Name of Judgement: Hope
Judgement Type: Full Rubric
Name of Participant: Mage Hunter
Cost: 5 AP
Plot ~ 19/30
Story ~ 6/10 –
With an italicised, first person introduction, you gave a clear indication of your character’s purpose and direction before the main meat of the thread began. This can assist for any reader to understand where your character comes from in their clearly complex history. The plot itself developed well, with a steady form. There were times, however, that were extremely uncertain as to reasoning – such as why Drusilia attacked Godhand Striker; there was little explanation here (post 6), aside from a comment that he was feeling, “less and less like Godhand”. The ending, matching the beginning in terms of first person, and the death of that version of Pode was powerful and answered the idea of Drusilia’s temptations, and worked particularly well.
Setting ~ 6/10 –
Using Pode’s forest-borne cottage gives an uneasy homeliness to this thread. Using words to describe it such as “deceptively large” and “impress upon one the underlying thought this was a home to rest” (post 3) embellishes the idea that Pode has a home within her forest, in a habitual fashion. As a base, this is both eerie, but powerful, as you give a different perspective to the Forgotten One as others have done – developing the idea that your character has a different form of relationship to them. Though the house and the setting in general could have been mentioned far more, as dialogue takes up an overwhelming part of the thread, you start of well. There are layers within the cottage, such as the stairs, but there could have been more general description – what colour were the walls, more ways that the cottage was eerie etc.
Pacing ~ 7/10 –
Pacing was, for the majority, steady and consistent. There were a few times when one had to read back in order to understand the plot, however this was more of a clarity issue (see Clarity). The pacing of the overall story rose with a good tempo at the beginning and crescendo’ed with the fight. There was a good ending post in post 9, although this could have perhaps been shorter as you have a second epilogue in post 10, and for a thread this short it bulks it all up somewhat. Merging these posts together could have perhaps been an idea. All in all, at the end of the day the pacing was easy to follow and fitted well for your plot, so well done here.
Character ~ 18/30
Communication ~ 7/10 –
Dialogue is a dominant part of your thread/story and as such communication is the dominant form in which you portray your character. In terms of Drusilia one can understand a strong, independent and thoughtful character who lies somewhere between neutral and chaotic in terms of alignement, with tendancies towards both. She is neither truly evil, nor truly good, and this is portrayed through the deliberations she makes with Pode in considering her offer and listening to her.
Action ~ 6/10 –
Generally, actions are precise and purposeful, written in times when they are needed for action. There are various times, however, when the writing of them is poor and unclear, (please see Clarity) and this judge felt there could have been a lot more added to make action more of a resounding success. Particular points of strengths did occur when actions were used for habitual and character constructing purposes, such as the use of smoking and the ploy with the stabbing of Godhand.
Persona ~ 5/10 –
Persona was used to some extent, but in some ways this felt the weakest of the three ‘Character’ judging segments. Emotion was little described in this piece, and though the first-person opening post did grant a glimpse into the life of Drusilia, there was elements of it lacking in the main body of the thread. Some actions granted an idea to how Drusilia felt about seeing Godhand as a new form, but there was little in the way of showing her inner thoughts or emotions regarding this. Here, and when she stabbed him, was a great opportunity to truly show some strong persona, and though you hinted at it in your writing, encouragement would be made here to try to find and deepen these points in future.
Prose ~ 19/30
Mechanics ~ 7/10 –
Mechanics all in all was strong and succinct. There were a few times when punctuation did slip, such a few misplaced commas in post 2 and 3, however a short read through before posting can help to this.
Clarity~ 5/10 –
There are some serious clarity issues at times in this thread. One that stands out is in post 6 with “Podë seemed to be gathering her magical might to throw at Drusilia who kicked a stool at Podë, throwing off her spellcasting.” This is a hard to read, run-on sentence that could have been described better, in more words. The lack of action and descriptive words, surrounded by heavy dialogue, does make this thread difficult to follow at times. That being said, the battle of post 7 and 8 was written very well and easier to follow, and the general plot was weaved well and made developmental sense, so there in the overall picture clarity was less of an issue. It was the small details that made it more difficult and tightening these up in future can assist to a higher score.
Technique ~ 7/10 – This was a strong point for you, as in the times when you did describe, you described brilliantly well. Actions in general were powerful and with meaning, with a strong word choice. Descriptions such as (“frost wreathed stone,” post 7) particularly stood out, word order was used powerfully (“Crimson was certainly her attire as well,” post 2), and advanced vocabulary (“simulacrum,” post 4) made your technique powerful. There are further options here, for instance developing the use of simile, metaphor and imagery, and this is one way to develop from an already strong position.
Wildcard: 5/10
Wildcard here goes to supplying an alternate epilogue for the demise of Pode, and mixing the rich history of your character in with this.
Total ~ 61/100
Rewards:
Mage Hunter receives:
735 EXP
125 GP
Spoils Request: After the admins discussed it, it has been decided that we cannot canonise what was requested. Please speak to an admin if you wish to further this request.
Original request: "I would like to canonize every finalist thread in the 2015 AC by explanation that they were all a simulacrum of Podë sharing shreds of her power."
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