Name of Thread: Anti Gravity Invasion: Althanas Nightmare vs New York City
Judgement Type: Full Rubric
Participant: K-Zu-Kiro
Commentary:
Plot:17
Story: 6
The story is pure adventure and it is very capturing to the reader. Its essential content is a little rough, and could do with more indepth thought and perhaps planning to bring it out, but the presence and development of beginning, middle and end is well laid out. The conclusion of the association with Organical made sense with the death, as it seemed he was weaker in some aspects to Mux, but please see pacing and clarity for more comments concerning story.
Setting: 6
What you did very well in this thread was to open with a in-depth sense of space and place, using sound to bring that to the reader with "a jazzy scratch and a chill beat" (post 1). This shows well an idea of an ability to use many different aspects of the environment to bring about an effective setting. A weakness is that you do not continue this trend, as the focus veers far towards the plot from post 2 onwards, whereas something of the strong opening setting is lost. Try including this throughout your piece, having your characters continuously interract with their environment, be they in a dream or not.
Pacing: 5
You start of wonderfully, with a slow ease in post 1, however after this things become very 'staccato'. With the changing of the scenes and thought paths between initial Org and Mux it is very much broken up and more time spent on each scene could definitely help here. The introduction and separate posts with K-Zu himself seemed to be more thought out and planned, and worked well within pacing. You are a good writer, simply more balance for each scene could avoid the sense of rushing.
Character:24
Communication: 9
Communication was defined well for each of your characters. They seemed each to have a nuance, from Organical's arrogance to K-Zu's own discussions of "mammalian disorders" (post 8) give a sense of character within speech itself. This is ideal for any communication when developing and using and defining characters within their own space. There is little wrong with this thread in terms of communication, I felt that they changed tense and tone rightly with each passing scene, and fitted well with the overall emotion of the piece.
Action: 7
You define actions well, with even small details of (for want of a better term) NPCs, such as the child kicking the can (post 8), adding atmosphere in the smallest ways. Small details could have been added, such as perhaps further description to the way Organical walks to really brings out more of his arrogance, but you do also reflect a great amount on the fact K-Zu is not a normal human with mention of his personal actions and sounds (posts 6 to 8). Adding more of these details will really help to define your writing more, but there is little work to do.
Persona: 8
Persona is a strong method of yours in writing. Similar to character there was a definite feel of who and what each person wanted and desired within the thread. This could become less certain with the clarity issues (please see clarity), however they each act on their own, with definite separate personalities. Ideas of weakness and strength come into play, especially with the want to take over Organical and make him part of K-Zu's persona in much the same way Mux is, and this continues in with Mux and K-Zu's discussions later. Very well written here.
Writing: 23
Mechanics: 9
There was very little wrong with mechanics, with no obvious spelling errors. The correct use of punctuation and paragraphing can be found.
Clarity: 6
Clarity was certainly dealt well in the latter half of the thread, though perhaps not much so at the start. There is some issue over what is going on between posts 2-4 with the changes in scene, and though they do relate it is a little too fast paced for any sense of clarity. Clarity is also affected by the changes in tone, from your very excellent use of description to a plainer scene, such as discussed in setting. It was confusing for the reader to understand what was exactly going on in some places, especially in posts 2 and 5 and 9, to conclude what exactly K-Zu was (consciousness speaking). For a reader who has not read your character description it would be good to help define this a little more and so help clarity.
Technique: 8
In this thread technique is one of the best I have ever seen. Beautiful onomatopoeia ("ding" from post 1) and poetic description ("worse was the feel, it verged on coarse" in post 6). There could be more use made of metaphor, but this is being very pinickity. This is very deserving of the high mark.
Wildcard: 6
Wildcard here simply has to go to the unique way you presented your story. It shows that you put a lot of effort into producing something really powerful and not just story-wise enthralling but visually also.
Final Score: 70!
Rewards:
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