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Thread: AC Finals: Alyssa Snow

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 12,177, Level: 4
    Level completed: 64%, EXP required for next level: 1,823
    Level completed: 64%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,823
    GP
    305
    Alyssa Snow's Avatar

    Name
    Alyssa Dianne Snow
    Age
    20
    Race
    Homunculus
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Platinum Blonde
    Eye Color
    Pale Blue-Green
    Build
    5'6"/125lbs
    Job
    Empress of the Tarot Hierarchy

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    Podë howled in pain and clutched the gaping wound with the only hand still free. Globs of blood ruptured forth from Alyssa’s mouth, but her stern gaze never left the witch. This time, Pode’s wounds did not close by mystic haze.

    “What have you done?!” Podë painfully shrieked, her own blood wet on her hands.

    Spilling red from her wound like a river, Alyssa thrust her fist inside the witch’s chest. Podë pulled at Alyssa’s arm but to her shock, the homunculus would not be moved. The teen’s hand delved deep inside, upward, and grazed against a thorned, beating surface. Podë coughed up a spray of red, eyes wide.

    “I take my fate…” Alyssa choked through wet, labored breaths.

    Her fingers wrapped around the witch’s heart.

    “Don’t!” Podë begged.

    Alyssa squeezed, the thorns digging into her flesh and heart beating faster. She looked down upon the woman some may call a god and felt Podë’s power drain through her grip like a siphon. Unlike those that sought to harness the woman’s power, Alyssa felt it drawn in, destroyed, and scattered to the wind. The more her grasp denied the Forgotten's might, the more Podë’s heart yielded in her fingers.

    “And in these hands... I'll make it my own,” Alyssa coughed.

    “Stop! Please!”

    And the battered martyr’s fist clasped shut.

    Alyssa struggled to understand the next few moments. Podë, one of the legendary five to shatter the Eternal Tap, ended in the palm of her hands. Outward, the manifestation - the raw essence - of the Forgotten One ruptured in a flash, flurry, and explosion of scarlet power. The roaring pyroclasm around them extinguished into darkness and banished its thick, choking smoke from existence. Locked doors splintered and burst open down the Tarot’s halls. Podë’s violent shrieking dominated over all as piece by piece, her body broke off to the spiraling gale like ash. Her arm cracked like glass and shattered. From her suspension, Alyssa crumpled to the blackened earth yet managed to keep her eyes on the witch. Just a head, her blonde wisps turned black as the void, her eyes hollowed, and the harrowing screams broke into an echo on the wind.

    Podë, The Red Witch, was no more.

    A long deserved silence fell on the scorched grove. The homunculus laid amongst the char, eyes upward, and she gurgled a long sigh of relief. The mysterious power no longer animated her limbs and gave her strength. Alyssa struggled, but managed to raise her hand to cover the gaping wounds in her chest and abdomen.

    A faint attempt at a laugh escaped her pale lips.

    “It’s over…”

    Then, her crystalline eyes glossed over and welled with tears. She knew what was next.

    “Vince… Blue…”

    The girl choked and sputtered on her own visceral fluids before calming herself in short, shallow breaths.

    “Tobias…”

    Alyssa winced, her body coiling upon its self. Her mouth gaped for air, but only scarlet spilled forth. Her muscles relaxed and granted her reprieve. A sense of peace possessed her, and Alyssa’s head fell to the side. She closed her eyes and let a final tear fall from her youthful lashes.

    She too, joined the silence of the grove.

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 12,177, Level: 4
    Level completed: 64%, EXP required for next level: 1,823
    Level completed: 64%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,823
    GP
    305
    Alyssa Snow's Avatar

    Name
    Alyssa Dianne Snow
    Age
    20
    Race
    Homunculus
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Platinum Blonde
    Eye Color
    Pale Blue-Green
    Build
    5'6"/125lbs
    Job
    Empress of the Tarot Hierarchy

    View Profile
    The halls of the House of Cards remained silent as the grave. In the midst of a charred, underground forest, the young homunculus remained motionless. With Podë now a memory, the traces of red not scorched by fire melted away to reveal the hints of green beneath. Red waters trickling quietly through the carnage faded and became the crystal clear stream once more. Ashes drifted in the stagnant air, traces of a banished witch. As they landed against the soil, something pure emerged from the remains of the damned.

    Between the cracked char, sprigs of leafy green pushed through. What would have taken years grew in seconds. Green grass enveloped the blacken soil and spring flowers opened weary petals to the fresh air. Young seedlings and saplings of fallen trees reached upward and bore bright green leaves on springy boughs.

    From the scattered ashes of the vengeful spirit slain, life returned to the land.

    Yet, surrounded by winter white flowers, the young mage gunner remained in her peaceful, eternal sleep.

    Cheep! Chippet!

    A familiar cry echoed down the dark hallway leading to the grove. In its wake, strong footsteps sounded against the stone. Trailing a speckled red, a defiant silhouette of a man reached down to the fallen martyr. His bleeding and scarred arms gently lifted her up, blonde locks falling in waves from Alyssa’s limp body. He turned, and with her in tow, became a shadow once more in the empty, lightless hall.

    - Epilogue -

    “Sir,” spoke an elf of dark skin in pale attire. He held a piece of parchment to another.

    “What is this?” asked the recipient, adjusting his glasses.

    “It’s experiment number three from the S-series…”

    There was silence between them.

    “Project alpha five, gamma fifty five--”

    “I know what you’re referring to. Tell me what it is I’m holding. The data looks incomplete.”

    “Well, sir. Experiment three was glyphed in the early stages to relay data to that parchment should she ever activate the key.”

    “What?! She actually activated it?! Are you certain?!”

    “Yes, if you look here… the data cuts off. She only accessed the first gate, therefore the protocol didn’t finish.”

    More silence separated the two.

    “Professor Xavier?”

    “Where is she now?”

    “We couldn’t do an accurate trace, but we narrowed it down to Lindequalme.”

    “She must have... Podë... Send everyone we can! Send every prototype confirmed for field testing! Find her. I want her back here at whatever cost!”

    “Sir!” The messenger saluted and rushed off leaving a grinning scientist to his incomplete data.

    “I finally found you No. 3…”

    - Fin -

    All Player Characters mentioned were done so after obtaining explicit permission to use their likeness or bunny their actions. Please note the actions of the doubles used above are independent from the actual Player Characters and should not reflect negatively against their standard reputation or personal canon.

  3. #13
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
    GP
    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

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    Judgment

    This was another solid round from you. Overall, I liked the concept of the plot. Having Pode take forms of those whom Alyssa has built relationships with was a recipe for strong character development. That said, I don't think you took full advantage of the opportunity. Never once did I feel, as a reader, that Alyssa was in any peril. Therefore, I was unable to make the connection that you were trying to create with your character. This was compounded (and I think you may have realized this yourself when you had Pode disarm Alyssa for the Cellar sub-battle) by the sheer convenience of Alyssa's spell gun. It made early action somewhat dull and repetitive. To be perfectly honest, your character and communication with Pode herself was so strong that you should have simply left faux Vincent, Rayleigh and Cellar out of the story and focused singly on rejecting Alyssa's biological predisposition. Nature v. nurture, if you will. Your weakest part was the climax/conclusion. I didn't realize exactly what you were doing at the end until I read Cards of Fate's quest. Then I realized that Alyssa was seeing Pode's memories and her own. Moreover, while I know from your profile that Alyssa was created by the Alerarians, I don't particularly understand how she was able to break free of Pode's manipulation from your writing. If you intentionally left this out, a cliffhanger climax and a conclusion lacking an explanation might not have been the best choice for a story based tournament.

    Writing wise you did fine. I only counted a handful of spelling errors (Technically, they were usage errors that Microsoft Word overlooked). You also ended multiple sentences with prepositions. At first I was inclined to overlook this as stylistic, but it became more frequent towards the end so I had to judge accordingly. Clarity was hurt a bit by some confusing use of pronouns. Homunculus, as you should be well aware, means different things to different characters on Althanas. And as tempted as I was, I didn't take away any points for your double subject sentences.

    Alyssa Snow

    Story- 5
    Setting- 6
    Pacing- 6
    Action- 5
    Communication- 6
    Persona- 7
    Mechanics- 7
    Technique- 6
    Clarity- 6
    Wildcard- 5

    Total- 59/100

    Alyssa Snow earns 1124 EXP and 130 GP + a repulsing gem that can be used twice per thread

    You've won 3rd place in the 2015 Adventurer's Crown. Congratulations!
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  4. #14
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
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    Level completed: 88%,
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    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

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    EXP & GP Added!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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