Round 1: Rehtul Orlouge Vs Bank of Hoytti.

[Bank of Hoytti]

Maribel's eyes widened with shock for a split second before they returned to the focused and indifferent expression that she tended to hold. That spit second cost her though as she was hit and sent to the ground. The icy needles froze the area's that they hit. Lucky for her, non hit her chest. However her arms were now numb and her diaphragm's movement was hindered. she had trouble getting breath and was in a state of shock.

However, she knew of one more thing she could do to try to win this fight. Maribel pushed herself from the ground and slowly stood she then straightened her back and walked towards the man. however she stopped and bent down to pick up the pencil that had been discarded earlier. The cold entered her hand but she ignored it has she huffed on the pencil. She then pulled out a bank note, showed it to the man before she put it on the clip board. "How much will it take for you to throw this match Mr. Orlouge?" Maribel asked with a smile, "Name your price and I will give it to you. After all, everyone has a price. Oh, and if gold is not your thing, I'm sure we can come to some other agreement."

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Rehtul watched with no small amount of satisfaction as his attack connected with the woman. He watched her as she calmly stood up and walked forward to pick up her pencil, before placing it in her clipboard. Her next move, however, floored him. His eyes widened ever so slightly as she made her offer.

His mouth turned upward in a slight smirk as he listened to her speak about buying him out of the tournament. A price to throw away his honor as a member of the Ixian Knights had never even entered his mind. To think that an opponent would be so desperate to win a round in a tournament that they would be willing to pay another combatant to leave the battle in disgrace, it actually made him want to laugh.

He didn’t respond for a moment, letting the woman stew in her own words as he considered the best possible way to rebuff her. He held his arm, cradling the injury, the smirk still present on his face.

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” he finally responded, breaking the silence. His eyes narrowed slightly at the woman, a glare that spoke volumes of his feelings on the matter. To make things even clearer, he began speaking once more. “I’m not prepared to throw away the honor of the Ixian Knights for any price that can be paid by any entity. The Knights are my family, and my honor dictates that I win for them. I’m not in this for myself, but to bring honor to those who I have lived with, fought with, and worked beside for the last few years.” He allowed his response to sink in for a moment before the air around him began to mist again.

“I cannot let down my Uncle, my father, or the Knights I was chosen over to receive this invitation. I refuse,” he said simply. “If you want to win that badly, continue this fight and win through your skill, as all the other combatants are attempting to do. I will not back down from you, but do not insult my loyalty to the organization that I have worked with by thinking that I’m in this for something so petty as gold or lavish gifts of any sort.”

With that little tirade out of his system, he stepped forward slowly toward the woman with a light in his eyes.

“But, let me ask you, what exactly are you fighting for? Is it for your honor, to hone your skills, to prove yourself to someone or to yourself, or is the prize really all you care about? I’m in this to bring prestige to the Ixian Knights Organization, and to improve myself as a warrior so that I can better help the people of this world against those who would use and abuse them. No price is too high for that.”

I’m willing to stake my very existence, my soul on the Knights. Can you same the same for your own goals?

The unspoken question hung in the air between the two people as Rehtul patiently awaited the woman’s response.

[Bank of Hoytti]

For once, the indifferent look left Maribel's face. She was confused and furious at the same time. She had just offered this man money, and he had refused. Refused, as if money meant nothing to him. 'Then again, he is an Orlouge,' She thought with a sigh as she clipped the pencil back onto the board. "he is probably is rolling in the stuff.'

Maribel then walked slowly towards him as she said, "You know, I find it interesting, the belief in honor. No one actually knows what honor is. Some people believe you get honor in a fair battle, others believe that waiting till you get married to do the deed is honorable, and some believe that helping others is honorable. All these and more dictates honor in one place or another. Yet no one can agree on what makes true honor. So no, I don't fight for honor."

Maribel continued on her trek towards the Orlouge as she said,"To hone my skills… a little, I still need to work on my fighting style as you can plainly see." She looked down to her hand to indicate what she meant. "However, honing my skills is a side effect for what I am doing, it is not the reason that I joined this tournament."

"To prove myself to someone?" she laughed with a bark, "No, I have no one to prove myself too, especially not myself, I already know that I am not a very capable fighter. However, you did prove to me that I need to find something for a ranged fighter such as yourself, Mr. Orlouge."

"The prize is good Mr. Orlouge, I'll tell you that," Maribel said with a sparkle in her eyes. "But it isn't worth getting hurt over. No non of what you said is the reason for my participation.

She paused there as she tried to catch her breath from the rant she was sent on. "No," She finally said with an edge to her voice, and edge that not many had ever heard from her. "The reason for my fight is because The Great Stained Glass told me to fight. To do whatever it takes to win. To make it to the end of the tournament and win that prize. I don't do it for the money, training, honor, or to prove myself. No I fight because the Great Stained Glass has told me to do it. And if I fail him, I can expect punishment from the heavens upon my return. Something I am not willing to accept!" With that she threw her right fist back and went to punch him in the gut as her left swung the clipboard at his head. She would not loose here. She would not get punished because the man before her would not back down. She would win this fight and would rather die than to return empty handed.

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Rehtul listened politely to the woman’s responses, and then frowned. She was participating in this tournament out of some kind of fear of divine retribution? That made no sense. What gods on Althanas even cared if one of their favored won in some silly tournament hosted by mortals, for mortals? Unless that god desired something like gold, there was definitely nothing that made sense, and there were hundreds, thousands of ways, to build a base of cash without having to put a loyal servant in harm’s way like that.

Of course, the woman immediately got back into the fight, but Rehtul held up his left arm and shook his head, a globe of glass-like magic surrounding him as her fist and clipboard both swung toward him, one toward his gut, the other toward his head. Normally, the Mystic Protection would be easily able to deflect either blow, but both of them coming in tandem shook the magic to the core, causing cracks to appear along its fragile surface. The young ice mage smiled at the woman, she who feared something known only as “the stained glass.”

As the cracks continued to form across his magical shield, looking more and more like a large spider web, he looked at her with eyes full of pity, the first non-combative emotion he had felt for the woman since their initial meeting.

“You think no one truly knows what honor is? It’s actually quite simple,” he said as a few shards dropped off of his protection and disintegrated into the air around him. “Honor is what you make of it, it is keeping your word, but more than anything else...”

Another set of chips fell off of his shield and disappeared into the air around him, the tinkling of breaking glass echoing through the field of battle as the air itself seemed to stand still.

“Honor is that emotion, that indefinable quality about one’s self that makes them feel worthy of the love and respect of others. It is...” The glass finally shattered and broke into every possible direction before spinning above the young Orlouge with gusto as he finally finished his protected speech.

“...that quality of yourself that defines your self-worth!”

He stretched his hand out and the shards gathered between him and the woman who had just made the mistake of attacking a Mystic who had yet to release his Mystic Protection for even the first time. The shards flew at her. The sharp glass-like shards were generally non-fatal, but it would be painful. He jumped back, landing on both feet and his one good hand, wincing in pain from the whiplash of his other arm.

“I understand that. Honor is different for all sorts of people, Maribel. One’s self worth is purely subjective, based on that person’s ideals. It is different for each person because each person prizes and desires different things for themselves.” The last sentence came out barely as a whisper, but he was certain the woman would be able to hear him.

“That is honor,” he said simply.

[Bank of Hoytti]

Maribel's face turned to one of horror as she saw the cracks. 'No!" she thought as she brought her arms up to cover her face. The glass shards rammed into her and cut her hands, hair, and parts of her face. she flew backwards from the force and landed on her back. After a few seconds she looked at the shards in her hands and screamed.

"No! What have I done!" She yelled out. "The Great Stained Glass will not be pleased, I destroyed one of his children. I must repent, I must beg forgiveness, I must build ten of his children to replace the one I destroyed. I must get started! But if I leave I automatically fail and retribution will still come. What am I to do, what am I to do?" She then looked at the Orlouge. "You, you made me break the child of the Great Stained Glass! I shall beat you and then I shall begin to build ten new children of the Great Stained Glass! Hopefully then the Great Stained Glass can forgive me!" She then charged at the Orlouge with a righteous furry. She would pummel him till he was black and blue and couldn't tell the earth from the sky. She would win this tournament and then get back into the good graces of the Great Stained Glass. 'This I swear!'

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Of course, he should have seen it coming. The woman was obsessed with some kind of stained glass god. Why wouldn’t she hold everything that appeared to be made of glass sacred? He sighed as the woman approached him, her eyes ablaze with fury. He motioned with a single hand and all of the remaining shards of his protection disappeared into the air. It had only been a few minutes since the two of them had started fighting, but he was beginning to quickly tire of this little back and forth.

As the woman continued to approach him, he turned away from her, tossing his cape back over his shoulders and started to run in the other direction.

“This is going nowhere in a hurry, but if you insist on letting your blind rage get the better of you...” he said, as he ran away from her. Behind him, the entire wooden walkway began to ice over, the ice spreading and smoothing out as slick as glass. If she looked down, she would be able to see the reflection of his retreating figure as he continued to sprint. He then stopped short and turned around, his eyes cold and focused, a man who had finally had enough.

“You are driven by fear,” he said, his voice dripping venom. He reached his left hand out over the frozen wood beneath the two. “You want to stay in the good graces of this Great Stained Glass or whatever you call it, even calling a spell that mimics glass the child of this deity. It’s laughable, and a little bit sad.”

He slammed his fingers shut into a fist and frowned as the ice on the walkway gathered in on itself and erupted out as spikes in random directions, an effort to prevent the woman from being able to effectively intuit and evade their blows. Rehtul had set the trap and sprung it, now was the time to see if the woman had even the slightest ability to still remain logical.

“If you cannot control yourself, you will never win this fight,” he said simply. He did a quick inner inventory and determined that he had enough power remaining to end this.

I have more control now than I ever did. I’m glad I don’t have the same limits on my power as I did a couple of years ago. I wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer if I did. This training really did pay off.

[Bank of Hoytti]

Maribel ran forward as quickly as she could. However, she didn't notice the spikes until it was too late. She ran right into them and got herself impaled. Her blood dripped down the icy spikes and pooled on the floor where they froze. Her body began to freeze as she slid down the spikes before she finally laid flat on the floor. Rage still laced through her face as she gave her last breath. She was dead, frozen in place by the extremely cold spikes that took her life. She failed.

Bank Ownership Activated - 5% increase to the normal amount of money this thread

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Rehtul watched as the woman ran heedlessly into the trap he set with a scowl. He watched as she skewered herself on several of the tall spikes that had erupted from the ground and stood there for a moment, looking at the woman’s body with naked disgust. With a wave of his hand, the ice holding her up above the walkway melted.

“I can’t believe you’d let something like blind fear defeat you in such a way. I left behind plenty of clues that I was planning something, yet you,” he said, before sighing and turning on his heel. He walked toward the magical door now floating above the walkway behind him. He then turned around toward the woman once more, now on the ground in a pool of water and blood.

“You ignored the trap and ran heedlessly toward your own death,” he said, before stopping. He fished his comb out of his robes once more and fixed his hair, which had fallen around his face in disarray. He would want to look his best once he left this arena, after all.

Something had happened to him during the course of that fight. He’d never been one to react so violently to most situations, but something about this woman, this woman who had completely snapped when she attacked his Mystic Protection, brought out an irritation and anger that he had not known existed.

“I wonder what that was,” he muttered to himself as he beheld the dead form before him. He had only reacted that way after hearing her rant about the Great Stained Glass, but something didn’t sit right with him. He’d never been one to allow his emotions to best him. How could something so unimportant, at least in his eyes, possibly cause such a violent reaction?

“Maybe it’s my dislike of fear that caused it,” he said, shrugging.

A rough chuckle escaped his lips before he touched the magical door and disappeared into the ether. Some mysteries would just have to wait for another day. Right now, he had more important things to worry about, like getting his arm seen about. There may have been something fishy going on, but the added pain of his arm wouldn’t do anything to help the situation as he thought about possible answers.

[Lye]

Thread is Closed to be judged shortly.

[Tobias Stalt]

Alright, sorry for the delay. This will be my first judgment for the Serenti, so please feel free to PM me with questions or further insight into my judgment, or thoughts on your thread. If you feel a specific area of your writing needs improvement and you have questions specific to that area, don't hesitate to ask for me to go over it with you.

To business.

Rehtul Orlogue-

Story: 6- It was simple to understand why Rehtul was in the Serenti, his qualms with different issues (from something as small as killing flowers to more glaring issues, like ending his opponent's life), all the way down to how he approached each action. It moved well from post to post- which I'll touch on with the Pacing- ultimately, Rehtul's half of this thread leaves the reader with several unanswered questions. This is not necessarily bad, of course.

Setting: 5- You certainly did refer back to the setting, and told the reader about different things Rehtul saw and felt, how he experienced them- but it certainly did not make or break the writing. Use your surroundings, and let them use you. The world is just as much a part of your writing as your character.

Pacing: 5- Things transitioned moderately well between posts, and you can see building growth in Rethul as you write through the thread. You may find that, in future threads, building a strong story with your opponent and working off what they give you will enhance your story. That isn't always the case, of course.

Action: 5- Your attacks, the way you melt the ice, and how you speak about the various aspects of gore evoke the senses, but your language sometimes downplays the more "fantastic" pieces of writing. For instance, as he walked along the platform toward the exit- if your floor is Ethereal, feel free to tell a reader how their footsteps displace it, or how the light beneath his feet seemed to "shudder." The trick with this is to assure you don't make it super flowery, but still illicit the imagery that denotes it as surreal. Try new things, and enjoy it!

Communication: 7- Rehtul's back and forth with Maribel reveals different things about his character, in a way that fully grasps the proper use of communication to convey personality. This may be the strongest area for you, though there is room for improvement. Nonverbal cues are just as important, as well as things that he chooses to leave unsaid. Sometimes the most powerful idea a character can convey is the one they show with actions, not words. If instead of cursing Maribel's dead body, he had sneered, or even spat at it, the feeling of enmity would have grown exponentially.

Persona: 6- Toward the end, the reader could practically feel Rehtul's rage- though it raised some questions as to where the rage came from. While it is exemplary to show the character is affected, and how, continuity begs that you keep the reader in the know. And not, "because of x, this," show us the build up. Show the reader why your rage builds. Make us hate the object of your ire, too. We want to feel what you feel.

Mechanics: 5- "Something had happened to him during the course of that fight. He’d never been one to react so violently to most situations, but something about this woman, this woman who had completely snapped when she attacked his Mystic Protection, brought out an irritation and anger that he had not known existed." This is two sentences. The latter is a run on. Be sure to split up sentences to avoid this. If you have more than two or three (at the very most) clauses, it probably needs to be broken down.

Clarity: 5- The way the thread progressed, your characters motivations and actions were clean and concise. What drove this score down was the end for this reader. Why would an otherwise cool and collected ice mage feel such seething rage? What about the woman drove him to those levels of anger? The lack of true explanation made the transition weaker, but not enough to affect the pacing.

Technique: 6- Fairly solid, your use of description strengthens your prose and the imagery makes it generally easy to follow what is going on. As stated previously, you could stand to use slightly better descriptors in places, but overall, you have a firm grasp of literary illustration. You might benefit from mingling in some short, punctuating sentences to offset the longer, more daunting ones.

You said that she ran heedlessly in your dialogue, as well as in your narrative. It doesn't drive the point home to have the character point out what you made obvious. As stated above, you didn't have to say anything. She died, and you live on. The most powerful statement of all, in war and in life, is that those who live on tell the story. Those who fall are forgotten. Repetition can be used to great effect, if you use it properly. Be wary of it, however.

Wildcard: 3- Ultimately, I felt the reason for Rehtul being there was a bit weak (if he thought his any of the other Ixians would have been better suited, why not give up the invitation to one of them?) but you made up for it with deep, complex characterization and thoughtful posts that enticed more than just a battle. For me, a character who asks questions is far more compelling than one who simply acts. Therefore, I'm giving slightly more wildcard points to you, here.

Bank of Hoytii-

Story: 4- This reader had a difficult time following what went down between posts. Some of your writing went slow, then quickly jerked to another, unexplained action or bit of reasoning. You want to move seamlessly between ideas, and build between one idea and the next. If you enter in your first post, and your opponent enters after you- take notice of that, see what's going on around you. Comment on it, or show that your character notices, even if they don't actively show it. Every interaction is a chance to build your character, as well as the story. Don't miss out on the little things- there are writers who use the smallest bits of information to shatter a reader's world. And you hate those people at first, but eventually you realize, they're the sneakiest, most innovative writers of all.

Setting: 2- Really, Maribel enters, then fights and ultimately dies. The fact that she does so in a place is a backdrop to the actual happenings. It felt like she had almost no interest in the area, and by extension, you neglected it as a writer. Don't! As I said to Rehtul, the setting is just as valuable to the writer as their character. After all, without a world, where are yoh writing?

Pacing: 3 Jarring back and forth between ideas, the reader feels at a loss at times. You go from fighting, to not wanting to fight, so far as to attempt bribing Rehtul to throw the match. The idiosyncratic nature of the writing made it difficult to follow and almost rendered the character nonsensical. My advice is to settle on her personality once and for all, and be certain to adhere to whatever you decide. If she's a fighter, fight- if she's more subtle, go with bribery, but don't have her go headlong into a battle like Serenti, where it makes no logical sense for her to participate- and expect her to fight on par with the combat monkeys. Stick with what your character does best, and you'll find that it helps you do much better.

Action: 4- Where Maribel grabs the blade and thinks, "man, that's cold!" You could have done more without the thought, and perhaps just shown how her hand shivered, or she quickly let go, or any sort of nonverbal response. This would have been much stronger from a reader's perspective. Action is the fine use of words to convey your ideas. Keep that in mind. Go with the concept that using a character's thought process should be your last line of defense, when all else fails and your narrative cannot feasibly convey what you're trying to present.

Communication: 4- This was a clear weakness. Sometimes, the things people in general say don't make sense (a trait particularly common of religious zealots, as I believe is the case here.) That doesn't mean it's good to fall back on. You can portray a character as such to evoke a cryptic tone, but you don't want to have the character a reader is following continually make no sense. It breaks the reader away and makes them want to move on from that character. If you're going to bring your god/goddess/spirit up in casual conversation, you've got to present a clear reason why they are so endeared to you, and you absolutely need the reader to relate. Every aspect of writing somehow entwines with the others.

Persona: 4- The reader can see toward the end why Maribel is competing, though it could do with further explanation. Her rage is founded in something, at least. Mostly, her bribe came a bit late and heavy handed, and would have made more sense if she started with it, then begrudgingly fought- or even conceded defeat. Maribel strikes the reader as the sort who would deceive an opponent in order to wait for an opening to exploit. Any number of possibilities would have given deeper insight into her as a character. Be sure not to neglect that aspect of your writing.

Mechanics: 5 Mostly, repetitive structure and weak prose (for instance, the last sentence- "she failed." If you had made that a paragraph alone, it would have been haunting. It would have had a much larger impact.) bogged down what stood to be a very interesting character concept. Check out some new sentence structures and find new ways to convey ideas; let me see if I can work some magic for you.

Maribel ran forward as quickly as she could. However, she didn't notice the spikes until it was too late. She ran right into them and got herself impaled. Her blood dripped down the icy spikes and pooled on the floor where they froze. Her body began to freeze as she slid down the spikes before she finally laid flat on the floor. Rage still laced through her face as she gave her last breath. She was dead, frozen in place by the extremely cold spikes that took her life. She failed.

Becomes

Maribel hurried forward, but by the time she noticed the spikes, it was too late. A panicked scream tore from her lips as they ripped far too easily through her fragile form. Steam and crimson sloughed from the freshly opened wounds as her impaled body quickly paled, the heat ebbing away from her body, though her eyes still stared wide into the distance. Death accepted her before she had time to return the kindness.

She had failed.

Or something like that.

Clarity: 2- There were pieces of this thread that made absolutely no sense. When you brought up the Great Stained Glass, the reader had this gigantic question mark drawn comedically over their head. If you use an idea in your writing, explain it. Or at least, explain how it relates to what you're talking about. Without context, things get lost in translation.

Technique: 4- Your writing still has a ways to go, but it shows that you're picking up new ideas. Keep testing things until you find an expanded comfort zone. A reader can still see shades of repetition in your sentence structures and it waters down the intended message at times. If you intend to drive a point home, use a full paragraph, but don't say the same thing twice. Target the reader's emotions, and drive a sword into their heart- proverbially, of course.

Wildcard: 2- Alright. To be a bit blunt, I'm confused about several things. What in God's name is the Great Stained Glass, and what has it got to do with the thread other than being an impetus for her going on with the tournament? I felt like she acted in a total void, in terms of purpose, and had no real pressing reason for competing. The character concept is interesting, but the lack of substance is equally and oppositionally jarring. In terms of character, you need to work on giving the reader just enough so that they're not lost, but still asking questions and enticed to learn more. Find the balance between what they need to know, and what they do not.

Final Score: 53 to 34

Rehtul Orlogue moves on to Round 2! Congratulations!
Bank of Hoytii is eliminated. Better luck next time!

Rehtul Orlogue gains 1,000 EXP and 150 GP

Bank of Hoytii gains 200 EXP and 55 GP. (Factoring GP gain from ability.)