Name of Thread: A run-in with spiders
Participants: LycorisX
Type of Judgement: Basic Judgement
Score: Average - 50
Strengths:
Description: You do have a remarkable story-telling technique in the way of describing things that is enchanting as well as beautiful. You have a good grasp of the English language and how to use adjectives to your advantage, which is a really good strength for a developing writer. Especially in post 4 you have a really good way of describing by talking about, "many, terrifyingly soulless eyes" of teh spider, one that is not to cliche and reflects the fear of your character.
Style: You have a clear style, which is really good, and relatively you write everything in a correct format. Commas are all in their right place, and it is really great to hear/see the thoughts of your character in her head in post 9. This really helps, persona wise, the reader and judger to get to know your character that little bit more. It would have been good to see more of this, but a really good start for your first thread in Althanas.
Setting: You have a strong sense of setting, and have used the world of Althanas well, inserting in your own creature nightmare that may be a little untraditional, surprisingly, for threads. You keep mentioning the forest and do not forget the danger of the spiders at any point, nor do you get overwhelmed by neither which can be an easy thing to do in a combat thread, so well done.
Weaknesses:
Spacing: A piece of writing is as important to the reader as it is to the writer, and visually your writing is a little difficult to read. Usually in Althanas people do leave two lines between each paragraph, and it is absolutely fine to not follow this suit - however a use of indentation at the beginning of each paragraph as you might find in a novel is the correct form and would help the overall ease of read. Also, in general, try to make your posts more equal to make reading easier.
Use of words: You have a tendency, unfortunately, to use the same words at the start of sentences. This is most apparent in the last post, 10, where you have three paragraphs in a row using the same first word - "she" and use "its" for two sentences in a row. Try varying your sentence starters, by mixing up word order and experimenting a little. This will hugely help your writing.
Words: Unfortunately there were a couple of spelling errors and a few times when the tenses gets mixed up; "were" instead of "was" in post 5. A good check over before you post would really help this, and in general you could be more experimental with your word choice, using more similies and metaphors to help. That being said, this was a pleasant read.
Welcome to Althanas!
EXP: 620
GP: 0
GP and 50 EXP exhanged for Loot request of 5 glass vials of non-lethal spider venom, of basic quality. Capable of causing dizziness for one hour, capable of knocking out after 20 minutes for a few minutes due to level 1 character. Please ask Philomel for further details. Use is 1 per vial.
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