Thread Title: Small Magic
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric / Workshop Hybrid
Participants: Nicolette / Josette
Allow me to start by thanking you for letting me review this thread. Knowing that this is the first time you have requested an actual judgment for your writing, I wanted to make sure the feedback I gave you was objective, concise, thorough and helpful. I do hope that I have done this piece justice and that you can take away plenty of positives from the commentary!
I also shamelessly stole your judgment formatting, because my own usual style needs a revamp. Onwards to the judgment!
Plot: 21/30
I thought the way you structured this story was very well done indeed. You managed to hook me early on; a read which was enhanced by the fire-and-ice relationship in the early part of the thread between Nicolette and Josette. I applauded the way that you were economical but efficient with Nicolette's history early on; her conversations with Alexander made sure I knew her background without needing to read ten paragraphs of back story. From there, Josette and Nicolette are introduced and spend time developing a frosty relationship into something where the two share common ground. The scene where Nicolette explains her parents murder-suicide in post nine was particularly potent, which is something I think you did well, and my particularly favorite part came when Josette encountered the Cassarian.
I'm going to be honest with you - I expected you to be weaker here than you were. I think even you admitted that combat might not have been your strongest area. Instead, you wrote a gripping fight scene that kept me reading until well past 1am in the morning; crying baby be damned. You've made it known that Josette isn't fond of using magic and I think that made this moment special. To see her use her not inconsiderable power against this beast was wonderful, but even more so was for the way you ensured it wasn't a one sided affair. The Cassarian was tough, brutal and didn't give Josette an inch.
If I have one criticism, and it does feel a bit nitpicky, is that I felt there was a bit of a missed opportunity for some buildup towards the Cassarian's appearance. In hindsight, I felt that perhaps a bit of foreshadowing would have helped create a bigger impact upon its introduction into the story. I also thought Josette was a bit overdramatic in her reaction to the beast. This creature was clearly a predator and was being painted out to be the sum of all the world's evils, which I thought was maybe a little over the top for something that was probably naturally doing its thing. That said, I can also understand why Josette felt the way she did, seeing something so beautiful about to be massacred.
From here, the relationship between Nicolette and Josette opens up, and you use the appearance of Arianne as both a fantastic vehicle for giving the characters some common ground and an opportunity for some hefty character development. I actually wondered if Arianne was going to be the crystal sword, which would have been awesome, but I at least got some sort of satisfaction when she led Nicolette and Josette to the blade. A great read and also a touching tribute to a certain horse who is in our thoughts.
I think we can both agree that setting is one of your areas for improvement. I felt at times that it got neglected a bit, which frustrated me because I know that you are capable of better, but I will give you credit where credit is due. I loved your opening scene in the castle, and the way you painted it out to be a pointless symbol of wealth and a complete waste of time in Josette's mind. Something confused me a little in the first two paragraphs of post one - you say that "ornate stained glass caught the sun" in paragraph one, but by paragraph two you say "She could see no stained glass". Now, it could be that Josette had simply moved from an area where there was stained glass to a place where there wasn't, but this wasn't clear and therefore appears to be an odd contradiction. An oversight, i'm sure, but it's worth reading these sorts of paragraphs back to yourself to make sure you are making sense.
Between the castle, Wolf's Trail and right up to the cave I felt a bit short-changed when it came to setting. It almost felt as if you were riding on a blank canvas and I couldn't quite visualise where this convoy was heading and what surrounded them. You did an excellent job of describing the Cassarian itself, but failed to really address the area your characters acted within. I imagined some sort of rocky outcrop with a stream? In any case, my advice here would be to try and get inside the eyes of your character. What are they seeing? What are they feeling? Can they use the setting? If you can come up with answers to those three questions, a good setting score is not far away.
Finally, I come to pacing. Rarely do I pick up and read a thread that doesn't have a single jarring moment in it whatsoever. I was never bored by this tale, nor did I ever feel put off by the post breaks or the turn in action. If anything I felt that, other than the lack of foreshadowing of the Cassarian's entrance, this thread was pretty seamless. I printed this off and read it much in the same way I would read one of my books - and the experience was enjoyable. It was easy to follow, slow where it needed to be and quick in the action scenes. Well done.
Character: 20/30
You wrote Nicolette and Josette well and their dialogue and exchanges made sense. I did enjoy how you kept their dialogue consistant with their developing relationships, with Nicolette playing the part of the outgoing, confident girl and Josette playing the more reserved and quiet role for the early parts of the thread. That being said, I'm going to take a page out of "Rayleigh's Judging guide for Dummies" and mention that the only thing missing was a quirk or a nuance in their mannerisms that would have really made one, the other or both stand out a bit more. For example, I might have expected Nicolette to be a bit more regal in her speech. It's a small characteristic like that which makes a character really stand out.
Though the bulk of the action was left to a little later in the thread, I enjoyed the way you approached it overall. Both Nicolette and Josette exhibited characteristics that not only supported their dialogue but their personas as well. I loved the way Nicolette and Josette handle their horses - there was a moment in the first post (which, I confess, I simply notated "cool horse shit <3") where she startled her gelding and subsequently calmed it, but not before it gave an annoyed grumble. Details like that might have slipped the net elsewhere, but your experience with horses made this a wonderful read as that little action brought the scene to life. I also have to credit you for the action contained in the battle scene with the Cassarian; you did an amazing job of not only outlining Josette's adversity to magic, but placing limitations on her and the beast too. It made the battle more believable. Mentioning that she was unable to enact a barrier, for example, was done very well.
In terms of raw events, there was a bit of a gap between the castle and Wolf's Trail where the action flattened, but I was refreshed by what followed.
Persona worked really well here for you. It was very easy to get a handle on Josette and Nicolette, especially helped by the first couple of posts where their relationship is still developing. The reflections on their own pasts and lives, and the people who they lost (and in Josette's case even killed), were well done as well. Consistency was good throughout and this was an important factor for you here. There was only one recollectable moment where I thought there was something a bit odd, and that relates to post four. Up to this point the exchanges between the two had consosted of questions by Nicolette and short, sharp answers by Josette. At the bottom of the post, Nicolette comments:
"Your gelding's name is Maxus. Theodore, the Boyar, rides him quite often. He is a great horse."
Josette responds characteristically with "He is". But here, you then go on to say "Nicolette had to turn away to hide her small smile of success. Perhaps they had finally found some common ground to stand on".
I found this odd, as Josette had only really been responding in the sharp and blunt way she had been doing throughout the thread, and yet Nicolette saw that moment as a success? That was confusing. It could have course meant that Nicolette and Josette shared common ground on liking horses, but even so the tone of her reply seemed almost like a brush off, so I wondered whether that was my perception or not.
Prose: 22/30
Compared to the other sections of this judgment, the prose section almost seems like I am cheating you out of feedback due to its comparatively short length. Please, do not be alarmed at this. It is simply the case that there are far fewer issues here than in other catagories; something I hope you are happy about!
Without a shadow of a doubt, you are an excellent writer. Your grasp of the language, and how and when to use it, is without question. As there always are in such threads, a few typos crept in to the writing and there were one or two examples of odd punctuation but I think these amounted to nothing more than perhaps three oversights in a twenty post story. Other than that, your mechanics were on solid ground. Honestly, I really can't add much more to that, otherwise I'd just be repeating myself, so great job.
With regards to clarity, there were one or two instances where I had to go back and re-read a paragraph which seemed to contain something that contradicted something else I had read before. One such example was the stained glass window enigma. This oddity aside, you earned a solid score in this category. The way you write ensures there is very little grey area in your work and only leaves open to interpretation the things you want to leave open. Everything else is sharp; helped by the way you ensure you don't use more superlatives than you need to in order to describe something (a weakness of my own, I confess). Good job here.
Speaking of literary devices, I really liked the techniques you employed. The style you adopted was the whole reason I wanted to keep reading the thread, which was evident in the way you described the castle in the opening scene through Josette's cynical eyes. I was very excited to read on as a result of this. You have a knack for taking something with a simple function, like a castle or a horse, and finding new ways for the reader to regard them. The castle being painted as a pointless place of peace was a masterstroke and at that moment you had my undivided attention. The scenes that followed with Maxus and Arianne were equally as well written. You're also good at using internal monologue effectively and efficiently. You convey your character's thoughts appropriately and in just the right amount, which is to your advantage in this thread and something that other people often struggle with.
Where I feel you can really take strides forward is by taking your technique and applying it to your setting. You describe things so wonderfully in your writing that you clearly have the ability to not only visualise, but make other people visualise as well. This is the key skill required to nail a great setting and if you start using that strength in technique to create more scenes for your characters to interact in, your writing will only improve.
Wildcard: 8/10
I really, really enjoyed this thread. Not only did it contain some fantastic contrasts between two complex characters, it was crammed full of character development and showed a humanity in your characters that made them relatable. If you can work on your setting, I feel you will only get even stronger as a writer. For now, though, good job!
Final Score: 71/100
Josette receives:
- 940 EXP!
- 130 GP!
Nicolette receives:
- 1045 EXP!
- 145 GP!
Congratulations!
*Judges note - combined GP is 275 of which 150 GP is used to pay for the crystal sword Ma. The remaining 125 GP is to be split equally between participants!
Submit Thread for Judgment