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Thread: Round 1 Group 8

  1. #21
    Member
    EXP: 4,856, Level: 2
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 144
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 144
    GP
    154
    Erirag the Poet's Avatar

    Name
    Erirag the Poet
    Age
    37
    Race
    Orc
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brown, streaked with red like the barren fields of battles past
    Eye Color
    A dirty amber; the color of the liquor best drank from a skull.
    Build
    7' 1" // 323 lbs
    Job
    Bard

    Later she would feel foolish for feeling such fear. Ciato Orlouge was far smaller than she, heads shorter and slim enough that she could crush him between her breasts if she felt like it. Still, he had eluded death before her eyes twice now, and cut her down as if she were simply a passive oak. Now his eyes were staring her down, red and unyielding like the mist that had taken over the land. The orc swallowed hard and steeled herself. There was only one remedy for fear, she knew. She needed to find the iron in her blood and use it to clad herself against her own emotions. Reaching over her shoulder with bruised and bloodied fingers, she grasped her lute and brought it forward. Her thick fingers strummed the strings and a disjointed melody played in the air. The thrall jerked, as if the sound made him angrier. She wanted to grit her teeth and run again, but instead the poet began to sing.

    “Erirag nar zo, baj Erirag rau.” She sang of rebirth, and a plea to the heavens. “Nar vrapar, Erirag za lat.”

    Something felt strange as the words left her lips. Around her fingers the mist lingered and almost felt as if it were thick and alive. As the last note she played faded, a light from above the foliage flashed. An orb, hot and bright, came crashing through branches and landed right between the orc and the puppet. Almost as if she had been grabbed by an invisible hand, Erirag was jerked forward. So was the thrall. They met in the middle, with Erirag stunned at what had happened, her lute Thingur falling to the grass. The thrall of Ciato, however, was no longer human with such emotions as surprise. It was ready and it struck.

    --~~--

    Erirag jerked to waking in her tent. The sudden difference of day from night was jarring and at first she didn’t feel the pain. It was only when she moved to swing herself off her cot that the blinding jerk of wrecked flesh pulled her into the present. Her leg was a mess of blood, dried and dark and fresh and bright, welling to the surface and running down green skin. She choked out a hiss, wiping at her mouth. Why was it wet? What had happened? There was too much confusion. Instead of answering them, Erirag set to the task of cleaning her leg. The last thing she needed was for infection to set in, and who knows how long her flesh had been open to the air of the camp. As she scrubbed and wrapped the thigh, the bandage spotted brightly with blood along the line of the cuts. Soon she was looking at a familiar insignia – the “C. O.” inscribed into her flesh matched well the scars on her torso. Ciato had been to visit. Her mind worked over her waking moments. The water on her lips had dried, but still she scrubbed at them with her knuckles, pressing hard enough to make her tusks ache along her jaw. He’d violated her in her sleep, been in like a thief in the night. Had he been behind the red mist and her visions as well?

    Rage bubbled up and she destroyed the tent as she stormed out, bringing down the walls and poles much as she had in the vision. Men shrinked away from her as she ravaged through the camp, crawling away from her as she barreled out towards the woods with a limp to her gait. She was angrier than she’d ever known, and she wanted answers. Who was the elf she’d seen? Had she cast a spell with her song? Mostly, she was determined to murder Ciato Orlouge as many times as it took to keep him dead.
    -0-
    The Rest is Still Unwritten
    Uk Pral Nar Shofat


  2. #22
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
    GP
    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

    View Profile
    As always, this is a tournament so commentary is limited. If you have any concerns about your score, please contact me and I'll be happy to share individual notes.

    This was a well rounded quest; however, the sense of urgency that you attempted to display following the false climax never really sunk in. I admire the attempt though, as it was the first I've read in the tournament so far. Overall, the battle reminded me of my Diablo III game last night, with our heroes being overwhelmed by thralls in the Cemetery of the Forsaken. The dream sequence was a predictable, but pleasant twist. Storywise, your strength was pacing. With the exception of Lloyd's posts, your combined efforts pushed along the story at a nice pace. Despite it's length, your quest was an easy read.

    In terms of character, I admired the banter between Ciato and Erriag. Ciato's "death" at the hands of the orc was gruesome and awesome. Several of Vincent's oneliners, especially his simile about otter piss literally made me laugh out loud. Action was also fine. You quickly dispatched NPCs without being overly detailed or harmfully vague. Beyond that though, persona was a missed opportunity. The relationship between Ciato and Lloyd was an afterthought. While I appreciated Lloyd's attempted character growth in the last post, it was too little too late. The majority of the thread was spent with Lloyd out doing is own thing without much regard for others. Similarly, the budding relationship between Vincent and Ciato was too abrupt and forced. Frankly, I was surprised when Ciato sought out Vincent first after he awoke. I was shocked when he went after Erirag next. Erirag remained true to her character, though.

    Writing was the biggest weakness. I notice multiple spelling errors, omitted words, replaced words, grammar errors and usage errors. Cards, you have an issue with run-on sentences. If you change subjects in the middle of a sentence, you either need to create a new sentence or use a semi-colon. Similarly Lloyd, you need to add commas when there are natural breaks in the writing. Ultimately, these run-ons (all were guilty at one point or another) hurt your clarity scores, because I found myself consistently having to go back and re-read items to clarify their meanings. Also, I did not like how Erirag advanced time in one of her posts (referencing a playwright), then both Cards and Ciato went back in time to fill in the gaps. Given that the rest of this thread was written actively, this passive writing was a distraction. Ciato, you did the subject of a subject thing that I absolutely hate with the line, "Soft footsteps made their way towards the tent..."

    Judgment Group 8 (Ciato Orlouge, Cards of Fate, Erirag the Poet and Lloyd)

    Story - 5
    Setting - 5
    Pacing - 6
    Communication - 5
    Action - 6
    Persona - 5
    Mechanics - 5
    Technique - 5
    Clarity - 4
    Wildcard - 5

    Total = 51/100

    Cards of Fate receives 438 EXP and 51 GP
    Ciato Orlouge receives 471 EXP and 51 GP
    Lloyd receives 370 EXP and 51 GP
    Erirag the Poet receives 404 EXP and 51 GP
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  3. #23
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next level: 1,347
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,347
    GP
    2,685
    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

    View Profile
    EXP & GP Added!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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