Storytelling (7/10): I’ll be the first to admit I was lost as I read this thread. However, that appeared to be the idea behind it all, that the reader shouldn’t know where each piece would lead to the next, much like hunting after a thief themselves. It was fun meeting so many of Alydia’s compatriots, and with the exception of a single problem with the story coming to a dead stop for a cameo, the story was handled really well.
In particular, the dealings between Alydia and Lucius directly were handled expertly and had the reader invested from the beginning to end. Including so many nods to this particular version (after all, multiple universe theory) of the future was interesting, and told me much about what I’d like to know about what’s going on on both sides of this fence.
Overall, a really solid effort.
Setting (7/10): While I’m giving this a 7, I will not that both players could have done significantly more with the setting than they had done. The reason it hits seven is that there were choice bits of setting done, particularly the doorway leading into the confrontation between Lucius and L’ V’rdin Bara. Those few notes of interest put what would otherwise have been an average score to something of note. Incorporating more of the surroundings, taste, smell, touch, those would bring you up closer to an 8 or a 9, but as it stands, it’s a solid 7 for me.
Pacing (8/10): Barring the dead stop, the pacing was good. There were a couple of bits that felt rushed, (Lucius convincing Bron that he’s willing to trade seemed a bit faster than normal, but that could have merely been Bron being a little too trustworthy; an explanation one way or another would have been helpful in making the setting flow a little more smoothly), but other than that it’s solid and moves along at a brusque manner, never spending longer anywhere than it needed to. The pacing seemed to be the pace of a quick jog, and stayed the course through most of the thread.
Communication (9/10): Almost perfect. I’d rate this as one of the better threads in terms of communication I’ve seen in a long time. The only real thing that prevents this from scoring a straight ten is the simple fact that Duffy’s dialogue could get a bit muddled sometimes, when you were considering who he was talking to. There’s also one line at the end that I will be addressing in Clarity and Mechanics a little further on. Bravo, though, on being able to communicate like masters!
Action (7/10): There wasn’t a lot of real action, but that which was done was done well. I’d have liked to see a little more in terms of body language and actual things happening, but what there was had been done well, so I won’t really talk too much about it.
Persona (9/10): I knew exactly how each of the characters in this thread acting and they never deviated from their personalities for even a moment. Even the NPCs were portrayed very well. Bron buying Lucius’s line so easily was about the only thing I could dock a point for, but maybe he’s just trustworthy or couldn’t be bothered by Lucius long enough to deliver the message. Just make it clearer to the reader next time and the score will reflect that.
Mechanics (8/10): Michelle, you had few mechanical errors that I could identify, and none of them detracted from the writing in any particular way. Cyd... you either added or didn’t add a quotation mark in your last post, and it destroyed what you were trying to convey. Either he was thinking, in which case you should have used italics with no quotations, or he was speaking, in which case the opening quotation is missing. It could have been fixed with a proofread, so I won’t say anything else about it.
Clarity (7/10): See same note as Mechanics.
Technique (6/10): There were a couple of instances of foreshadowing and some other basic techniques. While you didn’t use very much in the way of complex techniques, it in no way detracted from the thread. You just didn’t happen to use much.
Wild Card (6/10): Ok... I’d have scored this an 8 if not for one line that completely dragged me out of the thread to slam my head square in the middle of my desk.
“I knew that he knew that I knew he knew I knew he was frowning. “ – I know you were going for humor here, Cyd, but that was painful to read, and kinda hurt my head to decipher on top of that. The number of “he knew” and “I knew” made figuring out your meaning a little harder than it should have been (and is the reason for the further point deduction in Clarity over what would have matched the Mechanics score). I decided to list it in the Wild Card section because it more annoys me as the audience than it does anything else, however.
Overall Score: 74/100, very well done.
Alydia Ettermire receives 1,600 XP and 148 GP
Lucius receives 1,200 XP and 148 GP
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