You Sunk My Battleship!

[redford]

Well, at least he knows when he's beat.

For all his scampering around the ship and making his trickery, he put up surprisingly little of a fight. John wondered briefly if he was simply in a different class than his opponent.

Perhaps he was just too used to fighting to the death, but if you weren't prepared to fight to the death, then you weren't prepared for the citadel.

His head still rung, but it was too easy, and John was already thinking of his next fight as he formed a hammer in one hand, striking down his opponent as he bowed, surrendering.

A dull crack filled the interior of the ship, and Cain lay motionless as the world warped and twisted around him, and he appeared back in a dimly lit hallway, standing before Jor, the recently promoted Ai'Bron monk. He spoke, frowning.

"Well, that was mean of you."

John grunted in response. "There is no mercy on the battlefield, Jor."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean you have to be rude."

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Judgment

Story

Redford: 12/30

I have said in prior judgments (especially in your fight against Hailwing) that it can often be difficult to incorporate a story into a classic player-versus-player thread, and this was really no exception either. You got credit for highlighting the relationship between Jor and John at the beginning and giving the reader something to enjoy, but other than essentially “doing a favour” for Jor by testing out one of his arena creations, there was little semblance of any sort of story or building of a plot throughout the battle. I also felt the conclusion lacked massively and this hurt your score too.

Your pacing was your highest overall score in this category, and I felt you did a good job at keeping the momentum going, but you really came up short in setting. A short Citadel thread like this suffers when writers don’t pay enough heed to the surroundings, and I felt there was something of an opportunity missed at the start when you arrived on the ship. The description of the Citadel was good and for the life of me I can’t understand why you didn’t carry that through to the arena itself, which was rich in both content and potential for utilisation. Sadly this was a problem that was consistent throughout your posts (especially post nine). I don’t like to be too critical, but I expected far more from you here and feel the need to impress upon you the importance of attention to detail when it comes to setting in Citadel threads. If you work on this area, your scores will improve.

JDD: 15/30

As I mentioned in Red’s judgment above it can often be difficult to tell a story in a classic player-versus-player thread, but this was an area I believe you made a good attempt at for a first battle whilst not really pulling up any trees. It wasn’t as much an underlying story which earned you points in this category, but the little flashbacks and snippets of history accompanying your posts that added splashes of colour to your battle. I point to posts four and eight as examples of when Cain recalls an experience and applies it to his current situation, giving the reader some small insight into his past adventures. Whilst not top tier storytelling, you deserve credit for the work you did here and should be encouraged to carry this type of technique into future Citadel threads.

I felt you also did a relatively good job at keeping the pace of the thread steady to a point, but Cain’s surrender seemed glaringly out of place and very sudden so this hurt your score here. I felt that the battle could have gone on longer, especially considering the momentum Cain was carrying. However, your main strength in this bout was in your setting, and use of it. Your knowledge of ships (as picked up on in The Lambs Fight Back) is quite evident and you do a good job of using that knowledge to bring the arena to life. Where I was most impressed was your use of both the cannons and the powder charges to try and get the upper hand on your brutish opponent, knowing that going toe to toe would be a bad idea. As Logan once said: “creativity is the way to a judge’s heart”, and I am no exception in this regard. Well done here.

Character

Redford: 13/30

It is no secret that John is the strong and silent type, and prefers to do his talking with his fists. Whilst communication suffered a little as a result of your lack of character specific dialogue, you scored on persona for presenting John the way he was intended: a no-nonsense brawler who focuses on getting the job done. I’ve said this to you before but I still believe an area for improvement here in future Citadel threads would be to treat the reader to a little more of John’s thought processes by introducing more internal dialogue where external dialogue doesn’t quite fit the scene. Whilst nobody expects John to be reciting monologues during a fight, he’ll still have various thought processes or bits of colourful dialogue he can use that will align with his persona.

There was some good action here from John throughout the thread. In particular, I liked the way he ripped up the floorboards on the top deck to get to the lower deck early in the thread, and the way John generally stomped around the ship like an unhinged monstrosity. I also liked the way you weren’t afraid to have John take multiple hits, giving the battle a realistic feel. However, I was hoping for some more creativity when it came to the use of John’s armour, which felt a little bland given the possibilities. You have a very unique ability there and I believe you haven't drawn out anywhere near its full potential in this battle, which was a shame.

JDD: 15/30

Your communication score was higher than Redford's as I felt you gave me a better insight into the workings of your character through dialogue, and your persona fit with what I believe you wanted out of Cain's character. It's quite clear that Cain is wily and commanded the arena in a way that complimented his character well - The Peregrine's captain using his maritime knowledge to turn the resources of this entire ship to his advantage - and in that respect I was suitably impressed. Cain's resourcefulness when it came to keeping John on his toes helped score vital points in the action catagory, but again I must point to his sudden surrender as a big negative here. It did not escape my attention that you were trying to be realistic, and that's a sentiment that I can always relate to and appreciate, but I felt there was much more to come from you than ever made it to the final posts and I was disappointed by this. My advice here is to try and see the battle through to a satisfying conclusion, especially if you have already invested so much effort into your strategy.

Prose

Redford: 18/30

Mechanically, there was very little wrong with your posts. There were almost no spelling mistakes, aside from a few typos, and sentence and paragraph structure were correct and concise. The same can be said for clarity too, although there was one occasion where I had to re-read both yours and JDD's posts to understand how you got to the lower deck. Otherwise, you scored well here.

Your technique started well but suffered as the battle went on. Your opening post was probably the strongest in terms of description ("The familiar sights, smells and sounds of the Citadel greeted John once again as he walked through a gated arch of black stone into the courtyard. It was midday, and awnings were spread out wherever there were people. Stalls, gambling pits, and the monks’ booths were all shadowed by cloth spread on poles. People crowded around the shade like birds to a tree, squawking over wares, wine, and wagers. The metal giant spotted brother Jor, one of the Ai’Bron monks who had taken a liking to him. ") and making the reader visualise what John can see, pulling them straight into the battle, but as you continued to post this effort waned until it almost completely flatlined in post nine and your conclusion. It just seemed like you gave up at this point, and as a result your technique score was damaged quite a bit.

JDD: 15/30

Mechanically speaking, the thread seemed to be a mixed in terms of quality but I have to say you have improved a lot since your last judgment. Whilst there were a few obvious grammatical errors that couldn’t be ignored (consisting mostly of a lack of proper punctuation), you generally kept the spelling mistakes to a minimum and I only picked up a couple of typos. Clarity was actually your strong suite here and I didn't find myself struggling to understand what was going on at any given time, save for the occasion where you both made your way down to the lower deck, which as explained above I had to re-read.

With regards to technique, the improvements that had been made since your last judgment in The Lambs Fight Back were really evident in the writing, especially when describing your movement around the lower deck of the ship, but I felt you failed to pull the reader in as much as you could have done here (which in all fairness is understandable in your first Citadel thread). The only other point to note in this category ties in with what was said about the conclusion of the story itself. When compared to the rest of the battle, the conclusion was sudden, poorly written and seemed rushed. The key to a good piece of writing is to introduce, and maintain, a good consistency of technique throughout the entirety of a story from beginning to end and my suggestion would be to think about this for future pieces you may write, as was suggested in the last judgment.

Wildcard

Redford: 5
JDD: 5

I'm giving you both a five here. For Redford, your wildcard reflects both your willingness to take hits and your portrayal of John as the silent bruiser we have known him to become. For JDD, your wildcard reflects how I enjoyed your utilisation of the setting and your thinking behind your actions. Well done!

Total scores

Redford: 48
JDD: 50

JDD wins!


JDD receives 1500 EXP and 50 GP
Redford receives 450 EXP and 25 GP

Congratulations!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added, and the appropriate AP has been removed.