The Treason of Phyr Sa'resh

[Les Misérables]

The cell smelled of rank mildew and rotten hay. Phyr lay upon a pile of aging straw, hands manacled to a running chain that lined the wall. If he angled his back just right, he could almost sit comfortably. The foul stench of the dungeon matched the thoughts flitting through his mind. He could think of only one person capable of framing him for treason.

After a time the cell's door opened with a great groaning of wood, and in walked Major Steeleye. The broad-shouldered elf looked particularly monstrous in the lantern light spilling from the hallway, and his face could not contain a smarmy grin that cast shadows around the corners of his eyes. The major folded his arms in front of his chest and scuffed the dirty floor with a polished boot.

“Well, you certainly do move around a lot, Sa'resh. From the lieutenants' barracks to the officers' barracks, to a small house in a fine community, to this shithole, all in less than two years. Impressive, captain. Although I don't suppose I can call you that anymore, can I?”

His chuckle haunted the hairline cracks in the room's concrete walls. Phyr shifted slightly, the manacles chafing at his wrists, but did not reply.

“I won't pretend I didn't see this coming. A young gunsmith such as you, promoted outside his station due to technological brilliance. Everyone will understand why you felt it necessary to steal the plans for our most advanced weaponry and ship them off to Raiaera... a new wife, habituated to a pampered life. You needed the extra coin, you only wanted a happy family. It will all go better for you if you just confess.”

Phyr looked up at Steeleye and cleared his throat. He leaned his head back and spat, the ball of saliva and phlegm just barely reaching far enough to land on the major's boot.

“Or don't,” Steeleye said with a mirthless chuckle, wiping his foot on a pile of hay, “it will be more entertaining for me if you contest the charges. Alerar hasn't much tolerance for traitors... and you're well on your way to being branded a terrorist. I shouldn't be surprised to see your trial foregone for a military tribunal, and you shipped off to a maximum-security facility somewhere like the northern reaches of Salvar. Where everyone will be too cold to listen to your treacherous scheming.”

The prisoner's lips moved in frantic, twitching patterns. Breath rushed in and out of his mouth, forming no more sound than the indistinct whistle of its passage.

“What's that, Sa'resh?” Steeleye taunted, looming closer, “you want me to swear to take good care of Annelle? Of course my old friend... of course. Your marriage will be annulled, I suspect, since according to rumor, it was never consummated...”

A vein pulsated in Phyr's temple, spasming furiously beneath his blue skin. He strained against the chains in vain, struggling to push a single sentence past his lips.

“One day... I will have... my revenge.”

[Philomel]

Name of Judgement: The Treason of Phyr Sa'Resh
Condescened Rubric
Name of Participant: Les Miserables

Plot – 19/30
Setting is well described, and the idea of the concrete building fits with the description of a thriving industrial city like Ettenmire, with the plainness connecting to the idea of a military office block. The pacing was well done at the start, but seemed to hurry too much. There was a slight build of the tension between Steeleye and Phyr, getting to the dual, but there could have perhaps been more added here. Setting also could have been used more throughout, aside from the small descriptions for each scenes – but this could have been done with a longer thread in general. Aside from this the overall plot read like a fantastical period romance novel, short and sweet, and it was a pleasure to read.

Character - 22/30
When you write Phyr, one gets the sense of the technological advancement of Alerar, within his characteristics of Phyr. The fact he describes himself as a ‘gunsmith’ works well. Clever dialogue is used around the introduction also, when Steeleye remarks that, “Stone can break,” after being told the phrase, “Set in stone.” His mannerisms and speech are constant and give the idea of a gentleman, yet change subtly enough for the different types of scenes. His actions during the dual were smart, and spoke of Phyr’s clever mind. Overall in terms of character you write well, with good, sweet dialogue. I would have liked to see more internal thought processes, and more of a reason as to why Phyr couldn’t speak at the end, but this was a really good opener into Phyr’s character in general.

Writing – 20/30
Mechanical errors were almost void, though it would have been good to see capitals when speech marks begin. Clarity was not much of an issue, as it was steady and everything was written well. Although in general, also, it would have been good to see some forms of linguistic technique, such as metaphor and similie, you wove some excellent dialogue and great description. There are some gorgeous pieces of writing, such as in post 4, “Surrounded by the aura of fog lamps shining on the water, Phyr kissed Annelle until she melted in his arms.” Keep going with these bits.

Wildcard – 7/10
For showing the great industry of Alerar not only by mentioning it, but through clever dialogue (“how progressive” post 6), description and character.

Final Score - 68/100

Rewards:
Les Miserables receives:
1945 EXP
225 GP

Inclusive of Alerar's regional bonus.

Cost for judgement: 4 AP to be taken from Les Miserables

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!