Round 1: The Girl and the Guardian v Unreasonable Gentlemen

[Logan]

I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for posting a great example of solid writing in a short timeframe. You told a fun story, with some moments that literally had me laughing out loud while reading. I don’t want to make you wait anymore, though, so onto the judgment!

Taische
Plot 24/30
Story - 8/10
Taische’s part in the story actually adds to the overall feel of the thread, but does so by being entirely natural to her adolescence. That isn’t an easy thing to do, but you accomplished it pretty well. No moment of her part of the story feels contrived, except the whole tavern bit. It felt off, and a bit too illogical. Still, you played it off well. I did like the twists along the way of her tantrum, and pulling Uncle Storm and Kryos from the river. They worked well.
Setting - 8/10
You utilized various parts of the setting, and turned it from just a backdrop to the scene of this story. What makes it better is how you also utilized the environment, especially the maneuver where Taische manipulates the ground to allow Kryos into the building and then closes it behind him to protect him. Very clever, and I liked it.
Pacing - 8/10
The only thing I will say related to pacing is the one place I felt things lose me as a reader a little, and that was the battle between Storm and Kryos. I’m unsure if it was due to the change in posting order or how it separated the pairs, but I didn’t exactly like it. I just didn’t hate it either. That’s what hurt you here, as it hurt everyone equally.

Character 22/30
Communication - 7/10
At times in reading her dialogue aloud, I got the adolescent vibe. Especially when she told her Uncles and Kryros to stop fighting. With that said, however, she came across as too forceful a character in this thread to the point of being almost unbelievably settled for a kid in her dialogue. Perhaps that is because she has been there before, but it made reading her aloud feel a bit disconcerting almost. When she was apologizing, as a reader I would’ve really bought into it more if there’d been some deliberate stumbling through her apology via stuttering or stammering.
Action - 7/10
While nothing she did felt out of place for her character, per say, there was a moment early on where I could’ve used a bit more Taische -- in the tavern. Something, anything, where she hits that moment of innocent curiosity of a kid, would’ve made sense and really highlighted her adolescence compared to the others. I did like the bit between her and Rayse, and her flame “attack”. It worked well enough.
Persona - 8/10
Look, by now you’ve heard it over and over, but you write Taische very well. She is a fun character to read because she isn’t flat, and has tons of wiggle room for development. The apologies were a decently written example of her flexibility and growth, and I really like how it all ultimately played out. As I pointed out in the above examples in Action and Dialogue, you just missed the mark a little with being a bit too forceful at times, and then not forceful enough at others. Being an adolescent, she has to strike a very delicate balance, and I know it is tough to do. Keep it up though, I love her to death.

Prose 23/30
Mechanics - 8/10
So this is where you will always shine as a writer. You are meticulous in your mechanics, to the point of being nitpicky of yourself and others. However, I did find a couple of noticeable mistakes, but only the nitpicky ones, such as a tense that doesn’t match up, or a improper word usage. “Unconsciously, the child’s posture responded to the adult’s…” in the 19th post of the thread is the most glaring, thus the 8.
Clarity - 8/10
Taische is pretty clear, and you write her pretty clearly. Things made sense for the most part, and nothing felt totally out of line. The only times that did feel out of sorts, or I as the reader felt a bit lost were noted previously, so just look out of for those things and you’ll be great.
Technique - 7/10
You have a pretty solid focus on your mechanics, and hey it works. The only problem is I don’t necessarily perceive anything extraordinary from a technique standpoint, and to be frank I’m not sure your writing needs an excess amount of it. As noted in dialogue, a pregnant pause, some stammering or stuttering, something more there as a dialogue technique would’ve put Taische over for me. Still, it was good use of technique, just not as good as it could be.

Wildcard 9/10
The Wildcard category for the sake of the LCC is being handled thusly, for every 24 hour delay in reply from the time an opponent posts 1 point is deducted from wildcard. This is to encourage frequent posting in the two week deadline so that hopefully more threads can conclude properly. This was far less an issue for your foursome, and I am not surprised.

Total 78/100

Kryos
Plot 23/30
Story - 8/10
The four of you wove an impressive story over a reasonable length for a complete story, and this is what this was, a complete story. It reads well, and flows well. At times, as noted in comments to Taische, some of the momentum is lost, or some of the parts felt a bit contrived. Still, for a thread this length considering the deadline and pressure, I applaud you.
Setting - 7/10
Whereas I felt Taische played off the setting pretty well, I did feel like you didn’t play off it quite enough. I absolutely loved the note on the crates in the warehouse with the double C’s, that was quite a nice tidbit. I’d like to ultimately see more utilization of the setting, but overall you did enough to make it feel alive. Unfortunately, it just needs to be a bit more vibrant.
Pacing - 8/10
The thread flows from one scene to the next at a relatively comfortable pace once the tavern scene concludes, which I might add concluded rather abruptly. In a way, it was necessary, so I didn’t dock points for the abruptness. Like I mentioned for Taische, the pacing of the fight scene, and the change in posting order, just disrupted the flow too much for me. The pairings seemed to drag just a hair too long.

Character 20/30
Communication - 7/10
When Kryos spoke dialogue until your final post, it was abrupt and as minimal as possible, which I do imagine is by intention. You hinted a bit at his nature with the early comment on how he’d rather camp in the woods than stay at the inn. What didn’t sit well with me in reading Kryos’ thoughts, especially in the 25th post of the thread, is his internal comment on Storm’s lightning. “He uses lightning,” while a perfectly acceptable line, just doesn’t convey any emotion whatsoever, especially when it follows, “Air! I need air!” The realization of Storm’s electricity feels like it needed something more. It felt a bit flat. Even more if I read your next post in succession. The dialogue there, and thoughts, feel almost totally different to the ones in the 25th post. Just wanted to note that.
Action - 7/10
Due to some clarity issues specific to the action and maneuvers in the fight with Storm, which I will highlight more specifically in clarity, I had to dock you a few points here. The fight, though it was certainly necessary, just felt too rushed considering the magnitude of what the two were essentially fighting over.
Persona - 6/10
Through most of the thread, I gathered Kryos as a lone wolf of sorts (pun intended) who is rather insular by nature. By the end of the thread, however, I began to question that assessment. I haven’t, admittedly, read as much of Kryos as I’d have liked prior to this thread, but the early Kryos and late Kryos within this single thread felt almost disconnected. In a way, it felt like a lightswitch was flipped between the 25th post and the 29th post of the thread, wherein Kryos becomes King of Sarcasm. I liked the sarcasm, I just wish it had come out more in his various bits of dialogue and thoughts earlier.

Prose 21/30
Mechanics - 7/10
There were a few specific places where your verb tense struggled, or your word choice failed you. Altogether, however, you presented a very solid piece. Unfortunately, the scale used for mechanics in this tournament is very high, as should be noted by the 8 Taische got for very few actual mechanical errors. One instance caught my attention and caused me to re-read the statement, “to the sword placed over lower back.” A simple pronoun here, such as ‘his lower back’ would have made the statement flow much smoother.
Clarity - 6/10
As I stated above, what hurt you the most was the maneuvers in the battle with Storm. At times they left me scratching my head. Specifically, this pair of lines really left me trying to figure out the reference for the pronouns, “From how the man used his abilities, Kryos knew that he had more experience at combat. Thanks to the unknown gods, as well as his physical ability, he had managed to remain mostly unscathed.” I’m guessing Kryos knew Storm had more experience, but is Kryos also indicating Storm remained mostly unscathed or himself? It left me reading a couple of extra times to figure it out, and without enough context clues to go off, I landed upon the narrator is referring to Kryos in the second line and Storm in the first. You can see how the clarity issue becomes a deeper and deeper rabbit hole rather quickly.
Technique - 8/10
You did some really nice things with your technique. I liked the few times you utilized the ellipses to full pregnant pause effet. I also liked how you used simile to rather dramatic effect in 25th post, “Like a wave of the ocean building in height before crashing on sand beaches.” I also really liked your use of the flashback, and also of the foreshadowing there. It was well done, and not overbearing. You hit just a tiny bit more technique than I noted for Taische, thus the slightly higher score there.

Wildcard 8/10
Please see Taische’s comments on how wildcard is being utilized for this tournament.

Total 72/100

Storm Veritas
Plot 24/30
Story - 8/10
The story wove nicely through each part. I loved the amount of backstory littered throughout the entire thread, and in respect specifically to Storm himself. As noted with both Taische and Kryos, the story told felt complete. The tavern scene didn’t sit well as a reader, and as noted below in clarity, the fight ended a bit flat.
Setting - 8/10
The moment that put you over in your use of setting was when Storm dismantled the townsperson without so much as a blink of an eye, and just continued on. Your use of the parapet was a nice touch, and Storm’s return to the stables helped tie the entire scene together rather nicely.
Pacing - 8/10
As I noted for Taische and Kryos, pacing for all four of you primarily focused on the fight scene and the change in posting order. It felt abrupt, and just didn’t work for me. There was also the ending to the tavern scene, which unfortunately felt too quick and didn’t quite sit right as a reader. I’m just not sure the tavern scene could have been handled much differently to make it better, so in this instance, as with both Kryos and Taische, I did not deduct points for the tavern scene, only the fight.

Character 22/30
Communication - 8/10
You know Storm. You’ve written him for years, and have a pretty firm grasp of who he is. It showed in this thread, especially in how he viewed Taische both in internal and external dialogue. Storm’s internal dialogue was some of the best, in my opinion, especially the more frustrated he grew with Taische’s perceived “antics”.
Action - 6/10
As noted for Kryos, most of the issues with action resulted from clarity confusion. Specifically, the maneuvers in the fight tend to get a bit lost with how they were written, and this lead to the heavy point deduction. Still, outside of the fight, for the most part, Storm’s actions feel “Storm-y” and otherwise never deter from the character.
Persona - 8/10
Storm is a wealth of character at times in the thread, and at others he retreats a bit into his lone wolf assassin self. There was subtle character development in Storm, and I had to reward you for that somewhere. As a reader, I also genuinely loved the moment Storm reached his breaking point with Taische, and it served the thread very well.

Prose 20/30
Mechanics - 7/10
Your mechanics while not perfect, were quite close. In my comments to Taische and Kryos, I noted the bar was set exceptionally high by Flames in one of the other threads, and so all of you felt a bit of that as a result. One example to highlight a mechanics flaw, “It was miserable, being cold, wet, and wanted.” The comma after miserable is unwarranted, even for dramatic pause effect. Pretty much all of your mechanical errors were like that, placed for dramatic effect but unwarranted from a necessity standpoint as a reader.
Clarity - 6/10
Your big deduction here comes from the fight with Kryos, but specifically with the following maneuver descriptions. “With tremendous speed, Storm crashed a shoulder into the chest of the would-be kidnapper, wrapping his arm around the man’s lifting and running, lifting, arching his back with all his might.” Note the clarity concerns begin with Storm wrapping his arm around Kryos’, which was clear. The remainder of the maneuvers were not so much. Was Storm lifting and running, then lifting, then arching his own back? Was Kryos’ arms lifting and running? In general, the line lost me and forced a re-read multiple times, and it actually was enough to make the ending to the fight fall a bit flat.
Technique - 7/10
There was nothing exceptional in your technique, and yet there was nothing you attempted where you failed technically either. Much like with Taische, I’m not sure more use of technique would’ve really been a big boon to the overall feel of the thread, but what you did use worked well. Again, you suffered here on the Flames scale of technique.

Wildcard 10/10
For the wildcard, please see comments to Taische on how wildcard is being utilized for this tournament.

Total 76/100

Rayse Valentino
Plot 22/30
Story - 7/10
Rayse’s individual story actually blossoms a bit in this thread, and you wove it quite well. I’ll have more comments later on in this judgment related to the character, but this was a job well done. As I noted for the others, the tavern scene didn’t sit well as a reader, and especially with the move Rayse did to draw attention. It just didn’t feel quite natural to the scene unfolding, perhaps mostly in the patrons reaction. I did deduct you an extra point for that specific moment, but other than that you were right on par with the rest of the group.
Setting - 7/10
Your use of setting was a bit lackluster. You painted plenty of pictures, special note for the daydream setting which I did enjoy, but they were mostly just tapestries as opposed to scenes. You tended toward including nuanced notes hinting at the setting and atmosphere, and as a reader I just needed more of it included. “An earthy scene permeated the area, the hard work of people wafting in the air,” is a great line and highlights the subtle hints you made at the setting. Some of your other posts, however, read as though they could have taken place on a theater stage, devoid of the world in which they took place.
Pacing - 8/10
As I noted for the others, the pace of this entire thread is pretty solid overall. However, the tavern scene’s abrupt end, and the confusion with the fight scene, are worth pointing out. All four of you each had a part to play in the pacing, and thus the same score for all.

Character 25/30
Communication - 9/10
Rayse has always been a character that as a reader I found hard to connect with, at least until now. The Rayse presented grows so much through this thread, and the internal dialogue shows a lot of that depth forming over the entire story. Frankly, this might be one of your best pieces exclusive to the character side of things. My favorite line, “Either way, he just shanked someone in the middle of the street. Even Rayse wasn't that audacious.” I actually laughed at that final bit of self-realization by Rayse.
Action - 7/10
Throughout the growth of Rayse, most everything he did felt right on par with what I’d come to know of the character. From the need for a cigarette at the height of stress to the little sparks of fire interwoven into the story, you pretty well nailed it. The only time you strayed was with the NPCs collective responses in the tavern. Perhaps any sort of actual response in that moment from them beyond just shock, awe, or fear, would’ve put you over. Otherwise, you did quite well.
Persona - 9/10
As noted in communication, you stretched the depths of Rayse as a character to places I didn’t really perceive you ever reaching. Not because I didn’t think you could, but because of what I’d read you never really tried for it. At least not to this magnitude. I’m exceedingly awestruck by your growth in writing Rayse over the past few months, and I hope you will continue to stretch the character just that much farther.

Prose 20/30
Mechanics - 7/10
For the most part, your mechanics were sound. There were a few places you slipped a bit, but I want to point specifically at the paragraph in post 12 where Rayse’s experience with the girl under mind control is brought to light. Your use of commas, while admirable, is also excessive. Ultimately, you ended up with giant run-ons that lose a bit of their impact by jumbling them all together. With this, it would have been better to separate them into more concrete statements, and let each of them stand more on their own.
Clarity - 6/10
There were a couple of spots where due to a mechanical miss, such as a typo or extra word, a line didn’t quite make as much sense as it should. “I don't know if this is normal where you're from, but around here you grown men don't just team up with little girls.” He is speaking to Taische here, and so the ‘you’ is confusing and out of place. There was also an incorrect word usage, “He put his hands in his pants pockets to try to look as undiscriminating as possible, although nothing could betray the coldness in his eyes.” I am certain you intended to use indiscriminating. Then there were these two lines in succession in post 24, ““With only seconds to spare, he retrieved it and tried to shove it into the bubble, but the air being pushed out was also keeping his weapon out. He had to stab into it with force.

With only seconds left, his was starting to lose his balance.” By having both using of “With only seconds”, the lines lose a bit of oomph.
Technique - 7/10
The big deduction here comes from a rather hit or miss usage of future Rayse as the narrator. At times, it becomes not only confusing, but also a bit jarring as a reader. ‘"What do I want?" Why. He wanted to know why. Right?’ While it is certainly artistic, this line in particular would have held more impact as an internal thought, which you expressed pretty well throughout using italics, and also reworded slightly.

Wildcard 10/10
See the comments to Taische about how wildcard is being utilized for this tournament.

Total 77/100

Winners Unreasonable Gentlemen!

Taische receives 1000 EXP and 105 GP
Kryos receives 1000 EXP and 105 GP

Storm Veritas receives 4065 EXP and 125 GP
Rayse Valentino receives 4065 EXP and 110 GP

[Logan]

All EXP and GP have been added!