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Thread: AC Finals: Erirag The Poet

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 4,856, Level: 2
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    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 144
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    Erirag the Poet's Avatar

    Name
    Erirag the Poet
    Age
    37
    Race
    Orc
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brown, streaked with red like the barren fields of battles past
    Eye Color
    A dirty amber; the color of the liquor best drank from a skull.
    Build
    7' 1" // 323 lbs
    Job
    Bard

    Erirag had seen this light before. It had filled the eyes of her companion Kon. It had glittered along the elf’s sword. Now it filled the sky and reflected in Podё’s gaze. The bard didn’t know what the spell had done, and she didn’t care. Raising her fist, she let her knuckles slam into the witch’s face. She hit her hard enough that it hurt, pain searing into her wrist. Still, she didn’t stop. She’d planned and promised a death by her fists and she would give one. One hit turned into ten, her fists still wrapped in the hair she’d torn from the Forgotten One’s scalp.

    She finally let her fists drop when the last rattling breath bubbled and faded from what once had been a face beneath her. The woman was dead, laying lifelessly in the glade. They were still surrounded by beauty, Erirag thought, and it made her feel sick. The orc rolled as she fell, laying on her back as she stared at the canopy. The sky beyond the leaves had cleared with the Forgotten One’s death, leaving her to stare at peeks of blue beyond the ruddy canopy. It was harder to see in detail now.

    To her side, the Bladesinger was leaning over one of the fallen. Of course he would try and care for elves that were dead and gone while the orc who had saved them all lay dying. The bard tried to laugh, the sound coming out as a bark and blood bubbled to her lips. Podё sowed deceit in her garden, but at least she’d told one truth. Erirag would die here. Her skin was so covered in her own blood that she was a dark ruby carved into the form of an orc. The adrenaline of the battle that had kept her going was gone now and she was slipping away. The bard hoped the Bladesinger was good at writing epics.

    Finally he came around, leaning over her while she rested. He didn’t look as concerned as mostly confused. When he muttered something about how he wasn’t going to be able to carry her back to Anebrilith. She didn’t know how to break it to him that the city was gone. How long had he been asleep in Podё’s glade?

    “Ashdautas vrasubatlat,” Erirag managed to say weakly. She might be dying but she was still polite.

    “God I hope not,” he said, glancing from the orc to the corpse of the witch. Erirag tried to laugh again, but nothing came. It was too hard to laugh, too hard to breathe, too painful to live. In true orcish sensibility, she decided to stop. As her amber eyes stared starkly at the sky, the wind blew and a barrage of crimson fronds fell. Among them, a single green leaf fluttered down to crown the brow of Erirag Songcrafter, the orc who slew Podё’s Vanity.
    -0-
    The Rest is Still Unwritten
    Uk Pral Nar Shofat


  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 4,856, Level: 2
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 144
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 144
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    Erirag the Poet's Avatar

    Name
    Erirag the Poet
    Age
    37
    Race
    Orc
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brown, streaked with red like the barren fields of battles past
    Eye Color
    A dirty amber; the color of the liquor best drank from a skull.
    Build
    7' 1" // 323 lbs
    Job
    Bard

    Llatur vosha horizat
    ashim drunat foshu timeri.
    Prali mogushat opashob
    ahno lat dig buri oro armaukri
    ajog matob gujat kaf.

    Do mariz nudrokas prali.
    Mat nar timer Erirag.
    Pardrogatim kurrauzrim gajub illa sul mat.
    Lat nar gikatoran amal Erirag prak or amat Erirag.

    Pralim nudrokasub laturishi


    Your face is the shadows,
    the first nightmare a baby has.
    The legends whisper of beauty
    But you set men on fire for grudges that should have died long ago.

    Even fools write legends.
    Death does not scare me.
    To turn my back would be a fate worse than death.
    You don't decide where I stand or what I do.

    My legend will be written in your blood.
    -0-
    The Rest is Still Unwritten
    Uk Pral Nar Shofat


  3. #13
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
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    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

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    Judgment

    This was a good thread. Whereas most of the others used dialogue to advance the story, you relied almost exclusively on imagery. From the trees in the forest to the quartz of the graves, I must admit that I was truly engrossed in the beautiful setting you created for this quest. Though it is not your lowest score, your weakest area was action. This isn't to say your choice of actions was poor. I just think you under utilized your strongest part, the bladesingers. Immediately, I was taken by the chorus metaphors. The powerful Orc freeing the souls of her ancestral enemies and joining them in song to defeat Pode sends a strong message. However, they became afterthoughts in your comparatively weak climax and conclusion, which affected the pacing of the thread. Perhaps you were trying to convey distain for Erirag when the bladesingers shielded themselves instead of her, but this did come off as limited. Also missing was true character development for Erirag. What you attempted to do was excellent, but unfortunately the end felt short (you may have been rushed), and I was unable to identify any end to end growth. You went from 'what good is an Orc against a goddess" to "my legend will be written in your blood" with comparative ease.

    Writing wise, you did fine. Compared to others though, you did have a few easy to correct spelling errors. Also, at times your writing became confusing. It is clear that Erirag, despite her limited dialogue, is a very intelligent creature and unfortunately at time your dialogue mannerisms for her extended into your prose. It was very choppy at times. In addition, there were times in the thread where you didn’t diversify your wording enough, causing the writing to become stale. For example you referenced Erirag's flesh twice in a sentence in post 9.

    Erirag the Poet

    Story- 5
    Setting- 7
    Pacing- 5
    Action- 6
    Communication- 5
    Persona- 5
    Mechanics- 6
    Technique- 7
    Clarity- 6
    Wildcard- 6

    Total- 58/100

    Erirag the Poet receives 1020 EXP + 128 GP + a manuscript that grants 2x EXP for a single thread

    You've won fourth place in the 2015 Adventurer's Crown Tournament. Congratulations!
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  4. #14
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    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

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    EXP & GP Added
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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