Workshop: It's Not About Control

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: It's Not About Control
Name of Authors: Skie and Avery & Dissinger
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 19 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 7th February 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Go nuts.

[Jethro]

Hi there I'm getting back into the swing of things so please bare with me here we go!

Story:

Storytelling: (7Points)

This story was two pages long and that is not bad for a story it was long enough for me to remain interested but not so long that I got bored and my eyes glossed over. Further I found that the whole triplet had a very fine dynamic each character had their part and played it well. I easily found out what the whole point of the story was with in five minutes of reading and I read slow.

I'll give yall a 7

Setting: (8Points)

The library, tavern and the bedroom all were incredibly detailed. I could tell a different mood from each local and they were all detailed quite well with out going into data overload. Again this all goes back to where I am entertained and my eyes aint glossing over.

I'll give yall an 8


Pacing: (8 Points)

The pacing aint bad it was quick little thread and a fun jont in exploring Skies development and just a little adventure. I can't say much else because well it was good.

I'll give you an 8


Character:

Communication: (5 Points)

All right by and large the communication was well done I knew who was who and what was going on. How ever if you are going to use a made up language that I don't understand let alone am unable to speak syllables properly please put somewhere in the post a translation. Case in point

“Usstan zhahus plu'dakus a l'Valsharess' Kyorl. Natha drada nesst orn hass'l naubol ulu uns'aa, fridj jalbyr k'jiar d'vlos...”

That's a whole sentence I can not understand it took me out of the loop and made things feel disjointed it broke the immersion.

I gotta give you a 5

Action: (6 Points)

Action bow chika wow wow... I'll get to that later. I found very little actual action and more suspense and drama. That's not a bad thing some stories are not meant to be all action all the time! I mean could you imagine The Silence of the Lambs as directed by Michael Bay?

That being said action is still action and drama is still drama. Sooo I'm giving yall a 6


Persona: (9 Points)

Are you kidding me?! This was the best part of the read I recognized each character even during the conversations which a person could get lost in. I cant really complain here except to nit pick and I'm not that kind of guy really or I'm too lazy... Not sure which but I did find it easy to see where each character was coming from with out much effort and with out knowing them.

Yall get 9 points.


Prose:

Mechanics: (10 Points)

If yall have made it this far and if yall have known me for any length of time yall know mechanics aint my things Soooo 10 points?


Clarity: (7 Points)

This is one of the biggest complements I have been making. The writing is clear I know who the characters because their personalities are clear. I know where they are because the settings are clear. I know their motivations because it's clear. This is a clear thread.

I'll give yall a 7

Technique: (7 Points)

Skie I gotta give it to you. You stole the show with the whole scene where your character manipulated Dissinger's soul. So I'm giving you guys a 7


Wildcard: 8

Does the term weird boner work as a wild card? I mean this isn't in the Mariska Hargitay, Jenifer's Body or Requiem for a Dream levels of weird boner but sex scenes of fantasy characters is just kind of...interesting probably why I can't watch hente.

I'll give you an 8 for fun.

Total 75

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Absolutely lovely. I suppose it shows by your levels that you two have been around for some time and been slowly improving and honing your craft through the years. Age, experience, reading on your own time - all come together quite well if I'm honest. This read like something I could comfortably find bound and placed on the rack of a bookshelf. Well done.


Character
Communcation, Action, and Persona
Your characters are distinct and noteworthy. They are vastly different but so genuine and in strange ways often relatable. I have to say I'm fond of Seth, though he reminds me of some other characters I've crossed paths with - particularly Jensen and Storm. There's something to be said of a broken and hurt man raging through the world and masking his pain with anger. Then again, isn't that much of what men are these days?


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

Overall I think you both did quite well here. There were plenty of minor errors littering the piece. For example, saying peace instead of piece, a semi colon ending a paragraph, an i not capitalized, letters missing here and there. There were some inconsistencies, such as capitalizing Black Library in all but one case. You also used capitals in situations that I found a bit odd, such as Drow (it should be lower case, like human, to my knowledge). An editor would have caught most of the things, or at least questioned them, and it didn't take away from the remarkable story you both weaved.



Wildcard

This was a pleasure to read. Quite frankly I look forward to the next one, as there is bound to be more. Keep refining your craft, give things a proofread when done, and gamble on the full rubric. If you want the workshop feedback to boot, I'm told you can double dip. You two can break 65 pretty comfortably and deserve to be rewarded for your artful craftsmanship. I also like the cliffhanger ending. Next timeeeee on Skie and Seth!

Sorry I can't add more. Quite frankly I think you both outclass me as writers in much of this.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is closed. Rewards will be posted shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop Rewards
It's Not About Control

Jethro receives 190 EXP, 40 GP, and 4 AP.

Sir Artemis receives 1,045 EXP, 40 GP, and 4 AP.

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!

Thank you for your contributions to the Writers' Workshop!