Tears of the Sun

[Storm Veritas]

The others had not bothered to help the downed wizard with his lava-splashed leg, but did him one better as they felled the mighty dragon. A rippling blast of shadow magic, and several mighty, heavy swords and another explosion of sorts tore the great winged thing down into a horrific, acidic crash of blood and gore.

Well, that’s another way to go about it.

The pain in his lower leg seemed instantly more distant as Storm recognized that his compromised speed wouldn’t likely cost him his life this day. He cut away at the pant-leg, pushing off the leg with his dagger as he cleared the charred cloth. It was agonizing, and tore with it a fair bit of flesh. There was red, bubbled skin and some meat exposed, and the searing pain left him a bit light-headed.

Ugh, God… shiiiiiit.

Defying this dazzling pain, he was safe. That is, unless one of the adventurers turned on him, looking to split the bounty amongst fewer folk. His eyes moved rapidly about, scanning for any fast-movers or surreptitious types. Learning he had not been betrayed, he pulled forward to stand. It was a pleasant surprise that he could walk with a considerable limp, and that he didn’t feel the fire shoot up his leg as he expected.

He managed to walk to the beast known as Sunwing within a few steps, and used his knife with the precision of a master chef. Driving the blade thinly against the flat of the skull, he twisted and tore in a few brief strokes before removing the large horn which previously stood off the left temple of the monster’s massive head. The right horn remained; he’d let the others fight for that scrap.

Got it. Eyes up. Look strong. Get the hell out of here.

To his amazement, Storm heard the beautiful, rhythmic clip-clop which was simply unmistakable. The mighty Attila had returned, bold and strong and powerful. Quickly securing his new prize in the satchel under his shoulder, Storm Veritas hob-handed the pommel of the saddle and pounced effortlessly atop the great ebony beast from his strong right foot. In a breeze, he was safe, secure, and mobile.

“Thank you, gentlemen, and well done…” His address to the group started at the boy, but there were others. The giant man had swung his hammer sword, and the other man reminded him a bit of himself in more idealistic times. Had he come here for glory? Licking his teeth to clear the blood away, the experienced wizard wouldn’t be surprised by any motivation.

And that big, bony bastard…

Truth be told, Storm hadn’t figured out exactly what the hell to do with the enormous skeleton. He appeared to be some sort of puppet, perhaps controlled remotely. Either way, the wounded magician wouldn’t stick around to find out. He was too weak, despite his proud façade, and needed to re-engage in an establishment where he’d be less vulnerable. Preferably, it would be a place with sterile bandages. Undoubtedly, it would also be stocked with plenty of cheap whiskey.

“Take what you’d like; I’m heading to town to square up.”

It was an invitation without formality, and an exit without grandiosity. In seconds, the hoofbeat picked up speed as Attila thundered down the mountain, his master hanging on desperately as he held back tears of agony.

[Hysteria]

“Eh?”

Talen kicked the dragon’s nose in disgust as his soon to be ex-comrades took in the fact they had won. The youth rested his foot against the scaled snout and turned to look at the first of their company to depart.

“Yeah, yeah, go get the reward.”

The youth turned back to Sunwing and gripped the edge of it’s mouth, flecked with oozing blood and eye juice and pulled the mouth open. Rows of sharp teeth, mostly white, but tinged with the brown that comes with age. A thick red tongue sat limp between the deadly spikes and the young boy’s eyes flashed with glee.

“Oi! John, get over here with a sword. I’m going to get a chef in town to make me dragon tongue burgers!”

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Shinsou was barely conscious on the floor and the world around him seemed to be blurring into a sickly haze, like an oil painting ruined by a water spillage. He watched through the distortion of rising heat as Sunwing thrashed around backwards in its final moments, flapping with its torn wing to try and escape its foes. It was then that Shinsou’s Dark Lance had delivered the mortal blow straight to its heart, and now blood gushed from this demonic creature in mighty red torrents. It tried to attempt one last attack, but Sunwing could no longer draw the energy to even open its gargantuan mouth and the flames it spewed crashed into its own sealed mouth.

Shinsou’s lower back ached where the smouldering shrapnel had struck him earlier and his joints throbbed where he had impacted the hard gravel floor. Blood forked down his back from his wound in crimson torrents, dripping down his legs. The salty taste of scorched earth and sweat upon his lips was an unfamiliar one that stunned him momentarily – there weren’t many people who had caused the mighty Shinsou Vaan Osiris to exert such effort – but after a few moments, his mind snapped back to reality. His party were busy scavenging the beast for anything valuable whilst the Telgradian lay exhausted.

He watched as Storm Veritas limped up to the fallen dragon and used his knife like a professional poacher, thrusting the blade thinly against the flat of the beast’s cranium before removing one of its horns. His pant-leg had been torn off, and it was only then that Shinsou could see the wizard’s agonizing wound. It was scorched red, bubbled with puss and exposed.

Fucking hell. You deserve that horn, pal. Take it and get out of here.

Shinsou hadn’t had time nor opportunity to think upon what to do next. Storm had just left, and he had barely even conversed with the others. Either way, the Telgradian decided that, like Storm, he wouldn’t hang about. He was in a bit of a state, despite his stoic expression, and needed to get some medical attention for his back. Flicking strands of brown, matted hair out of his face, Shinsou looked up to survey the carnage before him. As he did so, he caught sight of a charred looking Bane slumped against a rock on the mountainside, lay prostrate amongst the debris of one of the many of Sunwing’s attacks. A pair of wincing, dark eyes looked back toward him, the glowing bruises above his cheeks visible even in the dim glow that fought through the thick rain clouds outside. His features were gaunt and frail, almost as if something had leeched the life from his body, and his chest rose and fell harshly as the man’s lungs tried to work through the pain of his injuries.

“What you looking at, boy? I’m fine. Had worse before…anyway, you heard Veritas. Let’s get out of here and get our bounty.”

Shinsou managed a chuckle and, slowly, pushed himself onto all fours. His breath was laboured to the point of almost choking and his strength felt sapped from Sunwing’s repeated assaults, but eventually the Telgradian staggered to his feet, swaying like a rubber man before eventually steadying himself. His first steps were slow and small. He looked down to his right hand to see Enpera still somehow locked in his bloodstained grip, and began to amble away from the dragon’s plundered carcass.

[Elite Optic]

Elite optic stood almost proud before the mighty corpse of Sunwing. Such a large creature, so dangerous and powerful, and yet now, no more dangerous than the breeze that wrapped around his cold yellow stained bones.

His emotionless, faceless skull peered down on the smashed skull of the dragon, now lifeless and incomplete. This had been so quick, so simple and easy, it was hard to imagine what was so fearsome about it in the first place. Though, when you are already one of the dead, nothing evoked fear anymore. Not beating heart or anxious mind or which to worry, no fleeting feet that remained ready to run at the first glance of danger. Elite Optic in many ways, was the perfect mindset for a warrior.

Sorian watched for a moment from behind. The spread of spraying blood and the collapsing corpse of the beast of his nightmares and past was too much to take in. He felt his hands shaking, his heart racing, his mind scared of the truth that now lay before him. He crept over, a certain fear that it might just get back up one more time washed over his mind, but not even a flinch came from the dead Sunwing. The fearsome face that haunted his dreams, now smashed and crushed into something unfamiliar. Yet as he stood over it, he couldn't push himself to touch it.

He looked around, the group dispersed and leaving, a job well done. Was this all too easy? Was it all a lie and a second coming was awaiting them? Sorian wasn't sure about it, but he was old enough, he was experienced enough to know life had so many more twists that than of what was always presented before them.

"You're friends are, avenged." Elite Optic muttered with the deep rough voice that echoed out of his skull.

Sorian moved up close, the mighty teeth still as large and larger than his own head. Blood staining down the teeth before dripping onto the scorched earth below. He reached out, his fingers trembling before finally resting against one of the large teeth. He had always wanted to touch Sunwing, it was the final act that showed he had won, but even that still scared him inside.

"Yes Elite. My friends are finally avenged." He paused for a moment, closing his eyes he gave but a moments silence to honour their memories and their past. He had said so much on the build up, and now he had so little to say.

That eerie silence emphasized the cold and the smell of death that filled his lungs. The burnt earth behind him had faded already, the stench of Sunwing overwhelming the area, but it pleased Sorian more than anything had pleased him in years.

The heavy footsteps of the giant skeleton began walked away behind him, but Sorian remained in thought, at least for a moment. There was nothing else to see, but the thick scaled dead body that he had witnessed many times before. He expected more now he was up close, and while it was as mighty as it could be, monolithic and frightening, it was nothing new.

Sorian had achieved his goal, achieved his lifelong dream, and apart from admiring the moment, it was over faster than he had ever imagined. The disappointing feeling was hard to accept, it ruined the moment for him, but at least now, he could call himself the victor.

[Skie and Avery]

Tears of the Sun Judgement
Judgement Type: Condensed
Participants:

Shinsou Vaan Osiris
Storm Veritas
Hysteria
Elite Optic
Cards of Fate (posts do not contribute to score)
redford

Plot – 13/30

This was a straightforward battle. It felt a bit short for the epic leadup, but that wasn’t in the player’s control so I didn’t dock points for it. I would have liked to see more fight from Sunwing.

Two things that could have really helped your score here that I did see a little of and I liked was weaving your personal stories in more, and control of the setting. You guys painted me a beautiful picture and the setting was very lush in most of the posts, though sometimes to the point of excess. Shin, at one point you had an entire paragraph about birds in the sky and not only did it take away from what was going on at the moment, you never doubled back on that to turn it into a metaphor or a plot device and that made it all the more jarring. It would have been kind of amazing to have the groups of birds come into play, and in a longer thread you would have had more opportunities to do so.

Also, Storm, that lava bubble. A+. Secondary consequences to attacks are always golden in my book.

I liked how Elite Optic brought in his NPC’s past to Sunwing. It made it personal, and it made me really care. Damn, this dude is doing it for FRIENDSHIP so go skeleton punch go! It also helped give me more insight into that NPC, which ended up boosting your character score below.

The biggest thing here was with re-writing. This is when you go back and summarize past posts before adding your own content. Sometimes this is completely necessary when you have a lot of characters in the thread, but it can very easily be brutally harmful to your reader’s interest. Here it really destroyed your pacing.

My rule of thumb for threads with just a couple of characters is to minimize re-write as much as possible and aim for 0, but in big threads like this to do no more than 20% of the post. 80% or more of your post should be new content.

Shinsou, if you look at your post right after Cards posted for the first time, it’s mostly going back and talking about the introductions and then the very last part addresses the attack that just happened. Doing this completely derails the rising action that got established with the beginning of combat. It became more problematic later in the thread when I read something about the first attack after three posts or so launching a counter attack.

There were times I had to stop and ask myself if the fireball that was being talked about was the first warning shot or the lava bubble or, well, what? Your writing styles were all clear enough that I sorted it out quickly, but it still paused my reading experience.

Character - 20/30

Even in a short thread, there are ways to really give your reader a sense of who your character is. Most of the group felt pretty generic. Storm came off incredible strong, a testament to Bob’s handle on everyone’s favorite douche that with the first post and all five posts, the writing just oozed Storm.

Elite, I really liked how you gave me a sense of the old wizard, but I would have liked to see more about Elite. What a name, for starters. Now give me more.

The ending with everyone not really interacting and just peacing out ended the thread on kind of a “meh” note, and red’s lack of conclusion was noticeably lacking. Even with the abrupt death of the dragon, I feel that you guys could have pulled this out just a little longer to really make it spectacular. Maybe have the group try and devise a way to drag the corpse to town? Work on immediate first aide for Storm so he doesn’t go into shock (STATIC SHOCK HAHAHAHA)?

Prose – 24/30

There were some grammar problems, mostly with comma usage. However, most of you have a really solid writing foundation. There were several posts with little to no real technique, which fell flat amongst the more technically interesting posts.

Wildcard – 8/10

I did really like this thread and the ending makes me hopeful that maybe we haven’t seen the end of Sunwing’s flock. I look forward to seeing you all in future Boss Battles and hope that you can use this experience and craft an epic battle next time.

Total – 65

Shinsou Vaan Osiris gains 583 EXP and 65 GP
Storm Veritas gains 973 EXP and 65 GP
Hysteria gains 797 EXP and 52 GP
Elite Optic gains 436 EXP and 52 GP
Cards of Fate gains 442 EXP and 39 GP
redford gains 390 EXP and 39 GP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added, and AP was removed.