[P.A.L.E.] Sorish Initiation ~ Crystallization

[Ashla]

Ashla did not turn to face Sorish. She stood at the door, her hand now on the bronze knob. She felt more tears fall from her eyes. She knew her parents still loved her, it was how the rest of her family reacted. More than anything, Ashla wanted to know what family love was like. She knew that her uncle Monte had been fond of her, he laughed with her and trained with her... so why did he lie to her? Was love itself a lie? She had no clue. However, Sorish's words, buzzing in her head, caused her puffy eyes to keep shedding liquid. Julius entered her mind. Her beloved meant close to everything to her... and she had no idea where he was. Fulgur II was her first bloodline family she knew as a true Icebreaker. At first they got along, then revenge clouded both their minds. From there on out, even as the new king of Eiskalt, he been nothing but a jerk. Often times they and Julius disputed.

Ashla did not know what to say. She tugged at the blue, nixtella necklace her mother had passed down to her. It was her final confession of love to a helpless, frozen, crying baby before she passed on. Ashla never had a mother. Did Layla Rose spend her last seconds in guilt and tears? Ashla's father had tried his best, but died a depressed, hopeless drunk. Ashla barely remembered him, but she remembered hiding when her daddy came home screaming slain... and the laughs and giggles they shared when he chased her around the house to tickle and kiss his toddler daughter.

Ashla blinked the good and bad memories away. Several extra tears falling quickly, and sighed. The Icebreaker then replied to Sorish's request.

She turned the nob, "I'll let the monks know." With that, she exited the room, wanting to get away from it as fast as she could.

[Ashla]

Done.

[Philomel]

Thread Title: PALE Sorish Initiation ~ Crystalisation
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Blue Ghost of Seaside vs Hoytti

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Plot: 17 --- 17

• Story- 5/10---5/10

General:
As all points here apply to you, there will only be a general comment here.
Overall the story seemed very rushed. It felt like this thread could have easily been twice the size, and for a battle there was not much fighting and a great deal of conversation. It is understandable, as you are talking about not fighting because of Ashla being pregnant, but for the situation it felt too rushed as well as too awkward in terms of plot. Really there was only one clash of swords between you two, then a great amount of talking.

• Setting- 6/10---6/10

Blue Ghost: Though the imagining of the setting was your idea and you described it well at first, it would have been good to see your use of it through the rest of the piece. It seemed to become forgotten, with all its crystal beauty, during the speech of your character.
Hoytti: You used the setting well when you focused on the small details (such as the “drips” in post 4) however this was the only real focus on setting as far as your character goes. Try to continue on with these small details, talking about the light of the crystals and using your other senses apart from hearing and sight.

• Pacing- 6/10---6/10

Blue Ghost: Pacing was a little fast in general in this thread. Your greatest weakness here was the imbalance of your post lengths. Where post 3 was very short post 7 was rather long. To make a visually appealing as well as a thread that flows it is good to have them similar length. However, you have a good grasp of the rise of action. Try to keep up this ability throughout your thread.
Hoytti: Similar as the comments from Story, you did not pace well and dominated some of your posts (namely 8) with a lot of dialogue and not much else. You can easily make your posts a little longer. Try adding just small little extra details here and there, a bit of history etc to deepen your writing.

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Character: 17 --- 16

• Communication- 5/10---5/10

Blue Ghost: What is your strength here is you give a very clear view to the difference in tones in terms of when Ashla gets angry and then calmer, with a patience that could be expected from a royal (post 7 especially for this). However, sometimes her tone changes a little too much and the words that it is confusing if it is still the same person. It would also very much help to space out your dialogue pieces with lines of action and so on, rather than clump them together.
Hoytti: In general you do have a definite voice for your character, and it comes across as the proud strong being that Sorish is. This does die out a little, though, with the large clumps of dialogue or large paragraphs that have not many breaks. Breaks would help to encourage a more determined voice.

• Action-5/10---5/10

Blue Ghost: There is a little confusion in terms of Ashla’s actions, whether she is able to fight or not in terms of her pregnancy. For this thread there is a lot of standing around and talking, which is rather odd for a battle. It seems like Ashla would more around a little more than you have suggested, or if not, adding more action would help with this point.
Hoytti: When it comes to terms of Sorish fighting, there is a good description and strength here, so well done. However, in terms of using his unusual height it would be really good to show how he observes the world and acts around it from 8’7” feet high. You could use this unique feature really to show off powerful writing.

• Persona- 7/10---6/10

Blue Ghost: You do seem to have a good grasp of who and what your character is and stands for, and you relate this well in such terms as “the Icebreaker” in post 7. There is also a clear idea of her desires and so on, so well done here.
Hoytti: All in all Sorish comes across as proud, unfortunately though you could have written him a lot more in terms of this. Though we do see a little of his fears in terms of his son he had to carry, and so his inner thoughts, it would be good to go on similar in style. However, well done for a strong character.

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Prose: 18 --- 14

• Mechanics- 7/10---4/10

Blue Ghost: You fair well as far as spelling and mechanics generally goes, using paragraphing fairly well. However there are a few times where it feels there should be capitalisation (“towering coralian king” in post 5) however in general you do well.
Hoytti: Unfortunately you have a great amount of spelling, paragraphing and grammar mistakes within this piece. For instance, in post 6 you use the word “bore” instead of the correct form “boor” and you contain dialogue in the middle of paragraphs with other sentences, when dialogue should always have its own line. There are numerous problems here, but a good look over all the way through should help before you post, or before the thread is sent for judgement.

• Clarity- 5/10---5/10

Blue Ghost: You have a good sense of clarity in your writing, in general, and it shows well. However, at times Ashla’s reasonings do become vague and her actions confusing. Try to space actions out a little, and don’t rely so much on dialogue. This will help you a lot.
Hoytti: Your spacing and paragraphing do not help here as far as clarity goes. In post 8, right after you have written a paragraph of dialogue you then describe a set of actions with, “Sorish then prepared…” however this is generally lost. This happens a few times within your writing, and the language also does not show itself well to describe clearly what is happening. Try to write things a little simpler sometimes and use more paragraphs.

• Technique- 6/10---5/10

Blue Ghost: In general you describe well, especially in your opening post. Nevertheless your writing is very safe and does not use many linguistic techniques nor does it keep up a consistant style. Try using things such as metaphor and your writing really will shine.
Hoytti: You do write well, in general, though it would be a good technique to use more adjectives in your writing. This would really help you. Also, try to use written numbers - i.e. five rather than 5 - as this will make things a lot better visually.

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Wildcard: 5 --- 5

As far as Wildcard goes I am going to give it for the involvement of the Power Group here. Neither of you forgot why your characters were having this fight throughout the piece, which was particularly very good. It flowed well in terms of the Power Group and clearly explained the reasonings for being there, though perhaps not why P.A.L.E. needs to test its members skills in a battle.

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Final Score: 57---52

BlueGhostOfSeaside Wins!:

• 1575 EXP!
• 70 GP!

Congratulations!


Hoytti Receives:

• 450 EXP!
• 35 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!