bolster the Blackcloaks.

    But Sigrun’s eyes narrowed in dawning realisation and, following a moment’s reflection, deathly malice.
    -Level 1-

    To live forever
    Heart of stone
    To never escape
    Forever alone

  2. #22
    Member
    EXP: 3,391, Level: 2
    Level completed: 47%, EXP required for next level: 1,609
    Level completed: 47%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,609
    GP
    1,086
    Diadems of Promethion's Avatar

    Name
    Throld Sartet
    Age
    68
    Race
    Dwarf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Red
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    150cm / 114kg
    Job
    Runekeeper, Loreweaver, Spymaster

    It didn’t take him long to realise that the frigate’s gunners intended to destroy the entire temple, just on the off-chance that further threats lurked in the shadows. Throld deemed it prudent to emerge from his cover with Vera holstered on his back and both hands raised in appeasement. It didn’t save him from being thrust to the ground in front of the Blackcloak lieutenant for the second time in two days.

    Thankfully, though, One had more important matters on his mind.

    “The golem?” he asked Four, gritting his teeth against the pain as a marine medic saw to the gash in his features the dwarf-dam had inflicted. At the least it would leave a distinguished scar across the bridge of his nose, and that was if none of the Necromancer’s corruption had entered his body through the wound. Throld wondered if it would give him more authority with his troops the next time he led an expedition into Raiaera. If he ever got the chance to, of course.

    “Down. For now. Doesn’t look like it’s going to move.” Four spoke through clenched jaw, biting down on everything he left unsaid. Still he managed to make himself heard over the report of the light cannons and the loud hum of the mana engines. “Would you like us to take it aboard the Predator?”

    “No,” One replied, without sparing any effort in deliberation. “We cannot afford to tarry. Get the wounded and the artefacts aboard. We leave before our pathetic elder kin know we’re here.”

    “Mirhgar and Allevial have both passed into shadow,” Five interrupted, sheathing his bloody blade with a flourish usually reserved for Raiaeran Bladesingers. His eyes, of a lighter shade than his comrades, gleamed in sorrow from beneath his full face mask. “But Zilkas still clings to the light.”

    “Poor tough fool,” One remarked, wincing as the medic tied the last stitch of a crude battlefield dressing.

    Four visibly had to restrain himself from flying at his superior. “And the only one of our Greencloaks to make it back, sir. A fact you might bear in mind when you explain to him why none of his friends are alive any more, sir.”

    In the face of his serjeant’s anger, One barely batted an eyebrow.

    “We must expect casualties in war. Especially when high command, as you so recently pointed out, insists on bolstering our numbers with so many inexperienced raw recruits.” Overriding his subordinate’s instinctive protest, he continued. “Not to mention there’s the small matter of your delay in coming to my aid earlier. I did say kill both the dwarves. I didn’t expect you to hesitate until together they’d put me out on the floor. Even if you were trying to save Kilcham from falling to death.”

    A last hard glare kept Four in his place and Five silent.

    “Which in turn brings me to...”

    Dabbing the worst of the dribbling blood and rain with a linen cloth, the Blackcloak commander turned to his captive. Throld looked up from the muddy ground in something approximating both grudging admiration and utter disgust. He had to blink away the worst of the wetness from his eyes.

    “Wasn’t sure you had it in you, laddie. Guess I shouldn’t underestimate the Blackcloak officer cadre.”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” One responded in a voice that turned rain to icicle. “I should take off your head, right now, as a traitor to Alerar.”

    “Hey, I had no idea that demented maniac no-kin-of-mine would intrude upon us at such a delicate moment! If you recall correctly, sir, you might remember that I was trying to negotiate with you. Lost a good pile of gold in that mess too... oh.” He directed the last comment at the marines tasked with retrieving the artefacts, who had scooped up the leather-drawn purse and tossed it into the satchel along with everything else the dwarf-dam had left lying about. “But that’s not the point. The point I’m trying to make is that you gain nothing by killing me here, not with that mighty machine of yours looming overhead.”

    “And I stand to lose everything by making the Mistress of a Thousand and One Masques my enemy?”

    “I wouldn’t go that far, but...” Throld’s deep baritone grew sombre and respectful, “haven’t we spilled enough blood on these lands for the day?”

    Four scoffed. Five’s expression might have even showed a modicum of respect. One just grunted, his mind already made up.

    The klaxons began to whoop, strident warnings piercing the oppressive night.
    -Level 1-

    Come one, come all, and listen close
    No braggart am I nor one to boast
    Yet to tell this tale I must declare
    'I shit you not, 'tis true, I swear!'

  3. #23
    Member
    EXP: 2,232, Level: 2
    Level completed: 8%, EXP required for next level: 2,768
    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,768
    GP
    614
    Pinions of Daedalion's Avatar

    Name
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Age
    42
    Race
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    124cm / 78kg
    Job
    Engineer, Alchemist, Artificer

    View Profile
    Mana engines whined as they cycled to full power. The frigate lurched beneath the weight of its broadside as it opened up into the banks of heavy cloud. Alerian marine and Blackcloak alike ran helter-skelter for the dangling ropes, abandoning in their haste many of the artefacts she had littered in the mud. Sigrun watched them leave with no little relief, even finding the time to appreciate how they responded to the warning like cogs in a well-oiled machine.

    Then a bolt of white lightning tore the heavens asunder. It coruscated for a heartbeat upon the wards woven into the skyship’s envelope, before grounding itself upon the oaken hull and coaxing a dozen small fires into life. Into the breach in the skies swarmed a dozen mail-clad figures and their steeds. Skyknights of Tor Elythis.

    A lone bugle sounded their charge in clarion cry, swamping the warning klaxon in a single note of sustained purity. Their passage cast a pillar of bright starlight into which even the Necromancer’s blighted rain dared not enter. For the briefest of eternities the sweet forgotten scents of green grass and fresh air suffused the temple grounds.

    The wing leader, a tall elf mounted on a gryphon of brilliant white, screamed a battlecry. His lance pierced the defensive magic woven into the frigate’s construction, tearing a great gash in the gas sacs. Four pegasus riders followed in his wake, peppering the skyship with throwing darts the size of harpoons. Splitting into paired elements after their first pass, they continued to dance an intricate dance around their ponderous prey. Stationary and vulnerable, the frigate could only belch ineffective cannonades at the nimble Skyknights.

    Taking advantage of the confusion, as well as the preoccupation of the Alerian bombardiers with more immediate priorities, Sigrun edged out into the open. Fresh-churned sludge suppurated at the soles of her feet. But the cacophony of battle overhead drowned out the tip-toe of the dormouse on the ground.

    “Oby?”

    Her golem lay in an unresponsive heap, scarred with fresh wounds where the Blackcloaks had disabled it limb by pinion-powered limb. Its right arm stood upright amongst the rubble of the collapsed tower, planted in defiance of the blade that had severed it from its body. Musket-shot peppered the joint at its neck where the Alerian sharpshooter had sensed a weakness. But Sigrun had placed two extra-thick layers of black iron there for just that eventuality. Not a single piece of shrapnel had penetrated to the delicate mana gem within.

    “Oby? Time to stop playing. We’ve got something to...”

    Two winged shadows swept low above her, a pair of Skyknights flying into the attack. Only when they had passed did she notice the grievous wound on her golem’s belly. The shots to the head had only feinted, distracted Obahyurur from the real danger. The Blackcloak bladesman had then ended the duel with a single stroke, piercing armour plating and cog mechanisms alike in a single thrust. Hydraulic fluid leaked from the rent in the black steel, mingling with puddling rain upon the corrupted earth.

    “Oby?”

    The silver activation rune on her golem’s chest remained dulled, silent, lifeless.

    “Oby...?”

    Hot air blasted her face dry as the frigate, its charges stowed at last, moved to disengage. The Skyknights reformed with seamless precision into chase formation, harrying the wounded wooden beast as it turned its bow in cumbersome grace to the west. Sigrun paid none of them any attention.

    The rain returned in slimy sheets. She told herself it was only its wetness that coursed down her cheeks.
    -Level 1-

    To live forever
    Heart of stone
    To never escape
    Forever alone

  4. #24
    Member
    EXP: 3,391, Level: 2
    Level completed: 47%, EXP required for next level: 1,609
    Level completed: 47%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,609
    GP
    1,086
    Diadems of Promethion's Avatar

    Name
    Throld Sartet
    Age
    68
    Race
    Dwarf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Red
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    150cm / 114kg
    Job
    Runekeeper, Loreweaver, Spymaster

    Hungry stormclouds made no distinction between glistening silver mail and sooty oaken hull as they swallowed the combatants whole. Deafening broadsides receded into muted thunderclaps, then into the steady hammer of raindrop upon rubble and churned mud. Even the pungent acridity of blackpowder soon faded as the corrupted stench of the Necromancer’s legacy reasserted itself.

    Only then did Throld emerge from the fennec-hole he’d dug himself in the lee of the unbroken tower, in the vague hope that the frigate’s wrath would pass him by.

    “No. Shit.”

    A quick pat-down assured himself that he hadn’t broken, singed, or otherwise damaged any part of his person or, Ronus forbid, his clothes. By the end of the week, the cloying mud and greasy downpour would turn him into an undead minion. But for now the slight fever building in the back of his mind stood as testament to his dwarvish constitution and its ability to fight off any plague. To his great surprise, he found himself little worse for the wear. Only a sour aftertaste on the back of his tongue bothered him, caused no doubt by the raw elven magic both sides had flung about with reckless abandon. How could they resort to such irresponsible spell-slinging, without thought to the consequences of the power they unleashed? Better to trust to the science of runes than to flirt with disaster wild and wanton.

    “Here I am,” he breathed again, and this time allowed himself to relax at last. Maybe he might survive this expedition with his prize, after all. With the Alerians driven off by the Raiaerans, that just left...

    “Don’t move, taleweaver.”

    ... that maniac dwarf-dam.

    “You’re out of shot, lassie,” Throld sighed in world-weary wisdom. Something in the way she spoke her words arrested his attention, though, and he began to turn. “Don’t think that...”

    A flash of fire. A crack of thunder. Something molten seared through his right shoulder, and his right cheek hit the mud with enough force to knock the breath from his lungs. Pain, red hot angry pain...

    “Don’t think that,” the dwarf-dam echoed in mockery, though the quaver in her voice made it hard to decipher whether she laughed or cried. “Always think you’re so smart, you taleweaver types. Don’t think this. Don’t think that. ‘Strewth.”

    Rough hands reached into the pockets of his waistcoat, turning them inside out one by one. Every movement jarred the hole in his torso, sending fresh spears of pain lancing through his mind. All he could think was to keep his nose above the mud and his wound clear of the filth. If the corruption seeped directly into his body, then even he might not last much before falling to a fate far worse than death.

    “Next time, taleweaver, remember this. Don’t think I’m such a fanny that I can’t scavenge a cartridge or two from the supplies those Blackcloaks had to leave behind at the ford. Don’t think that I’d spend an entire night’s journey twiddling my thumbs and doing nothing. And don’t think that I wouldn’t be so crass as to shoot you in the back.”

    Before he could do much more than mumble a weak protest, she’d found the stone tablet and pulled it free of his auroch-hide coat.

    The last thing Throld saw was the dwarf-dam squatting in the mud before his eyes, brandishing her prize before tucking it into the pocket of her smithing apron.

    “Mine.”

    Her boots splattered him in the face when she turned on her heels.

    By then, he lacked the consciousness to care.
    -Level 1-

    Come one, come all, and listen close
    No braggart am I nor one to boast
    Yet to tell this tale I must declare
    'I shit you not, 'tis true, I swear!'

  5. #25
    Member
    EXP: 2,232, Level: 2
    Level completed: 8%, EXP required for next level: 2,768
    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,768
    GP
    614
    Pinions of Daedalion's Avatar

    Name
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Age
    42
    Race
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    124cm / 78kg
    Job
    Engineer, Alchemist, Artificer

    View Profile
    She had what she sought, the ashes of a long-lost muse. Now she could complete her recipe. Maybe, just maybe, it held the secret to the immortality she so sought. Or maybe it didn’t, and she would have to try again. But in that case at least she would be able to cross out this particular lead.

    So why did she feel like a forge without flame, so empty inside?

    Wisps of steam wafted upwards into the stormy dark, the ground itself sweating from the exertions of combat. The stench of undeath, of filth and rot and despair, choked in her constricted throat like ram meat gone bad. Not for a moment did the rain show any sign of abating, a constant veil of tears for her fallen comrade. Slick rivulets mingled with the accumulated mud and dirt on the golem’s armour, creating patterns of water and metal that dazzled the eye but wrought havoc upon her torment.

    “C’mon, Oby. I got what we came for.”

    The Blackcloaks had fled, the Raiaerans had left in pursuit, and the taleweaver lay bleeding out in the mud beyond the nearby pillar. She only had to make good her escape. She only had to leave.

    “C’mon Oby. Let’s get back to where it doesn’t rain so much.”

    Without it to carry her, how long would it take to make the mountain crossing? She’d have to find somewhere safe to sleep at night, some other way to carry her food and supplies, somebody else to stand guard while she did her business, and...

    “C’mon, Oby! We need to get you cleaned, and get your arm fixed back together, and check to see if you’ve rusted through, and...”

    What if she caught a chill from the filth and the mud and the ice-cold rain? Who would listen to her grouching? Who would bring her rice when she asked for ice, and leave the cloths dripping with water when she demanded a replacement poultice?

    “C’mon,” she sniffled, emotion finally getting the better of her stoic demeanour. Grimy moisture cascaded down her cheeks, frigid acid burning away the feverish heat of her tears. Marble tablets slipped from fingers that could no longer feel their weight. Her knees hit the mud. Her elbows followed a heartbeat later.

    “C’mon Oby. Stop shamming...”

    Bright silver light penetrated her closed eyelids. The hum of a mana gem on low power reverberated below the hammering raindrops. She looked up, to find the gentle glow of Obahyurur’s activation rune driving away the all-encompassing shadows of the night.

    “Oby?”

    The rune flickered, wavered, came back just a little weaker than before. Maybe if she just replaced the mana gem... maybe if she fiddled around a little bit inside...

    Determination replaced despair upon her pinched features. Wiping the back of one grimy hand across her temples, she set to work.

    No matter how she hated the fool, she would not abandon her golem.

    Not out here.

    Not alone.
    -Level 1-

    To live forever
    Heart of stone
    To never escape
    Forever alone

  6. #26
    Member
    EXP: 3,391, Level: 2
    Level completed: 47%, EXP required for next level: 1,609
    Level completed: 47%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,609
    GP
    1,086
    Diadems of Promethion's Avatar

    Name
    Throld Sartet
    Age
    68
    Race
    Dwarf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Red
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    150cm / 114kg
    Job
    Runekeeper, Loreweaver, Spymaster

    The world returned in bright light and flashes of colour, and an inaudible jumble of sounds that wouldn’t leave his ears. Annoyed he tried to wave them away, only to find stronger hands than his restraining him to what felt like a soft feather bed. How dare they. Didn’t they know that dwarves could only sleep well on slabs of stone?

    More to his surprise, once he settled down they let him be. Perhaps they had some sense after all.

    “...”

    His lips, parched and feverish, wouldn’t work until they pressed a glass of cold, clear water against them. He nearly spat it all back out, there and then. Why wouldn’t they serve him wine?

    “Where...?”

    “Winyaurient, master dwarf.” The delicious tenor in his ears melodiously annoyed the underearth out of him. “We doubled back on our sweep after chasing away our dark kin and their flying abomination, wondering why they so blatantly risked our wrath. There we found you, unconscious and bleeding out from a musket wound. As you are their enemy, so you might be our friend, so we took care of you. Thankfully, we have been successful in purging you of Xem’zund’s corruption. The people of stone are hardy indeed.”

    “Was... I...”

    “Alone?” the elf-prince finished for him. For who could the speaker be but the tall elf who had led the Raiaeran counterattack, Elrohir Felagund, rider of the gryphon Surion and Prince of Tor Elythis. “You were, although there were tracks aplenty. Including an intriguing gait belonging to what might have been an ogre or a troll... But we shall ask you about that later, when we ask you what else you might know about the incursion of our Alerian kin.

    “For now, I am told to advise you to sleep well. With your constitution, you will heal within days.”

    Lulled by the words, Throld felt his consciousness slipping away from his once more. But he had to ask one last question, to confirm one final fact...

    “...”

    “I beg your pardon, master dwarf?”

    “... Mnem... syne...”

    “Your belongings?” Elrohir’s frown carried even through Throld’s drowsy eyelids. “Rest assured, they are...”

    I am safe here in this room, Master Throld, a second voice spoke to him in his mind, a pleasant alto that might have belonged to Skald herself. All strength left his limbs as he sank back into the down-feather mattress and pillows.

    I am called Calliope, the Wise, the eldest Daughter of Mnemosyne, she told him as he slipped into blissful sleep. And you are Throld Sartet, my Master of Words.

    His final impression of the strangely familiar voice in his head was one of joyous laughter.

    And thus did the bard replace all the greedy thief’s spoils with lumps of coal!
    -Level 1-

    Come one, come all, and listen close
    No braggart am I nor one to boast
    Yet to tell this tale I must declare
    'I shit you not, 'tis true, I swear!'

  7. #27
    Member
    EXP: 2,232, Level: 2
    Level completed: 8%, EXP required for next level: 2,768
    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,768
    GP
    614
    Pinions of Daedalion's Avatar

    Name
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Age
    42
    Race
    Sigrun Kondrat
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    124cm / 78kg
    Job
    Engineer, Alchemist, Artificer

    View Profile
    The canopy burnt in flaming red, in glimmering silver and glittering gold. The first of the winter’s gales reached in to rip the leaves from their branches, sending them scurrying along to whatever pile of mulch they would call their grave. Overhead, the light of a thousand stars warred with the dark oblivion that threatened to consume them all, diamond dust scattered upon a carpet of black velvet.

    Below the priceless foliage raged a battle of a different calibre. A battle between a dwarf-dam and her golem on one side, and a pair of mismatched flesh monstrosities on the other.

    The golem, Obahyurur the Unwise, limped into action on a gimp leg. Only one arm hung from its body, holding the other like a club that it swung through the chill air with no shortage of malicious glee. Delicate machine parts flew with every impacting blow like sparks from a tinder into the darkness, but that only served to encourage it further.

    Sigrun Kondrat, Mistress of Stone, wheezed mightily as she ejected the spent cartridge from her previous, failed, shot. Her upper lip ran with mucous phlegm, tinted with specks of blood and red, but she paid it little heed in the chaos of combat. The melee had closed to less than twenty paces, and she had only the time to make one shot count before she had to scram.

    She fumbled through her pockets for the last of the cartridges she had retrofitted from the Alerian supplies, whistling cheerily as she went. A grunt of effort rammed the wad of black powder and shot into place. She slammed the breech closed, tapping it once to ensure its integrity. Then she forced the broken iron fingers of her left hand to curl around the dragon-belcher's oaken haft, bracing it in the direction of the walking dead grasping at her golem. Her final flourish was to light the fuse with the flint firestarter held in her teeth, counting down beneath her breath as the flame ate away the soaked hempen cord.

    The heavens quaked. A leaden fireball lit up the shadows all around as it streaked on an unerring arc towards its target.

    The nearest cadaver exploded in a cloud of gory viscera.

    “Boom!”
    -Level 1-

    To live forever
    Heart of stone
    To never escape
    Forever alone

  8. #28
    Lyre-Bearer
    EXP: 57,929, Level: 10
    Level completed: 36%, EXP required for next level: 7,071
    Level completed: 36%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,071
    GP
    6,755
    Philomel's Avatar

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    28
    Race
    faun
    Gender
    female
    Hair Color
    violet (dyed)
    Eye Color
    grey
    Build
    6ft / 156kg
    Job
    Matriarch (Gilded Lily, Feminist Guild)

    View Profile
    Thread Title: Master of Words, Mistress of Stone
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric
    Participants: Pinions of Daedalion and Diadems of Promethion



    As the writer here is the same for both characters, all of Plot and Prose are written and considered together. Character is written separate for each one.

    Plot: 24/30

    • Story- 9/10


    From the outset your story is compelling and enthralling. In most ways there was no times of boredom, or when the act of the story lagged, which is quite easy in a sizeable thread. Each post was also full of action and engaging with little lacking in terms of excitement, so therefore a top score in this.

    • Setting- 8/10


    For setting you open well, with a clear description of setting, with even small details of light that really bring the scene to life. You continue this well, with highlighting the other scenes in a similar way. The only thing that really could have been improved on here is a varying use of the five and more senses to show how your characters interact with the setting, whether psychologically or emotionally - however, well done.

    • Pacing- 7/10


    Pacing was more or less well laid out. There was no sense of rushing or it being too slow. The majority of posts were equal in length which is visually pleasing. Some of them could have been a slight bit shorter to make reading of the chunks a little easier and there could have been an extra post or two overall, however it read well in general.



    Character: 24/30

    • Communication- 8/10


    Pinions: For your character there is a clear change through her dialogue of Sigrun’s emotions as the thread continues, which is excellent. Her character is shown in her impatience of post 5 with the short sharp sentences. However, in terms of balance, there could have been more speech from this character which could have definitely brought out more of her in person, revealed more. In a sense this thread almost wanted to be a solo from this single perspective.

    Diadems: Opposed to Diadems, Throld’s communication was in much better balance in terms of the entire character sections - action and persona included. His speech was clever and divisive, particularly at the end of post 8, and your use of good language helped to portray his character well.


    • Action-7/10


    Pinions: Action in terms of ‘in general’ was well written and clear, however in relation to some NPC characters it did seem a little awkward and confusing. One wanted to know what Sigrun’s true feelings towards Oby were, and her actions seemed to differ towards him post by post. However, all in all well done.

    Diadems: Action was simple and forthright, what one might expect from a dwarf. Similarly to Sigrun, sometimes actions were slightly confusing as to their true meaning, and there could have been subtler ones added - for instance habits such as playing with hair - but all in all very telling of the character.


    • Persona- 9/10


    Pinions: In terms of thoughts, the reader only really gets an insight into Sigrun’s head towards the end of the thread, however for the most part Persona is played well. The personal thoughts in post 21 are funny and add a light-heartedness to the piece, with small exclamations.

    Diadems: In post 6 the character of Throld is really brought to life in the flash-back scenes. They work particularly excellently for the reader to really get to know your character well. The startling past only grants more empathy towards him to such an extent where you want to get to know him more. In general here, there is no need to try to improve your writing in terms of Persona as it is already so good.



    Prose: 22/30

    • Mechanics- 7/10


    There were no visible spelling mistakes, nor any mistakes in sentence structure. The only things it would have been nice to see are more variation on punctuation, with more use of commas and interjections - using semi-colons and colons to make certain parts stand out. A couple of times also (post 21 for example) dialogue was not set on its own line or in its own paragraph, as should be done correctly. However, a brief look over before posting can always help here.

    • Clarity- 7/10


    The previous comments adhering to slight confusions as to the purposes of actions as mentioned in “Action” are not included as a penalty here, as the standard issue of prose was clear. At some points the eloquent language, as beautiful as it is, can become distracting when comparing it to the direct state of the plot. Marks are down here mostly because of this. Though the beautiful words can be a huge benefit in terms of the power of your piece, overall they can disrupt the overall flow and the clarity. However, in this case do not let this comment stop you from treating the reader as an intelligent reader. It is a single comment that can just be made perfect with minor adjustment as to wording.

    • Technique- 8/10


    One single word here: maginificent. The only thing keeping this score from reaching a 10 is that it would have been nice to see a little more use of imagery and metaphor, however overall the language and description truly make this piece one deserving of its score.



    Wildcard: 8/10

    In a sense of full-on story telling and the power of emotion, this piece captured the heart of the reader and made them want to keep on going. With a minor piece of work this thread could be turned into a short story and submitted to an anthology - this is how impressed this judge was with it.



    Final Score: 78/100

    Pinions of Daedalion receives:
    • 1460 EXP!
    • 220 GP!

    Congratulations!


    Diadems of Promethian receives:
    • 1355 EXP!
    • 205 GP!

    Congratulations!
    Last edited by Philomel; 01-04-15 at 02:41 PM.
    "Tol. Mela. Othor." "Versh. Sai. Memnae." Come. Love. Conquer. - Philomel in Tolkein Sindarin, Faunish and Tradespeak

    Very grateful winner of 2015 Althies Awards: Friendliest Member, Mrs Althanas, Best IC Rivalry (with Doge), Best Judge and Most Helpful/Friendly Mod and Admin Award of Moderator of the Year.

  9. #29
    Wide eyed & bushy tailed
    EXP: 59,008, Level: 10
    Level completed: 46%, EXP required for next level: 5,992
    Level completed: 46%,
    EXP required for next level: 5,992
    GP
    1,545
    Hysteria's Avatar

    Name
    Remedy Blue

    EXP and gold added!

  10. #30
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next level: 1,347
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,347
    GP
    2,685
    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

    View Profile
    Congratulations!!!

    You have been awarded a Judge's Choice Award!!!

    An additional 20% EXP & GP will also be awarded:

    Pinions of Daedalion receives:
    • 292 EXP!
    • 44 GP!


    Diadems of Promethian receives:
    • 271 EXP!
    • 41 GP!


    These points have been added!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •