Forrals Fortress; I started this, and was asked by Sei to finish it. This judgment may come off as a bit harsh, potentially critical. I’m here to determine by your writing which Power Group you represent is rewarded a Head Quarters though. I will offer critique, but for the most part will point out flaws so you know what I saw that was out of place.
The Inventor Plot (10/30)
Your opening post left much to be desired, as I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on for the thread, what the setting was, who your character was, or how you were involved. Opening posts are hard for everyone, and sometimes it’s best to let another person start a thread and build off of what they create afterwards so that your involvement has a place to exist comfortably.
Character (12/30)
A worm in an automaton… I love it. The idea is great. Make sure you build on it, really develop the character and add in more information for the reader about what he is and why he does what he does. I think, as far as the unique characters I’ve seen on the site, I really think this one is great. With practice and more experience in the base elements of writing you could go really far with this guy.
Your action with the centipede was very believable, showed a little more of the character, and yet part of it was odd. The part that threw me off was why you put on the bark for armor, snuck down the tree, and instead of continuing to sneak away you stabbed the thing.
Prose (15/30)
There were times when I thought something you said was a bit off, tense agreements here and there. Your writing is clear enough, but could use some polish as to the style. Remember that when you are writing numbers are always spelled not typed i.e. ten instead of 10.
Wildcard (4/10)
You fought valiantly and did well in a very large thread. Keep up the work and dedication to your writing and I look forward to more from you in the future.
Philomel
Plot (19/30)
You have an obvious way with words, but the writing is heavy and slow to read. At times I had to backtrack or come to a crawl in order to keep up. The pacing was the hardest part of reading your narrative.
Character (17/30)
I like the idea of the character, and how her connection to nature is a big part of the narrative. It’s interesting and as a reader I was happy to be able to really absorb who the character was and what they were about.
Your description of the fighting is not your strongest suit. It doesn’t flow very well, but it is clear. I would suggest taking the time to read up on other’s battles to get a better feel for how to write a battle, figure out what makes the writing good, and then incorporate it into your writing. You have a strong voice and strength with writing, try to not lose that with your action.
Prose (18/30)
Parallelism in your writing is good, but repetition of the exact same thing detracts from the narrative more. In your first post, for example, you used “Once” to open 3 sentences in a row, then used “the circumstances” in three back-to-back sentences in the next paragraph.
As noted in the plot, your writing makes things a little unclear, and it falls on your sentence structure mostly.
Your second post opened with a lot of pronouns, but without the proper noun (I assumed you were referring to yourself and your familiar) it was just a lot of ‘them’ and ‘their’. Used ‘loud’ and ‘rude’ twice to describe the same thing.
Wildcard (2/10)
DQ’ed
Alyssa Snow
Plot (21/30)
The pace was smooth with a very easy to read narrative, and very good advanced writing techniques that made the setting more in-depth than almost anyone else. I would have liked if the past jump wasn’t so much of the opening, as it did take away from what was going on in the present. And further on in the story your pacing slowed here and there, as if just a little off enough that it became muddled a bit.
Character (20/30)
The dialogue to offer backstory, depth to the reason you were there, and really the entire thread was exactly what was needed. The entire conversation was well done. I like the juxtaposition between your narrative and the character, it actually gives plenty of information for the reader to work with.
Prose (25/30)
Your style is simplistic in nature, but smooth and entirely too good in its eloquence. My only note so far is that you re-use a verb twice the same way in sentences that are back to back.
Clarity of one of the sentences made me re-read it a couple times, the fourth one in post 13. Not sure what ‘it’ was referring to. Missed capitalizing a sentence. A couple present tense slip ups in the writing.
Wildcard (7/10)
Hysteria
Plot (19/30)
Your opening post was rather… odd at first. It was like reading something more aligned with a philosophical debate about light and darkness, and right off the bat it hurt the pacing of the narrative. And the rest of your narrative at times had awkward pacing that was jolting from a reader standpoint.
Character (20/30)
Your character, the way you narrated our portion of the story, left much to be desired. I would have liked to know about Talen through your actions and dialogue. If you have quirks or other personality things that would make Talen a dynamic character you should incorporate that into the writing, round him out.
Prose (18/30)
Missing words in your narrative made me have to re-read the passage to find what was missing. As well as misspelled words, ‘vein’ instead of ‘vain’, ‘apart’ instead of ‘a part’
The use of ‘you’, second person, in the thread was awkward.
Using ‘whipping’ and ‘whip’ in the same sentence, ‘journey’ twice in the next. Try and use synonyms so that you don’t re-use the same word too often.
Second post, last sentence, what you wrote was rather unclear and hard to follow.
Wildcard (7/10)
Warpath
Plot (22/30)
The opening description, with the way you created the setting of Berevar, was brilliant and very enjoyable to read. Your pacing for the fight with the griffin was awkward to a degree, and I would have liked more description about the creature itself.
The pacing of post to post was good for the most part but off at other times, sometimes very long, sometimes to the point, but each time it was just a little different. Try and keep the consistency throughout.
Character (20/30)
You built quite a character though the narrative, but the last sentence of the first post really just crushed it for me. It was like this great guy with such an interesting, unexplored past that was just teasing the reader to learn more suddenly found modern American speech. As if you went from really creating a vision to saying “he’s a badass guys”.
Your actions with your opponent, taking it as an unwilling mount, was pretty interesting.
Prose (21/30)
Your writing style is fantastic to read, and really paints a strong picture for the reader, the personification of the land and how it felt, how it reacted, was great. However, as your first post continued it became heavy, try to use that technique and ability you have without losing the brevity and clarity.
Present tense being added into past tense writing
Wildcard (7/10)
Erikar
Plot (17/30)
What was missing of the plot was not setting – you did that well – and the pacing was done well enough too; you simply did not have enough about why you were part of the thread. What group are you part of that has sent you to the island and why? The Order is all I know of, but not what they are or why you’re part of it.
Character (15/30)
I look forward to seeing the development of the character, how he works and thinks. I really would like to know more about him, get inside his head. Remember that your reader isn’t going to necessarily know each thread you’ve done in the past, as well as read your profile, so it’s pivotal to include enough for the reader to see a well-developed, dynamic, round character instead of a flat and static one.
Prose (16/30)
Mistakes with wording, it seemed that you typed something originally and then decided to change what you wanted to say… but forgot to remove the first word you used.
Wildcard (2/10)
Your magnetism allowed you to be safe from the fall, I assume, but was lost on how it kept you from dying as well as how you used it that way.
DQ’ed.
Lye
Plot (20/30)
The opening post, aside from dialogue comment I made below, was very good. You gave a reason for what you are doing in the thread, a little bit of information about the clan and how Erikar was part of it. It was very well done.
Pacing of each post suffered a little.
Character (23/30)
Strong dialogue, with descriptors to add to the characters made the narrative of your first post very easy to read and very good.
Prose (22/30)
The narrative was well written and clear, but part of the 24th post was awkwardly worded with a lot of ‘you’ in it.
Wildcard (7/10)
Elthas_Belthasar
Plot (18/30)
Writing dialogue in the middle of a paragraph slows the pace, but the pace was also awkward in the very beginning of your intro. Also, try not to write too many short, single sentence paragraphs back to back.
Character (17/30)
More about who Elthas is, what he is about and rounding out the character would be great. I get a little bit of personality out of the inner dialogue, but describing it through the narrative would be much better.
Prose (20/30)
You could use synonyms for your name in place of starting each sentence with Elthas. Your writing has improved a lot since last I read something of yours, and it is clear and easy to read, but you still write something in all caps sometimes that could be underlined or italicized. Just a couple little mistakes such as missing commas, and a bit of sentence structure, apostrophes after a word that ends in an ‘s’ doesn’t need another – Elthas’ instead of Elthas’s.
Wildcard (7/10)
Ioder Didn’t judge your work because it was only one thread, going to give you a little reward just because. Scored you like a 50.
Fox Owen Xavier Same as Ioder.
Score::
The Inventor: 41
Philomel: 56
Alyssa Snow: 73
Hysteria: 64
Warpath: 70
Erikar: 50
Lye: 72
Elthas: 62
Name: (Post Count): Rewards:: I know that this was a ‘battle’ technically, but I am treating it as a quest for experience and gold; also, I have included post counts and will leave the discretion of who gets the ultimate reward to Sei. I would say based on post count and quality of posts alone it would be Alyssa. But congrats to everyone.
The Inventor: (4): 265 exp and 35 gold
Philomel: (5): 525 exp and 60 gold
Alyssa Snow: (8): 935 exp and 120 gold
Hysteria: (8): 1480 exp and 105 gold
Warpath: (8): 1345 exp and 115 gold
Erikar: (1): 80 exp and 10 gold
Lye: (4): 655 exp and 60 gold
Elthas: (4): 475 exp and 55 gold
Ioder: (1): 85 exp and 10 gold
Fox Owen: (1): 80 exp and 10 gold
Submit Thread for Judgment
