The Demon Within

[Light]

“And I had such high hopes for her..” The sound of burnt skin permeated the air as the headpiece was removed from my scalp. I heard a click as a button was depressed, “Subject 0506 failed. Had 100 voltz of raw energy for approximately 22 seconds, perished on the table. Unable to revive.”

Everything seemed…fuzzy. Almost dream like. My body frozen, my lungs screaming for oxygen. I could still feel the tingle from my nerves being shocked and the sting of my muscles from the excessive locking and unlocking. My eyes were paralyzed open, dry and dilated, the light burned into my retinas.

30 seconds gone…

“Merril, unshackle the prisoner and drop her body in the pit with the rest.” The cold fingers brushed against my wrist as the leather shackles were unbound. The snap of gloves being removed rang in the air.

20 Seconds..

I could feel my fingers twitch slightly as I waited patiently for my prey to enter into my trap fully. The feeling slowly returning to my extremities as the pill’s effects grew weaker. Cool metal and plastic caressed my forearm from ‘Merril’ placing the syringe on the operating table as she continued to remove the remaining restraints from my legs.

10 Seconds…

My heart rate began a dull beat, my chest decompressed as oxygen slowly entered my starved tissue. I would need to make this quick and silent, one mistake and I will not be able to pull this ruse again. And I have too many people counting on me. My eyelids fluttered as the effects were mostly diminished and my eyes perked around to see Owen and Merril hovering over the counter, backs facing me.

5 Seconds…

I slowly edged my fingers to the syringe next to me and wrapped them around the girth of it. I was able to close my eyes and regain my breath as I waited for the final seconds to tick down. I pulled the weapon close to my side, my fingers gripping it harder as the toxin fully left.

I'm ready.

My eyelids snapped open as adrenaline burst through my veins. I brought the syringe to eye level and plunged it deep into Owen’s neck. Atrial splatter exploded from the wound as I ripped out the syringe and brought it back down onto his neck. Merril began to scream as the gore unfolded in front of her, blood spayed around the room as he tried to suppress the life force being drained out of him. Owen plummeted to the floor face first, eyes wide open and skin white.

I leapt for Merril to silence her wails like a snake striking a mouse, lightning quick and deadly. She didn’t even have time to react before I grasped her neck and snapped it violently to the side, cracking her hyoid and severing her spinal cord in an instant. She dropped to the floor, silent. Blood dripped from my eyelids, my limbs shaking from provocation.

Owen was slowly scraping along the dusty floor, making his way to the alarm trigger on the table. My foot stomped down onto his hand with a resounding crack as bone broke. His body jolted in response, only to have more blood spatter out of his neck wounds. I flipped him onto his back and pounced onto his chest, the syringe back in my grasp. I could see the fear echoing in his eyes as I pulled it up for the final strike. The darkness that has slowly began to creep its way into my heart, roared its fangs as I sunk the needle into his eyes, over and over again…

Silence, at last.

My hands, wet with blood, shook as I dropped the needle to the ground. My ebbing rage gradually dwindled and my eyes focused at the sight before me. Seeing the bath of crimson in front of me, the ripple of nausea consumed me as I dry heaved on the ground. Fear gripped my senses as I looked at the mutilated corpse.

I did that?

The thought was overwhelming as I felt the wave of nausea again. I had planned on killing him, but this…was heinous.

My arms shook with anxiety as I slowly pulled myself back onto my feet. I stripped the clothes from Merril and hastily put them on myself. I searched Owen’s corpse for his access card attached to his belt and placed it in my pocket. I used his lab coat to try and pull the blood of my hands, arms and face so as not to draw…too much attention to myself. I clutched my syringe to my chest as my hands wrapped around the iron handle and pushed the door open into the emptiness beyond it. I inhaled sharply, and darted into the blackness.

I heard the faint clasp of the door shutting close on the massacre that I had caused, locking it deep in the darkness for no one else to see.

The seeds of evil inside of me seemed to swell a bit larger after this.

[Light]

My footsteps echoed along the black, barren hallway as I stumbled along the darkness. My fingers tracing along the rocky walls in an attempt to feel may way through the tunnels. Looks like the dark elves memorized these trails to assist in hindering escapees from easily finding their way out. There was almost no torches along the path and pitch black darkness around every corner. I was not even sure if I was heading in the right direction, let alone a circle.

There was a cold draft that blew along the sandy floor, so there is air getting done here somewhere. I felt no other doors, but the smell of blood and feces hung in what little air there was. The tips of my fingers felt raw and wet from continuing to scrape along the rough surfaces to try and find a door, any door. My exposed foot slammed into a hard object in front of me and I fell face first into a slippery, warm liquid.

My hands felt around to see what I had landed in. I felt a soft tissue all around me and the smell of rot stung my nostrils.

Were these…bodies?

I heard a creak from an door and flash of light blinded my eyes. There were two elves dragging what looked like a sack of decaying meat along the floor. “’Urry up! This thing weighs a ton.” They seemed out of breath from dragging it along the floor. “Just grab ‘em legs and swing it into ‘yeh pile.” The other one scooped up the legs and they began to swing the body into the mass grave I seem to now be laying in.

I ducked my head behind the rotting flesh and the smell caused my eyes to water. Brown and crimson intertwined in my fingers from the ground beneath me as I gripped the earth. Adrenaline began to flow in my veins in anticipation they may catch me, the dark seed inside of me salivating for a chance to taste blood again. The dark elves flung the body into the pile, dusted their hands off and slammed the door shut. My nerves calmed knowing they did not see me.

I crawled on top of the mutilated corpses, slipping on the blood and splashing body fluid all along my arms and legs. I reached the small ledge and hoisted myself onto the ledge and swung my legs onto the stone floor. I rolled onto my back as the smell of decay caused my stomach to roar at the gore in this room.

How many people have they experimented on?! The thought made my head spin and the rage fill my belly. So many lost lives, how many even knew their loved one ended in this mass grave? My fingers balled into fists and I slammed it down into the hard ground. They will not get away with this!

I flipped onto my stomach, the wounds I have suffered screamed as I pushed myself back onto my feet. The syringe firm in my hand as I found the door they has used and slowly pulled it open. My eyes peaked inside the small crack and saw no one in the hall. I pulled it open and quickly darted inside, gently shutting the door behind me. The warmth from the torches along the wall caressed my skin as I began to quietly inch along the walls. My ears perked for any sound that may be approaching.

They must have Kenrick in another part of the mines, unless he was deeper into the pit I was. I will need to see If I can find my weapons and his location swiftly, before they realize I have escaped. The walls were a much smoother texture as I grazed along it, my feet slinking along the edges while I grazed my blood stained hands along the surface.

Footsteps bounced off the narrow walls of the hallway as someone began to approach. My fingers curled tighter around my weapon as they got louder. I ducked behind the corner, my breath calm and my hands steady. I smelled his sweat as he passed around the corner and his eyes locked onto me. They stood wide open as shock rang in his expression.

Before he could yell, I plunged the syringe into his chest cavity and pushed the gauge down, releasing air directly into his veins. The elf fell to his knees as he tried to grasped his sword from his sheath.. I pierced a hole in his lung with an air embolus and that traveling straight for his heart. I wrenched the sword from his grasp and held it to his throat, fire in my gaze as I felt the darkness beginning to take hold.

“Where is Kenrick the Dwarf?” I gritted my teeth as I spoke. The elf clutched his chest wound and stayed silent. “In exactly 1 minute the air I pushed into your veins will enter your heart and explode. Causing you to suffocate in your own fluids. Or I can end your suffering now if you answer me?”

Still silence.

I traced the blade edge along his jawline, letting blood escape his body as the sword opened his flesh. “30 seconds, make your choice spawn!”

I felt the sting of an object pierce my shoulder. My hand jerked to the pain as I was greeted with warm fluid and a burning sensation. My face darted behind me to face a woman dark elf, pointing a crossbow towards my direction. Her gaze stern and deadly as she already had another arrow nocked into the cradle.

She released the trigger as I darted out of line of fire. The arrow buzzed through the air until it connected with the other elf on the ground. Electrical sparks erupted around the entry point and the elf jerked from the electrical current surging through him. He fell face first into the dirt, his body twitching until my deadly strike took hold.

An enchanted arrow for immobilizing, perfect.

My fingers clutched the sword as I lunged for my new target, rage began to consume my thoughts and actions.

I did not fight it this time as my steps propelled me toward my purpose.

I, instead, welcomed the power

[Light]

Kenrick was down this hall and four doors to the left.

I began stalking down the halls, blood dripping down my extremities from the two elves I had encountered. My shoulder throbbed from ripping out the arrow and the make-shift bandage I had made was not stopping the flow of blood very well.

That foolish female elf began to spill her guts once I held her life in my hands. I may have promised to not hurt her if she told me where he was…how naive.

She should have known to not trust the enemy.

The blade from the previous elf was still clutched in my hands as I made my way down the tunnel. I could hear screams dancing down the walls of this corridor, so I knew I must be getting close. My heart fluttered with anticipation that I will see my partner and get him out alive. To know I will finally do something right for a change.

Two doors down, two more to go.

The smooth, crisp sand beneath my feet made little noise as my pace quicken with excitement. Before I knew it, my body ran straight into another warm body from around the final corner. I lost my balance and fell to the ground with a soft thud. My excitement just cost me my stealth and I was now face-to-face with another obstacle. The elf before me looked familiar, my eyes scanned him up and down until my eyes landed on his bandage around his hands..this was the elf I had encountered when Kenrick and I first snuck into the mines. The one I had sunk my arrow into when I was on a killing rampage.

The blood drained from my face and my fingers went cold with the realization. He was slightly dazed from our run in, but quickly recovered. My hand shot to my sword that lay before me to finish the job from before, but he snatched my hair and pulled me straight up. The pain shot up my scalp and a slight yelp escaped my lips from the shock.

“Well what do I have here?!” he snarled. “Seems this little rat escaped her cage.” He was still holding me by my hair, as he withdrew a small dagger from his belt.

I was so close…

He held the dagger close to my throat and had the brisk steel caress my skin. “Hush now little, Elf.” He began to drag me along cool sand, the burning discomfort from my scalp escalated as he did. My toes dug into the earth to try and obtain some grip to wrench myself free from his grasp. “Let's have a little chat, hmm?” I tried to struggle from him, but he had a firm grip on me. He opened a door and flung me to the ground, my knees skidding along the stone and dirt. I landed on all fours as I heard the loud thud from the heavy door closing.

I spun around to face my foe, he flipped the dagger in his thin fingers and his smile was wicked. My heart rate accelerated as he knelt down before me, my fingers scratching the stone floor under me. “Such a pretty face for a killer.” He grazed the edge along my jawline, evil danced on his expression. I turned my face away from the steel and my breath quickened. “I see that pompous attitude is still instilled in you ‘high elves’. You know I watched as your people humiliated and banished my family.” He pulled the blade from my face and gripped my chin and forced me to look at him.

“Because we could not access the Tap, we were no longer deemed worthy to be in the same forest by you. Who are you to judge our kind huh?” Anger lingered in his tone as he gripped harder onto my face. “You see we have grown into a race that you should start to fear, sister. We may not have magical prowess, oh…but we have discovered a greater power! One you will soon feel the wrath too!” He jerked my head to the side and stood to his feet. “I guess you have been a helpful test subject, perhaps if you beg, I may make you my pet. Then you can watch the glory by my side as your fellow elves perish!”

“Do what you will..” My voice raspy and weak. “I will not beg to the likes of you.” My fingers grasped around the syringe I had hid in my pants, “My people will not be defeated by trinkets and false power! Seeing what I have here, we were right to send your race to banishment!” I spit at him and it landed at his feet. “I will watch as your laboratory burns to the ground with the sins you have committed in it. The Gods will not support such heinous acts and you will all melt under their fiery wrath!” I began to stand and face him, syringe tightly held behind my back.

“You speak so naively, elf. The era of magic is coming to a close, have you not seen the clues around you?” He spit out, ”Your race is dying while ours is flourishing! Magic will become nothing more than a myth soon. The best I can offer is death, or my pet, since you will never make it out of these mines alive on your own.” He walked up to me and grasped firmly around my throat, “Time to choose little elf.”

My fingers dug into the weapon as I looked into his eyes, “Never.”

I whipped the syringe from behind my back and penetrated the side of his neck, barely missing a vital vein. The needle effortless pierced the soft tissue, almost like a marshmallow. The dark elf let out a scream and released my throat from his grasp, he pulled the needle out from his neck as blood gushed from the wound. I lunged at him with his guard down and took him down to the ground, my fist balled and slamming into his face.

Bone breaking sounds echoed along the barren room as I continued to pound into his skull. My knuckles bloody and bruised from the repeated contact. His cries began to diminish as the bones in his face caved in and he no longer resembled anything human or elf.

Every hit was for the people he tortured and kill, all the lost dreams and hopes that vanished by his hand. The frenzy I found myself in…felt good. My hands began to throb from the altercation and I stopped to look down at my victory. I stood up from the ground and took one last look at the monster I slayed.

“ Seems I do not need magic to be stronger than you.” I spit down onto him, grabbed his dagger and dashed for the door. I still needed to get Kenrick and make our escape.

I shoved open the heavy door, peaked outside and saw no one running to the noise I just created. I sprinted from behind it and made my way down the final hallway. Elation still in my lungs from what just happened and the fact I was this much closer to rescue. I found the fourth door in this hall and jiggled the handle.

Unlocked?

I turned the handle and pushed the door open.

What I saw, stopped me from going any further.

[Light]

The room I had found myself in was no dungeon or prison, but was filled with trinkets and magical items all along the walls. The air smelt of baked goods and warmth from a small fire that filled the room. There was a generous size bed in the corner that was littered with toys and other precious items.

Inside the covers was a small….boy. Not really human nor elf, but dwarven features were prominent on his delicate face. My heart sank as I knew who this boy was.

This was Kenrick’s son. He was alive.

I began to hear shouting coming down the hallway as I closed the metal door behind me as quietly as I could. I placed my back against the smooth, stone surface and placed my hand over my mouth to silence my breathing. Should the boy wake up and began screaming, my cover would be blown and I would surely be dead right here. Kenrick will be so happy to know he is alive and well, but I do not know why he has not tried to escape?

The clinking of metal began to become louder as they searched room after room trying to find me. Either they found my dungeon empty or the string of bodies I left along the way. Either way, if they find me, I am doomed. I tip-toed around the room as I tried to find a place to hide from them. I made way toward the sleeping boy and knelt down onto my hands and knees to try to crawl under the bed. I soon realized just how small dwarven children were, for the bed only covered my torso.

The commotion was getting louder, they are either next door or damn close. My heart started to race as I panicked trying to find somewhere to hide. But everything was too small! My toe ran into some mechanical equipment next to a table and it knocked some items off of it with a loud ‘ting’. My heart stopped as the boy bolted up to the noise. I dove for him since he opened his mouth to let out a scream, my hand grasped tightly around his it to prevent this.

“Listen, I am not here to hurt you.” I whispered next to his ear. “I know your father, Kenrick, we have come to rescue you.” The boy began to flail in my grasp, I tried to quiet his movements but it was too late. His feet kicked his nightstand over and the items tumbled over onto the ground with a resounding clanking sound. They definitely heard that. I withdrew the dagger I had stashed from my recent encounter and held it to the boy’s throat.

Forgive me, Kenrick.

About four dark elves stormed into the room, weapons drawn and aiming straight for me. I clutched onto the boy, dagger close to a vital vein and held him close to my chest. “Move out of my way, or I will kill him right here.”

A familiar voice resonated behind the elves along with a small clapping noise. “Well, well. It seems I have underestimated you, Lilith.” The supposed leader I had encounter earlier sauntered into the room, his hands now at his sides. I remember, they called him Sterling. “You escaped your cage, killed six of my men and found your way all the way up here. I must say I am impressed.” His lips danced with a wicked smile. “And now I find you, holding a dagger to a young boy’s throat. A boy, you had come to save.” He began to pace in front of the doorway. “You are definitely not like the rest.”

“I am not going to hurt him, unless you do not let us go.” I pressed the dagger closer to his throat. The boy stop struggling when he felt the edge against his flesh.

“Tsk, tsk. I thought you were smarter than that, Lilith.” He eyes gleamed with excitement at the current situation. “This boy is not my captive, he may go as he pleases.” His hand gestured to the door.

What?

“You are lying. Kenrick told me your men snuck into his house and stole him from his bed. Why would he stay here of his free will? Did you threaten to kill him or his father?!” I snarled at Sterling. There is no way this boy is not his captive, he is just trying to fool me.

“Oh, is that what he told you?” He fingers clasped in front of him, almost like he was preparing to lecture a classroom. “Does this room appear to be a cage, Lilith? The door is unlocked and the boy appears to be in good spirits. Well minus the fact you are holding a blade to him.” A grin touched the edges of his lips, “His room is filled with treasures beyond his dreams. He truly wants to be here.”

My thoughts began to buzz around me and the room started to spin. This is not true. It cannot be! Why would someone willing leave their family behind to stay with these…monsters!?

“Go on, ask the boy.” Sterling motioned to him. “I am sure he will tell you the same.”

My hand slowly removed itself from the child’s mouth and just rested on his shoulder. “Does this man speak the truth? Are you not being held against your will?” The boy merely nodded to my question. “I promise to not hurt you, do not lie to me. I will protect you from them. Are you sure you are truly here on your own accord?” Again the boy nodded. Cold dripped down my spine as this boy continued to say he was no prisoner. Does Kenrick know this? He must witness this himself, “Where is his father?” The question was weak for I could not think clearly anymore.

“Well…he is a bit…indisposed of at the moment.” Humor glinted in his smirk and dread filled my veins. “I can take you to him, if you would like?”

I just sat in the bed and let me mind race. Something feels wrong here. Why are they being kind to the boy? Why are they willing to bring me to Kenrick? I did need to see Kenrick, maybe he will be able to bring his son back to his senses. But there are five of them and only one of me, I am sure Kenrick is in no condition to fight and I will not be able to protect all of them, but what choice do I have right now. If I kill the boy, Kenrick will never forgive me and I will lose my protection. If I go with them, it could easily be a trap to kill us all. But I do not have anything else to bargain with and I need to buy some time until I can devise a plan.

“Answer me this, why take his son?”

“The boy is a genius my dear elf. One such has him should be nutured and guided by those that understand him. Your dwarven companion is no match for such knowledge and wisdom needed to allow him to grow. We can offer him those things and more, “Sterling fingers traced along the bookshelf as he spoke. “His father is nothing more than a drunken, washed-up, useless dwarf with nothing to offer him.” My teeth gritted as he spoke about Kenrick like that.

“His father is a good man. He may not be a genius, but he loves his son. You are merely using him for his gift to help you out in the end!” I felt my blood boil at this fact, the dark elves did not have pure intentions. “This is not what he needs. I am sure you are merely brainwashing him into this notion that you care for him. But you would leave his carcass to rot just like the rest once he no longer was of use to you.” I continued to hold the blade close to his throat, my grip tight and my gaze piercing into Sterling.

“What we do with the boy should be of no concern to you, elf. His safety is not your responsibility.” He stopped in front of the door and faced me. “How about a trade?”

“What kind of trade?” I asked cautiously. “If you think I will leave him here, your nuts.”

Sterling’s hands folded in front of himself as he leaned forward, “I am afraid you will have to make a choice then, Lilith.” He fell back onto his heels, “You see, either you give me the boy and I give you Kenrick. Or, you keep the boy and I keep your companion for..myself.” A villainous smile spread on his cheeks. “You cannot have both I am afraid. You simply do have the chips to play that kind of game.”

His hand opened up in front of himself and turned his palm face up, “So, what will it be?”

[Light]

OOC: I wrote this thread to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyAEScrkWv8) should you want to experience it while reading this scene. Especially the moment Lilith learns the truth.


My veins filled with ice as he spoke those five words. The blade in my fingers shook as the thought of choosing one life for another.

I cannot make that choice.

“Tick-tock, Lilith. I am a patient man, but your little escape has tested it.”

What to do? My heart raced and my fingers numb with dread, how was I supposed to choose? How was I even sure Kenrick was alive? I needed to see him, to make him understand.

“I need to see Kenrick. I want to make sure he is alive before I choose.” My voice rang of confidence even though my body felt like jelly.

“Now, now. We do not have time for that. Either you choose, or I do that for you.” A smug grin on his face and his hands folded in front of his chest as he spoke.

I picked the boy up and off the comfort of the bed, my feet landing on the stone floor. “I still have this bargaining chip, Sterling. Or do I need to remind you?” I grazed the edge of the blade along the child’s chin, leaving a small incision of blood. A hiss rang in the room as I pulled it along his delicate neck. The boy remained calm, barely even moved from the blades edge. Almost as if the cut did not hurt him in the slightest.

The smirk on his face vanished as I pulled the blade off his skin and held it to his chest. “Very well, Ms. Lilith. No need to cause my guest more fear. Oric!” A large gruff dark elf pulled up next to Sterling and he whispered something into his ear. Oric nodded his head and stomped off back into the dark tunnels. “See? No need to shed blood. I am being more than cooperative.” His arms extended out to from his sides. Sterling pulled a chair from the small desk and pulled it to the center of the room.

I could feel the boy’s heart beating heavily against his firm chest. His palms were sweaty as the clutched onto my forearm, his nails digging into my skin. I did not sense fear, though. But something more...sinister. I think he enjoyed having my blade against his flesh.

No, that can't be right. Can it? I shook my head for I couldn't even think straight anymore, my mind was fogging and tired. This was just too much to process.

“Please sit, Lilith. You look like your exhausted.” That sarcastic grin plastered on his face again. “It will be a moment until Kenrick arrives.”

“Is that supposed to be charming?” I spat back at him. “Your experimenting on…people. Are they all are ‘willing’ participants like me?” Venom leaked out of my words. My knees were trembling from today’s adventure, my body is still drained and I am sure I am standing by sheer will alone.

“Extracting power within people can be…difficult. As I am sure you felt.” My grasp on my dagger tighten and my eyes glared at him. “He began pacing in front of the small fireplace. “ The human soul is filled with powerful magic, we are just delicately extracting it.”

“I would not call what you’re doing delicate. I saw your grave of bodies. Does your little guest here know what it is you truly do?” My hand clutched his chest as my gaze never left Sterling.

“Who do you think helped with discovering the procedure and serum?” He faced the fireplace and held his hand out nonchalantly.

I think I am going to be sick. My body began to tremble and my grip on the boy increased. The room started to spin and I fell to my knees, the boy followed, “No…No…No. Your lying!” I shouted back.

“Quite the contrary, Ms. Lilith.” He turned to face me, “I told you the boy was a genius and special. It was him who conducted the first human test subject. What he discovered was…quite intriguing. That was when he was only ten years old.” A mischievous grin emerged at the tips of this lips. “Since then, we have come closer and closer to understanding the Tap and how it works. Being able to harness it and condense into weapons is our ultimate goal you see.”

“So you’re saying this boy…here…is what is responsible for the mass grave I stumbled upon earlier? This child is capable of such…evil?” This could not be real? Surely, the innocent boy has been forced.

“You do not get it yet my dear. The boy came to us.” His arms spread open, gesturing to the room we are in. “The boy helped us create all of what you see. He truly is…special. That father of his, only wanted to hide his true boy’s nature. Made him conceal what he honestly is, to the bone.” Sterling was circling around us as he spoke. “When Allen was only five he cut open animals to see what was inside and how to improve the beast he encountered. His father became gravely concerned and began to 're-teach' his son when it means to be a man! This young man is...perfect."

This boy was mutilating animals at five…?

“Kenrick knew…what his son was..?” I muttered. My mouth was gaped open and a sweat perpetrated off of my skin. This was all too much.

“Of course he did! Eventually, the boy thirsted for more knowledge and seeked us out. We are his true family!”

Allen did not speak throughout this conversation, but remained silent. I could sense his fondness for this group that has him, they let him be who he truly wants to be. Which was a murderer, a cold blooded murderer. A true psychopath. Why didn’t Kenrick tell me his child was this..henious?


I hear stomping coming down the hallway and something heavy being dragged behind them. My head snapped up to face the door and my limbs trembled with fear at what I was about to see.

“Ah, I see our other participant has arrived.” Sterling made his way to the entrance, the heavy door swung open and four elves were dragging a limp body behind them. My body tensed as I watched them lug Kenrick across the stone surface and drop him in the center of the room.

His whole body was purple and blue from the multiple beatings he must have sustained. He reeked of urine and feces, I almost could not recognize the dwarf at my feet. He wore little to no clothing and deep gashes littered his body from the numerous whippings he endured. My heart pulled for him to understand what must be done. I must sacrifice at least one of them…

Kenrick began to stir once Sterling threw water onto his face. “What the ‘ell, elf!?” he sputtered out. He rolled onto his hands and knees and looked straight at me. His face went white once he saw my blade held to his throat. “Lilith, whatcha doin’? Pull yer blade away!!” I could see the desperation in his expression as his chained hands clinked from his movement.

My teeth gritted together as I faced him and I gently shook my head back and forth, “I…can’t do that Kenrick.” I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes as my stomach fell to the floor. “Tell me…it isn’t true. Tell me that they are lying to me! That your son…is not responsible for all that I have seen here!” My stomach was twisting into knots and my heart fluttering from anguish.

“Lilith, whatcha’ sayin’? Of course they are liars! Look at what they have done to you and me!” Kenrick voice was soft but there was a twinge of anxiety on his tone.

“Kenrick, look around! He is not a prisoner here! Explain this to me. You told me that he was taken, but no chains hold him like you or me!” Tears stung my eyes as they started to fall to the ground.

“Look, lass. He is just a bit confused, that is all. I knew once I got ‘em back, that I could change all of this.” His eyes fell to the ground and his fingers balled into fists. “They rotted his brain. Told ‘em lies to lure him here. I needed to show him that he is not a monster and I could help ‘em.”

“He is lying, Lilith.” A small childlike voice rang.

I snapped my attention to the young boy in my arms. “Sterling is right. I came here of my own accord. I wanted to leave the hell hole that my father caged me in.” His tone was so malicious, I could feel the hatred behind his words. “I cannot help what I am. I want to open things up and find out how they…tick. I am not a monster, I am merely a scientist. He just cannot see that.”

He sounded so cold and unemotional as he spoke to his father and myself. “Let me go, Lilith and I swear to it you get out alive.” A wicked grin played on his mouth when he finished.

“Yeh don’t know what yer saying boy.” Kenrick voice was grief stricken and anger gone from his fists. “That is just their taint on yer’ words. You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do. You were never a good father, I would like nothing more than to watch you die.” My hands clenched and my grip firmer around my dagger. I watched as Kenrick’s heart shattered on that cobble-stone floor.

“Now, Lilith. Let me go and we can open this waste of life…together.” Allen’s laugh sent chills down my spine.

“Do it, lass.” My head whipped up to face Kenrick, “My boy is right. I am no use to anyone, please just let him go. I will…stay behind if it means he be free.” His eyes closed with tears staining his cheeks, “I came to save ‘em, and I least I know he is safe. That is all I can ask. Just make it quick.”

“Kenrick…” My voice trailed off. I did not know what to do, what to think anymore. My heart being ripped to pieces at the sight before me and all I want to do is run and hide in a corner.

“Tick-tock, Lilith.” Sterling’s velvet voice quipped in. “You know the terms, now choose.”

“Please…don’t make me do this.” My voice shook from the sadness that was gushing at my edges. “I…can’t make this choice.”

“If you don’t, my men will choose for you and there is good chance you and your little friend here will not walk out of here.”

My knees shook and I could feel the weight of the blade on my fingertips. If I do this, if I choose to kill one of them, can my heart take it? Killing a child, even one so heinous as this, will curse my soul for all eternity. But Kenrick is probably the closest thing I have to a friend, and I have lost too many of late.

“Lilith, it is okay.” Kenrick’s voice woke me from my emotional turmoil inside my head. “I understand. Just let me boy go, and let them take me. I…need ‘em to live.” His eyes pleading with me as he spoke. ‘I won’t hate yeh or hold it against yeh.”

I started sobbing as he looked at me and said those words, I just couldn’t…do it. I didn’t know what was right or wrong, but I did know the death this child has caused, and how many more he would cause. I know Kenrick just wants his son to live, but at what cost to innocents? Can I have their blood on my hands as well?

In that moment, I made my choice.

It took everything I had to look at Kenrick’s beaten face, to hold his honest gaze for what I was about to do.

“Please…forgive me.”

I jerked up the dagger and pierced it straight down into the child’s chest.

All I can remember were the wails exploding in the air from his father.

[Light]

Kenrick watched as Lilith brought the dagger straight down and into his son’s chest. The blood began to pour down his meager chest, the crimson river flowing steadily. Kenrick felt despair rip open his heart and crippled him to ground when Lilith withdrew the blade and the boy plummeted to the floor. Her hands were wet with blood…his son’s blood.

How could she do that? He could have fixed him. It was due to these…beasts that his son was the way that he was. Why didn’t Lilith see that? They corrupted her just as they did to his son, his precious Allen.

Kenrick reached down and scooped up his little boy, the blood pooling around his dying body. It was sticky and warm to the touch as it flowed out the front and back wound. The tears pouring out of his eyes as we caressed his face with bloody fingers.

Allen only had a smile on face, almost as if he was embracing Death’s clutches. Kenrick could hear the commotion going on around him as the dark elves pounced on Lilith. It seems what she did was not a part of their plan.

Lilith kneeled frozen, blood stained hands outstretched in front of her. She had glossed over expression and tear soaked skin, almost in a stupor from what she just did. She slowly pulled her head up, closed her eyes, and faced the ceiling, chanting something indescribable.

Perhaps she was asking for forgiveness, Kenrick did not know nor did he care. He just continued to rock his son in his arms, rage and loss pulsating throughout his core. He didn’t even care if Lilith died or what happened to him, his precious son was just ripped from his grasp by who he thought was his friend.

The dark elves swooped in and grasped Lilith’s out-stretched arms, violently pulling her to her feet. They shook her and began screaming profanities at what she just did. Her expression did not change, she still stared up into the ceiling, quietly chanting. They threw her against the stone walls hard enough to knock some trinkets off the ceiling. Sterling, the leader, yanked her from the floor and held her firmly by the throat.

“Why did you do that!? That was not a part of the agreement elf!” He screamed at her. Lilith gaze did not falter from the ceiling, blood from Allen stained her clothes and face. It was like she was not even there anymore, “You and your little friend will pay for you insolence! Oric grab my sword and kit! Let’s teach them what it means to double cross us!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where am I? Am I dead?

I awoke to find myself in a dark pit, there was no light, no noticeable structure, just darkness. I pulled myself off the floor and turned around in circles, fear gripping my consciousness. The last thing I remember is Kenrick’s eyes, pleading me to not plunge the dagger into his nefarious son.

No one would deserve it better. I have done nothing but kill and betray since my banishment. I deserve internal suffering for all eternity for the sins I have committed.

I began to run, run anywhere. Escape, hide I do not know. Shouting and pleading for someone, anyone to hear me. A bright flash of light blinded me to my right, my hand flew up to shield my sight. The light began to dim and I noticed a small mirror floating in the air.

Odd.

I slowly began to stride up to the mysterious mirror. It had gold, ornate carvings around the frame and stood about 4 ft tall. I walked up to it and my fingers traced the beautiful markings on it. My eyes caught my reflection and horror took hold of me.

I looked bruised, battered and beaten. My cheeks were sunken and worn looking and my silver locks were ratted around my slight frame. But my wounded body is not want struck true fear into my bones.

My eyes…were completely black. Demonic even. Just endless, black pits… and there was a wicked grin on my lips.

“Who are you?”

“I am you, Lilith. I am all that rage, hate and revenge that you are holding in. What you are trying to mask.”

I began to back away from the mirror, “No…no you’re not!” Panic sunk into my voice and I turned to run, but was stopped by a figure standing in front of me.

It was my reflection…it was me.

“You can’t run and hide from who you really are, Lilith.”

“You’re not me!”

My figure began to pace around me, that pure evil smile on her face. “You know you have felt me, deep inside of you. Slowly eating away at your core. I am what has saved you from the trails you have faced. The Berre, Baurg, the Dark Elves, and even Damon.”

“No, that was me.” I closed my eyes tightly and kept telling myself she is not real, over and over again.

“You just keep lying to yourself Lilith. This is who you really are! Why fight me when you can just let me in?” She whispered into my ear, tugging at my hair as she passed. “You know you want to. I can feel it.” My other-self stopped in front of me and grasp my chin harshly causing me to snap open my eyes.

“Look at who you truly are, Lilith. I can give you power, strength and no fear. Just let me in.” He fingers grazed over my check, the icey fingers reminded of Death’s grasp. “ I can help her Amra back.”

My eyes flicked toward her, and I could feel my will draining. I did promise to do whatever I could to get Amra back, that may even mean letting something in, I do not fully understand. True power.

“If I do this, you swear to help me get Amra back.”

Her smile gleamed, but there was a hint of darkness on the edges. “Of course. You know you can only really depend on yourself. Let me help you.”

I could feel the danger in her words and actions, but I am running out of options. The last thing I remember was killing the Dark Elves meal ticket, I am sure Kenrick and I are dead unless I do something drastic. I guess this is that moment.

“If you swear to help Kenrick and I leave this place, unharmed. As well as I get Amra back, I will agree…”

A malicious laugh emerged from her lips and her hands clasped together.

“Deal.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Light]

Kenrick felt his son being ripped from his grasp as the dark elves dragged his fighting body towards the center of the room. His wails echoed along the rocky walls as he continued to try and clutch his dead son’s hand. Sterling continued to slam Lilith into the fireplace wall, she had blood gushing from multiple head wounds, but still she did not move.

“Have you no final words, Elf?! You just sentenced your good friend to his death and still nothing?!” Sterling screamed. “Once we are done with him, you can forget about a quick death for yourself!”

Lilith continued to stare into the ceiling, just, mumbling incoherent words. Kenrick did not care that Lilith sentenced him to die, he wanted to be with his son. He embraced his fate and welcomed Death’s escape from this wretched world. He was nothing more than drunk until his son come into this world. He had no ambitions, no hopes, he just wanted to know when he would get his next drink. And Lilith just plunged her dagger into his savior’s chest.

He knew his son had darkness inside of him, everyone does. Does that mean he deserved death and not sanctuary? He could have fixed him, he just needed to remove him from this wretched place and take him somewhere where they could live their lives in peace. To have him taken away like this…it was more than Kenrick was willing to endure. He was trying to understand why she did it, why she would not listen to his pleas? What did Sterling mean she had to made a choice?

Kenrick’s attention snapped back up to Sterling flinging Lilith onto the ground and wrapping his hands around his delicate throat. She didn’t fight back, maybe she has given up too? He felt arms thrust him to the ground and knees hold him to the ground, belly down. He saw the other elves withdraw a great sword from its sheath. It had elaborate markings on the handles and gems glistened against the dim lighting. It was a magnificent looking weapon.

“Come here and hold down the traitor, Norwick. Maybe she will talk once she watches her friend die?” Sterling’s hands ran through his disheveled hair as he picked himself from Lilith and brought her to her knees, facing Kenrick. Her eyes were still closed, but her head was down and her chanting seemed to have ceased. The dagger used to kill Allen was placed next to Lilith jugular and Kenrick was hoisted up onto his knees as well. He felt the cold steel graze his exposed neck and his breath was calm. He knew one day this would come and he did not fear Death, for he knew he would see his son very soon.

“Any final words, Khazad?” Sterling hissed out. He held the blade steady and ready to claim the dwarf’s life.

Kenrick inhaled slowly and exhaled, “I forgive you…Lilith. I may not understand why yeh did it, but perhaps we will meet in the afterlife and you can explain. I don’t want to meet my maker with hate in my heart.”

With Kenrick final words, Lilith’s eyes flashed open. But they were no longer her normal deep steel colored eyes, they were…pure black. A villainous grin danced on her lips and she slowly picked her head up.

“What the Hell?” Sterling shocked tone matched the others. The fellow dark elves took a step backward as they stared at her. Kenrick felt his heart freeze with fear as he stared at his companion.

“Well, now that is not very nice.” Lilith’s tone was wicked and acid danced on her words. Her hand snapped up to the dark elf’s dagger and quickly broke his wrist with a flick of her wrist. He yelped out in pain and dropped the blade, which Lilith’s fingers gently wrapped around the handle. “You know you really should not let your guard down around your enemy.” With a blink, she appeared behind Norwick and snapped his neck like a fragile twig. He instantly fell to the ground, dead.

“You are not…normal.” Sterling sputtered out. His hands around his sword began to shake as Lilith turned to him with a dangerous look upon her face.

“You are perceptive, I will give you that.” Lilith spun the dagger in-between her fingers and she glared at Sterling. “Now I will give you to the count of 3 to let go of that dwarf, or I will begin taking off limbs.” She began pacing back and forth in front of them, “Make your choice, Doctor. I do not have all day.” Her smile gleamed at him, evil at the edges of it.

“One…”

One of the elves charged her, his blade ready to plunge into her chest. Lilith’s speed seemed to be on another par with them for within in an instant she was behind him. Her dagger slicing open the veins in his neck, blood bursting through the open wound.

“Tsk Tsk. You really should know when you are outmatched, spawn.” Blood dripped from her hands for her latest kill. “This would be so much easier if you just gave me the dwarf and we could be on our way. No more spilt blood.” With that, Lilith licked the fresh crimson fluid from her fingertips.

Kenrick’s stomach felt like it was in knots from the sight. This was not the Lilith he has come to know, this Lilith was, a demon.

The other elves began to quiver and some fled from the room. “Stand your ground! She is still mortal and you can always kill mortals. This is just a ruse to get you scared.” Sterling’s voice cracked as Lilith continued to lick the blood from her hands.

“Yummy. How delicious you all are.” Her pitted eyes showed no emotion, as she flipped the dagger in her grasp. “I am growing impatient here. Two…”

Her eyes darted around the room as she assessed the looks upon their faces. “She is bluffing. She will not be able to kill us all.” Sterling brought his sword up over his head as he began to make his death strike on Kenrick’s neck. Lilith saw his eyes close shut as he prepared for the final blow. Her expression was bored as she called forth her black flames. Small bouts of fire, black as the depths of Hell, wrapped around her frail wrists. The flames did not burn her flesh, but should they touch her target, it is an inextinguishable flame that will consume all that it touches.

With the ‘good’ Lilith stilling fighting inside of her, she was unable to produce a larger flame, so this will need to do. She also was not sure how long she could keep control, her other self was fighting very hard for control again. She smirked at the thought, soon she won't need to do this 'sharing' thing.

Poor normal beings, if they only understood her speed was that of 2X’s theirs. They simply did not have a chance against her.

She watched as Sterling swung his blade down, her muscles reacted and she flashed beside Sterling mid-swing. His eyes flashed fear as her dagger whipped up and sliced straight though one his forearms, her Hell-fired fingers shoving him against the rocky stoned wall. She kicked Kenrick out of the way from the falling blade and he fumbled across the ground. The sword clanked to the ground where Kenrick once sat, he eyes wide open and full of fear.

The crowd behind her began to wail and all booked it out of the room they were in. Her head whipped toward Sterling, who was missing his right arm and the flames licked around his shoulder where she had touched him. Tears began to fall from his eyes at the immense pain he must be suffering and all Lilith could do was laugh. “Oh hush. I did warn you.” She clasped her hands together as her laugh danced around the room. She walked up to Kenrick and hoisted up off the ground and to his feet.

“ You…You are the devil!” Sterling voice was hysterical as he watched his remaining arms being consumed by the flames. He began to wither around in pure agony along the stony floor.

“No need to pay me a compliment, Sterling. The Devil has a special place reserved for you. Do say hi for me.” Lilith winked at Sterling as tears poured out of his eyes. She turned and faced Kenrick, who was backing up quickly to the wall, pure horror on his face. “Oh, not you too.” Her hands at her hips, “I promised your precious Lilith I would be nice to you.” A twisted grin on her expression as she stared at him.

“I won’t go with you, demon!” Kenrick spat back at her. Liltih puckered her lips and brought her fingers to her chin.

“You don’t really have a choice I am afraid, Dwarf.” With that, Lilith scooped Kenrick up from the ground and flung him over her shoulder. She made a huffed sound from his weight on top of her and Kenrick began to fight her hold. “Listen, either you come with me whole or not! Make your choice!” Kenrick was heavier than she thought and this noodle-elf body has almost no upper body strength.

Kenrick stopped fidgeting and Lilith slowly brought him back to the ground. “I am not your enemy today, Dwarf. Piss me off though, I will have to break my little promise. Got it?” His arms where crossed firmly over his chest and he only nodded his head. “Good, now let’s get you out of here.”

"You're not going to leave me here like this!?" Sterling screamed out.

Lilith turned her head, and returned his question with a malicious smile, "What, you expected a quick death?" She let out a spiteful laugh as she closed the door behind her.

[Light]

My head was spinning and I felt nauseous as my eyelids fluttered open. I felt groggy and extremely sore as I tried turning my head to see where the heck I was. The room smelt of metal and antiseptic and my body covered in bandages. My eyes slowly shift around to my surroundings, there was a large curtain wrapped around my bed and I was hooked up to machines. My heart was steadily ticking on the monitor next to me as well as some other odd numbers I could not discern.

I was in a …hospital? How the heck did I get here? The last thing I remember is:

Oh god, Kenrick’s son!
My dagger, his blood.
Those elves…
Demon me…


I heard a small knock on the door and I harshly whispered, “Come in.” The handle slowly turned and a Khazad nurse waltzed into the room. She had short cropped hair and sasuage like fingers.

“Oh! Good to see your awake, dear. We were starting to get worried about you” She had a warm tone to her voice, “How are you feeling?”

My eyes blinked several times as I thought about her questions. All the muscles in my body spoke as I moved, my head was throbbing and my heart was…broken. “Alive, it seems.” I grimaced as I shuffled up to a sitting position in my bed. “How did I get here and long have I been out?”

The nurse was checking my vitals and scribbling on her notepad, “Oh, about 3 days. Your little friend was practically dragging you in here! Seems too many drinks and you missy get into a whole lot of trouble!” She let of a small chuckle as she continued her examination on me.

Too many drinks? Did Kenrick drop me off here and use an excuse that I was in a bar fight? My head started to spin as I tried to remember what happened. But I only got flashes of bodies and blood in my vision and I could hear my heart rate accelerate. “Was my friend….okay?”

“Now calm down, miss. No need to be concerned. He was a little beaten up himself, but he refused to stay. Said he had somewhere to be and sculled off. He did however, leave you this.” She pointed to a large package with a note on the nightstand next to my bed. “Told me to tell you to open it when you woke up.” She pushed some fluids in my IV and flashed me a warm smile before heading off. “ Just buzz if you need anything, dear.” And with that, she closed the door behind her.

My hands shakily reached for the small note on top of the package he left me and I opened it:

Dear Lilith,

By the time you are reading this, I will be long gone. Do not look for me or try and find me. I need some time to be alone and think about the things that happened with you and me. I just keep playing everything in my head, trying to understand why you…did what you did. When your blade sunk into my boy’s chest, it was as if you did it to me instead.
While I thank you for getting me out of the mines, I would have preferred if you left me there to die with him. But your…’other self’ pretty much dragged me through to the exit. I do not know what happened in there with you , it was as if you were a different person once those…eyes came out.. Something…dark lives inside you, lass. Perhaps that is why you chose the way you did, I do not know. I do know that I need to be as far from you as possible right now.
I know you care for me and I do for you, but it is better this way. I need time to sort out my thoughts and you need to come to terms with what lives inside of you. I don’t know if you remember our escape, but trust me, that will be better for you in the long end. Just promise me that you will take of yourself, alright? Should we run into paths again, maybe we can sit down and talk about it if enough time has passed. Perhaps that will allow me to understand.

Kenrick

PS: The package beside you is your payment for your services as promised. Take care, elf.

Tears landed on the page and smeared some of his writing, my fingers shook as I re-read his letter over and over again.

Other me? So, it all wasn’t a dream.

Kenrick is gone and I cannot blame him. I looked him in the eye after he begged me to pick him over his son, and I plunged the dagger into him anyway. What kind of monster am I?

I crumbled up his letter and threw it on the ground as I felt the tears fall. I should have died down there. Did I make the right choice? Was killing that boy really the right thing to do? My head spun and I slammed my fists into my skull, trying to understand my choice at the time. I always seem to choose wrong…

My arms brushed against the smooth brown package and my gaze fell down onto the large payment. I gently picked it up and felt the weight in my hands. My fingers slowly etched along the paper, opening up the edge and my breath caught. The black and red limbs outstretched before me, solid iron and beautiful. It was a machine compound bow that I could only imagine I would own in my dreams. My fingers traced along the smooth finish and I saw droplets of water hit on the cradle.

It was…my bow. The one I was eyeing in Bow’s and More shop. My eyes overflowed with tears as I looked at the masterpiece of craftsmanship that lay in my lap. I did not deserve this! What was he thinking? I small note fell out of the corners of the paper, my fingers opened it and read inside.

Don’t go saying you don’t deserve this, Elf! You did get me in and out of those mines and I am a man of my word. Do what you want with it, but my debt is now paid to you.

Kenrick.

My heart dropped to the floor and I felt sadness over take me again. I laid back onto the bed and held my bow close to my chest. I cried until darkness slowly started to creep into my vision and my chest ached from the emotions I had put it through.

You may think your debt is paid to me, Dwarf. But I promise you I will hunt down every dark elf in this place until they all pay for what they did to us. I won’t rest until I see them dead. You have my word on that.

With that thought, I closed my eyes and allowed the darkness to consume me.

Visions of corpses, blood and black eyes danced around my dreams as the vines of darkness that I have been hiding finally bloomed. I knew that this adventure possibly changed me forever when I allowed ‘her’ in.

The consequences from that were only just beginning.



OOC: View of the bow: http://www.designcot.com/wp-content/...ew-660x400.jpg

[Cards of Fate]

Thread Title: The Demon within
http://www.althanas.com/world/showth...-and-the-Dwarf
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Light

I am dreadfully sorry about the long wait on this judgement, it is inexcusable and completely my fault.

Plot: 12/30

Story - 4/10: The plot for this thread on paper reads rather long and I bring it up to serve a point. While your story has a beginning, middle, and end, you seem to wander a little bit as you tell this story. Your exposition was strong, but incredibly heavy-handed. The rising action of your thread brought more and more details into the plot and definitely drove towards an interesting climax, but it’s at the peak of your thread you lose the reader. I had a hard time determining which event was the climax, you kept throwing twist after twist to the plot and whilst some of them (Killing Kendrick’s sadistic son etc) enhanced your ending quite nicely, others such as Lilidith’s other side whilst seeming important came off as a bit of a distraction. I constantly found myself asking things such as “How is she going to continue on after this post?” or “When does the falling action start?”, and you don’t seem to have much falling action/resolution to your plot at all.

While it’s a fun read in the future I would advise against trying to do too much in one thread. Having watched your character develop across a few threads this one seems to rush things rather quickly without truly having its own well-crafted sub plot.

Setting- 4/10- It seems every scene gets a decent amount of detail and cover to allow the reader to form a clear picture of what is happening. That’s about where the detail stops. It felt like you were concerned more with the story and what you were trying to tell the reader, rather than what you were showing the reader. Almost every scene seemed to have a backdrop to it with varying degrees of depth. For the fight in the desert against the sand man it felt something akin to a pokemon fight where Lilidith and the sand monster seemed to square off whilst Kenrick set up a trap that the monster stepped into. It’s flat and doesn’t tell much about what’s going on, and because of some pacing issues I had no idea if you were even right outside of the town or not.

You did do an excellent job in the start of your thread with the inn. \Out of all your backdrops this one felt the most detailed and woven into the story. Had you woven in some of the sketchy bar characters you described coming back as villains or allies it would have been an incredibly well written scene. Just remember that when you bring a setting in to try and have your character interact with it so it doesn’t feel simply like a prop in a play.





Pacing- 4/10
Pacing was a rather prominent issue in this thread, and it felt like it dragged several other scores down.. Your transitions from scene to scene felt weak most of the time, and the end result was dragging your reader jarringly from plot point to plot point. It felt like Lilidith was too quick to accept a job with minimal details from a stranger, and from there the plot raced on full throttle. Had you slowed down you could have painted a better picture of where your character was and what they were doing. My main example of this point is the fight with the sandman. I had no idea how long they had been walking or how far they had made it from town and this hindered my ability (as the reader) to paint the scene in my head.

Almost everything that happens once you enter the cave is one big slew of event after event and after a bit I had grown to understand that some time had passed between two encounters but it didn’t feel that way at all. In general this entire thread felt rushed out the door and it suffered for it.




Character: 13/30

Communication- 5/10
I never really had to struggle to understand what you were trying to convey through your characters and their actions which was rather nice. Your characters were easy to read, but almost TOO easy to read. I also found at certain moments that the dialogue just felt awkward and forced. Your characters had very little in the way of subtlety and it seemed like they wore their personalities on their sleeves.

In terms of actual dialog your lines felt borderline cheesy when it came to half of the things Kenrick said. He felt like this dwarven stereotype up until the very end and it felt distracting. Some of his lines felt completely out of context for the conversation, and he never reacted to what I interpreted as rude actions from Lilidith either. On this note, all of your villains’ lines felt copied straight out of a “Generic Villain Dialogue 101” book.

In regards to this I would suggest that as you write your conversations imagine yourself actually having that conversation in real life (even reading them aloud to yourself may help). If it feels awkward you should try to rewrite it in a less awkward state.





Action-5/10
This thread was well written in regards to actions and what your characters were doing. I never really questioned what was going on or who was doing what and why. Everything seemed to mesh well with how you present your characters. However it seems like a lot of the fighting and subsequent “gore” seemed to be simply splattered in for shock value.

You tried to present Lilidith as this girl teetering on the edge of this dark chasm as she was peeing into the void, and you really tried to work that into this thread, but with mixed results. As a reader I never picked up on any signs of restraint from Lilidith in her actions. An excellent way to have gone about this was to have her hesitate before landing several killing blows, or show some remorse over a body after a fight. You did a lot of telling but not a lot of showing when it came to this internal struggle.



Persona- 4/10
I got a clear idea of who your characters were from the get-go, which was nice. It seemed from the start that you were doing an excellent job building conflict and tension through Lillidith’s thoughts and concerns, and how Kenrick seemed to be rather vague about the details of the job. Over time though the opposite seemed to happen. While you brought more and more depth to your plot, your characters seemed to stay flat. Kenrick was a doting father the entire time, and Lillidith dove headfirst into violence throwing a lot of that inner turmoil she seemed to be having into the wind.

It felt like at some point you sat down and said "I want this character to be this" and maybe came up with a few ideas to demonstrate that but then never shaped the character further. The biggest problem was in the conclusion of your thread. Kenrick seemed perfectly fine buying a bow for a stranger who he'd just watched have some form of psychotic and possibly demonic episode kill his son and their captors. Ignoring the episode for now, Kenrick had been playing a rather doting and devoted father the entire thread, solely focused on saving his son regardless of the cost and was even willing to look past the cruelty of his boy's actions. It makes no sense for him to do her any favors at all, aside from a rather sudden realization that his son couldn't be saved, but given the pacing there didn't seem to be much leading that way.

Commit to the persona you've picked for a character, and if you are going to have them change, show it through conflict and dialogue, not just sudden endings.

Prose:12/30

Mechanics- 4/10
Most of your mistakes that I discovered seemed to be hasty mistakes involving punctuation and a weird use of the ellipses. There were several times where you only put two periods or “..” which actually stopped me for a moment and forced me to go back and reread a bit until I understood its intended meaning.

You also have some redundancies in your writing in terms of repeating words a lot. A key example would be in post five in which tentacles “…burst from the ground…” and then “….ripped [Lilideth] from the ground…” and when she broke free she “…plunged to the ground…” While there isn’t anything grammatically wrong with this, it does detract from your writing a bit. It distracts the reader slightly and can throw off an immersed reader.

Ultimately there were a number of basic mechanical issues sprinkled throughout the thread, and could have been easily caught with a copy paste to a word document. While this cannot catch all of your mistakes, I found several instances where you accidentally shifted tense.


Clarity- 4/10
You did a relatively solid job at making sure your thread was relatively clear of major hold ups when reading, however you had multiple spots where I found myself rereading a section for a myriad of reasons, the most common being your use of ellipses. If you're going to use them make sure they are a full "..." and not a ".." or a ".," etc. As a reader these tripped me up every time and forced me to stop and determine whether that was supposed to be a period, a comma, or an ellipses.

Aside from that it is incredibly important to always stop and reread a section aloud to yourself to check the flow. If something sounds funny look at it closer and try to figure out why, you might be missing a comma or need to break the sentence up a bit more. Many mechanical issues can be solved this way, and it can also help with the pacing of your story as well.

My final note here is your use of the term “khazad” interchangeably with dwarf. Every pass of this word tripped me up as a reader. Finally after a while I inquired about it with a loremaster to see if it was an actual canon thing, only to find out it was a term of Lord of the Rings, or at least a reference of it. While the site does not have specific rules against this sort of thing, it can easily break immersion in your thread and break flow when someone who first sees it.


Technique- 4/10
Your use of first person was an interesting touch, allowing the reader inside of your character’s head and offering a lot of insight with your character and her struggles, however at times you faltered with this (notably in the very first paragraph of the first post.) On top of this you used some pretty strong imagery at times which did help build your scenes, but there were times where it was absent and could have fleshed out a scene better.

You attempts at using the ellipses to create dramatic pause were noted, and had they been done correctly they could have spiced up your writing a lot. You just need to make sure you have them used sparingly and correctly to their full effect. Another way to achieve a similar to effect would be to add line breaks to separate a sentence from the rest of the text and draw the reader's attention to it.

Wildcard: 7/10
A good start for sure with lots of great traits, but plenty of room to improve. I would focus heavily on the structure on your stories from here out and what you want to do with them, making sure you don’t try to overburden/convolute your plot. I would also really focus on your dialog and try to make things feel more natural.


Final Score: 44/100

Light receives:

1,162 EXP!
160 GP!

For the bow I would like you to start a bazaar thread linking here and work out the price with them. I need a few more details on what it's made of etc

Congratulations!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Congrats on Level 2!