~fin~
~fin~
There is a darkness in you. In all of us, probably. Beasts we keep chained. Ordinary men have to keep the chains strong, for if we let the beast loose then society will turn upon us with fiery vengeance. Kings though...well, who is there to turn upon them? So the chains are made of straw. It is the curse of kings, Helikaon, that they can become monsters. And they invariably do.
Rayleigh is pretty chill. ♥
Their march through the forest was a quiet one. Not a single person dared to speak as they jogged briskly through the forest, the troops following Vincent in three lines of five where the trail permitted. The trees and the fog seemed to grow denser in proportion to each other. Soon, it was almost impossible to see, leaving everyone to take nervous steps forward while Vincent tapped out a path before him with his cane.
“The blind leading the blind” Leona quipped from Vincent’s left...somewhere. The scholar had no idea where she was actually, the fog was much too thick. He grumbled and fished through his robe for a few moments and pulled out a simple glass orb and grunted.
“Illuminate!” the orb shimmered to life with blue sparks and let out a massive blast of light, burning away the fog to reveal the path. The men all gasped and took a step back, rubbing their eyes. Vincent grinned and glanced around to find that Leona was nowhere to be found.
I’m in your head, goofball.
The scholar sighed and gazed ahead. He couldn’t make out much in front of the light, but got the feeling that Tobias could not be much further ahead.
“Hromaghs Balls!”
Vincent’s ears perked up as he heard his friend's favorite expletive. Without a word, he began to charge forward blindly. Tobias was in trouble. The troops were taken aback by his sudden burst of speed but quickly picked up their pace. They reached the end of the trail in a few moments and found the sellsword deep in battle in the middle of a clearing.
Vincent burst into the clearing with his troops and charged. They were met with a horde of undead. It seemed Pode intentionally pooled all of her remaining forces in one place, just to block Vincent from his path. Vince and his melee fighters took the lead, forming a protective “wall” between the archers and the oncoming horde.
The Archers, in turn, began to fire what was left of their bolts, downing undead left and right as they timed their shots. The fifteen soldiers pushed back a tidal wave of ghouls as they struggled to gain footing in the clearing. Once a position of power was established, Vince called to Tobias.
“Tobias! Status report!”
…
The hounds surged forth and were met with spear and blade alike. Fur and flesh parted as crimson tides washed over the clearing, drenching the soil with blood. A beast snarled, lunging for Vincent’s throat. The scholar growled and beat the beast down with his cane before driving his sword into its gut. He exploded into a flash of sparks as another hound sailed right through where he had previously been standing. A shower of blue announced his arrival over the beast as he brought his cane down to crush its skull.
He turned his gaze towards the rest of the fight. His troops were getting slaughtered left and right as the hounds pounced on their prey. He gritted his teeth, their blood was on his hands and he knew it.
“Vincent!” Tobias howled as he smashed a hound’s head in with a rock. “Behind you!”
The scholar turned find the gaping maw of a Du’Taigen clamping itself around his elbow as it pulled him to the ground. The scholar grunted as he was thrown to the blood drenched dirt, his cane and blade both dropping uselessly to the ground. He hissed and rolled to bring his free hand, clenched into a fist, into the beasts jaw. The beast yelped and released the scholar’s now bloodied arm.
Furious, the scholar rose to his feet only to find the massive leader of the pack staring him down with crimson eyes.
“Oh fuck.”
The beast let out a blood chilling howl as it charged the scholar. Vincent’s mind went blank, watching in horror as the hound closed the gap.
Move Vincent. MOVE the scholar screamed in his head.
“Vincent!” Tobias howled. The hound halted, entire body taut as if it was still trying to move. Behind the beast Tobias grabbed hold of the beast’s mangy tail and was holding the mutt back. The creature turned and snapped at the mercenary, who in turn stepped back to the dodge the beast.
“Come and get it y’big furry fucker!” he grunted taking a step back. A bolt hit the beast in the muzzle and the creature looked up to find three soldiers stood alone over a pile of its dead kin.
“OI!” one yelled. “Come fucking get some you Twat!” Another rose his crossbow and fired a bolt straight into the beast’s eye. It howled and stepped back, kicking Vincent in the chest and sending him flying
There is a darkness in you. In all of us, probably. Beasts we keep chained. Ordinary men have to keep the chains strong, for if we let the beast loose then society will turn upon us with fiery vengeance. Kings though...well, who is there to turn upon them? So the chains are made of straw. It is the curse of kings, Helikaon, that they can become monsters. And they invariably do.
Rayleigh is pretty chill. ♥
Judgment
Cards, it's clear now that your one of the most creative minds on Althanas, but you still have a long way to go in your writing. While this thread was generally free of spelling, grammar and usage errors, your writing was highly repetitive (i.e. you used the same nouns multiple times in back to back sentences) and you did not diversify your sentence structure much. This made many of your actions convoluted and difficult to follow. In addition, it seemed you threw in adjectives just because you felt it necessary. This runs into the old idiom, "show, don't tell."
Storywise, your strongest area was pacing. This thread flew by at a lightning pace, which made it relatively easy to read when I wasn't lost in some of your actions. I also like how you broke the story, starting the reader in the action before stepping back to explain how everyone got there. That said, it wasn't particularly clear what purpose Tobias served in the thread other than to convince Vincent to leave the House of Cards. Indeed, the thread began with Leona's visage and Vincent romping through the forest and ended that way in an encounter with Pode. You could have removed the majority of your beginning posts and had a much more stellar story. Learning of Pode's past and the history of the Tarot Hierarchy was fascinating. Frankly, this should have been the central theme of the entire quest. I also liked how you brought a very real aspect of science into the fantasy as well to justify your character's place in the world. Another area I disliked was dialogue. You almost expressly used dialogue to advance the story, which is fine, but your constant real life references (though admittedly a few did make me laugh), have no place in a story like this. I get that Vincent is from earth, but I wasn't aware if Leona and the others were from there as well, making their reactions to your character's frequent offhanded remarks unrealistic. I'd tone it down in the future.
Cards of Fate
Story- 5
Setting- 5
Pacing- 6
Action- 5
Communication- 4
Persona- 5
Mechanics- 5
Technique- 5
Clarity- 5
Wildcard- 6
Total- 51/100
Cards of Fate receives 951 EXP and 102 GP + 250 tournament GP
You've won 5th place in the 2015 Adventurer's Crown. Congratulations!
Althanas Operations Administrator
Dirks GP amount: 2949
EXP & GP Added!
"All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."- Anonymous
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