Round 1: Less Careful Vs Philomel

[Philomel]

"For after all the winter god,
He was present there,
And he had their hearts
Caught forever in his frozen snare."

Not a far distance away Veridian fell. The spear had almost ripped through the opposite side of his weighty body, after stabbing past muscle, his stomach and shattering the back ribs. Blood seeped out, congealed, and then vapourised as it met the natural fire. Flame-proof fur crept back to allow the meatiness to meet the air. It singed, broiled in the heat of the beast that habited inside of Veridian, a creature who had walked the earth in the beginnings of time.

As he fell, the spear was raised. As he collapsed, Philomel's hooves that thundered like the mountain itself, ceased in their rythym. Time seemed to slow as he lifted his eyes up to the heavens, his heart unsteadily beating as it tried to heal him, then fail as more internal injuries occurred in his body. The skies began to blacken as the heart of the ugly mountain, the thing that had been rumbling and roaring this entire time began to shake. Its summit burst open like a flower in bloom as Philomel couldn't predict the spike.

Enertia, anger and hate filled, she ran straight into it. The very sharpest tip snapped off as it met her rocky formed armour, and those rocks fell to the earth, but Veridian was still in pain. Veridian was still dying, the mountain was screaming out, endless noise was ringing in her ears as she kept going, going, going.

Further and farther. He was not dead yet. He was holding on for dear life, trying to give her the best chance as nature exploded around them, the very crust of their arena began to break up and the world - this made world ...

Energy and furious hate kept her going. Without a second to think, for she would die otherwise in the molten stone, she did as the villain might not expect, and shoved herself, her own body closer to him, letting the spike, now blunted but still thin, to slice an ugly depth through her body. Three and a half feet long it provided the size for her to keep going. With the speed and agility of a faun made in a whorehouse, raised in a whorehouse, reigning in a whorehouse, she let herself be stabbed, and then stabbed the man. She sliced, swept the blade, and then headbutted him as her skin and side were pierced. Mirroring her beloved. The stab would be aimed at his belly, the headbutt at his temples, and it would shatter his skull entirely with the last pieces of magic that Veridian could provide her as life left him.

So little time. It occurred in a matter of moments, but moments was all they needed for them both to be pierced on each other's weapons. Standing there, bleeding and dying, she stared at the dark-eyed man, watching the life ebb away from him as edged away from existence herself. Having pierced herself.

There had been no real other choice. Hatred and vile disgust had driven her insane, and something inside of him ... those last moments, had he delighted in it? What even was his name?

She would never know. As his eyes slid closed, so did hers. And in her mind a tune began to play as they all became corpses, drowning in the lava. She began to murmur. A song from her childhood that her mother used to sing to her, about a girl and her beloved dog on a snowy mountain top, who died from frostbite.

A mountain top like this one, full of ice and full of death.

"Under the peaceful dawnlight,
Treads a maiden fair,
Frozen tears adorn her cheeks
And snow falls in her hair ..."

End of battle. All bunnying in this final few scenes approved.

[Lye]

Thread is Closed to be judged shortly.

[Tobias Stalt]

Philomel

Story: 3- The reason for Philomel being in this fight is never made completely clear. We see a lengthy opening that describes where she is, the things going on around her, and the character herself. From the third post onward, the fight takes precedence, and the story itself never really comes to light. There is no impetus.

Setting: 6- In contrast to the story element, you are descriptive of your environment and character. Be careful not to overindulge in sensory writing, and to give ample attention to other aspects as well. You have a talent for evoking the senses- hone that, and use it to sharpen other parts of your writing, too.

Pacing: 5- most prominently, the ending. The biggest qualm in this thread is how abruptly it came, and with such little pretense. Yes, the build was strong, but it left a strange sense of flatness. She just died, frozen to death on top of a mountain? As a reader, I am left with many questions.

Action: 5- Some of your actions were heavy handed, but nothing damning. As with setting, be careful about being too descriptive of what you're doing. In the instance of action, sometimes, less is more.

Communication: 5- the back and forth between Philomel and Veridian gives insight into why they do certain things, but the lack of overall communication in the thread makes this score significantly lower than it could be.

Persona: 5- The reader gets a sense that Philomel is more confused than anything else. She is disrupted by Crispen and follows his lead for the rest of the battle, even so far as to become reactive. Her worry and regard for Veridian and her empathy toward him, as well as their shared pain, are noteworthy, but her own emotions are less visible from the surface.

Mechanics: 4- Toward the beginning, an excessive use of commas causes the writing to come across choppy and weakens the flow. Example: "Inside him, also, the partial spirit of the fire-whisp, the Behemoth, fluttered, giving him a warmth with which to dance and scurry by her feet."

Technique: 4- Purple Prose. "With a grimacing expression, eyes disliking the snowfall and the steep mountain slope, Maverik the elf warrior had handed over her cloak." The second clause here states that her "eyes dislike the snowfall..." but eyes don't dislike things. Also, " Like a bee to succulent pollen or a lover to an atrocious whore, rocks flew out of the ground, mirroring the very mountain that was rumbling beneath them, some of them bursting right out of the snow." You already used one simile here, doubling up and then adding a metaphor is overkill. A good use of literary device carries its own, weighty voice.

Clarity: 4- I'm not entirely sure why Philomel died when Veridian did, to be blunt. She could easily have left once her opponent was dead. The writing doesn't give a strong sense of "why," so you may benefit by giving the reader just a bit more information when you're writing. Show don't tell, yes, but don't throw them in with no road map.

Wildcard: 3- I have watched your writing for a while now, and it may be that you've been distracted lately, but this battle wasn't your best. Despite that, you manage to roll well with the punches and wrote a strong finish.

Less Careful

Story: 8- Almost immediately, the reader understands where your character has been, and what he intends to do. Serenti is a means for him to prove himself, but more than that, it validates for him the single last chance he has to do so. There is more than a tournament at stake. This is an pivotal moment in his story, and thus, a reader is more enticed. You make the audience follow the character, and you give them emotional investment. This is a difficult feat in competitive writing, as you have to vie against someone else for command in captivating the reader.

You further compound the story with an impetus for his rage: Magic. As a Witch Hunter, you need no greater reason to detest your foe. It became more than "I must win," it evolved into "you must fall." Your dynamic is not simply linear, it snowballs from start to finish. This is an excellent example of what an action writer ought strive for in his plots. Kudos.

Setting: 7- Notes of imagery and immersive use of his surroundings in your writing bring the setting to life, and also make clear that it is more than simply a backdrop against which players dance. When he rolls down the embankment with Veridian, for instance. It wasn't just "damn fox bit me," Cris stumbled and the enviornment itself turned against him.

Pacing: 6- There is a clearly defined beginning, rise, and fall to this thread on your part. Everything in between raged forward like a storm. Perhaps too fast? It felt a bit rushed, though battle tends to happen quickly and feel heated- you could have drawn out just a bit more and strengthened the hatred he felt for the Faun. To break from objective commentary for a half second, I wanted this to devolve further into a gritty, rip each other apart contest of pure and unabashed enmity. You came wickedly close to that, but both died in a very obscure manner. That may be what really weakened it- the end. It came so abruptly.

Action: 5- Concise, your descriptors and sentences jabbed toward the reader and evoked a strong, direct voice. What weakened it in some places were lengthier sentences that dragged.

As the beast closed on him, he could feel the heat radiating from it, not nearly so hot as its flame implied, and it seemed a shame to ruin his first moment of genuine comfort on this mountainous battlefield.

Take this example. While not mechanically weak, you could have broken it up to greater effect.* "As the beast closed on him, he could feel the heat radiating from it. While not nearly as hot as the flame implied, it seemed a shame to ruin his first moment of genuine comfort on this mountainous battlefield." That subtle break can change the flow, even the way the audience perceives your intended message.

Communication: 5- The few things Cris does say are filled with venom. He speaks more through his actions to this, a number among one of his mortal enemies. The audience gleans something inside him from that, but a real lack of dialogue makes it a weaker category for this particular piece.

Persona: 10- It was a tough call. Giving out 10s is something that rarely gets done on Althanas, and it means every inch of perfection in a category. Not only his grim determination, or his thoughts at the beginning, but the way you got into his mind: down to his words, his movements, and the way he railed against a stronger force. Crispen exhibited rage in a gorgeous way in this battle. Congratulations.

Mechanics: 5- Clear and succinct writing, for the most part, some sentences could have been broken down. See Action.

Technique: 5- None of the prose felt weak, but you could have made it stronger. Description is one of your strengths, a verbose onomatapoetic bit at the end, but be wary of wordiness. If you interject a clause to accentuate what is written, make sure whether or not it is redundant.

Clarity: 5- Your writing flowed easily and smoothly.

Wildcard: 4- Good work. Emotions are arguably my favorite thing to read, and you brought the hatred of a man to life- nonsensical, unbridled, absolute hatred.

44 to 60

Less Careful moves on to the second round! Congratulations!
Philomel is elminated. Good luck next time!

Less Careful gains 2200 Exp and 200 Gold
Philomel gains 400 Exp and 50 Gold