Workshop: A Most Dangerous Game

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: A Most Dangerous Game
Name of Authors: Cards of Fate, Fez the Kid, Redford
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 29 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 16th February 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Have fun!

[Jethro]

So hello I'm jethro/jdd2035 the three of yall know me so lets get started.

I really like the slow boil of this story. I like action I really really like action but action with out context is just kind of blah it's one of the reasons why the Mortal Kombat movies didn't really work. Your story was more like The Untouchables where the scene is developed before any action actually starts. The key to any action scene is geography and direction; geography tells you where all the pieces are while the direction tells you how the pieces act. As the story went on you described the geography in which you were traveling through before the fist ambush. During the action I knew where each character was with out having to map it out or out right guess. The writing was incredibly clear with internal and external dialogue forwarding the plot quite well.

By the way of special note Fez when I first started playing back in September or so of 2015 your use of tenses and switching between first and third person. You have really improved in this regard congratulations.

Aside from a few fat fingers I can't find any real faults in your mechanics or spelling so I'm not going really comment much on it. All in all this is a really well written and thought out and I hope that Anubis makes a good ally to the Tarot.

[Jake Narmolanya]

Hello, and thank you for choosing The Writers' Workshop! If you have any questions about my review or want anything clarified feel free to PM me. This was a fun thread with lots of neat character interaction and action. Without further ado, onto the commentary!

Plot

This story had a strong opening that drew me in and made me curious about Tarot and who the new member would be. I liked the way you guys introduced your characters and NPCs, although I would like to have seen a bit more process involved in Anubis and Vincent deciding to work together. That part seemed a little contrary to the confrontational character work that was going on. I also really liked the way you brought redford into the thread partway through. That kind of thing can be risky but I'm a big fan of people playing different parts and unconventional posting orders, so long as it serves the thread's purpose, and in this case, it did. I also appreciated the time you put into your conclusion, with Anubis being injured and brought back to the House of Cards.

Character

The characters are really what made this story; not just the main player characters, but the NPCs as well. Anubis' relationship with Merka, the way Vincent's followers respected him, and redford's terse internal dialogue all helped shape the characters in play. I do have one piece of advice here specific to Fez; try not to repeat the action or dialogue from the previous post in yours. Although it often seems logical to give your character's take on what happened, it causes the action to drag and can make a reader wonder whether the same thing is happening all over again. Other than that the action scenes were well written and easy to follow, which is a big plus for me.

Prose

There were a few technical errors here and there, but nothing overly glaring. Some of the descriptions of setting and action were very robust and well executed, and Fred's line about french kissing a freight train made me chuckle. One thing that could have been improved upon was the execution of the "surprise" that redford would be disguised as a yeti. I'm not sure of your intent here, but I think the whole thing would have been a bit more dramatic and funnier if it had taken them a few posts to find John, rather than him just being right there all of a sudden. This is a rare case of being overly clear with your intentions; sometimes it is good to make the reader wonder what's going to happen for awhile.

I know this one wasn't long, but I hope you all can glean a little something from my commentary. I look forward to the next installment from the good folks at Tarot!

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

I think overall the story had a purpose that I could follow and events unfolded pretty reasonably. Vincent needed to track down Anubis to test him, and he had a general idea where he was. Using his mental dowsing rod ability, he honed in, and got to work in plotting out this hunt, when really it was all a trap to have John do his deed. All for the sake of initiation. Though, I still can't tell which card/role Fez is supposed to be. Is everything about fighting?

Overall the scenes were painted well enough for me to fill in the blanks. I saw the carriage rolling along a very Skyrim-esque scenery toward town. I saw a tavern with a fireplace and booths, where the two bands first met. And I saw a forest, very Game of Thrones, with trees, still green and acclimated to the climate, obscuring the scene behind rocks and snowy ground. I could fill in the blanks well enough to keep the focus on the events and characters.

The pace of this thread was rather quick, but the only part that I thought was forced along was John's yeti arrival. Having a preset location would have been nicer, with them moving toward a cave or something where they told John to wait. Some sort of hunt. As it stands, he's just there, waiting to roar.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

I really have a good gauge I think of John and Vincent at this point, and for the most part they stuck true. The long-winded explanation of John about the Tarot, though wonderful, seemed out of place - especially after earlier in the thread mentioning the longest comment he'd ever heard John make was eight words long. Everything else mostly made sense, though Merka seemed mostly absent. Like a cosmetic follower pet you get in a video game.

Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

As per usual, this thread could have benefited from a bit more tidying up and maybe reading aloud. In general though, it didn't impede clarity too much. There were two major elements that hung me up/bothered me. The first is the conflict of drave and drake. I don't know what a drave is but it felt very werewolfey to me. A drake is something else entirely, and you two seemed to disagree on that, which was super confusing. The second is this tendency for writers to replay the events of the prior post at the start of their own as though through their characters eyes. I think that's really unnecessary and bogs down a story immensely. If anything messed with your pace, it's that, and if anything really took away clarity and the momentum of the story, it's the constant rewinds. You can always add to a scene/event without having to constantly rewind slightly to do so. I would highly discourage doing the rewinding in the future.



Wildcard

I think overall this was a pleasurable and easy read. John and Vincent have a very interconnected writing style that flows pretty well, which I expect comes from their many collaborations. Fez's style was a sharp contrast which in its own weird way emphasized how he is not of the Tarot. I will say I still have absolutely no idea what card or role Fez is meant to play in the Tarot. I'd also love to know about this Ai'Brone monk of yours who seems to be a golem you keep in your house - that's weird and unexpected/unexplained.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is closed. Rewards to follow shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop Rewards
A Most Dangerous Game

Jethro receives 290 EXP, 40 GP, 2 AP.
Jake Narmolanya receives 580 EXP, 40 GP, 4 AP.
SirArtemis receives 1,595 EXP, 40 GP, 4 AP.

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!

Thank you for your contributions to the Writers' Workshop!