[Open to All] Book 2: Hunting after The Rise.

[Breaker]

Josh had just consumed enough cheap ale to find a mild buzz when Dyne turned up looking enraged. The soldiers did not appear happy to see the demon summoner, so Josh complied with the man's request without question. Breaker, Dyne, and his female companion exited the camp on foot and trekked toward the looming city of Ettermire.

"I don't suppose they'd have let us stay the night?" Josh jested as they entered the outskirts of the city, "those chaps played a rather fun game where you had to disassemble and rebuild a musket before drinking."

"They want us all dead," Dyne said, shaking his head angrily. Breaker decided not to press the matter and fell silent.

The taciturn trio bypassed foundries, factories and technological workshops that comprised the greater part of Ettermire's economy. The streets were alive with common folk going about their days, hawkers crying their wares, and belching steam buggies that threatened to run down anyone who didn't shift quickly enough. There was an overpowering smell of technology in the air, of engine lubricant and melted metal and a cavalcade of other scents. The entire city felt like the inside of a steamshop.

They crossed the Glaith River on a metal bridge studded by square rivets and passed beneath great buildings whose spires reached for the heavens. Eventually they made their way to the harbor where boats off all manner and size bobbed on the rising tide. Josh beckoned for his companions to follow him; he knew the type of ship they wanted. The smaller vessels would not do, nor would the short-range steam ships used for ferrying goods across Alerar. They needed a stout wooden ship, one that would sail for Corone given enough coin.

They found one such ship and Josh walked out onto the deck brazenly. He was accosted in short order by a pair of pirates wearing cracked leathers and ragged bandanas.

"Hahaharrr, are ye' lost matey?" Asked the first pirate, thumbing a cruelly hooked dagger on his belt.

"Not lost," Breaker said with a calm smile that dimpled the scars on his cheeks, "looking to buy passage to Corone."

"Hoho bucko, yore outta luck." Laughed the second pirate, "we ain't bound fore Corone. So unlessin' you've got..."

He trailed off as Cronen produced a small coin pouch and gave it a shake. the sound of gold clinking on gold was unmistakable, and he poured half of the money out onto a callused palm to let the yellow metal catch the sun's rays.

"This should be enough to pay passage for the three of us," Josh reasoned, holding out the handful of gold crowns, "and I'll pay you the same when we arrive safely in Radasanth harbor."

The pirates looked impressed, stroking their beards and winking at one another.

"Righto, matey." The first corsair said, "We'll just have to take this to the captain." He turned and scuttled across the deck towards a large cabin at the aft end of the ship.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

The pirate ship was a rather interesting turn of events.

Outlaws now...I'll take it. Dyne thought to himself. He looked at Joshua Cronen and his companion, he nodded to them. He didn't like the idea of running from the enemy but that would have to do for now. He and his companions entered the ship sometime after it was readied. It felt strange, he heard of the pirate's armada before but never actually came across them. What was their name...Black Sails Armada...? He considered the information carefully as he looked at the emblem on the main flag.

He's connected somehow to The Black Sails Armada...Cronen is full of surprises... Dyne walked over towards Joshua and nodded to his friend. "Cronen. Thank you for helping me and my friend. I appreciate it on both of our behalf. Let's just find a quiet corner we can rest on and prepare for the long journey back home." He looked at the woman next to him. And nodded, she nodded back. Then he followed Cronen towards where they would spend much of the remainder of the journey home...

Home...

Dyne had not considered Corone home for a long time.

I'm a lost son returning home. I won't be expecting no Hero's welcome. That's for sure. Dyne remained quiet for the remainder of the trip, embracing his female companion. He stared into the shadows and did not bother Cronen that much. Dyne had too much on his mind...yet another Nation had betrayed him.

Is this how it's always going to be...? Betrayal following me everywhere...? If so, what's the whole damned point of it all? Dyne did not sleep at all the entire trip home. He was too weary of the pirates who were watching them like hungry wolves...

[Philomel]

Name of Judgement: Book 2: Hunting After The Rise
Judgement Type: Full Rubric

Plot ~ 20/30

Story ~ 7/10 –

Overall: Having the fight last so long was hard work and was tough, and it was interesting how you managed to keep up the structure and fight. Negitively, though, what worked against you was working too much in separate fights without much mention of the other for a large part of the piece. The ending, coming to such after the fight was a little odd and awkward, and could have been condescened but finished it well.

Alberdyne_Cormyr: The fact that Dyne was Alberdyne took a while for the reader to understand, and so a mention of his full name at the start would help. The story itself though is negotiated well by yourself, and has a good amount of leadership in the fact that you created it, as well as letting other writers in it take part. The parts also where you flash over to other scenes (the “minions” and “behemoth”) also work marvellously for your story. The binding of the creature added another layer of intrigue to the piece and it was finished well.

Breaker: You have a strong opening and a good, clear reason why your character is there from the outset. Having the personal story of Sha’keth actually mixed in with the plot really served your own writing and plot well. You also managed to tie in to Alberdyne’s plot also with a good sense of community, though this could have been done earlier.

Mixed-blood: It was a shame that you did not manage to continue the overall plot, as it would have been nice to see it go on. What you did, however, was good and neatly written and had promise to it.


Setting ~ 6/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Excellently described and the ideal choice of setting for your story. Though it could have been perhaps used a lot more within the overall plot and fight scenes it was described nicely. The entirety of the “setting of the scene” as well in your first post was strong.

Breaker: The scene was dramatic at first but similar to Dyne you seemed to forget about’ its existence during the fight. The reader here did enjoy the description later back when the company was in the carriage, but overall there was something missing here that perhaps could have been used stronger.

Mixed-blood: Really strong description at the start gave way to a good balance of this and story within the realm of plot.


Pacing ~ 7/10 –

Overall: Pacing rose well, but the extended ending after the fight was perhaps a little unnecessary and could have been shorter.

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Pacing is built up well in this, with a good rise and a good amount of tension needed. It angled out well later and had a certain beauty to it, though it was hampered slightly in paragraphing matters (see clarity).

Breaker: The pace was similar to Alberdyne – done well with excellent rises and falls. It seemed to taper out a little at the end and have a very gently tension-falling part that tied things off. At some points it did seem strangely tense when it did not need to be (last post for example) but was well done.

Mixed-blood: Overall a good rise to the point where your posts finished.


Character ~ 19/30

Communication ~ 6/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Very good use of language and so on to describe personality and have it carry this. One thing, mechanically, that could be said is that the bold is not necessary needed, but this is not affecting your score.

Breaker: Inner communication is excellently used in this thread by yourself, but in some ways there could have been uses made in more vocal areas, especially in the earlier part of the thread. There was some during the fight between your character and Sha’keth that made the reader just want to know more, and this was particularly enticing.

Mixed-blood: What would be really good to improve is to try to develop a unique way that your character speaks in. What you had communication wise was good in basics but could be expanded upon.


Action ~ 7/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Great scenes that showed off your character well. The amount of power residing within Dyne is clear, and you had actions that had someone who has not read much of him seeing a good spirit and a challenging being. This owed well also to possible future development for your character.

Breaker: You use heavy parts of action sequences, using this a lot more than communication itself, and for the most part it was written well. A particular strength of yours is use of minor actions such as eye-contact in post 19. In future I would encourage trying to develop these a little more, the subtle nuances of your character, but you have a strong presence in this thread.

Mixed-blood: Actions were well-versed and all fighting ones were met with equal vigour, which was really good. What was lacking, perhaps, is a very over-powering essence of what actions define your character, but this can be developed in future.


Persona ~ 6/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Compared to communication and action you lack a little here in your writing. The reader got a sense of some feelings (eg “anger” in post 20) but this could have been developed more. Try using internal thought as a process of pulling apart Dyne’s full hard-ass style.

Breaker: Interior thoughts managed to carry persona as a subject on well here. Overall you had a strength here that was carried all the way through your posts, with the personal vendetta adding essence to this. To improve what can be encouraged is to just use this method more.

Mixed-blood: Small things really bring your character to light in this section such as “exact count wasn’t possible” in post 11, that allows the reader to see through your character’s eyes a little, which is really strong. In future try to use this a lot more and balance it with your actions.


Prose ~ 18/30

Mechanics ~ 5/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: In some places your word use is not correct (post 4 the use of “is” instead of “are”) and spelling (post 9 “Dyen” instead of “Dyne”) but this can be sorted with an edited before posting/submitting for a judgement. Overall you have a good grip of mechanics, but these small mistakes here and there can cost you.

Breaker: Some spelling mistakes exist (post 5 “sheathe” instead of “sheath”) and a few missed capital letters within speechmarks (see post 15), but overall your mechanics are done very well and have a strong essence to them.

Mixed-blood: There are a few spelling mistakes that jump out at first sight in your writing (“fauder” instead of “fodder” in post 3) and there are also moments when capital letters and full stops are missed out. Overall paragraph structure is good but focus on your editing much more in future.


Clarity~ 6/10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Certainly one thing that caused some clarity issues was the use of the name “Dyne” as a short version of your character’s name. What a good thing to do would be to mention the full name a couple of times also. Breaking up larger paragraphs with dialogue inside would also help. Also the thread with single line pararaphs was good but did not offer the variety that could have been used within one post and visually was odd-looking.

Breaker: Sometimes there were points where the reader needed to go back a little to just double check some sentences, but these can mostly be put down to editing errors. Overall you wrote what you want and told a clear story, which is more than can be asked for.

Mixed-blood: See Breaker’s comments.


Technique ~ 7 /10 –

Alberdyne_Cormyr: Most of all you have a good basic grasp of technique, and in some areas the description of the setting and blows are written beautifully. It would have been good though, to see more attempt in places like in post 9 where you write simply “other horrible things,” where there is a chance to really show what you can do but don’t.

Breaker: This is definitely one of your strongest areas of writing, with a great flowery language, but one that is carefully chosen to describe things in the right fashion at the right time. More use of linguistic techniques here would help to amplify this in future, but your various word choice and good abundance of strong adjectives and alliteration helped (eg, “taciturn trio” in post 21).

Mixed-blood: Technique has a good basis for you here, with some interesting uses of adjectives but I would encourage you a theasaurus to really get to grips with some alternative words and to make your writing richer.


Wildcard: 5/10
A well-read story, really interesting and developing for all characters.

Total ~ 62/100

Rewards:

Alberdyne_ Cormyr receives:
992 EXP
124 GP

Breaker receives:
1935 EXP
112 GP


Mixed Blood receives:
273 EXP
38 GP

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!