Workshop: Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die
Name of Authors: Philomel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 17 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 28th February 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Have fun!

[jdd2035]

Story:
Storytelling: (8 Points) Phil I like the style of story telling you have here. There is definitely a air of mystique to the red forest and the creature that was being hunted. Further the description of Philomel's abilities manifesting is really good. I can not complain about your form of story telling it is well thought out and gives me a sense of whats going on in a fast concise way.

Setting: (8 Points) This is no Disney movie...Except for maybe Sleeping Beauty or the Black Cauldron. The description of the red forest's current "spiritual conflict" between

bloody decay and goodness attempting to sneak through.

You described the geography quite well and geography in any action scene is really important. If you do not establish where every one and every thing is then when you describe any sort of action it kind of make the audience frustrated as they try to figure out where the attacks are coming from. In short if you don'e establish the geography the reader can easily say "WTF is going on yo?!"

Pacing: (8 Points) You started off slow but then so does a train, though if I were to describe your pace in a runners term your story wound up running at about a 5K pace. Not too fast, not too slow but fast enough for a reader to enjoy the story. That is in stark contrast of what a lot of people do which is more plod sprint plod sprint plod sprint. That gives the reader mental shin splints and for me personally my eyes gloss over when that happens.

Character:

Communication: (7 Points) As I have said before in this workshop you have conveyed your story well. Your communication is clear for the most part. But the blind intro is something of a trick to get past it makes the reader work harder to figure out what's going on. I had to reread the fist few posts to get a real good sense that Philomel was not the beast at the start of the thread. It's not really a huge issue but it's something that some people might find jarring. Just something to note, on TV/Movies like Star Gate Atlantis, SG-1 Star Trek into Darkness it works but that's because the viewer can see oh that's Kirk or hey the McKay! I recognize those people. In books how ever it turns into a different kind of animal because a person has to do the extra work of paying attention to written detail rather than just visual clues.

Action: (8 Points) Phil

a crack began to thunder through the soil beneath her, a jagged line at first that quickly and steadily extended out before her.

That is clear, that is concise that is something of a small set piece. Your action is really good combined with the setting I know where you are in relation to the beast and so I know where you are attacking, I know what you are attacking with and you through past threads aren't coming up with a Deaus Ex Machin yeah she's that bad ass kind of problem a lot of stories produce. I know you are that good because you have developed your character before this point.

Persona: (8 Points) You have shown that you have played this character for years. You know her personality and how she thinks. Your development doesn't start right at this moment. She has strengths she has weaknesses she can be vulnerable while at the same time she can be a labyrinth of quirks. A character, a good character is not a two dimensional object, yeah it works to a point in Hasbro cartoons circa Gen 1 Transformers or Masters of the Universe but once you get past the age of 7 it starts falling a little flat. It's part of the reason a lot of action movies fail to give the kind of impact the producers want.

Prose:

Mechanics: (10 Points) You can spell and put comma's and colons in the right spot.

Clarity: (8 Points) Like I have said at least twice in this workshop your writing is clear I do not know what else to put here. Bravo Zulu for a job well done.

Technique: (10 Points) Like in Mechanics this is not my strong suit. You have written very well I enjoyed reading your story. Good job.

Wildcard: Unicorn Bunny Fox Thing!

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Admittedly, this seemed far less a story than a scene. It didn't really fit into any larger picture for me which really made the whole experience far less engaging unfortunately. It was like tuning into a major action scene in a movie that's twenty minutes in, seeing something cool happen, then moving along. The thing is, I think this could have very easily been addressed by a single post that prefaced the story and why you were hunting this damn thing. Or even a storytelling approach where you are at a tavern and recounting the events of how you got this sword. That would have taken this scene and put it somewhere that made sense. Aside from that, the actual pace was fine for me, and the setting was average. There were times where you noted that I was in a forest but for the most part the entire thread was focused on what the four participants were doing.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

There wasn't too much persona or communication here as it was an all-action based scene. The abrupt dropping of Veridian before telling me he dies all the time left me a bit confused, and the order of presentation there could have helped. I think in general this thread felt more like an experiment in writing out an action scene, which is fine. Just makes it difficult to invest myself as a reader.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

From what I was told, this was done in a power-post sort of way, and it showed unfortunately. The thread read pretty clunky, with some sentences having four or five commas strung together before you cut it with a period. It dropped clarity quite a bit. Typos in almost every post, redundant words, and words that should have been deleted also came out. Going back and rereading your work aloud is a big help, even one post at a time. I can understand not wanting to do that as you power post, but giving it a once-over when done could be a worthwhile courtesy to the reader.


Wildcard

Overall this read a lot more like a writing exercise for you than a story you wanted to share and get feedback on. In that respect I think it was constructive and helpful for you. There were pieces where I lost the imagery but overall I was able to piece together the events in a cohesive way. That, in general, can be difficult as a writer when trying to portray action sequences with just words.

However, and maybe that's an issue with the workshop submission giving a higher default score than a no-judgment submission, this left me struggling to give constructive feedback. It seemed that why it ended up here was the 65 score. I read a 17 post action scene that got sliced out of a larger story-line.

With that in mind, I would suggest trying to shorten your sentences and be more direct. I would encourage you to utilize your setting more, potentially using the environment in the combat itself. I would definitely suggest reading it aloud. And lastly, I would ask yourself as a writer if you are trying to present a narrative in the context of a novel or whether you're trying to be a storyteller in a conversational sense. You jumped between the two and shifts can be disorienting as a reader. Conversational storytelling as we do in person sounds very different than writing, so something to keep in mind.

I hope that was helpful. I'm sorry I can't offer more.

[Philomel]

Thank you so much guys on these comments. I really appreciate it

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow shortly.

[Rayleigh]

Workshop Rewards
Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die

jdd2035 receives 340 EXP, 35 GP, 4 AP.
SirArtemis receives 935 EXP, 35 GP, 4 AP.

[Rayleigh]

All rewards added!

Thank you for your contribution to the Writers' Workshop!