Workshop: Knowledge Rotten

[Rayleigh]

Name of Completed Thread: Knowledge Rotten
Name of Authors: FennWenn
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 9 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: May 20, 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses." For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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4.) In order to receive EXP, GP, and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[jdd2035]

Hi Fenny-Wenny! I'm J.D but you knew that. Lets get started!!!!

Story:

Storytelling: (10 Points) Ok at one point in my life I read through of Lovecraftian based stuff found his writing a little dry? But what are you going to do about a depression era atheist? Any way what I was left with was a take off of the little dutch boy except the hole the dutchman was plugging had a shark on the other side eating his body parts as he continued to keep the village safe losing a finger, hand, wrist, arm etc. You had the imagery right down and from time to time that kind of terror of being out of your depth came showing through well. All in all a good little solo.

Setting: (10 Points) You got the setting down right I was impressed, you did it with out a total wall of words introducing the setting little by little with each paragraph of plot forwarding. Sights, sounds and smells all came out as Fenn and Dougi encountered them allowing the reader to immerse them selves into the setting rather than boom! here you go blah blah blah blah goth that?!

Pacing: (10 Points) The word of the day is waltz. Waltz's are deceptively fast paced while easily looking like a slow affair. Your story was actually really quick paced but the kind of ambiance you were pushing for made it seem slow as the reader kept on his toes waiting to see what came out of the corner or what ever.

Character:

Communication: (10 Points) Ok this is where things start sounding like a broken record. Even me saying that is getting repetitive ha ha. All that being said and done you use internal and external dialogue incredibly well. I knew who was who and what was going on even Dougi's internal and external dialogue and his actions communicated well.

Action: (10 Points) Slow slow quick quick slow. (Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Bebop) by Q-Feel). I bring this up because it's actually quite appropriate for your kind of action. The way horror works and I mean really works is the time between the "holy shit moments" it during the quite times when the character has time to think about what just happened and what might happen next. Now that is what is truly frightening. The slower parts of this thread do this job well punctuated by the "holy shit!" moments.

Persona: (10 Points) Solo's are nothing but Persona. What I liked about this one though was how much time you took from writing Fenn and devoted it to writing Daugi (apologies for spelling it dougi). That is cool that what amounts to a glorified mount got so much time and effort put into it. Great job.

Prose:

Mechanics: (10 Points) I aint not no good at not writing english not properly!

Clarity: (10 Points) You write very well, there was not a time where I was confused. Let me back up for a moment. I read incredibly fast that is a double edged sword I absorb information like a sponge but smug details escape me. So, me being able to understand your writing clearly on the first pass means it's clear or at-least it does to me.

Technique: (10 Points) This is like mechanics I'm not too good with it so good job. Look I've mentioned this a lot but the use of setting, the slow bits and quick bits all worked to make a good horror story which is something in this dark = gory world we live in. There is a difference between being frightened and disgusted. You took the higher ground with this thread it was refreshing I wish more players did that.

Wildcard: Daugi!

[Flames of Hyperion]

Hello! Thank you for choosing the workshop and for giving me a chance to comment on your story!

I must admit that I'm more aware of the impact of Lovecraft's work than his actual stories themselves, since I've never been able to stomach unfiltered horror. I feel that you made a good attempt to reach for some of his themes - knowledge with a steep cost, the influence of eldritch entities on the insignificant, the helpless fragility of sanity, academic detachment and unanswered questions, and slime - and weave them into Fenn's story. To an extent I feel you succeeded; I hope you don't mind me elaborating further below!

***

Story: The basic premise of your story - searching for lost knowledge in an abandoned house infested by the eldritch unknown - felt very Lovecraftian. Beyond that, you followed a fairly classic mould for horror stories: investigate, encounter, flight. However, I have to admit that I feel you didn't quite get the balance right.

For example the investigation phase, where Fenn explored the manse until he found the object of his interest, did not last long enough for me. This meant that your story lacked the atmosphere inherent to a horror tale - I was not made to jump at every noise that Fenn heard or to fear everything that he looked at or picked up. You seeded a number of potentially interesting clues, but did not make use of them very well; for example, the way Fenn produced the bone for Daugi in the end was humourous (if a bit weird - why would Daugi enjoy gnawing on an ancient, stale ritual component?) but not particularly of use to the plot, and the crucial role the salt played in the end was purely circumstantial rather than intentional. For a thread like this, I would not have worried so much about upping the pacing, especially at the expense of setting the scene.

The encounter phase started off very well. In true Lovecraftian tradition you introduced your primary antagonist as shrouded in mystery and wielding power beyond mortal ken, and then you took the brave step of having Fenn left catatonic by its whispers. Unfortunately, this then led to Daugi taking up the mantle of protagonist, and engaging in a prolonged and not particularly intelligent (if in-character) skirmish with an enemy that suddenly displayed little intent to harm her despite the ease with which it incapacitated Fenn. The reader is given little reason to care for Daugi in this thread - no background as to why she's travelling with Fenn, no characterisation further than 'loyal mother wolf' - and beyond a throwaway line as to why Fenn was more susceptible to the whispers than Daugi, they're not really shown how and why the direwolf managed to hold off this powerful abomination for so long. This robbed them of the chance for an intelligent twist in your tale (that could have involved more of the clues seeded in the exploration phase), and led directly to its most significant problem.

Your flight phase, and thus your conclusion, was the weakest part of your story. I can just about stretch my sense of belief to convince myself that Daugi leapt out of a window with a lame paw, dragging an unconscious body, in such a way that the salt wards were left undisturbed. I might even be able to convince myself that she could then drag Fenn all the way back to a semblance of civilisation, despite not only her wounds from the battle but also blood loss from barrelling through said window. But the complete lack of lasting consequences for the pair of them hurt. Essentially they managed to blunder their way into the manse, get all the knowledge they wanted, and survive the encounter with only superficial injuries and not a hint of psychological trauma. This in the end felt very unlike a horror story, and far removed from what little I know of Lovecraft.

In short, I feel that your pacing went askew: not enough time building up the tension, too much time fighting the eldritch horror with no story development. And I'm afraid that your ending left me unsatisfied, and not in the sense that I wanted to read more.

Background: You're quite adept at singling out details of the setting and bringing them to the reader's attention. I thought you started off slow in the non-visual department, but by the time Fenn encountered the abomination you covered these other senses well. Unfortunately as stated above, I didn't quite get the sense of atmosphere that I might expect from a thread of this nature. I feel that you needed to show the setting more through Fenn's actions, rather than simply tell the reader what his surroundings are; I feel that you needed to get the reader to experience the mystery and the horror through Fenn's senses, as opposed to simply telling them "The abandoned mansion was..." and "The boy combed through every crook and corner of the house..."

You covered Fenn's background well in his search for the tome, and I particularly enjoyed how you highlighted particular phrases to single out what Fenn was interested, i.e. what he didn't know about himself. On the other hand, the reader is given no idea of Daugi or how she fits into Fenn's story beyond 'loyal companion'. The lack of exposition regarding the abomination is to be expected, but not knowing anything about Daugi hurt.

Finally, I thought that you could have made a little extra effort to set the story in Althanas, rather than simply name-dropping the Tarot, the Tap and the Thaynes, and Raiaera. Think about the minor details, for example word choices and mannerisms, that would help to distinguish the setting from fantasy Earth or even early twentieth-century Lovecraftian times (which, given the description of the mansion and its furnishings, I found my subconscious slipping back into).

Characters: I like how you write Fenn: his fae nature shows in how you depict his flighty, playful thoughts both in narration and in action. His short attention span and poor decision-making feel very much part and parcel of his character, and you bring them to the fore in how you structure your story. Again, I also enjoyed how you were willing to put him out of action for the meat of the encounter.

In contrast, I feel that Daugi was not given enough depth as a character. She came across as one-dimensional, with no background or motivation, and while this might suffice for an animal familiar you then asked her to do far too much in single-handedly engaging the abomination and then saving both of the protagonists in one fell swoop. She felt very much more of a plot device than a character, and once again that hurt your story.

Of the two other characters in your story, you intentionally left the abomination mysterious - all I have to say here is that I enjoyed how it 'communicated' with its enemies, in short bursts of concept rather than of dialogue, although I felt that you could have done more to distinguish its eldritch thoughts from the mundane ones of Fenn and Daugi. The cart driver played a very minor role, but stood out in a bad way to me because he sounded far too modern for Althanas, like a cabbie or a bus driver on an everyday route. This of course ties in with my comment above about setting the story in Althanas; it really made me question the location, especially as it was the first thing I read!

Technique: I found your story fairly easy to read, with a firm grasp of the basics and without an abundance of errors to distract me from the substance of your story. I also appreciate the evidence of proofreading, although a number of errors slipped through where I believe you made changes to phrasing and sentence structure but didn't quite correct everything. I've done that before myself, and the only real solution I've found is to work through the diminishing returns of another proofreading run, so keep working at it! Finally, I enjoyed your usage of foreshadowing (revisiting the bone and salt from early on was good, although I do feel that you could have done slightly more), of snappy, well-crafted hooks (posts 2 and 4 stand out), and of fragmentation (for example at the end of post 6, which did a great job of emphasising the otherworldly nature of the abomination).

As stated earlier, I feel that your writing style does a great job of characterising Fenn's flighty nature. However it doesn't work so well in building up the mystery and gnawing terror that should have underlined the exploration of the manse - the dry, matter-of-fact presentation of the setting and of Fenn's interactions with it did not allow us to experience it from Fenn's eyes. It also doesn't work so well when writing from Daugi's point of view, since the direwolf doesn't have nearly as much character as Fenn does - and when you're very much relying on this character in your story presentation, the lack of it is rather glaring.

***

In conclusion, I feel that Knowledge Rotten is an interesting story that would have benefitted from better execution. In particular, the lack of patience in the build-up (and the corresponding lack of tension and atmosphere) spiralled into a predictable ending that left no scars of lasting consequence upon our pair of foolhardy protagonists. Incapacitating Fenn at the beginning of the encounter and changing point-of-view to Daugi was a bold move, but one that didn't pay off because the balance of power in the relationship is firmly in Fenn's favour; without him to drive your narrative, Daugi simply does not have the charisma or the depth of character to carry her half of the thread, in which she somehow single-handedly fights off an eldritch abomination before making her escape with an unconscious Fenn in tow.

My suggestions, such as they are, would be a) to not be afriad in exercising more patience in the opening stages of your thread in which you explore the mansion, and to use this tension to further craft the relationship between Fenn and Daugi (in particular giving the latter a role other than loyal companion) and b) to craft either an intelligent twist in the tale to drive back the abomination or a conclusion which held particular significance and lasting consequence for Fenn / Daugi, or even both! You've presented the bones of what could possibly kick-start a whole arc of character development for Fenn; I simply feel that the above would have added so much more meat to your tale.

I hope that some of my comments above might be of use in your future writing!

***

Post 1:

Spoiler:

As a professional scientist, allow me to assure you that there is a depressing amount of truth in that quote...

Post 2:

Spoiler:

Great opening paragraph to set the story. Perhaps usage of non-sight description - smell, taste? - might have enhanced, but a minor gripe.
"This would be your stop, yes?" <- this sounds... very modern, as though we're talking about a scheduled public transport service. I'm not sure that's what you were aiming for.
besides -> beside
called plainly <- this is a strange choice of adverb to me.
"voodoo" <- missed chance for some Althanas-ism! In general the cart driver speaks as though she were a modern cabbie rather than a denizen of Althanas, and thus feels out of place.
Good characterisation for Fenn in the next paragraph. That said, a little tell rather than show?
hefty deer hitched to her cart <- nice! Elk or moose might have read better, as deer are not particularly powerfully built animals, but I like that you gave her a beast other than a carthorse or ox!
thanes -> Thaynes, as we're talking about the established pantheon here.
In your exposition paragraph here, and in the description of the haunted house two paragraphs onwards, you make great use of imagery to set the scene. That said you do fall afoul of telling rather than showing, and in the process, again you miss the chance to make more use of Fenn's senses as he first explores the manse. As such it lacks the ominous atmosphere that you otherwise could have crafted - which in itself might be difficult to recover from in a horror-themed tale.
it's -> its! Only use "it's" when you mean "it is"!
Finally a hint of smell. Once again, though, you're telling rather than showing, although I did enjoy how you ended the post!

Post 3:

Spoiler:

It might as well have been night outside <- this is an example of an unnecessary phrase - not only are you duplicating the 'out' from the previous sentence, you go on to describe (show!) this very statement far better in the next part of the sentence. I've found that removing these phrases is the single best trick to taut, engaging writing.
Having Fenn's thoughts directly narrate the activity is somewhat distracting, but in a very fae sort of way.
I like how you're exploring the house, and now weaving in more sound, smell, and taste to supplement sight. That said, you're moving the narrative along at quite the pace - I would have liked to see you take a bit more time to build up the atmosphere. It's almost as if you really want to get to a certain point in your story, right now.
Fenn's inquisitiveness and light fingers are definitely going to bite him. Very Lovecraft.
The boy combed through every crook and corner of the house <- this statement directly contradicts your final sentence, that it was about time to check the second floor. These minor, unintentional inconsistencies in meaning can be very jarring to the reader, watch out!

Post 4:

Spoiler:

Once again, nice opening line. Succinct, engaging, and with a deft touch of setting.
The geometry of the place seemed subtly incorrect - very Lovecraft, and a good attempt at describing it. However, I feel that you missed a trick by dismissing it with 'it didn't bother him too much so long as he avoided staring directly at it'. Shouldn't something as wrong as warped geometry be a bit more... universally disconcerting?
Great list of book titles!
... silly fae.
An ominous sloshing had started up in the distance. <- again, I feel that you're not engaging the reader enough, by presenting this information so succinctly. You do well to contrast it to the leaky faucet of earlier, it's just a shame that you're telling the reader what's happening rather than letting them experience it through Fenn's eyes and ears.

Post 5:

Spoiler:

There's a lot of duplicated sentiment in the first paragraph that bogs down the urgency of the situation - for example, your second and third sentences say practically the same thing. No need, not here!
You do a good job of writing Fenn getting distracted by the simplest of tangents, which admittedly is very fae.

Post 6:

Spoiler:

I also feel that you could have done a bit more with Daugi. She seems... too subservient to Fenn, especially in a situation like this, to be an independent character.
Good presentation of the various passages from the book!
A baby that voice for crying was unsettling in and of itself. <- I beg your pardon?
desperate to learn more before the gurglings caught up with him and Daugi <- I can sense the desperation from your writing. What I can't sense is any semblance of the gurglings catching up with Fenn and Daugi. This ties in with my other complaint - your setting has completely fallen by the wayside at the moment. My suggestion would be to keep visiting it throughout what should be a tense and frightful scene, to really emphasise that eldritch horrors are closing in.
Ah, at last a description of the gurglings... all at once. Again, would have preferred to see it interwoven with Fenn's reading and thoughts, because the descriptions themselves are very evocative and well written. Some readers might take offence at the fragmentation, though I quite enjoy it
Fenn grip on the manuscript loosened and it dropped to the knotty floorboards and hunched over, pressing his hands to his ears. <- Hm. This reads to me like an artefact of an edit that you only managed half of. Been there, done that!

Post 7:

Spoiler:

One suggestion here - try not to overuse 'as'. Time flows naturally as the reader makes their way through your writing, so don't necessarily feel the need to spell it out.
The fact that Daugi is unaffected by the assault, despite being more sensitive to it earlier, feels... off. Especially since you then tell the reader that she should have been more affected by it, as well as why exactly she isn't, but don't take the time to show exactly *how* she shrugged it off.
She was in charge now. She voted that they leave <- a very welcome bit of character development, but it raises another question that you haven't addressed: why is Daugi so devoted to Fenn? I like how she refers to Fenn as 'her pup', but where did this come from?
Space itself seemed to be struggling against the restraining bonds of the house. <- something else that I've noticed in your writing is unnecessary passive voice / weak verbs. Instead of 'seemed to be struggling', for example, why not directly say instead, 'Space itself struggled...'? Your intent comes across much clearer, and without hedging.
like some twisted anemone. <- an interesting choice of simile, but it begs the question - how does Daugi know what an anemone is?
The tendrils had a grisly stretch to them similar bare tendon and muscle fiber, tapered and gaping at the ends like an eel’s mouth. <- needs better proofreading!
Awake and vexed. <- great answer. Perhaps you could have formatted this more distinctly, to emphasise its eldritch quality?

Post 8:

Spoiler:

The first thing the wolf did was get Fenn out of there the fastest way she understood how; pushing him over the edge of the stairs. <- I believe that should be a colon, not a semi-colon. A semi-colon is used to separate two related sentences that could stand alone if necessary, whereas the colon is used before introducing related information that may not necessarily form a sentence of its own (i.e. a list). In this case you're doing the latter.
Expand. Remove threats. Conquest. <- Unclear at first glance whether this is Daugi or the abomination 'speaking'. See previous post regarding formatting.
I like how you're describing Fenn's magic through Daugi's eyes, but the side effect is that (since we're limited to Daugi's interpretation of the spell) we don't necessarily get to see it very clearly. The entire paragraph muddles Daugi's thoughts on Fenn's thoughts on his magic with the actual effect of the spell, diluting both.
Also, what happened to the weird geometry of the walls? Wouldn't that have any effect on the combat?
It dropped Fenn, drawing away from the source of the frost with shriveling tendrils, a snail from salt. <- that's nice imagery!
This is becoming more of a problem since you switched to Daugi-perspective and then added the abomination to the mix, but do watch your point-of-view. At the moment it's veering all over the place, which makes it difficult to follow whose thoughts are being articulated at any one time.

Post 9:

Spoiler:

The broad, dripping tentacles grabbed much as an octopus might for an ancient coffee table and hefted it into the air. <- unfortunately this is not such a good opening sentence. Do octopuses often grab for ancient coffee tables?
Again, I feel that Daugi is a bit too convenient to the plot. She's not a bad character, but given that her one emotion is 'protect Fenn', she lacks the depth to carry the story.
A window escape? On a bum paw, carrying Fenn? That doesn't cause major lasting injury? The monster doesn't give chase despite the salt 'scattered'? Again, it all feels a bit convenient, and dare I say, both contrived and cliched. I admit that I would have preferred to read a more... intelligent solution, given all the foreshadowing earlier in the thread regarding salt circles and ritual components.

Post 10:

Spoiler:

Your narrative voice is definitely stronger when you allow Fenn to assume control again.
bile being <- ?
In all, the ending feels weak. No ill effects, no lasting impressions? Everything somehow managed to end well? The dusty old bone doesn't turn Daugi into a second abomination?

[Revenant]

H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite authors and I have read all of the works that he wrote or collaborated on in what would later become the “Cthulhu Mythos.” As such, I was excited to see the opening for Knowledge Rotten and happy to be able to give my thoughts on it.

Storytelling: All the elements needed for the story were present in your story, but the person aspect of the “why” was left for too long. For people who aren’t intimately familiar with your character I didn’t know anything about your character’s quest for finding more about himself and his origins until the middle of the story. You mentioned in the arrival post that he was looking for the manuscript on the Frost Fae, but the reasoning behind the importance of that particular item was lost until Fenn actually began reading it. My recommendation would be to treat every thread as if this was the reader’s first exposure to your character, and while you don’t need to reiterate all of a character’s life in each story, the reader should be able to jump in and know exactly the who and why of what this particular story means for your character.

Setting: The old magician’s house is classic Lovecraft and I really felt the connection immediately with your theme. But though the “long-dead” thing for Darcy Clemonts works perfectly in fitting with the theme, you tossed out the line, “A pity she had been dead the last hundred years.” The hundred years timeframe seems thrown on just to feel old, especially given the apparent knowledge of what Darcy had been working on prior to her death. She could have been dead for only a generation and it would still fit with everything else, plus it would still make sense that there would be some people who remembered her, and you wouldn’t have to contend with the idea that a lone house sitting out in the middle of nowhere for one hundred years would hold up as well as this one seemed to. Other than that, everything here jived well.

Pacing: Lovecraft was anything but brief, and posts 4 and 5 did more to take me out of the Lovecraft feel of the thread than anything else. Part of the thing that made Lovecraft’s writing feel the way it did was the slow, intricate details which built up the horror brick by brick. The way Fenn moved through the first floor, then up to the study didn’t really play out the “haunted” nature of the house, other than that it was full of creepy stuff. Creepy stuff on its own isn’t necessarily going to give a place a haunted reputation or keep trespassers out. Since Rothaerh-Shash was still imprisoned, I was left wondering what exactly had given the place the reputation of being haunted. I’d recommend slowing the posting down for the searching of the first floor, add some other elements that just build on the overall unease of the place. Tease the horror out a bit more.

Communication: There wasn’t much to say about the discussion between the cart driver and Fenn, or Fenn and Daugi. It all worked as it was supposed to. The real gem here is the manuscript and how you wrote it as Fenn read it. That was really well done and drew me in as a reader. You tied the scattered passages in together really well, and the expunged sections had me guessing at the meaning. Overall, very solid.

Action: My biggest note here is how Fenn noted that something had happened when he knocked over Rothaerh-Shash’s statue, but just sort of brushed it off, even as the threat of it grew while he was reading. You set up the leaking tub before in a way that would have been brilliant to use here. Instead of having Fenn note that the dripping sound of Rothaerh-Shash was different than the tub that he’d makeshift stoppered, I’d have preferred to have him think that the rag had slipped out and the tub was simply leaking again. Then, pepper in how the leak was getting louder and more insistent as Fenn was reading, but that he was so absorbed in his quest for knowledge that he ignored the obvious sign that something was deadly wrong with the situation. The obsession of knowledge driving people to do dangerous things is another staple of Lovecraft’s work, but to so obviously say something is dangerous and ignore it doesn’t fit as well as it could have.

Persona: Like I mentioned in the storytelling block, I would have been much more invested in Fenn’s quest knowing that searching the haunted house was more personal to him. As it was, the first few posts felt more like Fenn was just another adventurer who laughed at a “haunted” house. In the context of knowing what the story was thematically supposed to be is made Fenn seem more foolish, like a teenager in a slasher flick. While I figured out mid-way through that that Fenn essentially IS a teenager, not knowing that for the initial few posts didn’t help me connect with Fenn in a meaningful way and rather made him seem blasé.

Mechanics: You’ve got a good grasp of mechanics, and while there were linguistic errors they were few. My only real comment on what you could have done better is the age old “show don’t tell.”

Clarity: Your writing was clear and I didn’t ever feel like I was confused by what was going on. Except maybe a little with Rothaerh-Shash in places, which worked well for an eldritch abomination.

Technique: Writing horror is difficult, especially Lovecraft’s variety of obsession, madness, the unknown and the unknowable. You did a good job at this, and while it wasn’t perfect it was a fun read. You “got it” enough where it came to honoring Lovecraft’s style that I would say you were successful.

Wildcard (for what it’s worth): 12/10 would eldritch horror.

As a note, this story reminded me most of The Shunned House.

[SirArtemis]

Flames has the important bits covered.

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

I think that the notion has been mentioned, but though the plan here as a thread was clear, the feeling of fast forwarding through the story made it difficult to invest oneself. As flames mentioned, there was not enough time to turn up the suspense to sufficiently release it. So it was like an under-inflated balloon. The entire thread effectively happened on the premise of a single house, so it also gave opportunity to really go in depth and bring the place to life as vividly as possible. There was a start, but of course having taken the time to build more suspense would have given you way more here.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

I do think that Fenn has his own unique personality, but also agree that Daugi was a bit of an enigma to me. There were too many questions for me regarding the relationship the two had, the intelligence of the dire wolf, the background and relationship, etc. That left this very one-sided, especially since the character that has depth is knocked out for a good portion of it. I also liked that you alluded to the frost being a character in a sense, but didn't really explore that much.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

I'm just going to go down a list here for my own convenience since this is more specifics.

• when you first mention that Fenn laughed soundlessly, it's out of nowhere. Not knowing the character can't make sound and throwing this out there is sort of rattling. Remember, each story should be able to stand alone. I have to infer this later on.
• You say something is "buggy" as though to describe insect-like or bug-like but I couldn't find any definition of that word that include such meaning. Maybe I fail.
• you wrote thanes, i think it's Thaynes.
• "barely hanging to it's hinges." (hanging onto its hinges)
• drapes mouthing?
• "His inner survivalist was suggested they leave"
• statute (statue)
• "A baby that voice for crying was unsettling in and of itself." .... wut?
• "Fenn grip on the manuscript" -- Fenn's?
• "it dropped to the knotty floorboards and hunched over" -- I think something is missing here
• "Worm their way into her mind" -- you jump from singular to plural here and it gets confusing
• "This was not this same halls she had walked through before." -- again, plural, singular, wut?
• her air stood - hair
• "The tendrils had a grisly stretch to them similar bare tendon and muscle fiber, tapered and gaping at the ends like an eel's mouth" -- similar to? but then you say the second half and am I still applying that to muscle fiber and tendons? that's weird.
• "her fur stood on end as it turned their way" -- her fur turned their way? object stuff.
• she understood how; pushing him over the edge -- maybe a : instead?
• "as an octopus might for an ancient coffee table" -- do octopus typically grab ancient coffee tables?
• "and swatted the furious, tearing mass" -- the furious what?
• "Death nor mortal injury did not seem familiar concepts to it." -- wut?

The one thing that I mentioned in chat that I want to go back to here is the way you narrate and bring Fenn's thoughts into the narration. Perhaps using paragraph breaks and italicizing Fenn's thoughts to break up narration would work better and more cleanly, rather than injecting it into the third person narration itself.


Wildcard

I think you're a really solid writer with great potential. Given how young you are and that you've already started, it leaves tremendous room for improvement and growth. Don't get discouraged or think in black and white, again like we talked about in chat. Remember, you can allow improvement to be empowering rather than feeling like something sucks, which it doesn't. This story was still enjoyable and easy to read. It shows a really solid foundation for you to build upon as you start to fine tune your narrative voice and the way you want to present the creative stories that blossom in your head. Good work and keep at it!

[Harbinger]

Hey Fenn, Hyst here.

I quite liked your story. It was quite small, and felt quite separate from the larger story of your character, but with enough ties back to his search for his lineage that it didn’t feel disjointed. Now, I’m going to talk generally and not stick to the rubric. I feel that enough people will talk about the rubric scores that I won’t have to.

First, lets talk about suspense in horror. So, Lovecraft was fantastic at doing two things. The first was making the normal seem dark and scary. The second was to provide the elements of horror through a third-party character to delay the inevitable reveal. When you mentioned a lovecraft horror, I expected that sort of slow reveal. Now don’t get me wrong, the way you had the statue and it fell out of the salt was a good plot device. What I’d have liked to see was more prior to the statue triggering the horror.

Here are some suggestions to the plot, take them or leave them as you will. They are of course my opinion and may or may not improve the story ��

What happened to Clemont?
This was a burning question in the back of my mind during the thread. You had someone who had a thirst for knowledge, of nearly all things far and wide. What happens when someone like her realises her own mortality? Perhaps she uses her knowledge to extend her life. Perhaps she becomes the horror.

You could add two events to create this link, the first would be skeleton in the bath, the second would be the skeleton being taken over by the black liquid and then screaming something as it attacked. The price of unbridled knowledge would be high.

Cut down the time fighting the monster.
The monster was unstoppable, so why spend time trying to stop it? The reveal can be pushed backwards, then the fleeing from the monster sped up.

Pick one element and focus on it.
Black liquid, fungus and sound. Those were the three elements, with a few other minor ones (like the bending edges). If you picked just one and focused on that, you could ramp it up as the story progresses. I’d say the black liquid. You can have it spread across the walls, under the creature, etc, etc.

Check your narrative voice and your character.
Fenn seems to have quite a friendly, lucky and kind of absentminded charm to him. That sometimes came through in your writing. That would be fine, but if you’re driving for horror be aware that it’ll detract from the feel of your thread. You can split this by clearly identifying what is a thought and what is the narrator.


That’s it for me! Nice thread, I enjoyed the read!

[Breaker]

Hey Fenn! Thanks for choosing The Writers' Workshop! I always enjoy reading your stuff, and this was a particularly potent piece of prose. Since you've already gotten a few rubric-style reviews, I'll do mine in terms of strengths and weaknesses.

Strengths

Setting Interaction - the first thing that really grabbed my attention and drew me into the story was Fenn hopping from stone to stone to avoid falling in the deep grass. From there on one of your greatest strengths was the way Fenn (and Daugi) continued to interact with the setting. This interaction created memorable moments, vivid mental images that did an excellent job of bringing the scenery to life. This also aids in communicating the characters' moods, which is an asset considering neither of them can actually speak. Keep up the good work here, and in the future consider starting with this type of stuff.

Imagery and Use of Language - You had some truly beautiful (and in some cases, intentionally revolting) lines in this piece. Your use of descriptive language was both vivid and visceral, and had me smiling and cringing where appropriate. You walked a fine line between poetic and purple, and walked it well. The description of the impact the monster-thing's sound had on Fenn stood out in particular, I almost felt like I shared the experience with Fenn, so well done indeed. Continue following your instincts, you have a great sense for finding the right amount of description.

Storytelling - Although it was quick, you did a good job of establishing Fenn's "normal world" before quickly turning everything on its head upon entering the haunted house. At the end, following a somewhat magical journey, the world reverts to normal, with a potential piece of future foreshadowing in Daugi's bone. These are all excellent examples of strong elements of story in your writing. It followed a natural arc, building and releasing tension in the appropriate places, providing a fine framework from which the reader could enjoy your creativity.

Weaknesses

Mechanics - There were a surprising number of mechanical errors, including two occasions where you used the word "besides" instead of "beside". If you don't already do so, I'd recommend proofreading your work out loud to yourself. This will help catch a lot of little errors that you probably know how to correct, but are easy to miss with a cursory ready. Remember that good mechanics are important to the flow of your story, and even a handful of small errors can significantly alter its pacing. While you did not have a lot of glaring errors, there were enough that this is one area I feel you could definitely benefit from focusing on.

Fenn's lack of involvement - Fenn being unconscious for the entirety of the climax and most of the conclusion made the story a bit less exciting than it could have been. While his unconsciousness certainly makes sense in the context of the story, I didn't feel like it served your purpose as well as if he'd remained awake but in pain/terrified for more of it. You spent the first part of the story doing a good job of connecting the reader to Fenn, and that effort was somewhat wasted because of his absence during the most gripping moments. While I enjoyed Daugi's moment in the spotlight, as a reader I wanted to see how Fenn would have handled the horror.

Scope - To summarize this story in a single sentence, I might say "Fenn spends some time in a haunted house, remembering little of the experience." I could probably be a bit more descriptive than that, but the point is, this story doesn't seem to have immediate or far-reaching impacts on Fenn or the world. I suspect that it may be extremely relevant for Fenn and possibly the frost fae race, but because of certain story choices (mainly Fenn's passing out) we lost the narrator's perspective on the situation, which can be very important for determining the scope of the events. I also felt like there were a few missed opportunities to add an impact on the world at large, such as Daugi and Fenn's exit through the window. If they'd upset the salt on the sill, it would have raised a question as to whether the monster might escape and wreck havoc on the world.

[FennWenn]

Thanks everyone for the feedback! It's been really helpful, ^_^ <3

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

JDD2035 receives 225 EXP, 20 GP and 2 AP!
Flames of Hyperion receives 585 EXP, 20 GP and 5 AP!
Harbinger receives 135 EXP, 20 GP and 3 AP!
Breaker receives 855 EXP, 20 GP and 3 AP!
SirArtemis receives 540 EXP, 20 GP and 4 AP!
Revenant receives 585 EXP, 20 GP and 4 AP!