~A call for Blood.~

[Lexxum_Vordic]

BLAM!

Blood poured from the mouth of Lexxum Vordic as he tried to tear through that damned coat. It's high quality...damn... But the important thing was the fact that he'd injured the man before him and he had injured him -badly-. Lexxum felt the bullet in his abdomen area, which was also armoured, but it was still enough to cause another injury. Lexxum knew he was being torn apart despite the psychotic rage that was coursing through his mind and soul. Lexxum howled for a moment and released his deadly grip of the man's shoulder.

Blood poured freely from his mouth, the beast looked even more terrifying.

Lexxum took a moment to look down at the gaping wound.

If not for his powerful scales, the bullet would have been lethal.

The bullet had caused a serious injury and Lexxxum was freely bleeding as well. He growled angrily at that. And clutched at where the bullet fragments were lodged in his body. It hadn't pierced through his thick scales, but it lodged itself in at point-blank range. There were smaller fragments in his body from where the bullet had shattered on his body. Blood freely poured from the injury. Lexxum took two steps backwards, despite his psychotic rage.

The pain was causing him to focus better, see his psychotic rage as it was.

As Lexxum stood there he considered the next part of his movements. He looked at Cain for a moment and prepared the last part of the assault. Then an idea struck him. He turned to look at the cavalry sword that was on the ground, several feet away. Lexxum drew Tap Reaver as the idea dawned on him. Time to return the favour... Lexxum dashed off towards the sword on the ground with Tap Reaver in tow. Once he'd covered enough range, Lexxum charged up the power of his weapon and launched one of his last two remaining charges of his weapon's power. Then, he fired off the blast at the intended target. The target was the man's fallen cavalry sword...

[jdd2035]

Cain reached for the hilt of his opponents sword intent on swiping it as he was thrown off but to no avail only the tip of his fingers were able to even touch it before he was flung to the ground. The wrenching action from the beast jaws coupled with the hard landing was enough to pull his arm out of its socket not enough to dislocate it but enough to make it the ball grind on the socket it self bone on bone a cringe worthy sound that echoed in Cain's ears. The opposite arm of his coat had began to pool with blood and leaking out of the crook of the elbow from where the creature had so savagely clawed at it.

Cain should have been in pain and in fact he was in a catastrophic amount of pain but a terrific amount of adrenaline was coursing through through his veins. His eyes were becoming more wild and he began to laugh his charred and lacerated face twisting into an even more horrid grin. Cain swore oaths, grunted and howled like an animal and became incomprehensible.

The creature lots its feral gleam the wheels began to turn once more within its head. It turned and started for his cavalry saber while drawing its own massive sword. Cain scrambled to his feet and made chase making a yard and a half for every yard the beast made laughing all the way but arrived too late to prevent the beasts own caper.

The creature had made an incredible mistake leaving an opening it turned its back to Cain to fire its sword at his saber. Cain leaped into the air whipping his weapon belt from his waist and around the creatures neck planting his feet into its back and rearing back like a green rider on a wild horse. In that same instant the mix of raw magical energy mixing with violently with raw magical energy erupted in a violent explosion sending fire elemental energy, lightning elemental energy, sand and razor sharp steel shrapnel charged with magical energy in every direction. Cains shoulder snapped, crackled and popped as the rodeo began and he kept laughing and swearing oaths.

[Lexxum_Vordic]

This is my conclusion post.

His plan had somehow completely missed.

He fired off the tap energy and it flew off in an unintended direction.

There was an explosion in the distance, and Cain's sword sat, unscathed on the ground.

"Shit!" Lexxum's quick eyes saw Cain attempting to attack with a different weapon all together.

He'd used his belt as a sort of makeshift rope and Lexxum was not going to have any of that. Instead of the weapon belt wrapping itself around Lexxum's neck...Lexxum quickly raised his already injured arm. It was a gamble, but one that would pay off. The weapon belt wrapped itself painfully around Lexxum's injured forearm...not the intended target of his neck. Energy flew about everywhere and Lexxum howled in agony and soon passed out from the tremendous pain he felt.

The energy was enough to knock the beast out at that point...

He'd completely given up.

The End.

[jdd2035]

Cain fell to the ground just after his opponent had passed out. He could have taking up the fiery great sword and finished off the creature but instead he just found a rock and sat down. His face was charred and he could feel the blood congealing in the deep lacerations in his face and fore arm. The blood that had pooled in the sleeve of his coat was not cold and what ever was not burned or clawed open was peppered with sand and shrapnel. There he chuckled as the adrenaline high began to wear off and the pain began to set in. Moments later the world began to vanish around him and his opponent starting from the melted hair on his head his body and equipment was instantaneously healed and replenished. After he was healed Cain step pout of the the arena.


End scene.

[Rayleigh]

Thread Title: A call for Blood
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: Lexxum_Vordic vs jdd2035

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Plot: 15 --- 14

Gentlemen, I would like to thank you both for the fun, quick fight. Very often, especially in fights, writers feel a need to drag out the action. They add too many details, which actually end up bogging the reader down. Neither of you fell into this trap, meaning that your pacing was, overall, quite nice. You also did a nice job of stating why it was that your characters were visiting the Citadel at all. That is one thing that I am always looking for, as I have never been a fan of fighting just to fight.

Setting was what hurt you both the most here. There were some instances that were very well done. JDD, your description of the arena in post two was very nice, and I enjoyed the bit about the scents; smells are often forgotten by writers, myself included! You also used your setting to your benefit in post four, when Cain climbed the wall. Lexxum, your descriptions in post five also stood out. But the extent to which you both described and used your setting was lacking. I understand how difficult it can be to remember setting in a combat-oriented thread, as opposed to a quest. Just remember that your readers still want to know the sights, sounds, and smells, as well as how the setting is affecting your character. It will really bring the scene to life, and make them feel that they are standing there in the arena!

I do have one individual nit-picks for you, JDD, and that has to do with pacing. I felt the end was very rushed, and while that can be blamed on both writers, your final post was where much of it stemmed from. Reflecting on his choice to leave Lexxum alive was nice, but why not put more time into describing his exit, or the sensation of everything healing? This felt like a missed opportunity in both setting and pacing. But on the plus side, I really liked the way that Cain thought he caused the rage in post ten. It added a cool new element to the story.

When it comes down to score, it was very close. For me, it boiled down to setting, which Lexxum incorporated a bit more than JDD.

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Character: 14 --- 16

One thing that I always look for when judging a fight is whether or not a character can take a hit. So often, writers are afraid to let their characters take damage, either because they are too attached, or they feel that it shows weakness. I was very pleased to see that both of you allowed your characters to be attacked. You both demonstrated your characters’ weaknesses as well, though perhaps JDD a bit more-so, in post four.

Unfortunately, your character taking damage also means that you need to explain how it affects them. There were many instances where you both described the outward damage (blood, or broken scales), but there was not much deeper than that. Do they become dizzy? Do the edges of their vision blur? Do they slow down? Do their steps take more effort than usual? Do they have a slight limp, or fall to the side when they try to walk? Do their hands shake, or their breath come with more difficulty? These little details make the scene more believable, more realistic, and add an extra dynamic to your writing. I would encourage you both to answer these questions as you write, and translate the answers into your stories.

A large portion of my character score stems from how well you both portray your chosen characters. Do your characters have certain phrases they use, or actions they resort to out of habit? Do these things make sense, when considering your character’s upbringing, lifestyle, tendencies, etc.? Little quirks can be very difficult to come up with, and use consistently. Believe me, I am struggling with this in my own writing! I did see a bit of this in your opening posts, Lexxum, especially in your inner monologue, but I had a much easier time getting a feel for who Cain was. Phrases like “fill your hands,” and the touching of the cap, really brought his seafaring ways to the forefront. What you had was nice, but I would challenge you both to do more.

Due to JDD’s attention to persona, he receives a slightly higher score in this category.

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Prose: 15 --- 13

In every judgment, I encourage my writers to proof-read before they submit their stories. As such, you should not be insulted when I ask you to do the same! There were a number of mistakes, some which caused clarity issues, many which simply detracted from the story being told.

Lexxum, one thing that I might recommend you look out for is repetition. This can be tough, because it is not easy to pick out with a simple read-through or spell-check. In post three, for example, you use the term “opponent” in just about every other sentence. That is an easy go-to in a battle, but what could you use instead? When one word is used far too often, it begins to lose meaning. I would also encourage you against using phrases like “more or less,” as you did in post seven. There is nothing grammatically incorrect about it, but it lessens the impact of your words. No need to add that unless it serves a specific purpose!

JDD, your writing suffered quite a bit from these mistakes. You swapped some words, such as “waste” instead of “waist” (post two), and “pout” instead of “out” (post fourteen). There were some missing letters in post six, and missing punctuation in post two. And, of course, the infamous commas. You know how comma-happy I am, but I always err on the side of caution where they are involved. Commas help your readers digest the words, and make meaning of them. Long sentences without commas are like running without knowing when to stop - it becomes difficult to know just what you should be doing with the information. Try reading your posts out-loud. If there is a natural break in your speech, or a place where you take a breath, put a comma.

When it comes to technique, however, I felt JDD had a slight upper-hand. JDD, I enjoyed the way that you wove the rodeo theme through your twelfth post. Furthermore, my pun-loving side really appreciated how you used the term “shocking surprise.” Lexxum, you did a really nice job with your internal monologue in your first post, but I wish you had carried that throughout in a more apparent way. Overall, there were hints of really nice technique, but you could spice up your writing with a bit more.

For prose, Lexxum received a higher score due to fewer mechanical errors and clarity issues. However, JDD’s attention to technique earned him nearly equal marks.

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Wildcard: 5 --- 5

This was a neat little fight - thank you for allowing me to judge it. As I have had the pleasure of working with both of you before (either as a judge or a writing partner), I know what it is you are capable of. I did not see many of the incredible things that I love about your quest-writing surface in this fight. As always, I encourage you not to let the combat overshadow all the wonderful things you can both do with your words.

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Final Score: 49---48

Lexxum_Vordic Wins!:

• 1000 EXP!
• 70 GP!

Congratulations!


JDD2035 Receives:

• 300 EXP!
• 35 GP!

[Rayleigh]

All rewards have been added!