Workshop: The Binds Of Fate

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: The Binds of Fate
Name of Authors: Raleigh and Cards Of Fate
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 13th February 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Have fun!

[Jethro]

Hi everybody! So I just read your thread Ray, Cards I like you guys and the whole dynamic between the two of yall is fun lets get started!

Story:

Storytelling: (7 Points) There is very few things as interesting as a development of a new thing. In this case an engine but that's just a plot forwarding device. What's really cool is the relationship between both of your characters. If tit wasn't for this relationship development my eyes would have glossed over from the techno babble.

Setting: (7 Points) Yeah I'll give it a 6. Don't take this bad you described your setting quite well. You know the saying about first impressions. The entrance to the cave and the elemental guardian were really cool. Ray the whole heart thumping between your ears and all was pretty boss!.

Pacing: (8 Points) The pace goes between slow during the back and forth conversations and then very quick during the fighting. I liked but then I'm easy to please. Frankly thanks to the kind of pacing it kept me reading thank you I'm going with an 8.

Character:

Communication: (8 Points) Ok I applaud your back and forth, the fights and all that. There was of course the verbal communication then you have beats like this
[/quote]Vincent stopped cold, the words he had prepared dying on his lips. Now, Rayleigh faced him, her jade eyes narrowed in confusion. He met those eyes, and held them, searching for the answers he suspected. Or, maybe the answers he did not, but he needed something. She offered him nothing, save for another word. “What?”[/quote]

It conveys a sense of dramatos it actually reminded me of a scene in Star Trek DS-9 where Worf and Dax were on Risa and Dax confronted Worf as to why he was acting like such an asshole.

Action: (6 Points) The action was off and on and it was more conversation than talking. I like action give me a Marvel, DC, J.J Abrhams movie any day. While the arguments and fighting was a whole lot of fun to read it's not exactly action. Maybe my idea of action is too narrow but this was more drama and I likes my drama as much as I like action. So yall get a 6 for not highering Michael Bay.

Persona: ( 8 Points) Both of your characters have pretty believable personalities which flare and spike when pissed and react how a real person would act. Ray I loved watching Rayleigh spool up at the height of the argument. I have seen this happen it is very frightening and Cards Vincent's "holy shit" moment when he saw his plan fall apart was spot on.

Prose:

Mechanics: (10 Points) Me fail english! That's uNpossible?

Clarity: (8 Points) The plot of this thread was really clear, the emotions of the characters were really clear and the conversations were too. I'd love to actually just gundeck this and give you 10's across the board but then the point of a workshop is to figure out what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. Your writing is clearer than mine I hope to write as well as yall one day.

Technique: (8 Points) As above with the Mechanics I'm not too strong at this. But you both used your inner thoughts well to continue the plot.

Wildcard: All in all this was a pretty boss thread and I got a lot of work cut out for my self. I'm giving you an extra 10 here because well I'm generous and I liked reading your thread.

Total 80.

[Breaker]

Hello and thank you for choosing The Writers' Workshop! If you have any questions about my commentary or want anything clarified, feel free to PM me. Firstly let me congratulate both of you on a job well done - this thread flowed nicely and made for an easy, enjoyable read. Now, let's get down to business...

Storytelling
Cards: I felt you started off a little weak in this area. While you did situate the reader and present an intriguing character in Vincent, the first post lacked any real kind of narrative hook that would have compelled me to keep reading if I hadn't already intended to read the whole thread. However I felt like your story telling improved as the thread wore on, and appreciated your ability to move the thread at different speeds, with seconds or weeks passing to suit your need.

Ray: The hook that I wanted in the first post appeared in the form of Rayleigh's black box. It was an elegant way of introducing your character's backstory, and the first thing that really drew me in as a reader. This may just be my preference, but I felt the thread would have benefited from Rayleigh's post going first. Also I felt this story deserved to be a bit longer, there was room for an exciting climax at the end where something or someone could have prevented the trio from installing the water filtration system, and I would have liked to see that explored.

Setting
Cards: You situated the reader well and provided an adequate description of the opening setting. I would have liked to see more detail and care than you showed, and I'll provide some suggestions for how to do this in Technique. I really liked the way you described Vincent's speed impacting the world around him, and the transition from the tinkering room to the humid jungle. Overall I thought your setting work was decent, but with a little more focus on it it could be excellent.

Ray: I liked your opening line a lot, it lent a considerable amount to the feeling of the empty, quiet room. Although the room was dark (or at least seemed so), I think you could have benefited from having Rayleigh note a few details about it... architectural details, or a personal item like some sort of machine, that would have given it some character beyond the box and the trunk. Noting the specific pieces of clothing she hid it beneath was a nice touch though. After the opening scene however, you seemed to somewhat leave the setting up to Cards, and I would have liked to see it fleshed out a bit more from Rayleigh's perspective.

Pacing

The pacing for both of you was strong and well controlled throughout. The thread moved quickly when it needed to, and slowed when appropriate. It built suspense around plot points, and eased tension as events unraveled. The ending came a little abruptly for my liking but otherwise this thread had a nice flow.

Communication
Cards: Normally I bug people about their dialogue being "too earth-like" or "not Althanas-y enough" but with Vincent being from earth, you cleverly circumvent that. After the initial mention that he was from earth, I was consistently reminded of Vincent's origins by the way he talks, and amused by your dialogue in general. Well done!

Ray: Your dialogue is strong overall and consistent, and does a lot to help build a three dimensional picture of the characters. The one thing that I can think to recommend as an improvement would be for you to come up with unique turns of phrase that demonstrate Rayleigh's Aleran roots. I love seeing idioms that are specific to an Althanas region, and I think you could come up with some brilliant ones.

Action

Cards: You use action to tell a great deal about Vincent, starting right away with the way he punches his man in the arm and the way he moves around. The bit where he nestles his face on Rayleigh's shoulder also stuck with me, you really put in the work to demonstrate that Vince is in fact a "hugger".

Ray: You do a great job of letting your character's actions naturally lead into more in depth introspection, such as turning over the black box at the beginning and the way she rooted through the box of machine parts. One thing I think you could stand to use a bit more of is body language; at times you fall into a pattern of telling how Rayleigh feels, when you could be showing a bit more through simple actions.

Persona

You both have a solid grasp on your characters' personas (personae?), and I got a fairly strong feeling from the get-go of the kinds of people Vincent and Rayleigh are. This only grew stronger as the thread developed, and you played off one another very well. I would have appreciated a little more development of John Cromwell early on - I know he's a PC and such, but in the first half of the thread he was little more than a namedrop. You remedied this in the latter end, but I still think the story could have benefited from a little more information on him early on, especially since he was practically the only other character in the story.

Mechanics

For the most part this was fairly clean, although I did notice a number of small errors in Cards' posts... little things like missed apostrophes or small spelling errors. My best advice for correcting this is to read your post back to yourself out loud, that tends to slow things down and make errors a bit easier to spot, and has the added benefit of showing you how the post flows.

Clarity
Cards: You have a tendency to, on occasion, repeat a word so many times in a single paragraph that it becomes jarring. When you come across this in editing, consider using a thesaurus or changing the structure of your sentences a bit. Otherwise good work, you kept things clear and understandable throughout.

Ray: No real issues here, well done!

Technique

Cards: I felt like your description of the setting in your opening post missed some opportunities for literary devices. Rather than saying "It was a bright and sunny day," try using the sun as the subject of the sentence. For example "The sun blazed" or even "the sun shone," would have set you up to use some personification like "the sun shone fiercely" or to take it in a different direction, "the sun looked down on Raiaera". When you did use literary devices, they were fairly strong; the comparison of the humidity hitting Ray like a truck stuck with me in particular.

Ray: From the first line of your first post, your work with literary devices was very strong. I saw examples of personification, metaphors, similes, and for the most part they served their purposes perfectly. The only example I can think of that struck me the wrong way was when you referred to Rayleigh as being cold as ice as well as carved from stone (or something along those lines). Putting two such similar comparisons so close together is a bit purple in my opinion, and I think that choosing one or the other would have served your purpose better.

Wildcard: Great work by both of you! This was an enjoyable quick read, and the star of the thread without question was the character work from both of you. I look forward to seeing more adventures between Vincent and Rayleigh, and I hope that she remains in Tarot!

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

I think this was a wonderfully orchestrated piece between the two of you. Though there was a goal in mind for the whole thing, the procession seemed more about a relationship between two people, riding the tracks of Vincent's agenda - both of being a hero and of keeping his friend. It was really well done in its simplicity as well as its elegance. The settings were not overly done but sufficient to give me the images I needed, and I think in some respect the reality of how much this thread was centered around the two characters gave less emphasis and requirement to where exactly all the things were happening.


Character
Communcation, Action, and Persona

Such a woman, Ray =p but honestly, this was very raw and real and the two characters definitely shone through. I know a bit more of Vince and have read his stuff, so his character was more clear to me and consistent with what I know. It's harder for me to gauge Rayleigh because I've read little and don't want to overly compare her to the author. All the same, the behaviors and actions and body language were all very expressive and made sense under each circumstance. I also like John's role, even though that was a cameo of sorts, because it too fit and was very much in character. This entire section flowed quite well.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

I think as is often the case, plenty of small errors littered the piece. I rarely find a thread that is brushed through. Maybe that's an element of workshops and the fixed score, but all the same it did not detract from the piece and was overall still well constructed and written. I think the buildup to the final confrontation and placing it as almost a passenger beside the driver of the engine (punny) in the plotline worked quite well in sort of building up to this confrontation in a subtle and approachable way. The final scene was powerful, if imperfect in some ways, but also fit very nicely into the narrative.



Wildcard

This was a pleasure to read. In a sense I wish I had the past of these two characters to fill in the blanks but even in the absence of that I am still able to empathize and be happy for them in such a brief thread, which is something to be said of the authors. You built a connection to the characters in such a brief time and gave me as a reader a reason to be invested in a happy ending. Though admittedly I would have been okay with her leaving still, in both cases it still had to feel right. Only time will tell if the right choice was made.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Story

I am somewhere between Breaker and Artemis on this. I felt you started off slowly, which made the thread hard to get into, but then we saw some solid progression as the thread carried on. The black box was a fascinating device to keep that level of intrigue going and made me want to read more. Much like Breaker thought, I also felt that if that had been the opening post it would have changed the pacing and structure of the story for the better, but overall the quality of the thread was there to be seen. The relationship between Rayleigh and Vincent is a fascinating one indeed and you have some really strong character development in there as well to further tie your characters together. Also - I love technologically themed threads. They are hard to come by because of our style of writing but Rayleigh was a perfect fit for this and the boy in me loves stories about engines and systems.

Setting

I didn't think setting was your strongest suite in this thread, but I also wondered if it was the kind of thread that needed to be setting heavy in the first place. Ray, having worked on threads with you before I can say that this is one area I believe you are usually strong with, but a bit later in the thread you sort of defer a lot of the heavy details to Cards. You more than make up for this in other areas, so it was hardly a concern, but it was just something I picked up as the thread progressed. Vincent was a little more liberal with his use of setting and I enjoyed the way he affected it. Post 9 was your strongest here; the trip to Dhethean. It seemed like something out of Back to the Future and I grinned to myself a bit when I read it

Pacing

Not a great deal to say about the pacing, actually. Everything flowed fairly smoothly from one post to the next and I never felt jarred or bored. I would agree that the ending felt a bit sudden but I'm not sure I could have come up with anything better myself in your shoes, so good job.

Communication

I love Vincent and the way he communicates. He comes from Earth and you can really tell it; all of the little nuances and phrases are light and enjoyable, really making everything about the way he speaks and thinks fit. The same goes for Ray; you are very consistent, your dialogue carries emotions well and you complimented Vincent well in this thread. I think Breaker makes a good point when he says he would have liked to see more Alerarian roots in Rayleigh's speech; whilst not exactly a deal breaker for me, with Vincent taking on board an "Earth" persuasion in his speech, Rayleigh might benefit from something similar in her mannerisms. Just food for thought, really. Also quite hypocritical coming from me!

Action and Persona

Nothing in the thread stood out as being out of place and thought that might be a simple enough thing, it is an important detail when reading someone else's work. Vincent did exactly what I would expect Vincent to do - he's an expressive person, he works fast, he is extremely talented and clever when it comes to machinery and everything he undertook in the thread made sense. Same for Rayleigh - like Vincent, she too is expressive. She's a master mechanic and she works hard for Vincent, but chides him when after two weeks she still doesn't understand why Vincent keeps quiet about their project.

What I like about you two is that you have Vincent and Ray completely figured out. There aren't any grey areas when it comes to the types of people they are, the kinds of things they do and how they work together and relate to each other. I still struggle even now to really pin down Shinsou the way I want him, as I often find that the people I write with all have different ideas of what he is. Kudos to you both for not deviating!

Finally, I liked the John Cromwell cameo - I thought you gave him more of a nod than anything, which was nice, without needing to elaborate massively.

Mechanics

Cards was the weaker writer here on account of silly typos and the odd grammatical error. It really wasn't much to scream about though - mis-spelling Dhethean as “Dehethain" is hardly something we should be jumping up and down about - and for the most part the thread was good. Rayleigh was solid in this area, with very little to complain about. Good work!

Clarity

Cards, I do agree with Breaker that you tend to repeat words a lot when you are writing. As someone who suffered from this early on in his Althanas experience I completely feel for you here because it can be hard to keep a piece fresh, especially when you are writing a lot, and there are only a finite number of ways to say something. That said, the occasional shake up to use alternatives can do wonders for the flow of a piece. Other than that though I don't think anything was unclear or confusing Well done!

Technique

Overall, I thought you did a good job between you. When you did use literary devices, they were strong and freshened up the writing. This is an area that I think Rayleigh is exceptional at and Cards; you aren't far behind. I saw some fantastic examples of personification and metaphors that seasoned the writing very well. It wasn't that they were overly complex or intricate, but suited the piece well. One small snippet I liked in particular was:

With a snap of his fingers, the scholar beckoned a surge of blue energy to ignite from thin air and crackle menacingly for a moment before it began to swirl rapidly. The result was a massive circle of teal, projecting the strange image of a tropical jungle.

Lovely bit of visualization, that.

Wildcard

Threads between you two carry a certain hallmark now. They are enjoyable, easy to read and more often than not lighthearted. I enjoyed this as a quick read that got away from some of the heavier stuff I have been writing over the past few months, and it is quite clear you are both moving Vincent and Ray in a fantastic direction. The future is bright! Thank you for providing us with a great thread!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is closed. Rewards to follow shortly.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Jethro receives 140 EXP, 30 GP and 4 AP!
Breaker receives 1190 EXP, 30 GP and 4 AP!
SirArtemis receives 840 EXP, 30 GP and 4 AP!
Shinsou receives 770 EXP, 30 GP and 4 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards have been added!