And here’s my Decision Made in Due Time
Story
Continuity - 8/10
Both of you made an overall good effort in tying your previous locales into this getaway quest. Extra good job to Skyler for giving her enough reason to be thrown into the same pit as Malagen, who slaughtered an entire slave block.
Setting - 9/10
Vivid description given from the inside of the prison dungeon to the Salvic highland. The description during the chute-running was especially vivid – almost to the point of me losing my lunch right in front of the console. I could’ve sworn I smelled something, but then I realized it was all in my head. Admirable interaction with the environment as well as portraying it in vivid details – even somethings that most people would neglect i.e. the constant biting chills. The setting appeared quite consistent at most times and helped to set the readers in your universe. ^_^
Pacing - 8/10
Each post eased into one another very well. At times the story quickened and gave me a sense of urgency, especially during the last two posts that ended with a cliff-hanger. Also at times you made the readers linger around to soak in the atmosphere.
Skyler – You had a few recaps that were unnecessary, such as the ones in post 32. You did not need to reiterate what Malagen said outright to get the readers to understand you were reacting to his “command” about dumping the cargo. But you did not repeat that instance later on, so it was fine for the most part. Just remind yourself: “You don’t need to say it again.”
Character
Dialogue - 8/10
Malagen: As a heartless, emotionless killer, his dialogues came off as stoic and patronizing. I find it hard at times to actually believe that a person like him could say something so straightforward, but then again I haven’t exactly met a heartless, unemotional person myself. Therefore, it was a bit hard for me to visualize how Malagen would interact with other people via verbal communication. At points the speech sounded forceful, but not like it was out of his character. Malagen, in my perspective, is a rudely forceful person. That’s what made those stiff dialogues sounded so like him.
Skyler – A brash, reckless young assassin with the wits to boot. Her snarky words were not what I thought as common for assassins, but then again she is just a teen. But… A teen whose lives revolved around killing would not be so much as playful as loathing. Most of her words were true to her character, still, with extra vinegar behind each word.
Action - 7/10
Malagen: His actions were thoroughly understandable for the most parts, with the little bits of odd twitches here and there. Still, he looked a bit too capable with a malformed shoulder and broken ribs. I would expect him to be an extreme burden with that many broken bones, but I’m not too familiar with the Dram anatomy. If it were the same as a human, walking alone would be downright torturous – not to even speak of the little bed game you played later in the story.
Skyler: For someone who took a tumble through the sewer (with a sliced arm from the metal hook), she looked fairly capable and far too healthy to make such subtle movements during the clothing heist. An opened wound in a stream of sludge would most certainly have given her either blood poisoning (of the really bad kind) or a nasty gangrene within a few days. The Salvic winter could have made the pain more or less unnoticed compared to the bitter chills, but at least she should have noticed it as well.
For the rest of the story, your actions were justified for the most part. You two played a dangerous game of diplomacy and got out alive, for the most parts. Malagen kept Skyler in tow because he needed her as a tool. Skyler needed Malagen to guide her out of the dungeon in the beginning, though the later reasons for following him was a bit ambiguous at best. Even after the bed game, I was still pretty clueless why she kept following him.
Persona - 7/10
Malagen – I could see him slowly dissolving his anti-personnel shield away, though a part of him remained stoic and unemotional. In my country, this is called the “Coconut Syndrome” – Tough on the outside, but a really big softie on the inside. I would wonder if Skyler would finally crack his tough shell somewhere along the Salvic peaks?
Skyler – I did not see much internal thoughts or rationalization coming from the mind of a teen assassin. There are a few thoughts here and there, but they were sporatic and sometimes not very powerful. At this point in time, she is still not entirely three-dimensional but not two-dimensional at all now. Somewhere along the lines of a high-relief sculpture. Add some more internalized thoughts (which could count towards internal dialogues as well) and Skyler could be easier to interpret and sympathized with.
Writing Style
Technique - 7/10
Few errors, mostly from easily misspelled words and run-on sentences such as:
This could be split into two sentences and still retained the same meaning, leaving out a few details that seemed redundant or all-in-all unneeded.There were some ragged curtains at the window in the study they'd slept in, and although threadbare and quite dusty, they would do more for her feet than they were doing to keep light out - the grime that clung to the persistent frost on the window was doing an admirable job of that.
Plus, don’t always trust what MS Words try to correct. Sometimes it is best left to the writer’s discretion, since the suggestions could be well worse than what was originally written. It is only a computer program, after all.In the study, there were some ragged curtains at the window that would do more for her feet than keeping the light out. Although the cloth was thread-bare and quite dusty, grime clinging to the frost on the window was doing an admirable job already.
Mechanics - 8/10
There were a lot of simile usage and I see a hint of foreshadow coming from Malagen as well. Some words and images stuck vivid in my mind as I read over the story for a second time, noticing a few similarities here and there. An overall great job at using higher literary devices.
Clarity - 8/10
Some parts were clear as day (note the part about Setting) while some parts remained ambiguous and hard to figure out. Gratefully, there was more of the former and the story went along quite well. Some grammatical errors kept the reading from gliding seamlessly right through the entire story, but overall it did not detract from the enjoyment. Great job.
Misc
Wild Card - 8/10
Thanks for the heads-up about the N-17 Warning in the starting of the quest. I was at first reluctant if I wanted to have that image in my head but I also wanted to see why. Here’s my assessment of the aforementioned scene:
“Three posts of intimate pleasure, zero direct visualization saved for those familiar with smut stories.”
Admittingly, I have read a few of said “smut stories” myself on a separate website so I understand what went down that eventful night in the shack. Even though there was minimal visual description, I still blushed while reading that.
Also... Congratulations for a job well done!
FINAL SCORE – 78!
Malagen receives 2150 EXP, loses his starting gears and replaced with the ones at the end of the quest: Light-grey wool Sweater, bleached linen tunic, grey woolen pants (albeit somewhat itchy), a pair fur-lined dark brown boots, a rusty butcher knife. He also receives the skill Intimidation. -3 Salvar Reputation Points for Escaping Prison and Man-slaughter.
Skyler receives 1400 EXP, loses her starting gears and replaced with the ones at the end of the quest: Matted grey woolen sweater, bleached linen undertunic, fur-lined brown leather pants and a pair of fur-lined boots. She attains the skill Novice Thievery. -3 Salvar Reputation Points for Escaping and Man-slaughter.
All skills/abilities awarded are temporary until approval by the RoG upon your profile update.
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