Try the Priest

[Cards of Fate]

As Joseph went below to hunt down the killer, Vincent entered the room the man he had just killed had entered from. His silver eyes quickly scanned his surroundings as he entered, finding nothing but a large table that seemed to have been used for assembling pies for the oven. To his left a set of stairs went upstairs and his right was another door. The scholar strode across the room and kicked open the door to find a sleeping grunt on...the toilet. The bearded man jerked awake and found the scholar stabbing his blade through his throat. He let out a gurgle and spasmed, spitting up blood as the thrashed.

The scholar wiped his blade clean on the man’s shirt and then ascended the stairs which he found led to the attic. He paused as he glanced around at chest after chest, frowning he kicked one open to find a pile of...bones. “Fuck me…” he growled as he descended. The bakery seemed to be clear of goons, and he decided to head into the basement to assist his comrade.

He opened to door and found Joseph unconscious and bleeding on the stairs. “Well then,” he muttered bending over to pick the bleeding assassin up. “Let’s gets you back to Anvil so he can stitch you up…” he muttered as he glanced over the dead butcher. “Good first kill though, exactly as Leona said it would go…”

[redrout]

Joseph woke slowly, feeling first the mattress beneath him, then the ache in his side, then the piercing pain above it, signs that he was at least alive. He opened his eyes, attempting to sit up, and pain exploded from his ribs, causing him to gasp, which only made it worse. He turned painfully until his bare feet touched cool wood floor panels, and reached his left hand across to feel a bandage covering the wound Toby had given him. He stood, feeling the bruise from the butcher’s kick more than the torn flesh under the bandage as he breathed. He stood up, hunched over to his right so as to not stretch his ribs and looked around for the rest of his clothes, noticing that he had nothing on, save his knee-length breeches. He put a shirt on, painfully, and shuffled to the stairs. It wasn’t the closest he’d ever come to dying, but the pain in his side, coupled with the number of people Toby had killed before him, told him it was damn close.

He walked out the door, slowly taking more normal steps as his initial soreness wore off, yielding more of an ache in it’s place and a sharp stinging if he turned his torso. There was a commotion going on that grew louder as he descended the stairs, and opened the door that was behind the bar of Anvil’s tavern. The door opened to reveal a chorus of shouts for refills and calls for new flagons of so many patrons that Joseph could scarcely believe that there were that many people in the town at all. Anvil was busy walking to and fro with a large pitcher full of what he assumed to be beer. He glanced Joseph’s way and did a double-take, then swiftly coming back to the bar.

“Good to see ya well, lad!” he exclaimed, thankfully clapping Joseph on his good shoulder, setting the sizable pitcher under a spigot. “Vince was worried for ye something fierce, I’ll tell ya that! Though ever since ye killed that mad piemaker, business has been booming!” he had to yell over the crowd. “He’s over there.” He gestured with the pitcher toward the far end of the bar where Vince had just laid down a whole cooked chicken.

Among the foodstuffs being consumed, nearly all were whole animals of some kind, mostly chickens. Seems people want to know what they’re eating now, I suppose; Joseph thought as Vince walked back to the bar. He set down his tray, grabbing his cane from the shelf under the bar. "We stitched you up as best we could. You think you can travel? I think if Anvil feeds me again I'll break my horse's back when we leave," He said as Joseph chuckled, wincing as he did so. Though they'd only been there a day and a half, and he'd seen Vince eat more than any human ought to have a right to.

Anvil spun round, brandishing a mug of ale at Vince. “And yer lucky I don’t make ye stay another day or two and stuff you fuller than you are!” He muttered to himself as he waded into the crowd again, something about holding Vince’s mouth open and dumping things in. Vince turned again to Joseph expectantly.

“I think I’m well enough,” Joseph said, straightening a bit as if to prove his point. “To be honest, I’d like this whole town behind me, and the sooner the better.”

“That’s the spirit,” Vince said, smirking. He turned and opened the door to the upstairs part of the inn. “Come on, I’ll help you pack.”

[Cards of Fate]

The two had traveled light to Beinost, and their bags were packed and ready to go within a half hour. Most of it was Vincent wandering around making sure he hadn’t left anything anywhere, constantly patting down his purple cloak’s various pockets absentmindedly. When both of their bags were packed the scholar guided his injured companion down to the stables where he helped him up into the saddle.

“Careful,” he chided frowning slightly. “That butcher got you pretty good, if you’re not feeling well while we’re on the road we’ll stop and take a break.” Joseph smiled and nodded as he watched the scholar scramble up onto his gray colt and urged them forward. The ride through town was a loud one, the tense air that had hung over the town seemed to have been banished by the twos actions. People were out and about celebrating the death of the butcher, and the lives of the fallen. There was no time to mourn, only to honor and move forward. Beinost was tired of looking back at it’s past. It was time for it to strive forward and build a new name for itself.

As they exited the town the scholar paused for a moment. “I almost forgot!” he muttered slapping his forehead. “Your reward!” he fished through his coat for a moment and tossed the assassin a large purse. “For services rendered to the Hierarchy.” he said doing a mock bow from his saddle. “I also have something else for you…” this time he reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a large sheathed meat cleaver.

“This had been Toby’s, but I figured it would be better used in your hands. Never know when you might need to hack someone apart.” he grinned as he passed the blade to the rider next to him. Joseph took a moment to unsheath the blade and look it over.

“This is fine steel.” he murmured as he traced the edge with his finger. It was still slightly stained red from the blood of his victims, and something told Joseph that it was there to stay, a constant reminder of the atrocities of the previous owner.

“You know Joseph, Death isn’t always a bad thing my friend.” Vince mused aloud. “Sometimes you get people like Tobias, who wantonly slay the innocent to slate their lust or desires. But then you get people like us, who dispense death to those unworthy of air they breath. Sometimes it’s what the world needs…” he chuckled. “I digress, lets get home and I’ll show you to the best hotsprings you’ll ever encounter. It should be just what the doctor ordered for your injury…”

[Rayleigh]

Hello! I apologize for the delay in getting your judgement to you. I appreciate your patience and understanding!

Thread Title: Try the Priest
Judgment Type:Condensed
Participants: Cards of Fate, redrout

Plot: 13/30

Overall, this was an easy, entertaining read. At Leona’s request, Vincent joined up with the newest member of the Tarot to investigate mysterious disappearances in a small town. The pair did a bit of reconnaissance work with the help of a very likable barkeep. The story climaxed with a thrilling fight, and then was tied up nicely with recovery and the start of the journey home. It is clear to me that you are both very capable of crafting a creative and interesting tale.

With that being said, there were some areas that I felt were lacking. While I was absolutely entertained, I was far from immersed in the story. Opportunities to utilize rich description were missed, robbing the reader of the chance to really experience the story alongside your characters. The setting can also be used to make a story come to life, but it is not enough to merely state it at the beginning of the scene. Constant references back to the setting throughout each post will keep a character’s surroundings from becoming an unchanging canvas. This will also help you avoid list-like writing, in which the character’s actions are listed without enough depth or description; a few posts resorted back to this, especially in the beginning. I can see where Redrout made an effort to counter this, but “show, don’t tell” is a theme that both of you can work to improve on.

Finally, there were a few pacing problems that affected the clarity and overall presentation of your story. Though introductions and scene-setting is important, I felt that the beginning dragged. Emphasis on the bits of action that were present would have helped this (for example, the flipping of Vincent’s chair, the meal that Joseph consumed, etc.). The actual investigation and scheming portion felt rushed. This was a fun ride, but paying close attention to setting and pacing will really improve the reader’s experience.

Character: 18/30

Without a doubt, this area was your strongest. The interactions you incorporated were realistic, and your characters’ decisions made sense.

This was definitely a side of Vincent that I had never seen before. Who knew that the timid, awkward scholar would be so at ease planning an assassination? What I liked best about this thread was the way you adopted this persona without going overboard. Vincent has definitely evolved, but he was far from slashing throats and laughing maniacally. He showed restraint, deciding against taking on the room filled with thugs, and even playing a support role at the end. I did find his murder of the sleeping man on the toilet a bit out of character, but for the most part, you did a nice job of portraying Vincent as a seasoned adventurer who will do whatever Leona asks of him.

I was really impressed by Joseph in this thread. From the beginning, I was given the image of a capable, quirky man who felt a bit uneasy about working with someone else. I especially loved the way you portrayed his hesitation through your writing: “...a quite impressive complex of rooms and hallways that apparently belonged to the ‘Tarot Hierarchy,’ a group of which he was also apparently a member.” One thing I would have liked to have seen from him was a bit more backstory. I know nothing about Joseph except for the short introduction you provided in your first post. A few references to past experiences, which are easy enough to do in character thoughts, would help me feel like I know him a bit better. You portray him as a hardened assassin through his detective work and his combat skills, but you also leave space for reactions that make him more relatable. His surprise and disappointment when Vincent solved the case before he did was spot on, and the blows that he took during his fight made him a more believable character. Well done!

The NPCs in this story were really great. Each had their own unique personalities, and each played an important role in the story. The thought you put into these characters was apparent, especially with Anvil and Tobias. You did a really nice job working in Anvil’s background; I always appreciate a good nod to a past story. I am also very impressed by how formidable an opponent you made Tobias. After making it clear that there had been many a failed attempt on his life, it only made sense for him to go down swinging.

Prose: 12/30

This area was your weakest. Basic mechanics issues included typos, missing and incorrect punctuation, tense changes, and wrong words. I found at least one error of this nature in every post. Things like this are easily caught and corrected with a bit of proofreading before submitting the thread for judging. Had you read over your thread at least once, I am sure that you would have noticed the first post was actually incomplete, probably a mistake when copy/pasting. These issues impacted clarity and the overall experience, as I had to reread numerous times. I would also encourage you to read your posts aloud to yourselves. This will help you locate and correct clunky and run-on sentences. Clarity also suffered a bit due to inconsistent italicization of character thoughts. I mostly saw this issue within Redrout’s posts. In these instances, I struggled to determine if I was still reading Joseph’s thoughts, or if the style had suddenly switched to first-person. In regards to technique, there was nothing that really stood out to me. Though you told an excellent story, the writing itself was fairly plain. Beyond this, both of you demonstrate an understanding of the English language, and I was able to read and understand the story despite its errors.

Wildcard: 5/10

Though I am not familiar with the story of Sweeney Todd, I do think that your use of it was very creative. I am not usually a fan of pop-culture references finding their way to Althanas, but you were able to do so in a way that was not too terribly jarring. A bit more background information on Sweeney Todd, and few more obvious parallels between the two stories would have resulted in a higher score. But I still commend you for your interesting approach.

Final Score: 48/100

Cards of Fate receives 625 EXP and 70 GP
redrout receives 425 EXP and 60 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!