~I, the hunter.~

[~Humphrey_Nonyton~]

Holy...shit...

Humphrey thought to himself. I now understand the full nature of those things. Their influence must be destroyed...I must win! He had only an inkling of the truth behind those gauntlets...they likely had done something to the stranger that augmented his native power greatly. Humphrey's body continued to glow, and he had the reserves of Chi Pool at his disposal if need be. But the Warder was going to be even more cautious as was the nature of the fox kind. Now that I have more knowledge of my enemy...I cannot continue to make careless mistakes...he has an advantage at the moment. But I can fall back on my Warder training. Humphrey shook his head and ceased the chanting that had overcome him briefly. His dark eyes reverted back to their normal hue, and the young hunter knew he needed to make something happen. All of the symbols on his enchanted weaponry glowed with power at that moment, and he had two of his own items on the ground. The dagger was nearby. He walked towards it and collected it.

He picked it up with his injured arm...he was still bleeding from that.

Humphrey quickly sheathed the extra dagger in it's appropriate scabbard, and then soon sheathed the other one. His eyes darted to where the wakizashi sat on the ground...symbol glowing with holy power. That's good my friend. You did your job well, I will collect you again as soon as I am able to. Humphrey shook off the pain as best as he could...there was still a job to be done. The Warder was still well armed but it was then that an idea dawned on him. Humphrey adjusted both hands and extended his claws to their full length. He assumed a loose and aggressive combat stance, and prepared to attack. The kitsune stood in a half crouching position before he darted towards the stranger. I have to take a gamble and maybe catch him off guard. He has to be as tired as I am... Or so Humphrey thought and assumed.

Humphrey darted forward at best speed.

The acrobat quickly covered the ground that sat between himself and the stranger. Humphrey's claws were chitin sharp, but that would suffice against the unarmoured man. As soon as Humphrey was within striking distance, his body still glowing with the light from within, Humphrey did the unthinkable. With his left hand he leaned backwards, muscles bunching up beneath his fur, and suddenly slashed forward. But it was where he slashed that counted the most. He aimed an angry, elegant strike...controlled strike...towards the man's face! At that point he was no longer just attempting to kill the stranger. I'm going to cut you...you will not enjoy this. There was a sudden aggressive expression on Humphrey's face that hand't been there before. It was almost frightening to behold. For the first time in the battle...Humphrey was sincerely angry. Humphrey's attack got closer and closer to the gruff stranger's face. It was an attempt to cut...and begin the process of turning the battle in Humphrey's favour.

Inadvertently, the rush up to the stranger's position brought him closer to his awaiting sword.

Humphrey had to wait and see what the stranger would do in reaction to his attack.

He'd completely committed to it.

[redford]

John thought he’d won the upper hand when his opponent sheathed his weapons, presuming that his skill with bare hands was superior. And it may have been, but he was still a bit dazed as the stranger lunged forward, claws outstretched. Pain bit the left side of his face, and he reflexively jerked his head to the right. He followed the movement, as one of his teachers had shown him, spinning his right foot around, turning his shoulders clockwise around the outside of his opponent’s outstretched arm.

Follow the movement, and every strike becomes open to counter.

His elbow connected with something solid, and he swept a leg out, trying to catch his opponent’s legs unawares, hoping that he was reeling from the blow, wherever it had landed. He had already lost sight in his left eye, he needed to finish this battle, and fast. He caught sight of the fox on the ground, and fell on top of him, planting a knee on his left arm, pinning it as agony pierced his shoulder, just under his collarbone. The fox had his sword pointed up and through John’s shoulder, blood flowing down the blade and pooling at the hilt. He was losing blood, this needed to end now. He raised a fist, and as the blade turned in his shoulder he screamed, bringing the blow down with as much force as he could muster, intent on ending this.

[~Humphrey_Nonyton~]

Humphrey saw that his opponent was bleeding freely from the fresh gashes across his face.

He was on the ground a few moments later...but he had a satisfied expression on his face. To defeat the man before him...he would have to dig deep inside of his reserves... It was no longer about a loss or a win. The gauntlets were malevolent in nature, and Humphrey knew that he had to destroy them and their owner. Humphrey held his primary weapon at the grip, his steel katana, and the weapon's symbol glowed brightly with Warder power. Humphrey knew that the light would prevail over the darkness. He had faith in it. He held his weapon against the man's shoulder for a long moment, a sinister smile on Humphrey's own face. He saw the powerful fist coming down, likely to bash his skull in, and Humphrey did the unthinkable. He looked right into the man's eyes and said one word he remember for all time.

"Die." Humphrey suddenly said coldly. And he hoped to the Thayne that the stranger would realize what a stupid mistake he'd just made. Humphrey adjusted his body weight with best reflex capacity, the man was huge after all, and yelled the second spoken part of his words. "Die! By the Thayne, die damn you!" He pushed his weight against the sword, and acted in a cruel and decisive matter. He moved his body weight against the stranger's, and suddenly proceeded to rip his own sword right out of the stranger's shoulder's effectively tearing him apart. If it worked. He could already feel the initial fist assault against the side of his head. The stranger was also intending to finish him off. Humphrey would have to prove more lethal...more precise. As he countered the man's desperate maneuver he waited to see the full effect of what he'd just done. He'd attempted to rip his steel sword right out of the man's shoulder. It was no longer about the gloves. Humphrey was simply determined to walk out of there with his life intact. And that determination brought forth a swelling of emotions from deep within Humphrey. He could feel a numb sensation against the side of his skull, and it strangely reminded him of someone punching a slab of meat.

Despite that, Humphrey focused.

By the Thayne, did Humphrey focus.

He pulled against the stranger with all the hatred, wrath and precision he could muster.

The Citadel was known as a killing field for a reason...and Humphrey would walk out the victor even if it cost him his own life.

[redford]

John felt a tug at the blade in his shoulder as he struck the man below him again.

Use the pain as focus, John thought, fueling an almost furious determination with his agony. He felt another tug at his shoulder, and lost all sensation from his left arm; which fell alongside the two of them, still attached to his shoulder by shreds of mangled flesh. John struck his opponent with renewed vigor as his vision began to go dark, but soon, his strikes became weaker and slower. After a few seconds he was struggling to even keep himself upright as blood flowed from his wounds.

John collapsed forward on top of his opponent as darkness swallowed his vision and he felt no more.

[~Humphrey_Nonyton~]

The heavy man landed on Humphrey presumably knocked out.

Humphrey weighed considerably more than the stranger did, he was able to lift the heavily injured warrior off his body after some struggle.

Humphrey stood up and looked down at the defeated.

Then, he took his sword, the steel kataana, and continued to look at his fallen foe. His mind was clear at that point and he knew what he had to do. Humphrey walked towards the fallen warrior and readied his weapon one last time. He positioned himself so that his sword was directly in front of him. Then, he raised his weapon. With a cruel and decisive moment, the Warder slashed his weapon downward in a specific chopping motion. Humphrey noticed that his Warder symbol was glowing. They all were. That made his current plan of attack that much more important. "In the name of Gingitsu you have been Warded." Humphrey said calmly and slashed downward...he meant to chop the stranger's head clean off his neck.

***

Time passed.

Humphrey was getting treated for his injuries in the medical ward.

It'd taken approximately a week for the kitsune hunter to fully heal from his injuries.

Standing in front of Humphrey was the master dwarf that was his handler.

"You're starting to like this." The master dwarf said calmly. There was an amused expression on his face, in his eyes.

Humphrey nodded. He hadn't been able to sleep properly since he'd went into the medical ward to heal. He didn't really need much sleep anyway. Humphrey looked at the master dwarf as several healers and medics worked on the serious injuries that he'd sustained in battle. "That's not entirely true." Humphrey said calmly. "War is life. I don't just like this...I was meant to be here."

The master dwarf looked at Humphrey with a serious expression on his face. "You would make a fine follower of our Thayne of War, Humphrey. Maybe you would consider that path for yourself?"

Humphrey listened to what the master dwarf said for a moment. "I am a Warder. Whatever I do on the side, Warder business always comes first." Humphrey said carefully.

"Then you are interested in joining our faith as an Acolyte?" The master dwarf asked.

Humphrey rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I'll consider it." Humphrey said carefully.

The master dwarf nodded. "Fair enough. See me at the temple after your next battle and we will proceed from there. By the way, he is recovered well if you wanted to know." The master dwarf suddenly said.

"Who has recovered well?" Humphrey asked.

"Your opponent..." The master dwarf said.

Humphrey frowned upon hearing that news. "Let me make one thing clear. He possesses cursed items. I will some day kill him for good and ward those items so they can harm nobody ever again." Humphrey said angrily.

The master dwarf appeared startled for the briefest of moments. "That is unfortunate. But you can do what you must."

Humphrey narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "What was his name?" Humphrey asked.

"He didn't tell you?" The master dwarf responded.

Humphrey shook his head in the negative.

"I cannot reveal that information to you if he didn't tell you himself. Sorry, Citadel policies." The master dwarf said perhaps a bit coldly.

Humphrey merely grinned in response. "No matter, I know how he smells. I will find him another day and finish what I've started today. You mark my words...he's a dead man." Humphrey said coldly.

The master dwarf left quietly. Humphrey found himself with his thoughts and the pretty clerics that were aiding him. A sudden thought formed in his mind. Becoming an acolyte of their belief system doesn't sound like a bad idea. If anything, I can keep tabs on their activities from the inside... Humphrey closed his eyes and allowed the clerics to work their healing arts on him until he was fully recovered.

~Fin~

[redford]

John opened his eyes slowly, looking down at a woman standing to the left of where he lay. The strange itching sensation he felt signaled that she was healing him. He could still feel nothing below his shoulder, but he expected that to change as she did her work. Had he cared enough to notice, John would have thought her exceedingly beautiful. But, the cat’s words stuck in his mind still, like the persisting ring of a bell long after it is struck. He raised his right forearm, eyeing his gauntlet a little more warily than before.

I suppose I never thought about the origin of the enchantment,he thought as the metal rippled a bit in response to his thoughts. Demonic? All John knew of demons was that they were evil, perverted creatures that could only destroy everything they touched. He felt nothing like that from the gauntlets, but that wasn’t fair; he rarely felt anything from the gauntlets at all.

“You fought well, I watched,” the woman beside John said, pulling him from his thoughts.

“I lost,” He said, more to himself than anyone.

She replied quickly, as if she heard this kind of thing all the time. She likely did.“Half of everybody loses in the citadel, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

He looked up at her for a second, then back to his injured arm. It was true, what she said, but it did little to relieve what he felt. Perhaps because it was more disturbing that the powers and nature of his gauntlets were still largely unknown to him.

Maybe it was time to find out more.

The man he’d fought against seemed to know about such things, and with an appearance like that, he’d be easy to find as well. He settled back into the bed, letting the healer continue her work, and thought of where he might be able to find his opponent once he was well again.

[Logan]

~Humphrey_Nonyton~

Plot: 13/30

Story - 4/10 - There’s a story here, I’ll give you that. The gauntlets become the focal point due to their magics, but I never really understood why. You two would do well to go into more detail, more description about why this kitsune creature is suddenly hell bent on destroying these things. I get that it’s the whole Warder/Warden thing, but still, it just comes across empty. It needs more backstory.

Setting - 2/10 - I’m not even sure there was a setting to this battle, like at all. This battle could have taken place anywhere and anytime, and not a single line would have to be changed. There was one moment where I even had to read back in the thread to try to remember where the battle took place (the Citadel) because I swore it had an arena, but couldn’t find any description of it anywhere.

Pacing - 7/10 - I actually liked the pacing of this battle quite a bit. This is the one category where you both actually did well in, and I attribute that to the fact you both do play off each other pretty decently. Everything ebbs and flows in the battle relatively well.


Character: 8/30

Communication - 3/10 - You had dialogue, yay! Unfortunately, it was pretty bad. When I read Humphrey’s dialogue, internal and external, it felt more than forced. It fell flat, and disjointed. At times, it felt like I was watching an Oriental movie unfold in my mind, and all bits of dialogue (narrator or otherwise) were terrible voiceovers from English dubbing. Take more time with your dialogue so it doesn’t fall so flat. Be more mindful of how dialogue is intended to be natural, and not some English dubbing.

Action - 2/10 - Normally, I’d be all about the action in this thread. It was quick-paced, and full of well, action. My problem with it, though, is that it all falls flat. There were ample times for Humphrey to respond in the battle to an attack like a reader would expect him to, and instead he shrugs off every attack as if they never really happened. Now, I don’t mean he doesn’t feel their effect, but this is John, a mutha truckin’ giant of a man. His blows are going to cause something to happen, and instead by your responses in writing, I’d swear he was a 5 foot tall man. Please, be more mindful of the size of the opponent, and don’t shrug them off. It makes for terribly flat reading.

Persona- 3/10 - Humphrey has a persona, obviously. His character ties into the Warder/Warden thing relatively well. The problem, again, comes into how everything just kind of falls flat due to the disjointed nature of how you write. Your goal as a writer should be to invoke a scene that ebbs and flows naturally, not one read aloud by William Shatner on-stage. Unfortunately, Humphrey draws far too close to William Shatner, and it is jarring.


Prose: 12/30

Mechanics - 6/10 - On average, your mechanics are solid overall. While there are minor issues scattered throughout, you do a good job to keep things pretty mechanically sound. I would advise you to use fewer ellipses, and to avoid the significant use of emphasis via italics, as it takes away from your writing. That’s all I can harp on here, so you did well overall.

Clarity - 4/10 - Repeatedly, I had to go back and re-read a line to try to grasp just what was happening or what was attempting to be said. As a writer, this is probably one of the larger faux pas you can make. Also, as highlighted in Prose and Technique, you need to be significantly more judicious in your use of italics in writing, as it also affects clarity.

Technique - 2/10 - When you overuse italics, you lose the power of the emphasis they bring. By the end of the thread, I was ignoring the italics entirely and just reading the writing as if it wasn’t emphasized. Also, in the first post you so heavily point back to the battle with Rehtul, that it becomes overdone to the point where, as a reader, I became disinterested. Keep things simple and to the point. The best thing you can do as a writer is to be concise, and readers will always thank you for it.


Wildcard: 6/10 - You do well to actually write to the style of the audience, so long as we remove the whole emphasis and jarring nature of the dialogue style. Still, it wasn’t a terrible read, but the writing style needs work. As a veteran, there are a lot of things in this thread I would expect to have been cleaned up, but you continue to make the same mistakes. As I mentioned privately, I have further observations, if you wish to read them let me know.


Final Score: 41/100


redford

Plot: 11/30

Story - 2/10 - Unlike where I felt there at least was some story to Humphrey’s time in this battle, with John I wasn’t sure what was really going on story-wise with him. Some additional backstory would be beneficial, and some more hints at who he is would be beneficial. You did well to include the couple of references to his teachings in the art of combat, but they fall kind of flat, much like most of this thread.

Setting - 2/10 - See comments to Humphrey on setting. Nothing additional to add.

Pacing - 7/10 - As I highlighted with Humphrey regarding pacing in this thread, so too does it hold true for you. The pacing is the best part of this thread, for me at least.


Character: 15/30

Communication - 5/10 - You have a reasonable grasp as to who Join is, and how he should speak or think. It comes out in the writing, and it reasonably well executed. I didn’t have nearly the same issues with internal or external dialogue feeling forced, thus the higher score here.

Action - 4/10 - Whereas Humphrey didn’t react to most of John’s blows or attacks, John did to Humphrey’s. Thus the discretion in the scores here. The best part is the blurred vision, though I would prefer to see more emphasis on how that affects his combat such as his depth perception or something.

Persona- 6/10 - John is a big guy, and you do well to highlight that when you can. You tried to play off the differences in stature and height between the two, but by the end of the thread it began to feel like you were fighting someone of relatively the same size as John. I’d like to see more focus on those differences, but at the least you do a good job of keeping to who John is both in dialogue and in action. Keep it up.


Prose: 10/30

Mechanics - 2/10 - There were run-on sentences in multiple posts. There were typoes in a few places. There were sentences that structure-wise just weren’t well put together. I mean, to some degree, this score could be higher to highlight that the thread was readable, but this score is meant to drive home the point of how far you’ve come since this thread.

Clarity - 5/10 - Even with the mechanical issues, your posts made sense, and I only had to read back over a line a couple of times throughout the thread. I encourage you to keep writing with your natural style, as it lends itself to a great read when other areas are improved.

Technique - 3/10 - There was literally no literary technique to the thread. It just kind of happens in a place. There was some nice description of the blows and the pain. I really liked your later posts in describing the amount of blood, but still think it could’ve easily been a bit more artistic instead of matter-of-fact. That hurt you a little as well.


Wildcard: 6/10 - You both do a good job of recognizing who your audience is as a writer and making sure you aren’t writing to suit a different audience. You’ve improved tremendously, and I look forward to reading, or writing with you, again sometime.


Final Score: 42/100



redford wins! Congratulations!

Humphrey Naughton receives 375 EXP and 75 GP
redford receives 1188 EXP and 80 GP

[Rayleigh]

All GP and EXP have been added!