June 2017 Vignette Judgment

Thanks to everyone who participated! I have commentary for each of you, and feel free to PM me if you require clarification or more detail. This was actually fairly close, a few of you just needed to make minor adjustments and you would have been contending for the top spot. Without further ado...

Fennwenn: The repetition of the word "antique" didn't quite land for me, although I assume it was intentional. I think in this case finding a way to repeat it a third time actually might have helped. You didn't immediately make Fenn's shift in alignment apparent, and I noticed a few mechanical errors, but generally this was solid, Fennerific writing. That said, it did feel almost twice as long as it needed to be. This is your short game, after all, and there wasn't a huge amount of plot you needed to cram in.

Flamebird: The opening line didn't land at all for me, because I found it confusing. I believe it should have been "There she lay." While that may seem like a dramatic statement, it's not very informative. However, after that, you did get right into the action, which is a good thing. I did feel like this vignette suffered from an overall lack of scope and information. You had a lot of repetitions like every means necessary, revenge, and blood, but you didn't really communicate why she was fighting until the very end, and "she's insane" isn't a very satisfying explanation.

Philomel: While I'm not usually a fan of titles for vignettes, I appreciated yours because of how specific this prompt was. I liked what you did with your opening, but I feel like you made it a little too detailed. I had trouble envisioning the fragrances because I got lost in a long list of them. There were a few sentence structural issues which may have been intentional, but didn't quite land for me. Overall I felt like this was an exceptionally creative piece of writing in which, really, nothing happened. I got to know the character a bit, and that was all.

jdd2035: Your opening wasn't bad, but it left me confused as to whether Cain, or the deck, was a disgusting mural of filth, garbage, and tobacco stains. Overall, this was a pretty standard jdd piece of writing. It was about sailing, and you did have a quick sea battle, but nothing of great consequence happened. It would have been more interesting if you'd focused more on Cain's actions, like whipping and shooting crewmates. As it was, those things almost slipped by, and they were really what this vignette was all about.

Good for Nothing Captain: The opening line was too long and monologue-y, but you probably had the strongest opening overall. I liked the way you jumped right into the middle of the scene, and used Victor's actions to demonstrate his alignment. I was disapointed, however, when it turned out to be a dream. You didn't really give any further examination of who Victor is as an evil character, you just gave a snapshot and woke up, and then found a kind of cliched way to end it.

SirArtemis: You had a stong opening that used actions to demonstrate Artemis' alignment. Overall I felt like you had some nice moments, but also dwelled a little too much on detail. The descriptions of things made up the bulk of your writing, so although I got a clear image of Artemis as evil, the whole killing as a vice justification didn't really click. I would have been curious to know what it was like for him growing up, before he became so efficient at practicing his trade. A couple things also didn't ring true to the character, such as, why would he consider some sleepy drunk "dessert" after killing a beautiful young girl?

Rogue: Yours was the only opening smooth enough that I didn't stop to write comments until halfway through your post. Writing in present tense really worked for you, and I felt like you accomplished the most in the smallest time frame, using both dialogue and action to show your character's alignment. You had a couple minor mechanical errors, but nothing that tripped me up too much. I encourage you to bring this kind of writing to some longer quests here on Althanas.

1st place: Rogue
2nd place: SirArtemis

FennWenn receives 250 EXP!
Flamebird receives 200 EXP!
Philomel receives 550 EXP!
jdd2035 receives 300 EXP!
Good for Nothing Captain receives 300 EXP!
SirArtemis receives 1040 EXP and 150 GP!
Rogue receives 200 EXP and 200 GP!