Thread Title: Soul Alight
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: Shinsou Vaan Osiris, Mari
Plot: 16/30
This was an extremely difficult category for me to score. I ran into quite a few contradictions in pacing, since you both have very different styles. Mari is clearly action-oriented, teasing a romantic tale the entire thread, her seductive character a hallmark of her style. Shin is one of Althanas’s great historians, referencing a deep, involved arc that involves several dream sequences, memories/flashbacks, and wild pivots to setting.
There were come continuity problems. I wasn’t sure if Mari was yelling at the bandits or vice versa in an early post. Shin’s dream sequence really should have been centered, italicized, or differentiated to make it clearly its own work.
I’d really like to see more compromise between the two characters in terms of picking a pace that works for both of you. Early in the thread, this felt pretty strong; you both told a straightforward rescue tale that seemed to move smoothly and without too many problems. I thought Shin’s “Cavum Ira” dream was a real pivot point for the thread, really disrupting the pace and changing the dynamics of what was happening.
For setting, I thought you both did a fine job. Mari, I thought early on you missed a few opportunities to really bolster the setting (such as discussing the taste or scent of the cigar in Gabe’s mouth, contrasted to the taste of blood in Mari’s mouth), but this got better as the thread evolved. The pinnacle of exploring multiple sensations came when you two enjoyed the whiskey Shin had taken from my character – well played.
Things moved along, pacing was not always consistent. Plot was very ambitious, although unfortunately the two character’s stories did not mesh particularly well.
Character: 20/30
Character is definitely a strength for both of you. I know exactly what I’m in for from Mari and Shin, and you were very consistent writing as I would expect these tortured characters to behave.
The challenge definitely came with interlacing the two characters together. The temptation between the two never felt like it was going to pop like I expected, and when one of you bunnied for the other, it was glaringly obvious. Shin pivoted from quite a deep, philosophical, brooding character into what Mari portrayed as a bit of an oafish everyman that borders on simple. Mari’s intricate seductive capabilities often slipped right by Shin, who was more focused on the enormous picture.
Your personas were both very well established with rare exception, but again your understanding of your partners’ characters was clearly lacking. Shin seemed rough and brutish, then compassionate in the post where he carries Mari after forging ahead of her; Mari is probably not as well developed in Shin’s posts as she could be.
Prose: 10/30
Mechanics were a KILLER here. You two appeared to at least spellcheck, with more typos than misspellings (“rivaled” misspelled “rivalled” and see-through and hellhole need to be combined by Mari; Shin incorrectly referenced “suspension of disbelief” when it should have simply been “disbelief”, and described eyes as “diluted” when they should have been “dilated”). There were a couple of quirks that are also easy to fix. For example, the phrase is not “a myriad of”, but simply “myriad”; the word “of” is redundant.
There was one thing that stuck out like absolute nails on the chalkboard for me, and I have to attribute it to Mari.
Mari, you need to write in complete sentences. I literally lost count of how many sentence fragments you used in the active narrative. It is one thing to write fragmented thoughts or dialogue that skews, but when telling the tale PLEASE make sure each sentence has a subject and a predicate. Some examples (in spoiler tags for mercy):
Spoiler:
This went on far too much. Shin, you were also not without guilt here, with a few cumbersome run-on sentences. Examples:
“What remained of the dusk had been smothered completely by a sheet of thick wintry clouds, and now only the shining blade of Stygian could provide Osiris with a light, one that could not be stifled thanks to the enchantment sung into it by the high bard of Raiaera”
“As the crimson haired girl writhed and wriggled under Gabe’s heel, the man saw fit to grind the boot against her cheek, grazing it and causing fresh crimson to trickle down her face as he demanded to know what was going on.”
Wildcard: 6/10
I thought you two were ambitious, and wrote very, very well – in spots. Consistency, and continuity would have really made a good thread a great one.
Final Score: 52/100
Shinsou receives:
- 1320 EXP!
- 110 GP!
Mari receives:
- 1040 EXP!
- 110 GP!
Congratulations!
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