Blood in the Wood

[Devonus]

I grimaced as the golem dissected my character, her words held true with each syllable that vibrated in my mind. I knew each of my flaws as intimately as I knew the dangers of these woods. Sometimes I even wondered which would in the end, be the death of me. A soft smile dances across my lips as she finishes, an understanding ringing deep within, whispered on sweet whispered lips coated with blood so many long moons ago. 'Your rage burns hotter then even my cold blood can still. It burns bright, it burns pure.... Lose it, and you will lose yourself, and who knows what will arise from the ashes,' she whispers in my mind. Imaginery steel traces itself along my spine as I calm myself and look to the golem.

“No, I can never be satisfied sister. I have little reason to ever be, despite what concessions you, or any other, may offer.”

I slowly let the tension leave my pull on the arrow, and place it once again in its quiver. I bury my gaze on the golems head, blazing red eyes digging into its layered leave, seeing its imperfection, its fatigue in the moonlight.

“You are little better then the red hooded one, sheltered from the reality of the world by your long time away from it. Ignorance has never been an excuse for ones action.”

I gently reach out and take the broken core, the small pieces quivering in both pain, disgust, and relief, its broken soul uneasy in my undead hands, but free from whatever pain the others ignorant torture may be wrought by their hands, it still echoes of pain, it still echoes of anger.

Rest easy brother Lod'alquin. Vengeance might yet be ours...

I turn from her and slowly make my way to the other cores. Mithrades of the redwood, he of course had chosen to leave their service, it made sense for one who had so much to lose. His boistourous voice, deep as he was tall echoed in my mind.

”They know not what they will cause...”

Lornia the yew, also offered up her core. She spoke little. She was young, unsure of her place in this world, of all that had happened. Innocent, by many standards, especially by my own. Her voice was much less assured, it quavered as she briefly spoke, her words a soft whisper, almost child like as it trailed off.

“Thank you.. umm...”

I smile briefly and whisper to her as I place their two beating cores along side Lod'alquin.

“Its Devonus child”

A small squeamish squeak sounds in my mind as Lornia places the name, knowing not me, but of me.

I smile a bit, glad to here the voices of my tree brothers and sisters so clearly, as I had not heard their ilk in to many a night. I turn back to the Leaf Golem, her figure seeming much less imposing now that she lacked half her support. She was none the less, more then I could handle.

“Your ignorance, and his, may cause more harm then you know Golem. You have been to long gone from the world, to understand this forest. You know longer hear it's song, and though Lindaqualme may sing a song most savage, it sings it true. Yet what of you sister? I hear no song in your leaves, your voice no longer sings.”

I walk towards the edge of the clearing. Looking over my shoulder as i whistle for agar. My voice carries an air of contempt as I finish addressing the golem before leaving.

“The white winged one, this Ioder, I hope what you say is true. He sounds far more entertaining then the pathetic Heirophant in your arms. , Solkan, Hirathan, keep yourselves well, and should I need to fell you one day, ill make it swift if I can... And you leaf golem, what of your name? And the one you guard so vehemently and praise with so many a title?"

[Cards of Fate]

Bertha's leaves bristle. "I have heard the forest sing fool..." she replied, her voice a soft fluttering of leaves. "I have chosen not to sing along... she says turning away. She can feel Vincent inside of her, nestled unconsciously in the nest she had formed for him. Her leaves had patched his leg up, preventing further bleeding. She doesn't even turn back to the man to reply. "His name...is Vincent Cain." the golem roars. "And he will be the muse for my song..."

Leona is waiting at the entrance, arms outstretched as Bertha deposits the unconscious Hierophant in them. The two cannot exchange words, but Leona knows she has angered the golem. She descends into the pit and manages to carry Vincent into her room and sets him on her bed before summoning help to treat him. She knows she must wait. The moment Ioder finds out about the attack he will be hungry for revenge. A few non arcana cards tend to the unconscious Hierophant using minor healing magics to mend the torn flesh in his knee and stop the bleeding. He will be bedridden for days, maybe weeks, Leona makes several mental notes to switch to two sugars in her tea so that he might make a speedier recovery. The futures winding paths are clear to her, and she can see his forgiveness after seeing the means, and for that she is thankful. While she may be ready to dispose of any of her cards should the time come, Vincent has...grown on her.

Before she leaves she writes a quick note and leaves it next to the bed for an unconscious Vincent to read when he awoke, along with a present. A simple mahogany cane with an owl's head carved into the handle. He will need it when it's time to leave his bed to go on to more important matters. Feeling satisfied with her work she exits her room and heads down to the House of Cards' kitchen where she knows Ioder the angel will be cooking a pizza for a dinner with Vincent that will have to be postponed. She knows his reaction already, all she can do is make sure her path puts fate on the right track...

Spoils:

The Hierophant's Cane: A simple mahogany cane enchanted to be able to hold up to 500 pounds of weight with an owls head for a handle. Crafted specifically for Vincent's stature

[Devonus]

A human muse for a child of tree.... How.. foolish.

I shake my head as I watch her back, her leaves still bristling in her false righteousness.

How fitting that pose, a cat bristling with indignation at prey just beyond her reach.

I chuckles as I slowly start my trek away from the forest. Wondering if I am much better. After all I was the hunter tonight, the one whose prey slipped away. Oh but he will remember me I am sure, and it is different. I have no false belief that he could be mine, no false sense of being wrongfully robbed. No, I was outclassed. I ..

I was weak. I who considered the proudest hunter of these woods, above man and beast alike, was weak... but still, they were weaker of mind, of purpose.

I spit angrily into the grass, my eyes only a slight dull red as I grimace in disgust. The one named vincent did not have the strength to challenge me, weak and lost in a world he knew not. The leaf golem, weak of will and purpose, she bristled with the anger only those false to themselves know.

She could have fought, struck me down, but she felt weak, pity for the brothers that were bound. She needed not make concessions. She could have kept them.

Proud Mithrades, a strong personification of the Red Forest around me now. Innocent Lornia, fresh as new dew upon the leaf. Finally Lod'alquin, brother in pain and sorrow, his vengence still burning hot against my side, unquenched. Each, had she the drive the purpose, to fully serve her “hierophant”, would have stood strong at her side.

But she is lost, clinging to any purpose she can find.. but not with the strength to make that purpose truly hers. She has lost even her name... her song.

“Its almost sad... almost.”

Agar yips, emerging from a small bush to the east, his head tilted sideways in confusion at the unheard conversation within me. He limps a bit, his back left paw tenderly used as he comes up to me. I kneel and gently rub his head, placing a soft kiss upon his snout before going back to look at his leg. He whimpers I gently run my hand along it, a soft yelp issueing as I inspect and find the fracture. I pat his side hold his head between my hands and make eye contact.

“Im sorry I failed you tonight Agar. I was blinded by hatred, my eyes did not see what they should.. and because of that, you were hurt.”

His tongue gently lolls out and caresses my face, though cold, it still holds more comfort then any other creature would possibly ever show me.

“Thank you my friend.. Can you make it home?”

His head actually pulls back, and I'd swear it was a look of incredulity and cockiness, as if to say how dare I question his strength. I laugh a bit and once again pat his head, slowly picking our way towards home, takings wandering paths and bends to lose any possible pursuit. The sky slowly begins to lighten as we reach our clearing, the ancient oak under which I make my grave softly whispering on the wind a welcome home, of joy at our safe return. I place my palm against its gnarled bark, my other hand clutching the bag in which Mithrades, Lornia, and Lod'alquin now lay, and smile, the corners of my lip upturned in a cocky grin, a mischievous glint dancing in my now dark blue eyes.

“Yes, we are home, and this time we bring company!”

The leaves of the old oak seem to frolic and roll with laughter and mirth as I bury myself beneath the earth. As I doze off to sleep, the dreams of the cores mingling with mine as we recover beneath the earth. They all whisper of different emotions, of duty and pride, of playful days spent in summer breeze, and of course, of hate and rage. Agar alone was not my only companion this day, his head resting comfortably on my chest, no today..

Did I make friends?

I laugh at myself as I surrender to the rest of the day, of a damned mans sleep.

---

Requesting GP be banked for future spoil usage.

[Tobias Stalt]

Plot: 22 Story wise, this sets up the characters for future interaction. Vincent grows as a character, we see Devonus in the role of anti-hero and protector of the forest, and the story ends with high tensions. It doesn't really diffuse. I caution you against doing this too often, but it lends to writing good stories together in the future. You didn't use the setting to the fullest extent, and it sort of played a backseat to the characters. None of the action really popped. What did strike me was that you had a story you wanted to tell, and you told it. That's a strong foundation. Now build on it.

Character: 20 Cards, Vincent is pirtrayed here as something of a dry character. He exists in the moment, but takes no real command of it. The story tells us cut and dry, I did this because x and achieved y. You have the tools at your disposal to make a reader love or hate all of your characters, and also tell a story that keeps them riveted. Bland declarative statements weaken what could easily be descriptive prose and doorways into the mind of Vincent as he reacts to a world unknown to him. If you need specific advice, please PM me or ask for advice around. I challenge you personally not to tell me what's on his mind. I challenge you to show Vincent's thoughts through actions, and to let communication between characters confirm the reader's suspicions. Don't blow your load early on, especially in longer threads. We don't need to know, until we need to know. Devo, your feedback here is a bit less harsh, but take it for its salt. It feels like Devonus should be more predatory than he is. Despite being against difficult odds, he should still show a more feral, hateful streak toward the offending human. Regardless of being rebuffed by a golem, he should be relentless. As a guardian of the forest, I expect his bestial side would have grown a bit more pronounced over time, especially since he is a druid of Lindequalmë. It's a bit of an opinion here, but as far as lore goes, that's where we're at.

Prose : 15 Cards, you've already come a ways in threads that were started after this, so a lot of the feedback may come as rhetoric or repetitive to you. That said, it's good to take note of it so that it doesn't relapse into bad habit in the future. A quick proofreading of the thread will eliminate most of your preliminary spelling or grammatical issues; again, the center alignment of your posts is an unnecessary additive and it distracts from the overall focus of the writing. Your ultimate goal is to tell a story that neither gives too much or too little every aspect of presentation counts. On that same coin, Devonus, your use of the first person here drudges up a similar issue. For instance, you have a penchant for "I did this." "I did that." While you can't avoid the sentence format altogether, you want to try to limit it. The repetitive nature of the structure can add unwanted monotony to your voice. Also, "So, I'm surprised when..." Don't feel the need to tell us exactly what you're feeling. Get creative. Show us how he's reacting. (A healthy dose of "FUCK!" rips madly from my lips when an arrow whizzes past my ear and a fountain of blood erupts forth" has a much stronger effect. A well placed exclamation and a strong burst of action trumps a declaration of mood.)

Wildcard: 5 I am a man who loves a good villain. Devonus, you can develip into a real menace, but I think the context of levels is in your head. Don't be afraid to be as evil as your character is able to be, but act within the realm of realism. Just because I can't burn you alive doesn't mean I don't want to. Vinnie, man the fuck up.

Final Score: 60/100

Cards of Fate gains 600 exp and 70 gold
Devonus gains 650 exp and 80 gold

Cards: Motion for spoils denied *because* the value of the enchanted cane would exceed maximized gold output of the thread.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!