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Thread: Round 1 Group 1

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 1,307, Level: 1
    Level completed: 66%, EXP required for next level: 693
    Level completed: 66%,
    EXP required for next level: 693
    GP
    324
    Alkor's Avatar

    Name
    Alkor Dario Kiljak

    It is finished.

    As the swordsman staggered deeper into the forest, it wailed around him. The wind jostled trees that shivered as the strange tincture worked it's magic outward. He could feel the warring powers. Lindequalmë was a body, and its antibodies throughout the forest worked in futility against an unknown toxin. Fledgling trees still reliant on the dark power died outright.

    Alkor watched the tragic beauty unfold. It was the twilight of an age, the grasp of a titanic power loosened by the ingenuity of humans. For all the good this might mean now, Podë had given him the truth of it. Mortal minds were cyclical.

    They would band together now and tear down a common enemy. For a time, they might celebrate as brothers and friends. When the dust settled, the world would war again.

    For millenia, my curse stood testament to the evils in men's hearts.

    "That they have learned the power to combat it bespeaks darker things still," Alkor agreed, gaze locked on the horizon. His steps were purposed now, back to the encampment beyond Podë's domain. Outside the blossoming death that stretched out in his wake.

    You have overcome the greatest of all trials, my beloved avenger. The frailty of mortal reasoning.

    "And with your gift," he whispered coldly, "I now see the world drab and bleak."

    You now see as I have seen, since long before any of this.

    "I pity you, Witch," he stated. He could feel warmth stain his cheek, and he reached up to dab the corners of his eyes. He felt no sadness of his own, but the sensation was familiar. An eternity of tears swirled within him, older than memory. "Podë," he said her name so sadly that it wrenched his heart.

    He stopped short of the camp in awe. He soared a backward glance toward the forest, where the beautiful redheaded woman smile sadly at him, leaned against a tree. Alkor matched her gaze evenly and offered a slow nod, which she returned. He blinked, and she was gone.
    Last edited by Alkor; 02-21-15 at 11:15 PM.
    Under the burning sun
    I take a look around
    Imagine if this all came down
    I'm waiting for the day to come.

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 1,307, Level: 1
    Level completed: 66%, EXP required for next level: 693
    Level completed: 66%,
    EXP required for next level: 693
    GP
    324
    Alkor's Avatar

    Name
    Alkor Dario Kiljak

    Epilogue.
    Sunset on the Day of Burning felt oddly cold on his skin. Alkor stared into the wild flames that flickered at the heart of their base camp, half able to hear their schemes and fully disinterested in their song of triumph. They had won the battle, as he could still hear the forest's lament on the breeze.

    "But they will lose the war," he muttered.

    With his hands folded neatly in his lap, Alkor closed his eyes and let out a sight. When asked about Eldric's fate, Kiljak told them of a cursed bear, and how he had been unable to save his friend from being savagely mauled to death. How dead the man truly was, he could not say.

    Eldric would not return to this camp for some time, if he returned at all. With a quick sip of ale, Alkor pulled his mind from the events of the day. He listened half-hearted to their plan, to press deeper into the forest and to strike a mighty wound to the Red Witch.

    I will die. It cannot be stopped.

    Alkor turned his gaze skyward, and the stars danced into existence across a blanket of deepest blue."I came to this place for the money," Alkor whispered dryly. "I want no part of this magical game of crowns. I care nothing for these elves or their forest."

    Yet a part of it you are. From the moment you crossed into my domain, you were mine, Kiljak. See this through to the end.

    While he did not speak, the embers spiraled up and he felt a smile on his thin lips. "My father used to say that to me," he reminisced, "he wanted me to be thorough, to see all my duties through."

    If I am to be freed from this chain, I would have you be the breaker.

    He stopped. "Me?" he managed to respond. "No. Out of the question."

    With a start, he jolted upright. "Witch," he hissed between clenched teeth. "Witch."

    Do not think I have not touched other players in this game, Kiljak. I am not a foolish woman. I offer this to you, my dear, for the gifts I cannot give myself. History will remember you as a hero. Your luck will change. All of this begins with my flame snuffed out.

    "You know," he sighed, "some gifts are not worth accepting."

    A single tear streaked his face.

    It would be the first of many tears in the coming days.
    Under the burning sun
    I take a look around
    Imagine if this all came down
    I'm waiting for the day to come.

  3. #13
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
    GP
    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

    View Profile
    Overall, solid quest. Sorry that you had to go it alone, though that didn't necessarily hurt you. Commentary will be limited in the actual judgment, but as always I'm happy to share my notes with you if you are concerned with your score.

    The quest started out slowly. You didn't really hook the reader until Alkor's encounter with Pode. Before then, your character introductions, pacing and clarity was poor. Don't assume people read your profiles. When you bunnied dialouge in the beginning and used pronouns to describe party members, I had no idea to whom you were referring. Also, choose one proper name for your character or the other. You didn't see J.K. Rowling changing from using "Harry" to "Potter" in prose like you did with "Alkor" and "Kiljack." Storywise, it was clear Alkor was skeptical of the true identity of Elissa, so I was somewhat surprised you went on and on about your character's life story with an illusion.

    Strengths were setting (the forest came alive in your posts, and I could feel the ominous magic coursing through your writing), dialouge (probably your best category, though I limited the score due to clarity) and mechanics (for the most part you were mechanically sound except for a few tense changes - from active to passive tenses).

    Judgment

    Group 1 (Alkor)

    Story - 6
    Setting - 6
    Pacing - 5
    Communication - 7
    Action - 6
    Persona - 6
    Mechanics - 7
    Technique - 6
    Clarity - 5
    Wildcard - 7 (For going it alone but still including other characters)

    Total - 62/100

    Alkor receives 907 EXP and 124 GP.
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  4. #14
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next level: 1,347
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,347
    GP
    2,685
    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

    View Profile
    EXP & GP Added!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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