For Lack of Empathy

[Rayse Valentino]

They raced through the dark, dirty depths of Ettermire’s alleys, navigating tight turns and cramped corners. The child led the dazed youth by the hand, nearly dragging him despite not knowing where to go. Away seemed as good a direction as any. In the middle of their mad dash, she skidded to a stop so suddenly that Rayse bumped into her. Taische didn’t seem to notice. Her body pulled itself so far up she stood balanced on the tips of her toes, her head turned alertly, like a deer scanning for wolves.

Rayse momentarily snapped out of his haze, “What… Is this your power again? Did they find us?” He looked around, but there were no footsteps, no voices, nothing. Then, he followed the girl’s gaze as she looked up and saw a flash of light that blinded him for a moment, causing him to stumble backwards.

Something landed in front of the two, and just as Rayse opened his eyes, something hot and bright grabbed him and threw him against the wall. He felt arid air escaping his lungs and a new pain in his chest. He fell to the ground, clutching his stomach. The light faded and he looked up, seeing Taische standing in front of a fiery figure. He couldn’t make out what was inside the living bonfire. The ringing in his head returned, greater than ever, and he spent the next few moments clutching his head in pain.

“Finally found you,” growled the man in the flames. “We don’t have any time. Let’s go.” He realized that Taische wasn’t buying any of this. “Your mother sent me.” He lifted his hand, a ball of fire forming inside of it, pointing his palm at Rayse.

Taische flared, flames curling out from her body in a miniature mirror of the larger figure. “I’ll not let you touch him again,” she spat, taking a tone that could have etched steel. The man’s hand lowered and he regarded the girl, almost annoyed, almost puzzled.

Through an act of will, Rayse opened his eyes and dragged himself to his feet, ignoring his suffering. Whoever this was, he was here for the girl. He was an ally. He would help… He was here to help.

“Please!” Rayse pleaded. “My friend, he -” a hacking cough paused Rayse’s sentence, but he pressed on, his voice hoarse. “He died protecting her. I beg you, help me avenge him! Help me kill those pointy-eared bastards!”

The figure in the flames shook his head. “Sorry, not my problem. Let’s go, kid.”

Tasiche stepped back, raising her hands and flaring hotter and brighter. “No! Don’t touch me!”

The figure in the fires moved faster than the eye could see, snatching Taische up and engulfing her in the flames that surrounded him. Then both of them were gone. All that was left were wisps of fire that fell faintly on the ground.

Rayse sunk to his knees, clawing at the crumbling cobblestones in the road. Grief erupted like a long-dormant volcano, spewing forth red-hot rage. It burned in the back of his throat and sizzled in his eyes. He choked back tears and stood up, clenching his fists so tightly that his nails were digging into his skin. There was only one thing he could think of doing now.

[Rayse Valentino]

Heavy footsteps echoed in the alleyway. With each step, dust cascaded down from the ramshackle ceiling and ash billowed up from underfoot. He remembered this strange, abandoned pathway. One of the walls of the nearby factory had collapsed onto the other building, creating an unstable enclosure that threatened to fall at any moment. His destination was the burned out circle of power that Taische had earlier inscribed on the ground. Rayse had returned to where the girl kicked up threatening flames, staring down at what was left of her drawing. Although the lines were not entirely straight and the circles imperfect, it still represented the evils of magic.

Rayse had no time to be prejudiced. He found the pipe that she used, and noticed that tar had been slowly pouring from the ruined walls, pooling among the debris. The fiery stranger gave him an idea, but he had to test it. He lit a match from his pocket and dropped it into the circle, and there was an immediate reaction, the fire spreading through the lines before Rayse hurriedly stomped it out. This could work…

It had to work.

He redrew the circle, trying to remember what Taische was saying at the time.

Intersecting fates… Bright and hot… word for power...

In the end, he didn’t know if he accurately fixed it. It looked different, and yet somehow it felt right. He spread more tar around the circle, and knew that the fire would carry itself up the walls. He took a few steps back, searching his uniform for a cigarette, when his fingers caressed the seal on the letter he had forgotten about. He lit the cigarette and ripped the seal from the letter.

To the promising young cadet,

Congratulations! You have passed the selection process. His Majesty expresses pleasure at having such a devoted young man such as yourself joining the Royal Guard. After your next mission, you are to report to the headmaster and make arrangements for transport to Rathaxea Square, where you and your family will be given adequate lodgings and welfare. After you are determined fit enough to enter our service, you will be granted a title of nobility as per requirement of any military personnel working in the castle.

May Saint Denebriel's light guide y-

Rayse crushed the letter in his hand. Wisps of smoke escaped his lips, which twitched as he struggled to keep them from forming a frown.

He lifted his head and yelled out, “Stop! Don’t go there!” The hunters assumed an argument had taken place, and made their way to the trap. Covering the crumpled letter in tar, he held it precariously close to a lit match as he stood and waited. The sound of rushing footsteps echoed closer and closer, until they were almost upon him. He saw their silhouettes in the darkness, the flicker of the flames blinking them in and out of his vision. He lit the paper and threw it into the circle, not waiting to watch the flames run across the intricate pattern and burst upwards in a pillar.

Then, all was white.

[Rayse Valentino]

In the present…

A loud crash woke Rayse up, although it was hard to tell how long he had been out. A bottle of whiskey was tipped over on the table in front of him, but it was nearly empty anyway. Drool stained the spot on the couch where his face was, and as he wiped his lips, he heard the sound of someone banging on a glass door..

After the most violent war in Salvar’s history, the city known as the epicenter of the conflict was starting to recover. Knife’s Edge had undergone numerous changes in the past few months, and now it was starting to become a respectable center of commerce and tourism. Old Quarter was already ruins before the war, but now it was made into an attraction. Rayse headed up one of the premier hotels of the area, suitable for dignitaries and lords. The Northern Star had a single penthouse suite, and that was where Rayse spent most of his time in the city. It made matters easy for meeting with the important people in the world, even better for business since he put them in a good mood with the hospitality and service.

Not today, however. He was alone the previous night, with nothing but alcohol and cigarettes to keep him company. It was early in the morning, too early for any hint of sunlight, but someone was here to see him. When he realized the sound was not coming from the front door, but the balcony, his half-closed eyelids opened all the way. He cracked his neck and walked up to the glass doors, seeing the silhouettes of two figures outside in the snow.

With a tense grip, he opened the doors and stepped outside, finding himself face to face with Malak and Sariss, two mercenaries he sent after Karuka a while ago. A large stone slab was situated behind them, likely their mode of transportation up here.

“I thought you two were dead,” he said matter-of-factly, the revelation more of an entry in a mental ledger than anything else.

“We would have been if we’d stayed around that red-headed bitch much longer.” Sariss stepped down from the platform, brushing her long purple hair back. “But we heard that you had some trouble with her too, and thought we’d offer you a way to get even.”

Rayse briefly considered what their heads would look like on a pike. He wouldn’t even get them separate pikes; they would have to share.

“Turns out she has a kid.” Malak, Sariss’s muscular, dark-haired brother interjected quickly. He motioned to a small stone pyramid with a badly blistered arm. “We had to knock her out to transport her. She’s feisty.”

The pyramid fell open, revealing a little brown girl with thick black hair. Her skin showed some bruising; restraint wasn’t Malak’s strong point. “The redhead will think twice about messing with you after you…” he looked at his sister, not sure how to finish his sentence.

“Any threat of harm to her will keep her mother in line. Or you could just kill her,” Sariss suggested helpfully.

Rayse’s fists had been clenching harder and harder throughout the exchange. “You blithering idiots. We came to an agreement. Get out.”

The pair wasted no time in taking the slab back to the ground, leaving the child behind for Rayse to deal with.

[Taische]

Her head pounded so hard she could hear each beat of blood rushing past her ears. Her tongue felt like an oversized ball of cotton in her mouth. When she cracked her eyes open, browns and grays swam across her vision like a school of drunken fish, and she clenched them closed again as if it would ward off a sudden wave of nausea.

Tiny fingers dug into the thick, soft carpet she was lying on, and her body arched painfully while she tried to retch. Between her capture more than a week before and her various escape attempts, there hadn’t been much time or opportunity to eat anything, so the carpet remained pristine.

After a futile minute, Taische pushed herself up, shoving her thick hair out of her face to look around. She was in a windowless room instead of a cramped stone coffin. Above, a strange ball hovered close to the ceiling, providing plenty of light, but not much heat. The room wasn’t cold, though, which meant that wherever she was, it was either not on an outside wall in the chilly land her kidnappers had gone through, or they weren’t in the same land anymore. How long had she been out?

The little girl wobbled to her feet, stumbling to the door and trying to push on it. That was cold beneath her hands, solid iron. She didn’t see a handle or another way to open the door, which meant she had no escape. Her mouth curled into a scowl. When her mother got here, everyone was going to be in big trouble.

Taische turned to examine the room some more. If there wasn’t a way out, someone would be coming to get her soon. Kidnappers didn’t just leave little girls to die; Karuka had been quite clear on that from the time she was little and had a penchant for sneaking out. Very bad things happened before they died. Worse than being hungry or thirsty. Even worse than getting hit. Her mother hadn’t been clear on what worse things.

Probably very worse things, she mused.

None of the fancy tapestries on the walls hid secret doors she could sneak out of. The big chest in the corner wouldn’t open, so she couldn’t hide in there. There were shelves full of stuff, but the things she picked up were either far too light to be good as a weapon or they were far too heavy for her to throw.

They didn’t even have any staves laying around, and Taische wasn’t sure if burning the carpet and tapestries would do any good. Maybe she could burn the bad guy who had captured her (again), punch him in the nose, and run. If they were in a building, there were probably places she could hide.

Why would anyone collect this stuff? Taische’s hands roamed over a few pieces of bric-a-brac. It looked like the sort of stuff the Duke of Jalaan would display, except it was all tucked away in a room. It wasn’t even toys. It was just dumb stuff.

A glass ball about the size of her fist started glowing when she approached it. Amidst the neatly-organized shelves of boring stuff, this one thing interested Taische. For one thing, it looked like an eyeball, and eyeballs were gross. For another, it was actually doing something.

She reached for it, turning it a little bit up and to the left, so she could look straight into the eye. All she felt after that was a sharp tug.

[Rayse Valentino]

Molasses. Barley malt vinegar. Spirit vinegar. Sugar. Salt. Onions. Garlic. Anchovies. Spicy sauce. And a raw egg to top it off. That was the cocktail Rayse drank to cure his hangover with one hand. The other hand was on fire, holding a boiling pot of coffee. If there’s one thing Rayse knew how to do, it was getting his affairs in order. Well, except for the matter of the little girl in the relic room.

He wondered if it would be enough to find Karuka and dump the kid in her lap. No harm no foul, right? He remembered her as… a reasonable sort. No, that’ll never work. He needed the kid to back him up. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? Get some candy in her, a few teddy bears, and then Uncle Rayse is the best guy ever! He downed the pungent cocktail in one gulp and then poured the coffee into the same glass. Wait… waking up in a giant safe probably won’t leave the best first impression.

The glass of coffee was poured down his throat, and the next stop was the relic room. His hands glowed and a red warmth spread across the door, engulfing it until something clicked inside. After the click, Rayse simply pushed the doors open. His expectation and hope was that she was still unconscious, but instead she was missing entirely.

What the fuck?!

He searched frantically but even a mouse wouldn’t find a hiding spot in there. The only thing out of place was the shining object on the floor. He reached down and picked it up, his mind racing through the multitude of lists in his memories. He turned the spherical object around and was staring right into a familiar iris and pupil. This is… that witch’s eye. As he stared at it, he noticed there was a small crack along the side, and within a moment another crack formed, growing from the source. Was he holding it too hard? No, this thing couldn’t be smashed even with a hammer. It was because it was active. Somehow, the girl must have activated it. And soon it would break.

It had been a while, but he knew from researching the material it was a common teleportation reagent. He had taken it to Beinost on one occasion, but the wizards there could not figure out how to activate it either. He thought the secret had died with Denebriel until today. Luckily, he knew how to use it. He pictured the girl in his mind and then stared straight into the eye of the vanquished demi-goddess.

[Taische]

A small burst of fire ushered Rayse and Taische back into the present time. When her burst didn’t phase the man, much less make him drop her, she started pummeling her tiny fists into his face. They passed uselessly through him. “Let me go! You abandoned Rayse and Vincent just died and there are bad people hunting him and he’s going to get killed! You could have helped him. You’re a bad man, and when my matháir gets here, she’s going to kick your butt!”

She glowered at him, through eyes that overflowed with tears. “And he looked just like you! You’re a bad father!”

Rayse froze. “What did you say?”

“Let go!” With desperate, vicious rage, Taische dug her feet into Rayse’s side and kicked out of his arms, landing on her butt on the carpet. She hurried to her feet, standing straight up. “If you went all the way to get somebody out of danger, and it was only one person, it should have been your son, not your prisoner. You don’t deserve to be here with all your boring junk. And you shouldn’t have hit him.”

Taken aback by the outburst, Rayse dropped the glass eye that started all this in the first place. It rolled on the ground, momentarily forgotten. “Stop!” He clutched his head, a familiar ringing echoing throughout. Rayse, Vincent, son… ?! Where exactly had he gone? Who was that young soldier with the girl? The uniform looked dated. Ettermire itself looked different, but he was moving so fast he didn’t take a good look. By Vincent, does she mean...? How else would she know him? They were there, in Old Ettermire, but for her to know him would mean she was there all those years ago. “Who are y… what’s your name?!”

“Taische Asthore O’Sheean, daughter of Karuka Eithne O’Sheean," the child spat. "And if you don’t let me go right now, I will… I will tear this building down with a mighty earthquake!” It was a bluff, but an impressive one from a filthy, bruised, and tattered child. The building seemed to sway just a hair underneath their feet just at the sheer bravado.

“By the goddess…” Rayse nearly lost his balance, stumbling out of the room and reaching for the coffee mug. There was nothing in it unfortunately, but the glass was still warm. Very warm, in fact. Was he only gone a few minutes? Coupled with the realization that the eye not only traveled through space, he rushed back to the room and picked it up, fresh beads of sweat running down the side his face. It was almost completely cracked, he couldn’t even tell where the pupil was anymore. As he looked for it, he heard the spine-tingling crack. The relic turned to dust in his hand. His fingers twitched, and his mouth hung open. He didn't know how the child had activated it, and it didn't matter anymore.

Taische wasn’t one to waste an opportunity, and this man, with all his confused rushing back and forth, provided a good one. She bolted out of the room after him, emerging for the first time into the suite. Light streamed through the windows and balcony doors, but the absence of other buildings and ground told her she was too high up to jump, so she ran for the biggest door - the one with the keyhole. She gripped the heavy handle and heaved, but it didn’t open. She glanced back at the store room, where the man was frozen, staring at one of his pieces of junk, and reached for the latch, fighting with the stiff piece of iron that kept her from her freedom. Hurry, hurry…!

Rayse shook his head, called back to the present by the little girl's grunts of effort. Get your shit together, idiot! The plan! He dropped the dust and turned around, watching the frazzled, worn down child of Karuka try to escape. He put his hand on the iron door and walked outside. Taische gasped and backed up, clenching her fists so hard that flames engulfed them, but Rayse dropped his shocked expression. He reached into his pocket and lit a cigarette with a flame on his thumb.

“I know this may be hard to believe, but all I want right now is to get you back to your mother.” He walked up close, with Taische’s expression like that of a cornered cat - one likely to attack out of fear - and looked her in the eye. “I don’t have a son, Tash-ka. I did have a friend, though. You’ve met him. He pissed me off on occasion, but he wasn’t a bad guy. As for the one I left behind… I guess you could say we meet again. A few seconds for you, over a decade for me.”

“So he’s your nephew.” The girl raised her fists, ready to lash out at any false movement from her captor. “Why is it taking you ten years to see him again? Is he going to jail because he’s mean? You should go to jail with him, because you’re even worse!”

Rayse opened his mouth to form words, but nothing came out. This was too much. She didn't understand what he was saying, and he needed to calm her down if he was going to accomplish anything. “Wait.” He walked over to his kitchen and poured a new glass of orange juice. He set it on the table in his den and sat on one of the couches. “I don’t care if you drink it or not. But it’s for you.”

[Taische]

Taische’s mouth hardened and her eyes narrowed a little bit. She couldn’t lift the heavy latch. She probably couldn’t jump out the window. Her mother had to know that she was in trouble right now, and she couldn’t be too far behind. She couldn’t hit this man, because her fists went through him. He didn’t even seem bothered by her fire powers. Even the big, brutal, black haired man had burned when she’d burst at him. The purple haired woman had reminded him - often - that they needed to deliver her alive.

Her captor didn’t seem to react to threats, even about her mother. Well, maybe a little bit. He’d been more overwhelmed about Vincent and Rayse. If she kept him talking, eventually he’d make a mistake that would let her get out or give her mother time to get there. Okay. I can try this different.

She stepped up to the glass, looking into it. Two bubbles, a little bit of white. A strange orange color over all. Some pulp on the bottom, but no weird pale swirl. A cautious sip gave her no unusual aftertaste, though sweet citrus and Alerian grit wasn’t particularly tasty. So he wasn’t trying to knock her back out.

“Why am I here?”

Rayse crossed his arms and leaned back, smoke escaping his lips, “You’re here because two morons brought you here. It had nothing to do with me. I only want to return you to your mother as soon as I can. You hungry?” He stood up and walked back to the kitchen.

“No.” Physically, yes. But she had just been forced to listen while somebody got murdered. For Rayse, Vincent’s death had been a long time ago. For Taische, it was barely an hour. “Where am I, and who are you?”

When Rayse returned, a bowl containing a few fresh pears and cherries was placed on the table. He grabbed a pear and bit into it, avoiding displacing the cigarette in his mouth with such ease that it was as if it wasn’t even there. “You’re in my home, and I’m... Mal.” He paused for a moment, then continued. “Rayse is fine. They were only after you, so he got away.” The images of that night were vivid in his head, and he suppressed the feelings that they caused. After he used Taische’s magic circle to blow up the alleyway, he managed to barely escape. On his own, he found the way out and rejoined his fellow soldiers at the train station. While he was the only survivor, he still failed his mission. There were no promotions, no fanfare, but he was not punished. He preferred it that way anyway; there was nothing to celebrate. “This may be hard to believe, but we’re back in Salvar. In Knife’s Edge, specifically. The magic I was using to transport us here only had a few seconds left before it stopped working. I didn’t have time to explain to you why I was there. Listen, your mother Karuka and I go way back. I have nothing to gain by abducting you. Have a pear.” He took one from the bowl, stood up, and placed it in her hands.

Taische nibbled a little on the skin of the pear, looking around. How would he know how his nephew made out when it was only ten minutes ago that he'd found her in the dark elf land? Something didn't add up right, but she wasn't going to let on.

Mal lived in a big house, but it didn’t look like he had a family. He didn’t need the space. A bottle of strong alcohol laid on its side next to his couch, so empty that it hadn’t spilled, but there was only one glass. So he’d drank a lot all by himself. He was an empty man.

“How do you know my matháir?"

“We first met around nine and a half years ago. I was in Fallien on business and we were going the same way. Probably before you were born. How old are you?”

"I'll be nine at the turn of the season."

“Huh,” Rayse mumbled. He took another bite off the pear. Turn of the season, eh? So she was born maybe eight years and nine months ago… She was really good with fire, too.

…

…

“W… Who is your father?”

Taische shrugged. “My mother said he was a man she helped in the desert once, but that O’Sheean girls don’t need fathers.” It really didn’t matter to Taische who had sired her; she’d grown up with lots of uncles and plenty of love. A father hadn’t been anything important.

The cigarette fell out of his mouth and rolled on the couch. Rayse couldn’t process what he was hearing, so he tried to rationalize: maybe Karuka got knocked up by a pyromancer after she met him. Maybe before she met him. There was no reason to think otherwise. A pregnancy wasn’t always nine months. Maybe she conjured Taische with runic magic! It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. She did kinda look like him though. Ugh!

He tried to change the subject. “Anyway, as you can see this is just a misunderstanding. How about you get some rest, and I’ll go about finding your mother to reunite you two. If you want, you can leave right now and go find her yourself, but what do you think your mother will do if she thinks I kidnapped you and finds out I lost you? I would appreciate it if we avoided her rage. For both our sakes.”

Taische looked at the cigarette beside Rayse, and foggy white trickled into her eyes while they tracked the smoke. “She’ll be here soon. Days, maybe. And she’s mad.” She saw fire, she saw lightning, she saw ice. “The people who brought me here might be dead soon.” And her mother would kill Mal if she thought he’d caused her harm. But that wasn’t what he was afraid of. There was something worse her mother would do to him, but she wasn’t sure what that could be. Maybe break his stuff? If the empty man only had stuff to fill his life, then of course losing it would be worse than death.

Mal wasn’t going to hurt her, she was sure now. He had too much to lose. Which meant she had leverage. “I need a bath first,” she told him. “And something clean to wear.”

Rayse picked up his cigarette before it could do permanent damage to his furniture, eyes never leaving Karuka’s child. She was thin and dirty, and he wouldn’t be caught dead accompanying someone dressed like that, even if he wasn’t trying to convince her mother that the abduction wasn’t his fault. “Sure. We can take care of that.”

[Sulla]

Title: For Lack of Empathy
Participants: Rayse Valentino, Taische

Sorry this has taken so long to get around to. In addition to my procrastinator’s nature, I’ve been rather busy with a lot of real world events. But even when I had free time to spare after reading the thread, I found it especially hard to dive right into the judgement. Rayse, I looked at this for you when it was still six or seven posts long. I was glad to see you address some of the issues I pointed out, but now that it’s all complete, I realize there are some whole new issues with the beginning. I really enjoyed the thread, which is why I’ll have to tear it apart with nitpicking and hold you more accountable for the mistakes that you didn’t manage to catch in the editing process.

Plot

Story: (6 / 10)

I’m going to start off with my biggest complaint for this thread - Vincent. Not the character himself, mind you, or his soothing words to Taische or repartee with Rayse (both of which I thought were expertly done), but instead what he represents. I knew he probably wasn’t going to survive the thread when I first saw Rayse’s imposed future narration, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It creates expectations for a reader and can certainly help with foreshadowing. But just before he died, I saw a writing cardinal sin committed - The Swan Song. If done well, it can certainly bring a gravitas to the story that will really draw your audience’s attention. But it wasn’t. I’ll touch more on its failings in other categories, but from the argument in the courthouse and up until his beheading, Vincent stopped being a real character. He was a sacrificial lamb so blatant that you might as well have highlighted the event by having Rayse and Taische cry out “pathos!” in unison. A clumsy misstep like that becomes all the more obvious when you compare how well he (and the others) worked throughout the thread. When you kill off a character you’ve invested that much time into, there are a number of precautions you can take to make sure their death has the all important impact you’re looking for. Space out the their penultimate moment (which conveniently explained a bit of backstory in his argument with Rayse), use a more subtle quirk or habit the audience has gotten use to with the character just before as a brief reminder of why we care (instead of pounding us over the head with why we should care), or give us an example of how the protagonist has gotten so use to having them around that a world without them seems unthinkable. As it stands, I was left with that uneasy feeling I get when I realize someone’s trying to pull my heartstrings. If a reader realizes they’re being emotionally manipulated, you’ve failed in your job of immersing them into the story. That’s not to say don’t try it. All writing is on some level manipulative. But you need to be careful with how you go about it, because once a reader becomes aware that it’s happening, it sours them to everything that precedes it.

The story itself was a mix of fantastic build-up and fast-paced action before the swan song, and then it had a rather strange tonal shift when the curveball of time travel was thrown in. As it stands, it feels more like two partially complete stories instead of one full one. When you commit to a change in focus, and especially when it includes temporal relocations, the key isn’t just connecting events and perspectives, but keeping other elements of the previous part alive in the new. When Rayse awoke in his hotel suite with a hangover to find the mercenaries he’d sent out arriving with Taische, only to go on a bit of a time traveling adventure to reclaim her, these were explanations for what occurred, but there was a massive gap in style and personality that needed to be filled. If the story was longer, and Rayse’s second (or first) meeting with the child had mirrored or reflected on the first (or second) encounter (the one with Vincent), this would have better bridged the two pieces into a cohesive whole. Perhaps Rayse could have thought back to another time he had to watch out for a kid he had no interest in, perhaps you could have stretched out the interaction with Taische to bring back some of that awkwardness and disdain from earlier. I’ll jump into this point a bit more in pacing.

Setting: (10 / 10)

Ettermire was described fantastically, and I think a lot of that had to do with an outsider’s perspective in a very alien world. Foreign soldiers parading in unknown streets, the prisoner they lead who can’t hear the earth through the slabs of stone and metal that make up its foundation; these are the cornerstones to a wonderful chance to really describe something that’s hard to imagine, and I think you really took full advantage of the opportunity. Not only did you give detailed nuances, but the setting was almost a character throughout. The cramped quarters and derelict buildings, shantytowns and rubbled foundries - these added to the claustrophobia and urgency behind the escapees actions. And not only did it valuably serve as a backdrop, you used the set to your advantage against your pursuers. Having Taische drop rubble on top of the dark elf during the melee, using the file cabinet in front of the hole in the wall, and spending a few stressful hours restlessly resting among the debris really made the city seem like a living entity all its own. It was neither good nor evil, and served no master but circumstance and chance encounter. I, simply put, loved the way you used it to delay the antagonists, which was a worry I had from the beginning. It’s difficult to draw out attacks when the force behind it are natives of the area and can see in the dark. Your characters were at a disadvantage, and it is all too easy to forgo this entirely to make up some ridiculous excuse as to why you’re not overwhelmed immediately. You did an admirable job in avoiding that, and went above and beyond to answer the doubts I had in my mind.

Even after the change of scenery, inside the penthouse, you played up the strength again by having it mirror Rayse as a character. Empty, superfluous, and existing only as expected between some aloof and frozen background (up high, in Salvar). Simply put, there was no real fault in this category, and it’s easy to see why it was your strongest.

Pacing (6 / 10)

As I’ve mentioned, the swan song was the big changing point in action for the thread. Truthfully, you could argue it was the arrival of future Rayse to whisk Taische out of harm’s way. But Vincent’s speech and then death were when things slowed to an unnecessary crawl, after what had been a tightly maintained sequence of chase and anticipation. Before it, I can honestly say I was thoroughly engrossed in the story at hand. The build-up was noticeably brief and perfectly adequate to introduce the reader to everything they needed to know. Taische was a witch (for all intents and purposes) and Vincent and Rayse were the junior officers in charge of her guard. After two posts, we get right to the action of the chase that dominated the thread, and from there you did a good job balancing the hectic need for flight with intermittent periods of rest and character building. Rayse, I’m glad you took some of my advice earlier when it came to cleaning up the pacing, because the protagonists’ flight really improved from where last I read.

But afterwards? Rayse and Taische stand outside the courthouse - having sneaked through the wall. Things had already slowed down because it’s dawn and their crawling seems to have taken some time. Rayse is dispodent and near catatonic, and Taische tries to urge him forward before being whisked away by some unknown factor that leads past Rayse by himself, and finds future Rayse asleep in a plush hotel room with an unconscious (past) Taische soon joining him. This a markedly full stop for the story, and another beginning to events. It answers questions that existed for the authors of the thread without those same questions being asked to the audience. Up until this point, the reader had some small notion as to Taische’s predicament. She wonders where her mother is, she’s confused as to why she hasn’t been rescued yet. There are reminders of this throughout the thread, but for the most part it wasn’t the most pressing issue put forth. Children can’t understand a lot of the adult world. It makes sense that she’d be at a loss for answers in regards to her mother. And later we’re treated to the real reason Karuka hadn’t yet arrived - more than a decade separated the two. This revelation is systemic of the latter half of the thread, which slowed so much because it needed to wrap up loose ends in the story. And it lasted quite a long time. Post 12 finished the past storyline without Taische (now removed), and we discover future Rayse and the events that caused the entire chain of events, as well as the revelation that Rayse is very, very likely Taische’s father.

That’s all well, but one of the big reasons there feels like there is a disconnect here is because not all the loose threads are tied up neatly. The audience has an answer to a question that wasn’t paramount in their mind, but no answer as to who the attackers were, what their motivation was, and what really wraps up the past’s storyline is the brief mention that no awards were given for a failed mission. A bit more backstory from future Rayse, or even another ending post from his past self discussing issues that would be dredged up because of this (minor international incident, an investigation, some small semblance that Rayse did right or wrong by contacting or ignoring Vincent’s parents) would have helped bind the two parts together much more fluidly. Instead, both halves can pretty much stand on their own when it comes to having a full story and they don’t really mirror, compliment, or contrast each other enough to be in the same thread.



Character

Communication (8 / 10)

Communication in this thread was almost flawless, and I mean that with no exaggeration. Taische and Vincent complimented each other perfectly. I can’t really recall reading interactions with a child that felt so natural, bustling with naiviety and hopeless optimism that one needs when communicating with someone not fully capable of understanding the situation. And more than that, it was downright excellent to use a child’s love of stories and outsider perspective to mention backstory in dialogue. Vincent’s tale of Rayse and how they became friends feels much more engaging when we put ourselves in Taische’s place, and that may be one of the best benefits of the character. Even with that use, Rayse and Vincent had a bond that was inexplicable but totally relatable. Vincent, playing at notions of chivalry and honor, and Rayse, pragmatic and cynical - the audience didn’t even need to be told they were friends by their back and forth.

Beyond just the verbal pale, though, were the habits each displayed. Rayse would constantly crave a cigarette to calm his nerves, reminding the reader he’s actually afraid, despite the scowl that only Taische saw. Vincent’s first move was to free the child in his charge, and no matter the motivation, both honor in duty and honor of character fit the mold of what we’re told of his character. But I think my favorite part of all this was how simple and real everything felt when Vincent and Rayse took on the first dark elf that snuck into the factory they were hiding in. It was a tense moment, but the looks exchanged and the quick knife gestures to formulate the plan were absolutely all that was needed. These are green recruits, but they’re trained in warfare nonetheless. They’ve worked together before, if only in simulations, and the end result was what you would expect from people putting theory into practice the first time.

My big complaint, again, is the speech Vincent gives to Rayse in the courthouse. It comes out of nowhere to the reader. Something like that needs far more pent up frustrations before exploding outward, especially in the given situation. They’ve hidden or run all night, and they know that arguing is pointless when they have a need for haste. For Vincent to just blurt out his resentfulness for Rayse’s opportunity and and attitude because of it felt out of character, and worse, it included the synopsis of a sob story. As I’ve mentioned, I had an inkling he was going to die, but when I read about his family's financial troubles in the middle of an escape for his life? He was a dead man walking at that point.

Action (7 / 10)

It’s good this category comes next, because I can continue more with the chain of events that really soured me on the story.

Why did Vincent need to stay behind? They could see the hole a bit from behind the cabinet, sure. But Rayse and Taische didn’t need the extra time to escape, they didn’t hustle as the blade fell, and to be honest, it felt like they all would have had plenty of time to escape if they had blocked the entrance up a little bit. Even if they didn’t, they’d relied so much on Taische’s skill with fire up until that point. Why didn’t they try and set fire to the room they were in, if only to fill it with a bit of choking and blinding smoke? Maybe even in front of the door their assailants entered? Anything to delay them. Everyone had been so careful and thought quickly up until this point. And while I can understand the archetype of the noble sacrifice, especially from Vincent out of the three, at no point had he come off as stupid. He’s a trained officer. If he wanted to slow their progress, him stabbing at them as they climbed into the hole after the kids would have made more sense, his body acting as a barrier. The dark elves didn’t believe him, they would continue with their search no matter what.

Another issue, much smaller, was in post 3. When the group is first attacked, and Taische first shows off her gifts, Vincent asks for a lockpick from Rayse (because he always carries one on him, a good bit of character building and foreshadowing for the later story of his black market in school, but I digress) to undo Taische’s restraints. But then he asks the little girl to melt the lock on the door behind them. All he’s known of her abilities in rumor (the story of the carriage) and what he has just seen (a spark igniting gunpowder). Why would he risk precious time on a process he’s not sure will work, that may take too long, when he has a lockpick in his hands. Vincent no doubt had skill with it, he undid the cuffs very quickly. Picking a door lock wouldn’t be that much more difficult, is a reliable skill, and the door can be locked behind you afterwards.

The attackers motives were unknown, so it’s a little difficult to know just what was going through their minds in this. It’s not the most imperative thing in a story, especially when you devote so much time in creating your protagonists, but I always find a properly defined villain easier to relate to and jeer for. Early on, when they first strike, they’re highly organized. No specific is given to their number, but the element of surprise is on their side. Later, it’s just four, with one inevitably being taken out by falling furniture. But it was at this moment that I found it hard to reason through their plan. The kids needed to stay a certain amount of quiet the entire time to avoid detection, and Rayse and Vincent’s entire plan revolved around taking out the intruder in one swift motion. But the ensuing struggle and eventually victory must have created a lot of noise. There was some modicum of haste given to their retreat, but how far apart were the pursuers at this moment? Did they split off as individuals to hunt? When the first flew into the factory, I expected to see at least a pair of them come in. It seemed needlessly futile, though still an entertaining read. I suppose Vincent and Rayse would have less of a chance against two.

Of course, besides a few lingering questions, the escape portion of the story was spot on. I’m not used to seeing characters fleeing for their lives and actually doing something useful to avoid the danger. Vincent, Rayse, and Taische rested only when they needed to, and only as much as they could savor in between bouts of running and hiding. There was a hectic feeling to it all, like allowing a child to go first up into the above room because it might not support weight, or the desperate attempts of that child to just do something to save her new found friend’s life, that drew my attention more intensely. I feel like you can claim a fair measure of success when a reader finds themselves in the scene, pushing along with those tiny hands in a frantic moment.

Persona (8 / 10)

I know this thread was extraordinarily collaborative, so I’m not quite sure who to praise when it comes to some specifics. Saying that, I’m more than certain both of you deserve some large amount for each character involved.

Taische, writing as a child is difficult. I mentioned children seeing the entire world differently from adults, and it takes some special magic to channel back into the innocence of that time. You were more than successful in this. Taische didn’t just speak and act like a kid, she thought like one too. It’s difficult to tell if it was just a standard childhood or one influenced by the long arm of Karuka, but there’s an absolutism to everything, a clear division between right and wrong, and a certainty that the right will win out in the end. I have a hard time remembering anything I’ve read that so closely encapsulates what I consider the child’s mind, though I can’t say I read many things with kids as their focal point.

Rayse, you had the benefit of showing your character at two different points. While I wasn’t entirely sold on the story mechanic, you did a wonderful job showing how markedly changed (though strikingly similar) your character was by the years. The younger Rayse is petulant and self-assured in a way you can imagine any sixteen year old boy to be. But it went beyond that, and you could see the glimmer of someone who had already figured the world for a rotten place, and the only solution to it was money. There’s something juvenile in the thinking, and frightening when you consider he may be onto something. And, despite the flaws of a rough exterior and youthful world-weariness, he was extremely loyal to someone he called a friend. Older Rayse, though we get just a glimpse at him rising from a hangover, seems tempered by comparison and more willing to go with how the world works because he has a hand in its manipulation. You succeeded in showing the audience that Rayse obtained some semblance of his dream. He’s made it, he has the penthouse and a few hired thugs to do his bidding, even if they do it poorly. He even has his own vault filled with treasures that he rarely seems to visit. He was almost Gatsby-like, obtaining his dream for the sake of appearance, but certainly without the teetotaling.

Besides my large complaint, Vincent came off as a fairly perfect friend. He was that guy you know that was bound by his word and sense of honor, risking his neck no matter the circumstance. I enjoyed seeing him wearied a bit by the situation he was caught in, and given his later outburst, I would have liked it if you peppered just a few more hints in about his past. Making a character seem too perfect is alright, if a bit boring. But giving them some flaw or hurdle they work past? That makes them human.

Prose

Mechanics (10 / 10)

I read through the thread three times, and I can’t really find a single mechanical flaw. Usually when I see a thread that was rushed through to finish, especially one that seems a little obvious given the ending to the story, I expect to see an error or two. Nothing spellcheck would catch, but a misused homonym or stray comma. There wasn’t a single mistake I could find in this, though, and that’s because of the intense proof-reading I know Taische is capable of. I only wish I shared that same dedication.

Clarity (8 / 10)

I had some issues getting a clear image a few times in this thread, though they were mostly minor, and some very well might have been intentional.

During the lead up march and eventual ambush, I had a hard time finding out the numbers on either side of the skirmish. I’d originally pictured the procession fairly long as military parades are oft to be, but that can’t really be the case if they all squeezed into the alley. I was unsure of the number of initial attackers, but that might have been purposeful to create same tension in the reader that Vincent and Rayse were feeling.

It was hard for me to keep track of the passage of time (again, maybe intentional given the looming Alerarian buildings). I wondered how it was dawn by the time they escaped from the courthouse, how long it took for them to crawl through the passageway, and why it took so long for the attackers to find Rayse after Taische’s disappearance. Most of this happened at the transition anyways, so it added to my mixed feelings to the shift in story.

Finally, I would like to mention that some more info as to what occurred to Rayse when he returned to the train station. Did the rest of his platoon survive? Did they only have his word to go on? This question nagged me until the end of the thread.

Technique (8 / 10)

The imagery you used to describe Ettermire gave the city both body and soul. It was impending, giant, and monolithic, and filled to the brim with empty space and decrepit ruins from a history not nearly modern enough. I liked having an alien’s perspective for it, almost personifying his surroundings to everything. Taische did well here too, keeping with the child of nature motif to make the city sound and feel entirely different to everything she was used to. It worked in terms of deepening your surroundings, and it also worked to forebode the inevitable attack.

Rayse, the bits of narration you threw into most of your early posts were insightful to character, but I can’t help feeling like there was a missed opportunity here. When I mentioned the disconnect from past and future, part of that includes the journalistic style entry imposed over the past that had no mention with present Rayse. If he’d awoken from the drunken stupor with some images or voices calling at him from the past in his dreams, or if he’d spent the time hammered writing half-formed ideas about his early exploits, I think there would have been a better mesh between the two stories. As things are, the narrative bits kind of stick out, adding flavor but without any real substance to them.

Wildcard (9 / 10)

This thread had a serious flaw and felt disconnected from itself as it progressed, but these flaws became all the more obvious when compared to the superior quality of the earlier half. While I’m disappointed in the eventual conclusion, it was by no means bad. It just had an entirely different flavor from the rest. For all the negatives I mentioned, your positives were stellar enough to warrant me nominating this for a Judge’s Choice. Because, no matter what issues I took with how things turned out, I can’t help but find myself floored by the success in execution - technically almost flawless and worthy of being used to show the best Althanas has to offer.

Total Score: (80 / 100)
Rayse Valentino receives:
EXP - 6048
GP - 450

Taische receives:
EXP - 3585
GP - 405

(x3 Althanas Day rewards)

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!