Jack Clancy's Ten Notes

[K-Zu-Ziro]

K-Zu-Ziro, captor, slept. So Mux Drik slept too, recently his dreams had been nothing but snapshots of a place called Earth.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Thread: Jack Clancy’s Ten Notes
Participants: K-Zu-Ziro
Judgement type: Full Rubric

Commentary

Plot

Story – 3/10

The story of the thread seems to be broken down into ten almost vignette-esque pieces, all of which eventually reveal themselves to be a dream of earth experienced by Mux Driks in the brief conclusion at the very end.

Whilst the individual scenes themselves provided some entertaining moments in their own situations, some making for interesting reading, there appears to be a serious omission of continuity in the plot. The story reads, very much as the title suggests, as ten separate and unrelated short stories but with no promises to the reader of a crescendo.

The conclusion of the thread was too short and very abrupt, and on face value didn’t provide the reader with any insight as to how each or any of the ten “notes” would be relevant to K-Zu-Ziro or Mux Driks in any way, or to each other. Even though the conclusion was extremely short, there was a small sense that there was some sort of message or story waiting to unfold as a result of these ten real world scenarios but unfortunately it was never made clear to the reader that this was the case or why.

To counter the issues above, you could have perhaps explained or hinted in the final post (or in snippets throughout) why Mux Driks would be dreaming of earth in the first place, and what possible consequences that may have had, if any, for either K-Zu-Ziro or Mux. I would recommend putting this into practice for any future threads in this style.

Setting – 5/10

The approach to the setting was better than the approach to the story. The reader is whisked through different real-world locations at different time periods, and each of the ten settings has a varying approach. Some of the writing was excellent at bringing the reader into the scene and really getting them to feel like they were present (One example that stands out here is the thrift store scene in post six: “Musty and caked in cigarette smoke, poverty’s distinct aroma could resurrect the monkey on his back. Christian thrift stores had a lot of great stuff, he enjoyed shopping there. But the smell, ugh, the smell”) such as in the thrift store mentioned above and the New York pizzeria, whilst others (post eight, specifically) seemed to lack the effort afforded to other sections of the thread.

The advice here is to ensure consistency of setting throughout a thread by ensuring the places you are describing are all attended to with equal amounts of aplomb. A drop in quality is far more noticeable for the reader when he or she is enjoying a particular place, and is then whisked away to a bland, void-like place in the next scene.

Pacing – 4/10

This piece struggled for a consistent pace throughout. One thing that becomes clear very quickly is that the reader is dealing with ten very different scenarios that each have their own individual tempos. In post five, the short little story about the robbery was quite exhilarating. The reader, however, then feels as if he or she is being pulled from pillar to post as they continue down the thread and into the other separate tales being woven throughout. Whilst I appreciate it is difficult to get consistency in a thread where you are looking at ten entirely different situations, with maybe twenty or so different characters, always try to establish a general consensus on the underlying tempo of the thread. If you are starting off on a fast paced tale, try to carry that through to the end. If you are starting slowly, try to build up momentum of each piece and then finish with a crescendo to keep the reader’s interest.

Character

Communication – 5/10

Each note contained a different story, and the communication between the characters here, if any, depended very heavily on what story was being presented. Posts four and five contained either no or very little dialogue. However, there is some good communication in post three between Julie and James Jones that actually tugs at my heart strings a little (“"I am so ashamed of you." she said, pointedly. "Why?" whined the child. "We might be the only person Mrs Connor talks to today. She lives alone."…"So?"…"It's always nice to chat with the elderly, you never know how lonely they are or how long it's been since anybody even spoke to them.") and while there was nothing particularly complex about the dialogue itself, it was presented in a way that got the reader emotionally involved, and I liked that.

As an area for improvement in this category I would suggest using a little more dialogue throughout the entirety of the thread. If external, spoken dialogue is not suitable, try giving the reader a glimpse of a characters inner workings by showing some internal thoughts. This way you can really bring your characters to life.

Action – 4/10

Some posts, such as the robbery in post five and the stamping of the cockroach in post nine, held their weight well in this category for brief periods, but only brief periods. Especially in the robbery scene, I would have liked to have seen more of the actual robbery in progress, a bit of the sort of “push and shove” that comes as part of the territory with such events. Other posts, such as posts one, two and four, tended to be more subdued in scene and there wasn’t a strong basis for scoring anything other than average in these categories for that reason.

One of the issues experienced with this thread is that the posts tended to all take vastly different directions, and as a result it was often hard to see where you would be able to carry your action well. Even with the unique style of thread taken into account, it would have been nice to see more consistent action in the posts throughout as a whole, rather than being (once again) pulled from pillar to post as the reader. It is understandable that this particular style of thread may not permit this to happen, but all the same it is important to keep a thread consistent in all of its dealings.

Persona – 6/10

This is an area you performed much better on. The characters within the story all had personas unique to their locations and situations, and for the most part you did well conveying their differing upbringings and personalities in each section of the thread. Highlights in this section included Ludovic’s sorrow in post ten, followed by his thankfulness for a simple act of kindness after the grief that has consumed him over the loss of his family.

Another good example of this is the difference in personalities and attitudes displayed between the Joneses in post three, where James’s attitude of wanting to go home and play Mario contrasts heavily with the perspective of his mother. Here, you showed the reader two different character’s views on life that matched their corresponding personas – James, the boy, whose priorities are selfish and short sighted (as they are at that age) and his mother, who cares more about other people and is trying to bring up her son with the same values in life.

To improve upon your personas even more, think about extending some of the shorter sections of your thread to really give the reader time and space to get into the lives and minds of the people you are describing. I would have liked to have read a bit more about Mr Clancy from post one, and his viewpoints on the world around him and the generosity shown to him by the Irish mother and daughter. The same applies to Blossom Mulrooney in post two, who was a little neglected and also Mei in post four. These posts comprised two tenths of your thread and I felt as if I gleaned very little about their characters compared with other sections.

Prose

Mechanics – 7/10

Spelling in this thread was solid. Apart from one or two examples where sentence structure was a little flawed (“Her brown eyes, black hair and brownish skin were a harmony of colours, the natural world had meant to be the complete beauty” should have read “Her brown eyes, black hair and brownish skin were a harmony of colours that the natural world had meant to be the complete beauty”), I found the mechanics were mostly correct. Your use of paragraphing was utilised effectively, which was especially noticeable within the shorter but more dramatic of your posts, as you used varied lengths for effect. Grammar was also correct, except for the example above and the one example in post one (“His workday seat was an upturned fruit crate, the years broke the bite of harsh splinters”) where the sentence should have been phrased (“His workday seat was an upturned fruit crate, where his years broke the bite of harsh splinters”).

Overall I found your grasp of the English language to be very good. You are coherent and use similes and metaphors correctly and at the appropriate times. There is very little else to say on the subject other than “well done”.

Clarity – 4/10

There were a couple of problems in this area that really affected your scoring. The first problem is that the thread completely and utterly wrong-foots the reader from the outset. There doesn’t ever seem to be a clear direction for the thread from post one, and as the reader continues on through the “story” they find themselves more and more confused as to what the actual point of the thread is. Only in the conclusion does it become apparent, and even though I have mentioned it above I would have liked to have seen a lot more said about the dream and why it was relevant to anyone. Sadly, the one-line finale at the end does little to remedy that.

The second problem is one that tends to be a habit of yours specifically: the volume of similes you use to describe an action or a place can sometimes affect the clarity of the writing. Whilst your technique is quite good, you do tend to muddy the waters of your visuals by using more words than you need to. To improve here I would suggest simplifying your writing. It is clear that you have ability, but overusing it can adversely affect clarity, confuse the reader and end up defeating the object of using these wonderful descriptions in the first place.

Technique – 6/10

As mentioned above, you have ability when it comes to technique. The first thing that is likeable about your style is the way you “show” and don’t tell your reader what is happening. The first line of your opening post is a good example of how you execute this (“Jack Clancy's ginger and grey roughage dabbed his cheeks and chin with frank goodwill. So approachable was he, that the breeze spread piss scent of his clothes couldn't taint your encounter.”) and you use similarly strong imagery later in the thread when describing the New York Pizzeria in post seven (“New York City's worst pizzeria lined its walls with filthy tapestries of leather and suede. The fabric in question dressed each greee-zeee driver while he or she leaned all slick on the loose ceramic and its grimy grout.”). All these little similes really come together nicely to make the writing pleasing on the eye, so well done here.

That said, the stumbling block for you on this thread was again the consistency of your writing. Some sections were much better attended to than others, and again my advice would be to sit down and read back through your work. If you get the impression that it seems patchy in places, it’s because it probably is. Work to get the less-attended to sections of the story consistent with the rest of the thread to improve your score here.

Wildcard – 5/10

As a rule, I generally enjoy your writing. Whilst this was perhaps one of your weaker threads, I enjoyed the ten short glimpses into life on planet earth, covering a diverse range of issues.

Total score: 49

Congratulations!

K-Zu-Ziro recieves 865 EXP and 110 GP!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added.