Journey on Wolf Paw Mountain

[Christoph]

With a grunt, Chris picked himself up out of the red and white snow and pulled his sword from the body of the alpha wolf. He looked down at himself and realized that he was covered in blood. It wasn’t terribly disgusting, though; he’d gotten worse on the occasions that he helped the butcher back in his home town.

It didn’t matter anyway. Being left messy and dirty after a victory doesn’t change the fact that one was still victorious. He smiled at the realization. They had defeated the wolves and came out of it alive. It was only after wiping the blood from his hands did Chris realize that the fox had returned. Heather was looking at it with an odd and strangely astonished look. Could it be that this fox was the fey after all? He glanced at his friend, who quickly nodded in response to his unasked question.

“Welcome back,” said Chris, his eyes returning to the fox. He wasn’t quite sure what else to say. The fey responded his the chef’s greeting by... giggling.

“You are both very kind,” said the fox. It’s voice was female and young, almost child-like.

[Tigurio_hatesHer]

Heather felt numb from the shock of being attacked again, but also glad she'd spared that battle potion for this... The fox by the fire told them they were very kind.

She looked around. The golden glow of the fire illuminated the ice-covered rockface of the cave, making the shadows seem to move within like ghosts. The snowcaked ground around the fire thinned nearer the heat, and some steam also rose from the base of the wood fire, as melted ice and snow trickled down towards the embers.

Looking back at the fox, heather noticed the creature as if for the first time, again, and smiled, remembering what the fox had said.

"Who would have thought a profiteering venture would turn into a spiritual experience?" She laughed quietly to herself, then addressed the fox. "A dire wolf, three wolves in a pack, and the thing that mattered was a scrap of fish." She smiled, shaking her head. "And you disguised yourself, I'd guess, to test us... We both almost got ourselves killed to prove our hospitability..." She laughed, exhausted. "Well I'm glad we don't disappoint."

[Christoph]

"Oh no, dear," said the giddy voice of the fox spirit. "Those wolves weren't a test from me. They came on their own; life can be funny that way." Chris was now sitting by the fire, across from the fey fox. The spirit glanced over at the fallen wolves.

"But, I think you deserve a little something for the trouble they caused..." The fox with the child-like voice trotted over to the pair of recently slain wolves and shook her head. "These two will surely fetch a good price on their own. But that one..." She glanced over at the slimmer, scraggly wolf that Heather and Chris had slain before. The fey raised her nose and a small dot of light appeared above it and flew into the third wolf. An amazing display of light followed. The dead wolf glowed brighter than any fire, casting light through the forest. Its intensity caused Chris to cover his eyes. When the light finally faded, the malnourished wolf was no more and in its place was the body of a massive, formidable wolf with silver fur.

"What... how..." Chris was dumbfounded. The fey fox, their camp guests, was already scampering off, circling around a white birch tree.

"Oh yes, feel free to peel some of the bark off this tree, I won't mind," said the fox randomly. With that, the illusive spirit giggling again and vanished into the forest before either Chris or Heather could question it further. The bloody chef gave Heather a confused look. When she didn't object, he stood and began peeling the bark carefully off of the birch's trunk It came off in two long, wide strips. The strange part, however, was the fact that the inside of the bark was covered in black writing.

"There's... writing on the bark," Chris pointed out to Heather. Her eyes lit up.

"They're arcane scrolls of some kind!" she exclaimed, rushing over to look at them. Her face fell for a moment, but perked back up. "I can't read the language... but between us, I'm sure we could translate them. After we bring these wolves back to the town and convince the people that we killed the 'Silver wolf.'" Chris smiled, even though he was gradually becoming aware of the injuries that Heather's combat potion had masked.

"Yes. Yes we can." The morning sun was slowly rising, shining over the snow-covered trees like a torch illuminating a great treasure chest.

[Atzar]

STORY

Continuity: 2 – Where did they come from? Or why were they on this journey, for that matter? I got very little background from either character. Also, there was no conclusion at all – it just ended extremely abruptly. Continuity is the when of the story, and I got a hazy picture at best of when this story took place in either character’s story.

Setting: 4 – This was very good at some parts, and very lacking at others. First, there was a lot of environment interaction here. That’s always good to see. Other than that, it would really help you guys to pay a little more attention to the details of your surroundings. The dire wolf just seemed to disappear until the very end of the story when you needed it as a prize. I would have liked you to mention at least once that this took place in Salvar. The fact that you left that out really stuck out to me. Also, it really seemed coincidental that this took place on a mountain. You mentioned that it was steep only once, and I never saw any weariness or difficulty from two straight days of nonstop climbing.

Pacing: 3 – First of all, try not to repeat parts of the previous post, like lines of dialogue. It really messes with the flow of the story. Also, there were times when the pace jumped around. The time of day, in particular, seemed to jump back and forth as it pleased, and the blizzard seemed to instantaneously dump six inches of snow on you and then just disappear. Remember, in the future, that time of day won’t jump from night to morning with just dinner and a battle with wolves. Battles like that usually take five minutes at most, so chances are it would have still been night when all was said and done. Also, bunnying isn’t a bad thing at all – frequently, it can really contribute to the rhythm of a story by making posts longer and more fluid. The fact that you guys went to such extremes to avoid bunnying is good – unapproved use of the other person’s character is against the rules – but the line all bunnying approved in this quest easily solves that problem for you.

CHARACTER

Dialogue: 5 – Pretty good. This, for the most part, was down-to-earth and realistic. I would suggest trying to put more personality in the words. The conversation, while pretty realistic, was a little generic and devoid of feeling. As you use your characters more and develop their personalities, this will solve itself. So just practice!

Action: 4 – Seemed unrealistic at times. Again, I saw no difficulty or wear from climbing a mountain for two whole days. Also, adult wolves can weigh in excess of two-hundred pounds. Between you two, lifting such a bulk would be extremely difficult going up a mountain, especially since Heather was weary from injury. Other that that, this was pretty good.

Persona: 3 Eh, I really think you guys could have done better here. I got very little feel for either of your characters. Both of them lacked real emotion or thoughts. At times, you tried to tell me that one of them felt something, but the issue here is about context. Show me how they feel; don’t tell me. If somebody is angry, they don’t act like they normally do. They have malicious thoughts directed at the source of their anger, their dialogue is snappier than normal, they might ‘stalk’ up the mountain instead of merely climbing… it’s all in the words you use. This is really something that you have to practice to get right. So again… just practice!

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics: 4 – I saw a lot of run-on sentences, fragments, and missing words. Also, don’t use the ‘…’ quite so much. Once in awhile is okay, but definitely not multiple times in each post. Proofread each other’s posts in the future; that alone would make this score jump multiple points.

Technique: 4 – The only notable technique that I saw was the imagery/simile in the very last line. This score will climb as you guys progress and get more practice as writers. Things like similes, imagery, flashbacks/foreshadowing can really spice a thread up and make it that much more interesting to the reader.

Clarity: 5 – This was fairly clear. I generally knew what was happening. There were a few things that just popped out of nowhere, however, and took me by surprise. Heather’s potions, for example, and the cat. You should try to mention that these things are present in the first few posts, instead of right when you need them.



Wild Card: 5 – The scores weren’t particularly nice to you guys. Don’t look at this as a low score, but rather as a golden opportunity for improvement. Some small changes would really bump the score of a quest like this a lot, and I see a lot of potential in you two as writers. It’s like I said multiple times: PRACTICE! I’m looking forward to reading threads by you guys in the future.

Final Score: 39

Carrying three carcasses was too much for the two of them. Christopher and Heather decide to leave the lesser of their prizes behind, electing only to take their grand prize. Still, it fetched a very good price when they made it back to town…

Christoph gains 600 exp and 200 GP. He also gets one of the birch-bark scrolls. At the moment, they aren’t translated and have no use until they are deciphered.

Tigurio_hatesHer gains 600 exp and 200 GP. She also gets one of the birch-bark scrolls. At the moment, they aren’t translated and have no use until they are deciphered.

If you guys would rather keep the carcass instead of getting the gold for it, please tell me and I’ll have this changed. Thanks!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!