Name of Judgement: The Nuclear Option
Judgement Type: Condescended Rubric
Name of Participant: BlackAndBlueEyes
Judgement Commentary:
Plot: 23
The story was enticing at first, then got more and more gripping as time went on. One just simply wanted to know what was the beast in the library, and why Madison was “the chosen”. Where it could have just been about building the weapon you added an extra element and did it all within excellent pacing also.
Setting could have been expanded upon, it was mentioned here and there, and the reader does get the sense of certain things – such as the large size of the library – but in the strength of the other elements here it was a little unused. I would encourage more use of scents, how the light works in the different areas of the castle etc.
The change from the experimentation to becoming face to face with Xem’Zund is a great one, changing the tone. You manage to continue the pace of the story well, using shorter paragraphs were needed. It could be said it is hard to determine some parts of the plot, such as the fact that the thing she desired was a book and not some other artefact, but answers as to why she was there etc were answered. The part with the revelation about Pode having guided Madison’s whole misfortunes in order to lead her to become a carrier for her soul, and possibly more, does seem somewhat rushed and not hinted at beforehand, which is something of an opportunity missed to add foreshadowing.
Overall, however, a really good story with a dramatic – though very confusing in some way – ending that hints at further adventures.
Character: 24
In terms of personality there is a wealth of information and insights that you give to the piece, from the initial desire of Madison to see the library, to the nearing sympathies she has for the subjects in post 9. There is a definite change in her mind-set through the story, from simple intrigue through to genuine fear at the creature in the library, to being severely disappointed that her testing has to be cut short in posts 10-11.
In terms of persona and communication the internal struggles of Madison are particularly powerful, with the section from post 11 following:
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Deep breath, exhale, I told myself. Deep breath, exhale. It'll be okay. It doesn't matter what the king wants now, you have access to Ankhas. You will have what is yours, chosen.
The words lingered on the edges of my mind as I screamed. "Leave me alone! I am not your chosen!"
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The internal monologue, which occurs also naturally as part of the first person speech, leads well in demonstrating the struggles. This piece is very much about Madison and her personal feelings and journey when faced with making a weapon of mass destruction (though, rightfully with her general attitude she thinks little of it), dealing with the morality on an interesting scale. There are some things that are perhaps missing, such as a real development of the sympathy that you hint at in post 9, it could have been intriguing to have her consider this more. Tone does change along with the general mood as it swings from Xem’Zund to the final scene, and a genuine fear from Madison, and one can really see her struggles in not wanting to be the ultimate heir of the Forgotten One’s powers.
All in all I would say that communication was your weakest point here. Action was described well and had within it understandable occurrences. Communication on the other hand was lesser used. It served more as an informational tool, whereas there seems to be a key that you missed a trick, when you could have had, for instance, the prisoner’s speak and thus encourage more sympathy. The parts with the monster at the end and his changing letters is strong, however, and helps with overall character.
Writing: 22
Mechanically speaking you use correct punctuation and sentence structure where needed, with the only seen spelling mistake being “need” presumably instead of needle, at the end of post. It is rare to see such well written almost flawless work – though saying that more encouragement is placed here to develop use of more unusual punctuation (semi-colon etc).
Clarity is only an issue regarding the confusion over what Madison is. All in all the reader can get that she is to be a vessel for the Forgotten Ones, though this is never explicitly said or vaguely said. The plot, however, is very clear, with the scene changes greatly written and the progression of the story excellent. This was the sort of story one didn’t get lost in.
Lastly in terms of technique it can be said you have a strong grasp of what the English language is and how to use it. Despite the fact you could use more linguistic techniques (metaphor, similie etc), the emotions of the piece are conveyed in the general strong description you use – such as of the prisoner who is killed first at the end of post 11. Your shorter sentences and the playing with structure in post 16 works particularly well with building tension and this is something you should definitely continue to use and develop:
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I wanted to scream. I wanted their blood. I wanted to watch them, broken and corrupted, begging for mercy that would never come.
Lenexa. Edar'axa.
All of them.
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Wildcard: 7
Wildcard goes to an enticing story that connects both to the past (Pode) and to the future (possible emalgumation of more Forgotten Ones’ powers) which is always great for any reader. Neither is the piece too long or too short, but just the right length to read easy and OMG I WANT TO READ MORE.
Also I loved that really short post. Was so like DUN DUN DUN.
Overall Score: 76/100
Rewards
BABE:
2435 EXP
304 GP
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