Hey guys, thanks for choosing The Writers' Workshop! It's nice to see two veterans drop in with a cool battle, certainly spices things up around here. For me the best part of this thread was the character work and action from both of you. I thought you both added some great depth and story to this battle, and before I run out of things to say let's skip to the rubric. If you have any questions or want any clarification, feel free to contact me.
Plot
Pav: I thought you started off strong, your opening got my interest and you provided good background for the story of the battle. You also provided a good initial description of the antifirmament and what it is, which I enjoyed. In a sense, you literally used the setting to your character's advantage the entire time, however I felt like it could have been better represented in your writing throughout the thread, and I was disappointed that Elthas didn't have any tricks to employ unique to this setting. Your pacing was a little rocky, and I'll go into why in the Prose section.
Jack: You also started strong, with some informative dialogue and Lye's side of the backstory. I do think that you could have found a way to explain your OOC note IC, which would have made the opening even stronger in my opinion. You made good use of the setting both through its effects on Lye and finding ways to turn it to your character's advantage. Using the dead guy's weapon to cauterize a wound was a nice touch. Your pacing was pretty solid, with the odd hiccup here and there mostly due to occasional odd phrasing choices.
Character
Pav: I got to know Elthas pretty well in this thread, which is impressive for a battle. Your dialogue was a little bit hit and miss... there were some great moments, like when you gave your title a nod and alluded to Shakespeare, and there were also some awkward moments where the language just felt unnatural. I do feel like clarity of action is one of your weaker points. I often had trouble understanding exactly what Elthas was doing, and I think in this case, less is more. On some occasions you actually over described, which muddied up the flow of the action. Focus on keeping actions direct and to the point, and you'll be on a good path.
Jack: Lye is a very strong character for you, but I felt like in this thread his representation was a little shallow. There seemed to be a number of missed opportunities for you to go more in depth. Your dialogue was well characterized and consistent, I particularly enjoyed your intentional absence of spoken words during the majority of the fight. I must admit your NPCs felt a bit cliche, but I suppose that can happen to secondary characters in a battle, and in any case, they served their purposes. Your action is considerably clearer, but sometimes a bit thicker than necessary. Like with your dialogue though, I found Lye's actions strongly representative of his character.
Prose
Pav: You have some good technical foundations, but I'd like to see you work on implementing more literary devices in your writing. I feel like when you use them they work, but they're fairly rare. Since you are such a creative writer using more advanced techniques like personification will really play to your advantage. Mechanically, I just really think you need to proofread your posts better. If you don't already, try reading it to yourself out loud. This can help to spot the type of errors that a spellecheck misses. As for clarity, your writing does tend to be a bit muddy at times, and I found this impacted your pacing in a negative way. Try simplifying your descriptions of Elthas' actions, and I think you'll be on the right path.
Jack: You used some really great literary devices, I have a favorite or two quoted in my notes below. I think you could actually stand to use a few less metaphors and similes, employing only your strongest ones. Your writing is expressive and descriptive enough that some of your devices are simply unnecessary and feel purple as a result. Mechanically, I echo my comments for Pavel... you're not making any mistakes you don't know how to fix, it's just a matter of doing a proper proofread. Try doing so out loud, if you don't already. I appreciated the clarity of Lye's actions but I do think you could have done more to keep the reader situated in the moment.
Here are my rough notes in case you feel like reading through them:
Code:
Post 1: Interesting introduction, good descriptions of the antifirmament, could have been clearer and better phrased, overall good.
Post 2: Good use of NPCs/dialogue to set the stage, although they were a little cliched, and the fact the thugs were brothers should have been mentioned sooner rather than at the end.
Post 3: Strange to say "he could speak to Lichensith and perhaps reach him" and then flip to "Either way... one of them was going down."
Post 4: Seems odd to call members of the clan "advocates", "firelight pale skin" created an odd mental image.
Post 5: Be careful with your phrasing "Elthas for a moment" should be "For a moment Elthas". It seemed odd that Elthas smiled when going from sad to enraged. Consistently refering to his actions as "not heroic" is a little bit jarring; who thinks of thesmelf in those terms? Rather than saying "best speed" try to describe his speed, such as the way it impacts the air around him.
Post 6: It seemed odd to put a hyperlink in such a short post; you definitely had room to give a better explanation. Careful with verb choices, "rappelled away from his opponent" created an odd mental image not really appropriate to what I think you were driving at.
Post 7: Repetition of the fact that Elthas is not afraid felt jarring. Try showing instead of telling, maybe with a scornful laugh or the like. Rather than saying "he had used one of his three available blinks", consider an expression of the way the ability fatigues Elthas.
Post 8: "Like twilight shadows from the flicker of a candle" - nice imagery.
Post 9: Broken vb code, a bit of editing could have easily fixed. "When the second portion of the attack came, Elthas continued at that point." Doesn't really tell me anything - this would have been stronger with a perceivable action.
Post 11: "Spectral energy leaked out of the potent energy". The repetition is both jarring and not very descriptive. Overall you used the word energy too many times in this post; consider using a thesaurus. Nice Shakespeare quotation. I liked how you ended this post with laughter, but "maddeningly serious very quickly" weakened the description of it. Sometimes less is more.
Post 12: I like the aknowledgement that speaking during combat is a waste of breath.
Post 13: Again, using the term "best speed" to describe Elthas' movement is jarring. It's odd to say "all he could do was wait" while attacking.
Post 16: Mentioned Lye's eyes focusing, followed by Advencia saying they couldn't save his eye. Took me out of the moment.
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