TotF: K-Zu-Ziro vs Redford

[redford]

John's kick seemed well-placed, what with all the blood, or at least John assumed it was blood, that was pouring out of it. The jarring kick sent him back a pace, spearing his ribs with pain anew. The insect fell back and the rat began pawing at its face and at his bindings to the larger creature.

John was stepping forward to force the insect to yield as one of the more active members of the crowd, a lieutenant by the looks of her, rushed forward and stood over the thing, grinning broadly. Though John had no special love for his opponent, they did seem to be of a kind, and John didn't appreciate interruptions, especially those that were derisive. She spit on the insect, and John took two steps forward as the insect raised a claw, snapping at the flesh between her legs. John made it to her at a dead sprint, raising a knee toward her chest. She was quite distracted by the blood now pouring from her nethers. He leapt forward, adding more speed to the strike, and John's knee connected with the soldier girl's chest. John felt something break with an unsettling crunch, possibly several somethings, and she flew into the crowd, bowling over several of the closer onlookers.

The sister of Ai'Bron that had been presiding over the fight had largely taken a more administrative role until now, but she stepped forward now. John quickly held out his hands, one palm toward the sister, and the other pointing at the girl he'd tossed from the ring.

"She entered the ring, she is a combatant by Citadel rules," John said. He actually had no idea if that was the case, but it seemed logical enough. The sister halted for a moment, and shifted her eyes from John, to the insect, to the girl, and back again. A smirk touched the edges of her lips, but just barely enough for him to see. She sighed.

"Very well, John Cromwell, but if you refuse to wait for my ruling again, I will have you thrown out of the tournament." She waved her hand, motioning to two initiates who rushed to the girl's side. The fight was back on.

John stepped to the side, away from towering over the creature he'd been fighting. He wanted to win, and if he had to kill the thing, he would, but none of the other matches were to the death. The whole thing stank of secrecy, and John wanted no part of it. Though, hopefully there would be an easy way out. He looked down to the rodent, speaking one word.

"Yield," he commanded, hoping to spare his opponent.

[K-Zu-Ziro]

"Yield!" thought Mux Drik within the intimacy of their shared mental space. "Now there's a word that's always been a favourite of mine!" K-Zu-Ziro took the advice with rapidity and Digsy's meek mind was quickly taken by the fading will of the fallen insectoid. "We yield," the words whistled from the ratty ball with a juxtaposing severity. Whether or not yielding was permitted in this encounter, would be up to Sister Moseley. Nevertheless, K-Zu-Ziro and co. were thoroughly beaten. But so was Awe Ovshi! Futty Bando span with elbows raised and mumbled resentfully through the crowd and towards the next set of good odds.

[redford]

John's gaze drifted up from the insect as its tiny companion signaled their defeat. The girl he'd knocked out of the ring had an initiate beside her, calling for others to help him, The referee was no where to be found at all, the crowd screamed for blood, and the insect had passed out. The scene was one of chaos, and as John began to look for Logan, the sister presiding over the match stepped across the ropes, addressing the crowd with a much larger and more commanding voice than she had a right to.

"Match is OVER!"

The chaos quieted, with shouts and jeers turned to murmurs and grumbles about lost bets. The woman turned to John, speaking.

"I apologize for the disruption, and while your methods may deter in the future, I do not approve of them."

John bowed as two initiates grabbed the slick carapace of his insect opponent, his rodent urging caution as they lifted him to take to the healing chambers. He turned back to the sister and spoke over the vague roar from another ring. Another semifinalist had finally lost.

"I understand, but the match did not exactly conform to citadel rules."

She sighed as the rest of the spectators dispersed, leaving Logan waiting at the ropes, listening on. She spoke quietly, but still with authority.

"I have dealt with the referee in question, and I will deal with the interrupting girl. There are certain grudges against the insect, though I suspect more stem from what he has done, rather than what he is."

John grunted. Just like me, he thought. She continued

"Pay it no more mind, Cromwell. Good luck in your next match."

He could already hear Logan beckoning him to the healer's tent. The pain that he had been ignoring until now resurfaced with a vengeance, and he bent over to favor his injured rib.

Hopefully there wasn't a line at the tent.

[Philomel]

Name of Judgement: TotF: K-Zu-Ziro vs Redford
Judgement Type: Condensed Rubric
Name of Participants: K-Zu-Ziro vs Redford

Commentary:

Plot: 17 - 20

K-Zu-Ziro: Certainly you start the event off exciting, bringing in an unusual reason as to why K-Zu-Ziro is there. With him being captured and this being a form of ‘punishment’ (post 2) it is evident that you considered the general backstory in depth. Further into the battle you took and gave hits, and described well the setting, though it is lost a little in effect after the first post. In general your pacing started off very constructively and gentle, and rose with action, but almost became too fast, so be careful here in the future. Encouragement is made here to try to stretch out your paragraphs, even them up (please see mechanics) and try to invest in making post lengths a similar size. Overall you wrote a good end though, tidying things up with the yield in a humble, honest way.

Redford: You used setting well, describing the people within the arena, and the arena itself a few times, coming back to it within later posts other than your first – although, saying this one might expect more.. Overall you wrote a good beginning and middle, and came to a neat conclusion at the end. The plot was good and exciting, and your pacing was well kept, with good rises and falls with well-spaced paragraphing. Your use of shorter and longer ones help build this, so well done. You could have done with a little more influence of why you were there in the first place, other than to fight, building a background story along with Redford’s journey, however, overall good work.

Character: 16 - 19

K-Zu-Ziro: In general it is hard to define your characters, with the mixed use of Mux, Digsy and K-Zu-Ziro all in one. You do separate them though and create an interesting dynamic between the set, though I would encourage you to concentrate more in future on K-Zu. Your use of action is dramatic and powerful, using your character’s natural abilities within this fight (such as the pincers) to a great extent, and with skill. Communication at times does seem a little sloppy, and in some way it would be better to have each voice more different than the other of your three main protagonists, however when used in this thread it is done with purpose.

Redford: This tournament seemed to be have made for your character, in terms of using your fists and being much of a fighter beyond anything. In that spirit you managed to use your character expertly in the setting and scenario. Using a small amount of communication and large amounts of action you spun a believable story, using the strengths of your character, in literal and virtual terms. The analysis thoughtful processes in post 5 opened up more about the intelligence of your character and used a form of persona. More of a balance would be good, between action and the other segments of character, and I would encourage you to invest in constraining the actual description of your actions as sometimes they can become clumsy in writing, but all in all very good.

Writing: 19 - 20

K-Zu-Ziro: Overall you had a good hold of mechanics, in terms of spelling and sentence structure, however with paragraphing it is a very good practise to set out each speaker in a new paragraph (post 1). It would also help with pacing and clarity to set out your paragraphs with more single-line and short ones – see Redford’s last post for influence. Clarity was only much of an issue in concern to the mixture of characters, although you did manage to write a battle that needed little going back over, making it clear who was the winner. You have a strong ability also to write descriptively, with some beautiful posts, and this is perhaps your strongest skill. The first post you wrote, with the description of the chase was expertly crafted, and I would encourage you to let this certain skill help to improve on your others.

Redford: There were some minor mechanical errors, such as loss of capital letters (end of post 3 ‘…who had stirred a little. “it would be terrible…”’ should be ‘”It would …”’), however the rest was neat and tidy. Clarity was not much of an issue either, in terms that everything could be followed, writing as you do with a clean non-confusing way. In terms of technique you have a good initial hand at it, with a strong last couple of posts that are gripping and powerful, however to improve you could consider investing in some metaphor and similie.

Wildcard: 5 – 5

Overall I felt you two wrote very well together, complementing each other.

End Scores:

K-Zu-Ziro: 57 - Redford: 64

Redford Wins!!!

Rewards:

Redford receives: 1925 EXP and 80 GP
K-Zu-Ziro receives: 435 EXP and 40 GP

They are also to be refunded back their initial moneys of 200 gold for K-Zu-Ziro and 400 gold for Redford for entering the tournament, please. (Request from Hysteria.)

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards have been added!

Additionally, the contestants have been refunded their entry fees for the tournament as requested by Hysteria.