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Thread: Finals: Ebivoulya

  1. #11
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    A lithe hand whipped steel up to block the attack, and the assassin turned his head with a crunch. The swordsman recognized the sound, however, and leaned back just before the toxic green cloud spewed out from between the darker man's lips. The half-elf quickly backed off to draw his blade, and the smaller man did the same as he spat green chunks onto the smooth blue-tinted floor.

    "What the hell? I know you've killed kids before," the assassin snapped.

    "Nothing personal," the half-elf replied, his voice calm.

    The larger man swiftly moved in, swiping with caution and keeping a sharp eye on the lithe Cherub. Nothing connected, and even when the swordsman picked up the pace the small assassin just danced back in a circle. A pause, and the tide shifted. The shorter man rained blows upon the thick steel bastard sword Nyadir held before him, and the wide-eyed man backed away. He stepped around the white-lacquered table to gain some distance, but the crafty assassin wouldn't relent. The man ended another flurry of blows by whipping a steel dagger at his opponent's face, and the half-elf managed to escape with a thin red line along his jaw.

    Despite his earlier bravado, the nimble Nyadir found nothing but regret. It was a supreme effort to maneuver his large blade around fast enough to catch all those attacks. They weren't very heavy blows, but any one could be quite lethal, in a land where he couldn't mend himself with magic. The grin had shifted to the other face at this point, but the sharp eyes of the swordsman flared like a beast in its den. The lithe assassin had the balls to pull one hand from his blade, to reach for another of those green pellets, and the cornered half-elf pounced. With a heave he swung his massive sword, and the weakened guard of Cherub broke. His katana clattered to the side bent, and the large swordsman was bearing him down to the ground in a heartbeat. A gloved hand clamped over the assassin's mouth and nose just as he crunched into the green pellet, and his foggy eyes went wide.

    With one arm pinned under a knee, the lithe man reached behind him with the other. Another dagger flew up toward the half-elf, but his small wrist was crushed in a leather grip before it got much momentum. The larger man stared in silence as the assassin struggled, faint green wisps trailing up from under his glove. The room fell silent but for the heavy breathing of the dark-haired swordsman, and he looked into those foggy eyes for a solid minute before slowly releasing his grip. The assassin Cherub had been skilled, but all men are susceptible to carelessness. The half-elf didn't fully relax until he had thoroughly searched the corpse, and removed all weapons. The small black bag of green pellets went into one of his vest pockets, and the others he left on a white-lacquered chair. It wasn't until he had finished that he even remembered the flower with the paralytic needles that Tuevo had pointed out to him. It still sat in the uppermost pocket of his vest, carefully tilted away from his chest.

    There's always next time...

    The large warehouse they were in had many dusty rooms, and Nyadir quickly carried the bodies and weapons to one of these. He was walking back through blue-tinted halls thinking of how to get rid of the kid's blood when he nearly ran into Vauna at a crossing. She sported fine white leather, and eyed the thin cut on Nyadir's chin.

    "Ah, there you are. Let's get the others," she said.

    "Cherub already left, actually; the kid followed him."

    Though her brow raised, the cat-woman nodded and turned back the way she came. The tall swordsman followed after her, and she irritatedly informed him of the reason she had been so delayed. Apparently, the others had heard the news of the illness that befell Port Keinas. They suspected the outsiders, of course, but Vauna and a few others had argued against it. Oddly enough, some small shame crept into the half-elf's mind. Whatever version of him she believed in, he wasn't a tenth of it. Again, the screams from that morning rang in his ears, but the questions weren't nearly so vague. Even though he committed to his selfish decision years ago, never had it been harder to live up to. It was a thrilling freedom at first, and he relished the looks of hatred and terror, until those were the only looks he got.

    They met back up with the others not long after, all sporting the same white leather. Tuevo was standing off to one side of the group, and the young lads who had laughed with him earlier now eyed him and whispered among themselves. Looking upon this, the half-elf nearly smiled, and that fact brought shame anew. He gained nothing from seeing the lad suffer the consequences of his actions; it was he who set Tuevo on that path to begin with. To enjoy the same sadism Fordstein had been known for brought bile to the swordsman's throat. The more he wanted to escape the man's manipulation, the more he realized how deep it had already run. Memories of the eccentric man smiling as he encouraged Nyadir's gory habits whitened his knuckles; nothing but a fattened beast.

    The group looked upon him with suspicion but said nothing, and he wondered if there had really been anyone but Vauna arguing on his behalf. The aged Lorvo stepped up to explain the plan, probably for the outsider's benefit. The streets had already been cleared, and the doors unlocked; their people were clear of the site, as well. There were only a few dozen guards scattered around the grounds that weren't in their employ. The resistance would split into three groups, one to control the noble's quarters, one to control the logistics center, and one to control the war room. With those centers under their control, the rest of the city would follow suit. The nimble Nyadir was glad to be paired with Tuevo; perhaps he could undo some of his earlier damage. They would be guarding Vauna as they assaulted the war room. With that, they left the warehouse and headed down the blue-tinted street. They travelled with purpose toward the imposing cube, which stood dark before the flickering auroras of the night sky.

  2. #12
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    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
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    As the resistance trickled into the inner city, occasional cries of battle rang out in the distance. Everyone was on edge, but the brave Vauna led the way with certainty. Deep blue doors parted before her touch, and the first time they came across some guards the half-elf's jaw dropped. Her scimitar was flashing through neck and arm alike before either completed their strike, and she re-sheathed the blade with a flourish as she looked back to the group. He decided that trying to take her out would be dangerous, and somewhat of a shame. Another pair of guards ambushed them from the rear several hallways later, and Tuevo just watched while the rest saved the lads. That earned him several more scowls, which he returned with a sneer. The swordsman tried to fall back to talk to the lad, but he received little more than curt sniffs in return.

    The large doors of the war room appeared before long, and the slender Vauna seemed surprised at the face that awaited them. A large man in black armor stood in the center of the broad blue floor, his silver fur faded but his eyes sharp. As the resistance leader stepped up and drew her blade, he donned his helmet and followed suit. His aged voice still held an impressive baritone.

    "So you finally leave Kessar, to join outsiders no less."

    Without a word Vauna flowed forward, her broad scimitar whipping up into a graceful dance. The older man caught up quickly, and they swayed together across the deep blue tiles. With the natural speed of the cat-folk, it was nearly impossible to discern any specific attack, but the flow became clear over time. She fought strongest after throwing off her opponent's guard, but readily shifted back to the defensive once he regained his footing. Though the old man fought admirably, she used her slight advantage in speed to its fullest. She even landed a few blows against his armor, but left little more than scratches. The half-elf thought her victory assured when she capitalized on an opportunity with a swift flurry of blows, but in the end she only knocked off his helmet. Nyadir reached a gloved hand down to his belt.

    The two leaders waved back and forth between whipping steel, but Vauna landed far fewer attacks across the man's armor. The shorn whiskers on one side of the large man's face gave him a fresh wind, and he began pushing back his smaller opponent steadily. She locked blades with him for a moment, and a flicker of green clove a chunk out of the black-armored bastard. Vauna swiftly threw him off guard, and slid steel into his throat. She backed away from the return swing, and watched the aged general take to his knee. With one hand to his throat, he locked his yellow eyes onto hers. The words he spat were gurgled, and leaked a beautiful crimson.

    "You will doom us all for your grudge."

    The man slumped to the floor only after holding his stare for as long as he could, and the half-elf had to respect the old cat. The silver-furred resistance leader walked over, out of breath but whiskers flared in a smile.

    "Thank you, Nyadir. He was reknown for his skill."

    The swordsman shrugged it off with a polite smile, and walked over to retrieve his dagger after she moved on to securing the room. He worried at how much he dreaded her finding out about his darker side. Being met with derision, fear, or manipulation was a forgone conclusion eventually, but it would be nice if it waited a bit longer. The remaining cat-folk fanned out at their leader's orders, and a very boring hour later a final courier arrived. Vauna sighed in relief, and addressed the group.

    "We've done it; the Azure Keep is ours."

    She sent everyone with the messenger who had just arrived to the rooms prepared for them, but the half-elf lingered as she looked over some of the documents the general had been reading. The slender cat-woman smiled when the swordsman asked her what the next step was.

    "We will form a republic, a council containing equal members of both Tribe and Clan, so we can decide on our future together. The first step will be figuring out how to seal that Tap Well. Maybe your boss, Fordstein, will be able to help us find the artifact the Tribe sought; peacefully, of course."

    So she's in the dark there, too.

    "Sealing it would be a waste, though," the half-elf responded with a sigh. "This is the only Tap Well left, as far as we know."

    "Of course we're going to seal it," she said firmly. "Trying to control power like that never ends well. You recall our history." The slender cat-women continued, stepping forward with an almost pleading look. "We are dying, even if it isn't immediately. The oldest of us barely live fifty winters, anymore."

    The brows rose on the swordsman, and he thought again to the endless abyss of Pannaria. What effect must such a thing have on the world; he wondered how much longer it would be before those effects reached overseas. "I can understand that the effects seem mild in your short time here," Vauna continued, "but these lands wear on us; our history wears on us all."

    Nyadir found himself nodding solemnly, his entire plan childish and narrow-sighted in the light of retrospection. If there was a line, he would have to draw it at threatening the food supply of an already beleaguered people. Though those purple sheets were likely valuable in the north, he threw that plan aside. He threw aside his hidden hopes of claiming the artifact for his own, as well. The swordsman told himself it was simply because the thing was worth more to them than it was to him, but he couldn't deny his excitement at seeing Vauna's face when he gave her the salvation of her people. Here was a new intoxication the bitter half-elf had long forgotten, and he rode its currents with relief. He had already decided he would... sever his ties with Fordstein, so this was just added glory to his newfound freedom.

    The swordsman plotted and planned as he stalked the blue halls to his room, a smirk stuck on his face as he thought of his parting words to Vauna. They parted ways in the hall as she left to go manage a bunch of nobles, and with a raised paw she said cheerfully, "I hope Cherub will accompany us north to meet your boss, Mr. Fordstein." He couldn't resist smiling as he spoke.

    "I'm sure someone will find him."

  3. #13
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    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
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    Surprisingly, no one did, and the next morning Nyadir was marching up the northern road with Vauna and nearly a hundred cat-folk all dressed in the deep blue of the Melnach Guard. Lorvo had argued with her for an hour, but she insisted on meeting Fordstein personally. The last the swordsman saw of him, the aged cat-man was being dragged away by chattering nobles, utterly crestfallen. The old cat was tough, but the half-elf doubted his skill in that battle. Still, it was good to have the company. Tuevo came along as well, but he gave nothing but hostile glares to his former employer. The large man wondered if the lad had finally made the connection. His mother had tried to save some of the soldiers, from the sound of it. Seems saving one of the bottles he had gotten from Fordstein hadn't done much to limit the spread, after all.

    The lad was a glaring sore marring the half-elf's excitement; a reminder of the kind of failures he was trying to leave behind. He approached the boy as they walked, and tried to explain that he had been harsh when talking about the lad's mother before, and that her sacrifice was still admirable. Tuevo looked as though he had been slapped, "Getting killed isn't admirable; she didn't help anyone, just died right next to them."

    The young cat-folk's eyes teared up, and the swordsman tried to explain that letting that drive him away from helping people would only hurt him in the end, but he snapped back with a sullen "I'm not going to die like her. I'm going to help finish off the Tribe, and then I'm going to see the world, and I don't need other people to do it, either!"

    The larger man left the lad alone, frustrated at himself for callously pushing the kid down that path out of his own petty sadism. Far had the beast fallen, but waking from that dream didn't change the consequences of it. He resolved to try to talk to the lad later on, and returned to the head of the column with Vauna. The group marched straight for several hours, the black dirt packed hard and wide by the few wagons that trickled between the city and its port. The silver-furred resistance leader told the swordsman of the snowy plains south of the capitol, how the path to the Tap Well had frozen over the day of The Last Fall. She seemed to enjoy having an attentive ear, and Nyadir didn't mind listening.

    Near noon a broad swamp squatted before them, and the road curved around over the horizon. Large round platforms hovered in the air over that bog, tethered by deep green vines and covered in some kind of moss. A patchy path curved through the floating things, and Vauna spoke up.

    "We've reached the Hanalto Swamp, and we're going through it."

    She suited her words, and the rest of the cat-folk followed. A little further in, wooden bridges stretched between some of the round platforms floating above, and there were even houses and buildings built on several of them. The half-elf couldn't get a good look at most, but one of the lower ones sported a family of cat-folk all gazing over the edge. He waved at first, feeling rather awkward afterward, but they didn't wave back, or even move at all. He asked their leader after a few minutes, and she spoke quietly.

    "They see only a blur. This is The Forgotten Bog, another of our mistakes, though it was forgotten well before Pannaria. Everyone who lived in this swamp became stuck in bubbles of time. Years to us is but a moment to them. Some of them haven't even finished eating their breakfast to notice yet."

    They kept to the path as they trudged, eyes ever staring down on them. There was little chatting, and visible relief when they exited the bog early in the afternoon. She was making good time, and they seemed poised to take the port before nightfall. The half-elf tried to approach Tuevo again, but the kid wouldn't even talk to him. Vauna shared his regret, and distracted him with another tale. When the infamous Arjo Talvar seized control of the Azure Keep and began his experiments with the Tap Well, he renamed the port to the name it has now, Keinas.

    "He called it Shorewatch, to remind our people to fear the greed of the north."

    A large lake sat on the western horizon a few hours past the swamp, glittering under the swirling yellows and purples that danced with the lightning above. Though they passed distant from it, Vauna revealed an interesting fact.

    "There is a village under that lake, called Tuokko. They set it up after Pannaria, when a large red vine that had previously coated the lake bed formed a membrane, and slowly drank the water. This created pockets of air at the bottom, and they settled in the largest of them. They produce nearly a third of Melnach's food supply."

    The half-elf saw the sense of it; the membrane must act like those purple sheets, and absorb the magic flowing down through the water. This place was likely to be swarming with scholars from the north, with all the strange mutations abound. It was another few hours of uneventful travel before the rolling hills finally gave way to the solid stone of Shorewatch. The harbor was filled with smoldering ships, but the half-elf recognized one of the three still in tact. Looks like Fordstein managed to break through the blockade, but hadn't made it ashore yet. He was likely waiting for his two lackeys to come take care of the reinforcements. The locals mistook them for that, in their blue uniforms, and the resistance waltzed in through the front gate to relieved cheers. At least it would be quick.

  4. #14
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    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
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    Quick it was, after the resistance spread out among the city. They all waited until a flare shot up into the chaotic sky to attack at once, and most of the port guards gave up peacefully. They commandeered one of the noble's manors near the edge of the city, and gave Fordstein the signal once the port was secure. The muscled Nyadir stood on the dock with Vauna, to put the Baron at ease, and a pair of rowboats soon paddled ashore from the largest of the three vessels. The half-elf's eccentric employer observed all the formalities, but the sharp looks he shot his lackey were anything but polite. The group was escorted into the secured manor, and drinks were arranged before the discussion really began.

    The regal Vauna matched the courtesy of her guest, and the two droned on about flowery nonsense for some time before Fordstein even spoke to the half-elf. The thin man stroked his goatee as he inquired about his assassin, Cherub, and his employee responded carefully.

    "He left while we were taking the capitol; I assumed it was under your orders."

    The Baron's eyebrow rose, and he shared a look with the massive Bones off to the side. Fordstein continued on smoothly, and eventually the topic came to Tuevo. The sadistic man's eyes lit up when he heard the circumstances of the lad's recruitment, and he turned again to the seated swordsman.

    "How gracious of you, to escort the boy after such tragedy."

    Vauna agreed, assuring the man that Nyadir had been very helpful during the raid on the city. The swordsman's teeth gritted, and the ex-Senator's calm eyes flicked to his employee's face with a smirk. The weasel could nose out leverage a mile away, and the half-elf's mind raced as he wondered how the man would use that information. One paw in the satchel he still carried, and he wouldn't be leaving this place for a long time.

    The meeting wrapped up not long after. Vauna left to gather the nobles of the port, and assure none were still barricaded in their homes behind family retainers. The Baron dismissed the swordsman off-handedly, and he left without a word to wander the streets. After hiding the satchel, he returned to hang around down the street from Fordstein's manor. The half-elf spent the next few days doing that, as various nobles came and went. Whenever a guest showed up, he found his way to a nearby window. The meetings were boring, of course, but by the second day Tuevo moved into the house. Apparently, the sadistic ex-Senator snapped up another one. Nyadir hoped to relieve the kid of that association before it made the little bastard worse, but his plan changed when he saw the artifact.

    He assumed it would've remained on the ship, but sometimes after the meetings, the slender man would retrieve the box from a wall-safe behind a dresser. It would go onto his desk, and he would continue drawing the intricate black metal as finely as he could. The swordsman never knew his employer had such talent. On the third day, he was certain the artifact would remain ashore. The man hadn't returned to his ship since he left it, though it still floated out in the harbor. His first goal was to eliminate that second of Fordstein's lackeys that proved a thread. With a hand to the pockets on his vest, the half-elf envisioned the encounter. He would have to be careful, the larger man could likely crush him. A letter came from Vauna that afternoon seeking a meeting with him. That evening he was a few streets over, sitting in the comfortable mansion the resistance leader had appropriated for herself; his black hair was slicked wet.

  5. #15
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    Ebivoulya's Avatar

    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
    Age
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    Half-Elf
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    "You've been watching him for days," she said leading.

    "He's going to kill you. Cherub was supposed to do the job already."

    She took the news pretty well, and even nodded calmly after a few seconds. "I thought so. After the first day, he didn't even need me to arrange meetings. I hated to admit it, but I realized I had misjudged his character; though not yours, apparently." The half-elf didn't respond, but recalled her pointedly ignoring the cut on his jaw after he removed Cherub. "Tuevo quit the day Fordstein arrived, even spat a my feet. That man has been whispering things to him for days, and he's become unstable, ranting at people." Nyadir's face grew solemn with his suspicions confirmed. "I can at least pass word for the guards to overlook you tomorrow. Only the nobles would take his word over mine." He nodded gratefully, and spoke with confidence.

    "I'll be ready to move at first light."

    The dawn broke over Shorewatch many hours later, and the swordsman quietly slipped into a window on the side of the Baron's manor. Though one or two of the Melnach Guard spotted him, they all ignored the intruder, and he moved quietly to the back of the house. The tinted blue walls and white-lacquered furniture reminded him of the capitol, and he found Bones sitting in one of the larger rooms with a view of the city. The impressive man was again carving delicate figures from wood, although this time it was two warriors crossing blades. The muscled assassin raised his head with eyes of steel, and softly set his carving down beside him. He dropped the knife as well as he rose to his massive height, and spoke in a soft baritone.

    "Cherub didn't wander off, did he?"

    The smaller man did not speak, he only drew the large blade from his back and faced his ex-associate. The muscled lackey approached slowly with his hands up like he wanted to box. Nyadir swung lightly for the man's forearm, and his broadsword just... slid right off. A confused backstep led to a few more swipes, and not even a scratch was left on the thick arms of Bones. The half-elf made the mistake of thrusting, and the other man's giant hands wrapped around the blade. Then the mountain of a man just snapped the blade off, and dropped it to clatter on the floor. Those same hands wrapped around the smaller half-elf in that instant of surprise, and the burly assassin started laughing as he slowly crushed his new toy. Right as the larger man stopped to inhale, a crunch heralded the cloud of green gas that spewed out of the swordsman's mouth.

    The huge man stumbled backwards, and the smaller rolled his shoulders while he spat out pieces of green pellet. As he stood over the coughing behemoth, he responded to the smiling man's earlier question.

    "Looks like you wandered off, too."

  6. #16
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    Name
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    The light that shone in through thin windows flickered with the lightning above, the heavens ever swirling in color. The swordsman had grown fond of that twisted sky, and glanced down at the blue stone around his neck once more. It was his only keepsake from a forgotten life, and for a while he had wondered if he should cast it aside. Instead, he chose to wear it proudly, and did not tuck it under his vest. The large manor seemed empty now, and the swordsman strode through blue-tinted halls barren of decoration on the way to Fordstein's office. He let the satchel fall from his shoulder as he approached the intricate doors and dropped it beside the room. The bag lay empty except for that last bottle of poison, and he had no need for that anymore. The doors opened, and the figure standing behind the desk turned.

    Tuevo's mottled fur ruffled at the sight of his former employer, and he rounded the white-lacquered desk with fire in his eyes. No one else waited in the spacious room. The half-elf started to speak, but his young guide cut him off with quiet words that grew to a growl.

    "I know that you poisoned the port; you killed my mother!"

    It nothing else, Fordstein knew exactly where to apply leverage. Nyadir knew there was no way to respond to that, not with the evidence just outside the door. The slimy ex-senator had won on this front, but rather than anger, the swordsman felt only regret. The lad drew a scimitar with intent in his eyes, so his ex-employer pulled steel as well. The boy's first strikes were savage, but no where near the skill of Vauna or the general. The broad-shouldered outsider parried them all with a solemn face. They circled the room with steel swiftly clashing, but neither landed a blow. The cannibal Nyadir could not bring himself to strike down this threat that he created, this life that he ruined. The kid saw his pity and only grew more angry, even taunting the larger man.

    "Fordstein is gone, you fool! He's escaping on his ship by now!"

    That sounds about right...

    -----------

    Salty air swirled as sailors thrummed across the deck, and the slender Baron gave that sickly port one final glance, before entering his quarters. All the lavish figurines and delicate china did nothing to improve his mood as they normally would, but above all he headed straight for the far cabinet. Wrinkled hands carefully slid porcelain statuettes aside, and checked the hidden safe. With a sigh of relief, he chuckled and paced a bit. After calming down, the ex-Senator sat calmly at his desk. Several favors would need to be called in to save this fiasco, so he pulled the drawer open to retrieve his paper.

    A flint and steel inside the drawer sparked, and he curiously bent down to look beneath the ornate desk. Three familiar round packages sat against the back wall, and three burning fuses disappeared into them.

    -----------

    A distant boom echoed in from the harbor, and the seething Tuevo turned his mottled head toward the open window, ears twitching. The lad roared in denial, and came at the larger man with gusto. The blows fell quicker this time, and the half-elf found himself being pushed back, brows climbing to the ceiling. Several parries later, and his desperate duck of a quick thrust was met by a flourish that tossed his large bastard sword across the room. The lad did not relent, and the half-elf backpedaled as he drew his dagger. Catching the sword with his smaller blade, he slid it up to the guard and they held. Tuevo's eyes were wild, and he drew his scimitar back for an overhead stab.

    A tiny needle buried itself in his furry wrist.

    Leather squeezed tight against the stem of the flower Nyadir held in his hand, and steel clattered to the light-blue floor behind the young cat-folk. Despite the fear in his eyes when he looked down at his limp arm, the lad managed a wavering smile. Tuevo dropped to his knees, and spoke softly.

    "Take every advantage you can find."

  7. #17
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    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
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    A female voice echoed through the house, and the swordsman wandered out to see who it was. Vauna was already sending Melnach Guard throughout the house, and stood next to the corpse of Bones. She looked to Nyadir with concern when he entered so somber, and her face fell when she heard of Tuevo's fate. She sympathizes with his regret, but reminds him that there was no shame in defending himself. The swordsman managed an exhausted smile, and then she explained why she was here.

    "I came to tell you, Fordstein's ship has exploded in the harbor! The hole in the side was so large, it sank almost immediately."

    The half-elf responded with a nod. "The sovereignty of Melnach will remain its own." She smiled broadly, and nodded back as she replied. "We look forward to establishing more peaceful relations with the north. Hopefully more strong adventurers like you will come; we will need their help to tame our lands."

    "That's what adventurers do."

    The swordsman, once outsider, now friend, shared a smile with Vauna, and looked out to the crackling skies. There was one thing he could think of that might help, and he returned to Fordstein's office. After shifting an entire book-case to the side, he produced a small piece of paper. They contained several numbers, all learned through careful observation. The half-elf's hand shook with anticipation as he turned the dial, and the safe opened with a creak. There sat the artifact, a black box of immeasurable power and immaculate detail. He reached out and picked it up, turning it over in his hand.

    It was carved from wood.

  8. #18
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
    GP
    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

    View Profile
    Ebivoulya

    Story- 5/10 (I didn’t particularly appreciate the structure of the story. Similarly, I found the final climax lacked suspense. Indeed, the Baron’s demise was an afterthought. That said, much like Avatar, the story in this thread was the setting, which was dynamic as described below)
    Pacing- 5/10 (The up and down nature of the action in this thread made the story seem episodic rather than the concluding chapter of a grand adventure)
    Setting- 9/10 (I rarely give perfect scores, but this thread came very close. You truly made Melnach interesting in all aspects. From generic landmarks to specific floura and fauna, your usage of Tuevo to bring your vision of the land alive was masterful. What prevented me from giving you a perfect score is because some of your imagery, particularly when describing non-Melnach related items, was overwhelming. Indeed, it seems to added an adjective at every possible instance)
    Action- 6/10 (While action was at a premium, I did like that you used items you’d discovered earlier in the thread as major plot points later on. Attacks were varied and action sequences were well written. However, except (maybe) to help facilitate your character’s transition, there didn’t seem to be much point to Cherub in the thread. Like Raiders of the Lost Ark, the story would have unfolded with or without him. Since much of the action centered on him, I included this here rather than story.
    Dialogue- 5/10
    Persona- 6/10 (I found Nyadir’s internalization and sudden change of heart unlikely. Even knowing his backstory, I still figured you were working an angle throughout the thread. Still, it wasn’t wholly unrealistic given the circumstances and the compounding abuse of Fordstein. The relationship with A’lia was decent; the final narrative purpose of Teuvo was obvious, but I appreciated his naivety; and the Cherub was underutilized.)
    Mechanics- 8/10 (I found two spelling errors and some usage errors. I also appreciated your use of semi-colons).
    Technique-7/10 (You had the strongest technique in the finals. Notably, I appreciated the red herring of the Thunderbox, the circular usage of seemingly mundane items, as well as the predictable, but well written narrative role of Tuevo in the thread)
    Clarity- 7/10 (Again, your clarify score suffered from the overwhelming imagery in the thread. While I appreciated the depth of your world, you overused adjectives. Like before, I often found it difficult to read through the massive amounts of pronouns you used to describe your characters)
    Wildcard- 10/10 (All factors met)

    Total 68/100

    Rewards will be added at a later date.
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  9. #19
    Make It So
    EXP: 23,137, Level: 6
    Level completed: 45%, EXP required for next level: 3,863
    Level completed: 45%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,863
    GP
    2,980
    Rayleigh's Avatar

    Name
    Rayleigh Aston
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brunette
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5'3 / 115
    Job
    Mechanic

    View Profile
    2176 EXP and 231 GP

    Rewards added on 4.0.
    Althy's Judging Admin
    To try or not to try. To take a risk or play it safe.
    Your arguments have reminded me how precious the right to choose is.
    And because I've never been one to play it safe, I choose to try.




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