The Fox at in Sakuhin

[kitsune]

As Aoimoku walked down the street, he thought about how he was going to leave the island. I wouldn’t be able to run a full ship by himself and a raft wouldn’t last on the ocean. As he walked by a sports shop he noticed something in the window. It was a blue kayak. Aoimoku looked at the shop and saw it was run by a water spirit. Aoimoku shrugged then walked into the shop.

As soon as he walked into the shop Aoimoku was greeted by the shop owner. “Ohayo gozaimasu okyaku-sama (Good morning customer),” the water spirit said with a smile. “Welcome to Lima’s Supootsu Yoohin (Lima’s Sporting Good).”

“Ohayo gozaimasu,” Aoimoku said with a smile. “Kono kayak, ikura desu ka (That kayak, how much is it)?”

“Hai,(Sure)” the water spirit said, “shoohizei-komo de – 100gp¹. (including the sales tax – 100gp) we can also use an enchantment to make it so that it can be summoned to any water way of your choice by placing your paw/hand in the water for an extra 50gp². Bringing your total to 150gp³.”

Aoimoku took the desired coins out of his pocket then laid it on the table. “150gp”

The water spirit nodded then took the gold. He then said, “Come with me.” He then grabbed he Kayak and lifted it like it was nothing. He then headed towards the back with Aoimoku right behind him. Behind the shop he found a huge pond with tons of water devices. Kayaks, canoes, & rowboats all on the lake. As Aoimoku looked at the pond in aw the water spirit put his kayak in the water. He then turned to Aoimoku. “This is where we store our customer’s water vehicles. It is made so that they can’t be taken out of the water and nothing that has been placed in them can taken out while in the pond. Now please hold out your dominant hand so that we can cast the spell on it so that you can summon your kayak.”

Aoimoku nodded then held out his right hand. The water spirit walked forwards and placed his hand on Aoimoku then began to chant. After the chant was over Aoimoku’s hand began to glow as a tattoo of his kayak with “summon” (呼び出す)written above it. After a few seconds the tattoo stopped glowing and faded.

Aoimoku looked up at the water spirit and said with a slight bow, “Domo arigatoo gozaimasu Lima-shachoo. (Thank you Company President Lima.)”

The water spirit laughed and said, “I’m not Lima-oneesan Aoimoku-sama, I am her otooto, Len.”

“Either way,” Aoimoku said with a smile, “Arigatoo Len-san.”

“It was no trouble Aoimoku-sama,” Len said with a smile and a slight bow. “I hope you will visit my oneechan’s shop again. Sayoonara Aoimoku-sama.”

“Sayoonara Len-san,” Aoimoku said with a bow. “I will be sure to return to your oneechan’s shop when I return from my trip.” With that Aoimoku left and headed out the gate. On his way towards the closest port city. Finally gone from Sakuhin.

1: Pronounced: Hyaku
2: Pronounced: Go-juu
3: Pronounced Hyaku-go-juu

[Gnarl & Root]

Judgment: Kitsune Solo

Judgement Name: The Fox at in Sakuhin
Judgement Type: Condensed Rubric
Name of Participant: Kitsune

Story: 14 / 30

This story came across quickly like an old folks tale. Something you'd tell people and children over the years to help instil a moral code into them. You have put together an interesting idea, which helps bring the thoughts of your character, "Kitsune Aoimoku" to life.

The long introduction was informative and did help set some of the main focuses to your story, and why the world was the way it was. However, while this was set to help guide me as the story progressed. It was still difficult to grasp who was a God, and who wasn't. A good example of this was that it took a while to understand what "Inari" was. Why did Aoimoku get in so much trouble, but Inari did not? This led to further questions.

If they can re-write these rules, why were they rules in the first place? Who made them? Who enforces them? This all got a bit confusing. Then you introduced a council, who dealt with the situation, only to state that Aoimoku was untouchable? Where does the power really sit?

Still, these confusions aside, the story of Aoimoku and how he grows from being very timid, to being a bolder stronger version of himself was a pleasant one. A little more instilled world law and direction, and this would have been a stronger story. In that respect, you chose a difficult story to write. As when introducing a reader to a new world, anything that isn't clear can become confusing to the story.

Character: 14 / 30

Aoimoku displays a variety of different personality traits. A bit mischievous, a bit defiant, but also timid. He seems to grow more confident as the story progresses, and parts of the story progress purposefully quickly to develop him. So apart from certain things being a little too quick, such as his sudden admission to love - this all came across rather well.

Other characters were hard to gauge and at first, I thought Inari was a nasty bully, especially considering Aoimoku's fear of him. Yet, you then portray a bond of friendship between Inari (confident and bold) and Aoimoku (timid and shy). A little more control over why they feel the way they do would have helped here.

Prose 10 / 30

Your mechanics are and bit up and down. There are lots of little mistakes dotted throughout that you could easily fix. A couple of examples:

Post one - "quite" should be "quiet".

The village was a quite village most of the time.

Post one - a couple of mistakes here. Missing words and "the" instead of "he".

Said red fox spirit slunk through the back alleys of Sakuhin as he tried to hide from he shop owner that he just pranked.

Post one - tense, "then" should be "than". Also, this is a contradicting statement.

There were a few kits that had one tail like himself but they were a lot younger then him. Most of the other one tails were older then him and didn’t want to interact with him.

This continued throughout. I would suggest just re-reading your posts before you finalise them. Your overall clarity wasn't that bad as what you are saying comes through, but fixing these small mistakes would help a lot.

I would also look at trying to lengthen some of your sentences. This would help with flow as you do an awful lot of short sentences for each movement or moment of your character. Strangely, this improved as you continued, so it shows a lot more earlier on than it does later.

There are quite a few grammar issues that I would be happy to advise you on. As you repeat a lot of the same mistakes. These don't seriously damage your general writing, but fixing them would help for clarity, and improve the general flow of your writing.

Wildcard: 7 / 10

I did appreciate your Japanese and how you introduced it into the speech. I've given you a few extra points for your effort there.
You have a lot of potential. A bit more background story wise and fixing your grammar would increase your score dramatically. Again, if you want any help with this, please contact me.

Final Score and Rewards

Kitsune: 45/100

Kitsune receives 726 EXP and 100 GP!

Congratulations!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards have been added!