Burning Out

[Karuka]

Karuka hadn’t tried to calm Rayse; she could only imagine his frustration and despair. She’d simply crouched by the pale purple remains of long-dead plants, thinking. Where was the justice in this? Where was the balance? The desert had no mercy, she knew, but she also knew the earth was generous. And she’d felt in her soul that there might have been a way to save this man, or she’d never have agreed to go with him. If she’d seen a futile quest, she’d have simply refused to take it. Rayse was unwise in the ways of nature; he had slowed her down, caused her injury, and taken her far off of her path. He might have been the death of her. A man she’d written off as wicked and self-serving wasn’t worth the risk if there wasn’t a good chance to help him, body and soul.

So why this? Why had she gone so far for a Doitean as Cothromaicht if he was just going to perish at the final step of their journey?

Cothromaicht…

Karuka stood up, walking slowly over the cold sandstone to give her thoughts room to move. “Every element has its afflicted side and its blessed side,” she mused, mostly to herself. Taodoine chirped sleepily at her from under his wing, and she continued. “For earth, it’s Mórshuaitheadh and Tenalach. For water, it’s Bádh and Bronntóir na Beatha. For air, Caoin Gaoithe Ar and Anáil ag Canadh. For fire, it’s Doiteain as Cothromaitch and…” Karuka snapped her fingers. “CroÃ* na Luaith.”

She whirled around to Rayse. “There might be another way t’ save you.”

Rayse shot a side-long glance at her in disbelief, as if she was just trying to make him feel better right before his demise. But he knew she was serious. He wiped his eyes.

“You sure…. took your sweet time telling me…”

“Because it’s the exact opposite of what you want and it’s got more chance of killing you outright than saving you.” Karuka started speaking faster, syllables falling over and nearly merging into each other as her carefully supressed accent fought for dominance, and her hands started moving rapidly along with her words. “You were looking fer this herb t' maybe pull you back from the brink, t' make you all human, t' rid you of th' fire. Th' way I’m suggesting is t' push you through, burn away the rest of you and make you fire. You’d become the element that’s trying to consume you, bond to it as an equal, instead of watching it devour you whole.”

Rayse hesitated. “Would I still be… Alive? Human?”

Karuka waved a hand dismissively. “Being human is your habit, body and mind. You’ll probably still look human, and you’ll still probably have your human desires. You’ll still feel human.” She stopped for a second and sucked in a breath. “And you wouldn’t be dying anymore.”

Rayse took a deep breath, not sure if he was in a daze from his malady or because of how he was feeling. He didn’t care anymore, whatever new existence awaited him was better than this.

“Let’s do it.”

Karuka nodded and planted her feet. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath, letting the cold air of the desert night bite into her lungs like a knife. On the exhale, she let out all her tension, all her fear, all her pity, all her despair. She let herself be empty so that she could hear the desert speak. The cold sands sang of the coming dawn, the dead oasis murmured sadly about Life-That-Was, but deeper than that, quieter, she could hear a hum of power. It surged beneath her feet and rose powerfully just beyond the next dune.

“Bring yer pack. We’ll need it.” Karuka’s eyes snapped open and she grabbed Rayse by the hand, barely giving him a moment to grab his belongings. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t just do whatever she needed to on the spot, but he didn’t question her aloud. She took off running and pulled him along with her, rushing for the spot she’d heard. They were on a leyline, and it converged with another to make as good a focal point as she could desire. With it, she only needed two things: the memory to correctly complete the ritual, and enough time to set it up and complete it.

If she hadn’t cured Rayse by the time dawn broke, he wouldn’t make it to the next sunrise.

[Rayse Valentino]

The convergence was everything Karuka could have asked for. It spread more than six feet across, and would let her do everything she needed without worrying whether or not she could tap into enough power. First of all, though, she sat Rayse down just outside the spot where the leylines intersected and looked firmly into his obsidian eyes.

“Stay here, stay calm. This will take time to set up, and I don’t want you burning yourself out in that time. Don’t you give up on me.” Gently, she took Taodoine from her shoulder and set him in Rayse’s hands. He stared at the bird in a trance. “He might be able to draw off a bit of the fire, if you can’t keep under control.”

That said, she strode to the center of the convergence, Consequence in hand. Quickly but carefully, she carved a circle into the sand and raised her spear to start writing the runes of moving, binding, and sealing. The spear’s electric head crackled and snapped against the million grains of sand in its path, burning clear, crisp images.

Something about the way she wrote triggered a memory in Rayse. “A square goes next, doesn’t it? Then intersecting lines?”

Karuka looked up, perplexed. “I thought you weren’t from a magical tradition?”

He shook his head. “I saw… someone… do one like that once.”

“That’s a child’s circle, to teach them the basics of focusing magic. No one uses it after the age of ten, unless they’re teaching or they’re in a dire rush. This is a specific type of circle, much more powerful, much more complex. Gods help us both if I mess it up.”

She carved out space at each of the four cardinal directions and wrote her runes in the areas between the space. Every so often the barefooted woman would pause to consider which rune ought to go next, but she knew there was only one certain combination that might save Rayse. Other than a few brief moments of doubt, the magical letters flowed from her hands like water down the mountain.

I’d be a lot more confident about this if I still had magic. But if the runes have broken their long silence, with any luck I can still be a good enough conduit for the magic within them.

Faint hints of pink flickered at the horizon by the time Karuka had finished inscribing her magic circle. In the very center, she carefully drew a three with a looping tail, topping it with a swoop and a diamond. She looked at the sky when she was done, red lips flattening unhappily. She had just minutes left, and she wasn’t sure if she could make the final preparations and finish the ritual in that time.

Swift steps took her back to Rayse, and she knelt by his bag. “I need as many of your cigarettes as I can hold in both hands, and I need whatever remains of the whiskey. Then go stand in the center of the circle.”

The urgency in her tone sped his actions, and he handed over the precious items without complaint. If he died, he wouldn’t need them, and if he didn’t, he’d be alive to miss them. When Karuka had what she needed, she juggled the cigarettes into the crook of her arm and grabbed some kindling as well.

While Rayse made his way to the center of the circle, she set the kindling in the blank spaces at the compass points, lighting little fires, then scattered the cigarettes within the circle. “Fire as it is. Fire and earth. Fire and water…” Her hands uncorked the alcohol, and she poured it slowly over Rayse’s head. It ignited in little bursts when it hit the little flames that ever more rapidly spread across his frame.

Will he lose his form first, or will dawn pass us by first?

Like water over hot coals, smoke rose up from Rayse’s form from the booze. He was a self-generated sauna, and every moment he felt himself being released like sweat; bits of himself fading into the wind. His eyelids drooped down, and he felt an overwhelming urge to close them.

“Focus!” Karuka snapped at him. “Keep t’gether for one more damned minute.” At that point, she froze. Back where she came from, they prepared rituals like this for days, and fire and air came from a fine powder that was then ignited at the culmination. She had nothing like that, nor did she have time.

“Fire and air...fire and air…” She bit her lip, casting her eyes desperately for anything that might do. What she finally saw was the brilliantly fledged Taodoine, red and gold and glorious, sleeping on her satchel. “Fire and air.” She nearly pounced on her pet, grabbing one of the feathers on his back and yanking it out. He screeched, fluttering to the top of the dune, and hissed reproachfully.

Karuka didn’t pay any attention to him. She had her final ingredient, and she wasted no time shoving it into Rayse’s mouth, despite the confusion and disgust in his face. Rayse’s flames had reached his shoulders, his neck, and were licking at his hair and head. He had only moments left. Golden glimmers tickled the tops of the eastern-most dunes; dawn threatened more powerfully by the second.

They were out of time.f

[Karuka]

Karuka took a few deep breaths, steeling herself. The cold night air had dissipated, banished by the Cothromaicht’s curse. All that was left was heat and fear and urgency.

Not now.

Her hands launched forward, gripping the half-incorporeal shoulders before her. Burns and blisters formed instantly; the fires consuming him had no compunctions against consuming her as well. Agony ripped through her hands and tore a growl from her throat, but she didn’t let go.

“Ó... aineolas, dom mar thoradh... ar fÃ*rinne,” she rasped. From ignorance, lead me to truth.
“Ó dor...chadas, dom mar thoradh ar... solais.” From darkness, lead me to light.
“Ó bhás, dom mar... thoradh ar neamh...bhásmhaireachta.” From death, lead me to immortality.
“SÃ*ocháin, sÃ*ocháin, sÃ*ocháin.” Peace, peace, peace.

Karuka clenched her teeth, clinging to Rayse with all her will despite her hands starting to burn away, despite the burns starting to spread down her arms, despite the reek of blazing cotton and melting flesh. Tears stung her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall, focused instead on the horizon.

A breath after her last word, the sun burst into the sky like a great bird released from its cage. The fires still burned at the edges of the circle. The man still burned within it.

Nothing had happened.

Rayse sagged in her hands; they had failed and he knew it. He had no more energy to care for her wounds, no time for anything else but to feel sorry for himself.

“Om.”

The incantation's sealing syllable sent a shiver through the circle and quaked the sands around it. Rayse’s flames exploded, connecting to the fires at the edge of the circle, igniting the remaining whiskey and consuming the cigarettes. A roaring tornado of flame erupted into the sky, sucking tons of sand with it. In the center of the conflagration, Rayse and Karuka stood amidst the molten glass. The former’s eyes rolled back into his head, and the latter watched him. If this worked, the flames would be of creation and healing. If it didn’t, they were going to burn together.

As red and yellow danced around them, Rayse’s blurry vision focused for a few moments. Karuka’s form in front of him appeared wholly incorporeal, and the light around him felt reversed, like he was staring at a negative space painting. Various pictures formed in the flames of places he never saw, people he never met. He saw a floating palace, a ghostly library, and a golden compass. Before he could begin to comprehend what was going on, they were gone.

The flames died down almost as quickly as they had started. Rayse opened his eyes to see an open, sparkling cone of multi-colored glass around and above him. Karuka knelt over him. Not a single burn or scratch marred her flesh, and weary relief tinged her smile. He felt solid, no longer out of control. He felt healthy. He felt strong.

He reached up, heart full of welling emotions and mind free of any thoughts. His hands stroked Karuka’s face and ran through her hair, then pulled her to him.

She did not resist.

[Karuka]

It was a celebration of life and living, of victory, of hope. It was catharsis, it was fear melting away. It was passion and possibility. It might even have been love.

At the end of it, they laid naked and nestled together, watching the dance of light and color above them. Sand had worked its way into areas neither of them cared to mention, but otherwise they were relaxed and content. Sweat dotted the redhead’s skin, but Rayse didn’t even feel warm. Even so, he knew it was only a matter of minutes before she needed to set up shade for the day's rest. He could get up and begin the long trek back to Irrakam, but he would wait until nightfall. She'd stuck by him when her needs had been met, and he wanted to stay with her, after everything.

He felt different. He retained his form effortlessly now, even when he wasn’t thinking about it. They’d more than proven that. His touch couldn’t have been much warmer than a normal man’s, or Karuka would have pulled away. Instead, there she still was at his side, eyes lazily reflecting the sky above their lacy web of glass.

His arm started going numb under the weight of her head - he was still human enough for that! - so he adjusted her, pulling her closer and playing his fingers in the silken strands of red hair.

He brought his free hand up, letting flames rise along his forearm. Unlike before, his body didn't threaten to dissipate. He had control of the fire. As if to emphasize that, Karuka reached out and touched his elbow, trailing her fingertips up his skin. He extinguished the flames just ahead of her, letting her chase them until she reached his knuckles. Without warning, he let his whole arm burn again. The blaze was harmless, almost cool, but she still jumped, yanking her arm away. When she realized it was just a prank, she slapped his chest reproachfully. He chuckled as she settled back in.

"You've a long way to go yet, Rayse. When a Doitean as Cothromaicht starts burning out, he's mostly a danger to himself and any fool what tries to help him. If a CroÃ* na Luaith starts burning out, he's a danger to everyone around him, and the dying is a lot more painful."

Rayse's stomach twisted, sending sour acid up his throat. "You didn't say that before the ritual."

"We barely had the time as it was." Karuka sat up slowly, letting the coarse sand bite into her left thigh and buttock. She looked up at the sky, then back down at him. "It's a long way back to civilization. I won't leave you alone in the dark."

[Rayse Valentino]

Waves gently lapped at the docks of Kithdir, with Rayse watching through the window of his room. He had gotten used to the smell of the sea, which was good considering he was leaving Fallien by boat in the morning. The afternoon sun lit up the waters, and children were playing on the beaches nearby. It would be no exaggeration if he described the past two weeks as the best in his life, but all good things had to come to an end.

A gentle weight settled on his shoulder and a slender hand started rubbing his neck. "You're tense."

He turned his head to look at her. The blue eyes that had forcefully struck him still at their first meeting now held some mild concern. "Are you sure you won't reconsider? I'm sure you would be a big help."

Karuka shook her head, sliding her arms around his chest. He brought his hands up to hold hers. "I made some enemies the last time I was in Salvar. It'd be trouble for both of us if I went back so soon. B'sides, we're two people with powerful tempers and very different needs. We'd be sick of each other long before the boat docked. I'd rather part now, with good memories and deep affection, than later with rage and bitterness."

“I see,� Rayse sighed. “Looks like fate isn’t done with me yet, but I swear I’ll break free from its shackles after this. Despite the success of the ritual, I’m still not balanced, and I can feel it clearly now. This incredible power I have is only temporary, and I know I’m meant to use it.�

Since the ritual, his days were filled with restlessness and passion, the power making him think and move faster than ever before. Was it responsible for his happiness? Was it only a fleeting feeling that would pass as soon as the magic ran out?

"This flux, up and down, will ease soon and then level out. You'll come to find a new 'normal.' I have faith that your normal will even be a balanced normal. But if there's something big you need to do... then you need to do it." Her head turned to regard the bright outdoors, but she leaned her cheek into his shoulder. Their time together was dwindling down to mere hours, and she was every bit as aware of it as he.

“I wish I could stay. I only just met you and I want to know so much more, plus I owe you my life. Something terrible is going happen right in my hometown, and while I have no love for the church nor the crown, I do love the land. It’s where I grew up.� Vengeance was also sought, both for the destruction of his home and his livelihood, but he kept that to himself.

"Salvar desperately needs help. I saw it in the faces of its people. I heard it in the tundra underfoot. I hope you make it there before your excess power wanes." She sighed softly. "I haven't had a place to call my own for a long time now, and sometimes that's hard. Just now, hearing you talk of a place you love, I miss Ireland a lot. But I have no place there, either, even if the ways between the worlds opened again. I will have to be content to wander where the wind wills, and call the world my home."

Rayse frowned a little; she was talking nonsense again in that certain tone she had. He spun around and clasped her hands, pressing his thumbs into her palms. “Will I ever see you again?�

Karuka frowned slightly, bringing his hands up and rubbing her cheeks against them. "You have your path you must walk. I have mine. I feel that my path will take me out to parts far, far away from here, to places neither of us have heard about. But if the winds ever draw me back to this part of the world, I'll find you. Caillte or not, I'm still a clairvoyant. So maybe I'll walk your path more someday. But for now..."

She stepped into his embrace, then motioned out the window, to the streets that shimmered with heat. "We still have today. Let's let tomorrow worry about itself, and make the most of this time."

[Karuka]

Four and a half months later...

Karuka gratefully stepped off the boat. Despite having logged months and months and months at sea since arriving on Althanas, she'd never grown to love the water. She'd just learned to tolerate it. More than two months had passed since the previous stop, and she intended to make this one her last. The captain had warned her that this nation, Jalaan, was not a good place for her to settle. She had replied that she really hadn't much choice.

It was beautiful enough. Tall trees topped with broad leaves swayed in the sea breeze. The air carried notes of fruit and spice. Brightly colored fabric adorned buildings and people, and in the distance she could see a large step pyramid dominating the city. The humid heat was slightly oppressive, but that would get worse before it got better. She didn't need to be clairvoyant to know that.

People bustled through the docks. The majority of them were a little bit darker than she was, but of course there were the pale tan people from the continent to the north and even a few white people from further afield. The locals had a sort of restless anxiety beneath their professional dealings, and Karuka could feel the island's tension even through her sandals. Something was at a breaking point.

The phoenix on her shoulder shook and sneezed his discontent, and she reached up to pet him. "Easy there, Taodoine. It'll n-oh! I felt that one." The redhead frowned down at her growing belly, rubbing the site of the kick. Though she was nearly five months pregnant, the fact that the child she carried was her first, paired with strong abdominal muscles, meant that she was only just starting to need new clothes. "Settle in there, Taische. Like I was tellin' Tao, it'll not be so bad. Betcha we find a place t' settle here before you're even born."

Taische. Treasure. Each firstborn O'Sheean was unique; a continuation of the clairvoyant line that carried its founder's name. An O'Sheean's firstborn would always be female, any subsequent children would always be male. She was a treasure to her mother. Treasure - the type that sparkled and signified material wealth - was also among the most important things to this particular baby's father. When they made their way back across the world, when this child met her father, hopefully she would be even more precious to him than gold.

Not for the first time, Karuka wondered if she'd done the right thing by leaving Rayse. While their differences would probably be ruling their interactions more than passion ever had by now, he'd probably have been inclined to provide for his daughter and be there for her. The way he'd spoken of his own father, she couldn't see him willfully making the same choices. The way things were, it would be at least five or six years before they could travel again. Maybe more.

Someday, wee bit, you'll be quite a surprise. And you'll be in for quite a surprise.

With a deep breath and a determined stride, Karuka shook aside the questions of the past. It was time to make a new future, and she bet that big pyramid was as good a place to start as any.

[Gnarl & Root]

Sorry for the delay in posting this!

Judgment Name: Burning Out
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Name of Participant: Rayse Valentino & Karuka

Commentary:

Story: (6 of 10 Points)

The premise was intriguing and Rayse's introduction was strong. This made it easy to get into the story. However, as the story continued, it lost the edge that this reader felt it started with. It went from a mystery adventure to an attempt at a romance between lost souls. Therefore, as you tried to develop a relationship between your characters, things came across rather forced and even random at times. The kiss in post eight, it felt out of place and was put into force the idea of a relationship blossoming between to two.

I also found myself asking questions when certain parts appeared to make no sense. The shopkeeper at the beginning didn't appreciate Rayse at all. Then for no apparent reason, decided to give him information and help. Considering this is what sets you both on your journey, then I should be able to understand the motives behind it.

On the whole, it's fair to say the story and what you have tried to do here, was clear and a decent effort. However, it never really struck powerfully any point, and just sort of happened. Since your focus was on a growing love between the two, the story needed a greater emphasis on how they felt about one another and how/why their opinions were changing. Karuka started to do this, but without a greater backing in other posts, it falls flat.

Setting: (7 of 10 Points)

Setting for the both of you felt like a mixed area. Some of your descriptions were wonderful, and I must quote this as a prime example from Karuka, post seven:

The moon rose high while they traveled, then sank until it hovered just above the horizon. The stars turned overhead, almost bright enough to walk by on their own with the perfectly clear skies and shining sands. At long last, soft pinks and purples painted the edge of the sky, subtle harbingers of the coming inferno. When dawn broke in earnest, it did not do so timidly, as it might have over a more charitable land. Instead the sun burst over the horizon in glorious orange and gold, announcing to any and all that the king had returned to rule with his fist of fire.

The only problem was, I felt this wasn't consistently done. Sometimes setting was neglected, such as Rayse in the shop at the beginning. I didn't have a strong sense of where I was in Fallien, just that you arrived in a shop with crystals on the wall. Karuka brought your score back up, but you were both guilty of it. The collapsing cave in post thirteen was also a missed opportunity with very minimal description. Therefore, I never really got a sense for how scary, or dangerous this collapse was. Often, it was the feeling of the place that was lacking, rather than the description itself. Adding a real sense of feeling using certain adjectives can really bring a scene to life.

Pacing: (6 of 10 Points)

There was no serious problem with pacing on this story, but for the fact, it just felt rather steady. The best rise in tension that stuck in my mind was the giant worm attack. Otherwise, a lot of scenes just happened and didn't really build up with any real feeling (which was your objective). The emotional feeling between the two characters should have been a big focus of the pacing, and since this felt lacking, it brought down the score.

While the general adventure paced okay, I couldn't give you a higher score here because the story ending and relationship build up just didn't make the powerful impact that it should have.


Character:

Communication: (7 of 10 Points)

Both of you portrayed your personalities and feelings much stronger through communication than action or internal thought. Some of Karuka's speeches came out powerful and added the emotion that I felt was missing in posts. Rayse stood out here, and getting a grip of who he is as a person, is strong in his speech.

However, you'd be given a stronger score, but for a few things that felt completely out of place. Post thirteen by Karuka:

“Could we move this?”

Not only did this seem out of character, it felt like the oddest question to ask. I couldn't imagine Rayse considering moving a collapsed cave. Things like this were evident from both of you as you controlled one another's characters. You were stronger when you wrote your own character. If you had focused more on your characters individually I'd have given a higher score.

Action: (8 of 10 Points)

Your action was clean and clear, and I enjoyed the difference between Rayse and Karuka in their fighting styles and beliefs. You were thorough in your characters actions and everything was clear and easy to understand. Pretty solid.

I did, however, find the arrival of the blue cat in post eight rather bizarre. I understood after that it was summoned, but this needed to be emphasized more. The way Karuka wrote it, it just appeared. While there's nothing wrong with something being sudden, the way you did it made it difficult to understand exactly what was going on.

Persona: (6 of 10 Points)

This part was difficult to judge. Individually you expressed some nice persona with both Rayse and Karuka. But because of the fact you failed to engage me in the relationship that you formed, and the lack of emotion behind your characters actions and motives, I couldn't give a higher score here.

Part of this was because when you wrote as one another's characters, which you did a lot of in this thread, they lacked the same quality you wrote as individually. There were a lot of times I found myself asking, "how do they feel about that?" and "why did he do that?"

Also, Rayse appeared to completely change persona in post fourteen.

In this endless desert cellar, Rayse felt more at peace than ever. So what if he was facing inevitable doom? Worrying about it was not going to change anything.

He just suddenly changed, and then his ideals changed. I found no reason at all to why he didn't attack the creature in the cave. You tried to suggest Karuka had made an impact, as his actions were a mirror of hers, but where did it come from? He didn't show any insinuation that she was making an impact on him in that respect. Especially when he supposed to be feeling more like his old self.

There was also various scenes that had me asking, why? Such as post eleven:

Taking a deep breath, Karuka headed towards the water, beginning to disrobe as if Rayse wasn’t even there. While normally he would be all over such an action, he decided not to stick around.

There's a lot of dismissive behaviour, with little to no sign of attraction for a long time. So, why was he being this way? Why did he feel the need to do what he did?

A more gradual build up his opinion changing would have helped dramatically here. Have him question his motives or her decisions. You have the scenes and fights of which to do so, but you didn't take advantage of it. Things just happen in this story, and for love to bloom, then feeling should be present in a strong manner.


Prose:

Mechanics:(8 of 10 Points)

Solid. It wasn't easy picking this stuff out, but there were small errors that crept in, both in spellings and some repetition. So I can't give you a higher score.

Clarity: (8 of 10 Points)

While some of this made for heavy reading, it was mainly clear and precise. Apart from a couple of times, where I found myself re-reading a couple of phrases, all scenes, actions and what was going on, was pretty clear.

Technique: (7 of 10 Points)

There is some beautiful technique used. Some of your similes and metaphors used were well placed and brought some scenes to life. These were used in the right places and was skillfully done so. Yet again, though, your technique wasn't used as effectively in relation to your emotions.

A great example here is Rayse mentioning Karuka's blue eyes. You mention them a lot, and yet they are just mentioned as if to fill in for description. This could have been used cleverly to show not only her beauty, but how Rayse felt about her. Have a read over your posts and think about it. Eyes are a beautiful part of the human body, one we all find attractive, and they evoke a lot of emotions in both the host and the viewer. They could easily have been used to bring out lots of feelings.

An example:

*Again Rayse peered into those same striking eyes. Those beautiful blue hues that seemed to stare into his damaged burning soul. There was something spiritual about them, something that generated a strange feeling within him. A feeling that he couldn't quite understand, something he couldn't grasp with his frail dismissive mind.*

Wildcard: (7 of 10 Points)

There's a lot of strength in both of your writing. It's powerful at times, it's well written, and you have two interesting characters that have a lot to give. The only real problem here was having me believe the relationship of your characters, and that took away from your story. If you wish for further feedback on what I'm getting at in terms of emotion, then don't hesitate to get in touch.

Final score: 70

Rayse receives:
Experience: 2470
Gold: 170

Karuka receives:
Experience: 2750
Gold: 200

Congratulations!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added, and the necessary AP have been removed.