Thread: The Death of a Deity
Participants: Shinsou & Breaker
Type: Condensed

Howdy, gentlemen. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of working with this thread. It was a lot of fun to read and judge. I hope that you find my suggestions helpful. I found listening to the Curse of the Black Pearl soundtrack pretty fitting while I read this.


Plot: 20/30

I commend you both on writing a very fun story! The prison break was a fantastic way to open, and it had me hooked from the get-go. I also thought that your time-lapse from the first to second post was nicely done as well. Often, writers feel the need to expand on "flashback" events until their use is no longer effective. This scene had just the right amount of attention, then veered back to the here and now. While this also improved your "Pacing score" (if we pretend this was a full judgment, which I kind of made it anyway), it positively affected the overall story as well. The rest of the story was split into what I consider two parts - with Olin, and without Olin. After his death, the story's focus shifted. I much preferred the first part, as the pacing felt more believable. Draconus felt a bit "tacked on" to the end, which don't think did a Thayne of such magnitude justice. As I'll explain in the next section, Olin was also by far my favorite part of this piece.

Pacing was very hit or miss with you both. There were some scenes that I thought were just perfect. The opening, as I mentioned earlier, for example. The fight scene in the bar (post 6) was also just the right length. One of my biggest pet peeves, as Shin can attest, is drawn-out combat. I was readying myself for it here, but I was pleasantly surprised. Then there were parts that went on far too long. I thought post 7 was far too description heavy, especially with the Hierophant's entrance. Describing the exact path she took across the tops of the buildings detracted from the rest of the story, and bogged me down. While description is important, I would encourage you to make sure it all serves a purpose. As my English teacher once told me, "every single word you write should be deliberate." Easier said than done, of course, but it is worth keeping in mind! The element of pacing that lacked the most was the battle with Draconous. He was located in a couple of posts, and killed in only a handful of paragraphs. While I understand that the whole thread was meant to be a build-up, I had already seen the rise and fall of action with Olin's death. To add another fight of such importance in the last couple thousand words seemed out of place. For me, it cheapened the whole experience. I almost wish you had made a second thread for Draconus!

Setting, I felt, also had its strengths and weaknesses. You both are exceptional at it, as I could tell in some places. For example, you both have a habit of starting your posts very setting-heavy, but you then let it trickle away as you write on. Setting the scene is important, but to totally immerse your reader, you have to keep that flame burning. Keep referencing it, and always think about how it affects everything your characters do. The cave in post 14 was a missed opportunity - I would have loved to have been able to better picture Draconus' lair. Like pacing, neither of you are bad at setting, by any means. I just look for more consistency!


Character: 20/30

Let me start by saying OLIN WAS AMAZING. So rarely am I ever so drawn to a character, especially one that isn't necessarily a main character, ESPECIALLY one that is a villain. But you both just put so much thought into how you wrote him. How he spoke in sing-song rhymes, how he reacted to bad news, and how he was constantly thinking of such devilish deeds (servants cleaning up the dirt with their tongues?!). It was all exceptional. I found myself more than a little disappointed when he was killed, which is probably worrisome, considering he was a terrible man. But he brought so much life to your story. He was so unique.

Though you both wrote Breaker and Shin very well, I found that they were less unique. Shin, this advice will probably sound quite familiar. Either Breaker and Shin are both similar characters, or you are both similar writers, but I had a difficult time telling the two of them apart. That happens when there is heavy bunnying happens - it can be more difficult to tell the characters apart. I did notice that Shin was more apt to internal monologue and swearing, but that was about it. I would encourage each of you to consider quirks for your characters, to help them stand out a bit more. Consider their pasts, their preferences, and how those might affect their behavior or mannerisms. Again, this is higher-level stuff. You're both skilled, this is just meant to push you a bit more. Overall, what your characters did and said made sense, but how can you take good writing and make it exceptional?

In terms of persona, I did note a few times that I thought really stood out. Shin, your reflection of how your character has changed in post 3 (the internal monologue) helped me get a feel for what kind of man he is, and why. I also liked that Olin drew in breath and looked at his servants just to watch them flinch. And the way that he used his right hand man as a meat shield. I just liked Olin.


Prose: 19/30

Mechanics were both a strength and a weakness, depending on how you looked at them. In terms of blatant spelling errors, you had only one that I found during my two readings. That's evidence of proof-reading, and that always earns a writer kudos in my book. You'd be surprised how many people never re-read what they've written before submitting it. There were some other mechanics issues, however, that brought your score down. First, there were many missing commas. I'm normally lenient on commas, because I consider myself overly comma-happy. But your comma use was inconsistent. Sometimes you used them, but in nearly identical sentences, you didn't. There were a few things that were mistyped, such as a comma coming after a quotation mark in dialogue. And finally, there were a number of run-on sentences that bogged me down. For example, in post 3,
The Brotherhood's contacts had their snouts to the ground to look for any trace of Sam's partners but violent attacks on the informants had trebled and soon enough information had dried up like a Fallien watering hole in the summer.
This isn't a bad line, at all. But it is too wordy. I'd encourage you to see how it could be broken up with more punctuation. If you would like more examples of sentences like this, please let me know.

These overly-complex sentences did contribute to some clarity issues, but only to the extent that I had to re-read, or read aloud. Other confusion stemmed from not knowing enough about these characters. I always read a thread as if it is the only thing by that author I've seen. As such, I had no idea who Am'aleh was until half-way through the thread, when I vaguely remembered another thread I'd read from Breaker. If I were to have stuck to my rule, I wonder if I would have ever really known who she was, or what her relationship with Breaker was. Maybe in his last post? A quick reminder of who she was, from either one of you, would have been helpful. I know I could just look at a character sheet, and some judges probably might, but I like to have it all in the story where possible.

The largest source of confusion was the names used. Olin, for example, went by Olin, Rutland, Olin Rutland, the Lunatic, all interchangeably. Then there was Darrin, Hornsby, Darrin Hornsby, the enforcer. Then there were a couple of instances when you described your characters by their appearance. Sometimes you favored first names, other times, last names.When these are characters I know well, and there are only a couple in the story, it isn't such a big deal. But you both created a huge, diverse cast of characters: Olin, Darrin, Roderick, the Hierophant, Draconus, Am'aleh, Shin, Joshua. If they each have a whole slew of names, it can be very difficult to keep them straight. I made a cheat sheet.

Technique was your strongest area here. Breaker had some really fantastic instances of alliteration, which is one of my favorites. There were many similes and metaphors, and some neat imagery. I even liked the expressions that were used. Still, I have to comment on the use of "another thing coming." It was my understanding that the phrase was intended to be "another think coming." Granted, this certainly did not affect your score in the slightest, because, you know, Judas Priest.


Wildcard: 8/10

Not only did your thread contain one of my new favorite characters, it also inspired me to pull up my own story and start writing. Few authors have done the same for me. Thank you.


Final Score: 67/100

Breaker receives:

  • 5,050 EXP!
  • 275 GP!


Shinsou receives:

  • 3,800 EXP!
  • 275 GP!

Congratulations!