Alone (Wide Open)

[Massacre]

"Corvus... he's... he's my father. Don't you understand that? Despite what he did, "A'rei glanced at her father and quickly back to Corvus, "he's still my father and I still love him like my father."

A'rei didn't feel shame despite his profession or choice of work. In reality she had hated living on a farm, she was almost proud of her father. He had gotten himself out of that pathetic farm and into the world, forging a path through the competition.

You see my friend, in my business it becomes necessary to front a number of different organizations. What better way to find my daughter than pretend to be a slaver? It has also proved to be quite profitable along the way." Malikus regarded Corvus with harshness, almost as though he was inferior.

"Father, will you let Corvus remain unharmed at all, in any way, if I come with you wherever you're going?" A'rei stepped in front of Corvus, almost defensively. Her father surely had more elite guards elsewhere in the building. Perhaps they could harm Corvus unlike the ones who hadn't seen such a beast before.

"Yes, your friend there may leave unharmed. He can even join us if he'd like. He seems to be a great warrior."

"Don't drag him into this, I just met him today! He's got no business joining your mercenaries."

"Fine, but if he tries anything I'm having Raeythecus here take care of him."

A'rei turned to Corvus, "Please Corvus, don't worry about me. Just go and continue what you were doing before you met me. I'm sick of seeing you in danger because of me."

[Corvus MacCallum]

"My whole life is danger... "

His fingers tightening upon that sword he brought it up and thrust it past A'reis shoulder, not even touching the misguided lass but the point sure as hell aimed at her dad. Blood was dripping from the sharpened tip, his hands and mouth quite thoroughly coated as well... he was mad as hell and really wondered if he could leave these lot unharmed... all those women he saw being paraded through the streets...

"When I leave town I will strike the fact hes your father from my memory... along with your wish he not be killed, nor his lackeys... if those people remain slaves tomorrow I will be back and better not doubt me on that you bastard"

Slowly that gigantic sword withdrew, since there were no fangs to rip or hides to skin Corvus eyed up one of the large bladed broad-swords, scooping it up and the sheath from one of the fallen guards. At the least it would be alright for skinning and add extra weight training. His claws rapped against the floor as he slowly began to walk out, tail sweeping from side to side with a real display of his hatred on this whole situation. On reaching the door the rapping of foot-claw stopped... replaced instead with his hand, claw after blood-soaked claw hitting against the door-frame, he gave a look back to the girl all this blood had been shed for... perhaps futilely shed in fact.

"A'rei... heres a lesson from a vagabond, position and power mean nothing, riches and servants even less... what matters is if you can look back on your deeds and hold your head up high, thats something he'll never be able to do, don't make that mistake as well"

Agreement or not, as Corvus walked down through the building no one opposed him, he stank of blood in all the most lethal areas and word had been screamed by the retreating guards of just what he'd done. Man-slayer was such a pathetic title when compared to dragon-slayer, but if it made even one of these men sober up to the idea that slavery was wrong... well it was worth having.

[Massacre]

"Finally, reunited with my daughter. Come A'rei, let me introduce you to the man who helped me the most in finding you!" Malikus outstretched his arm implying he wanted to put it around A'rei's shoulders. She looked at him and blinked for a brief moment and walked under his embrace, "This is Raeythecus, the man whom I drank with formerly. He decided to become a mercenary and I joined him in search for you."

"A true pleasure, Miss Ngoyu," the rough looking man gave an eloquent bow, "I've heard tales of your beauty and I see that it is indeed true."

"Uh, thank you." A'rei hadn't heard anyone speak with such eloquence and look so rough in her life. She liked the man so far.

"Certainly! Your beauty is well commanded. You have my admiration," the rough mercenary turned to Malikus, "I must take my leave. I have a beast to hunt. Best of luck to you both in mending your past." The hunter made his exit to the door A'rei and Corvus had entered through.

A'rei's father sat down and began conversing with her. Like an abused pet that comes to its master, she sat down and listened.

For the second time in her life A'rei didn't feel so... alone.

[Lucien]

Mood: Apathetic. (I'm just that goth)
Music: Broken Wings (Piano Version) ~ Trinity Blood Ending Theme

Now, I apologize for the long wait. I didn't pick this thread up until the 21st, and well, laziness and two jobs aren't a good combination. So, yeah, sorry again.

To make things easier for me and easier to organize, I'm only going to put quick notes near each of the categories. This way, at the end, I can give you both a larger paragraph summary on the things you need to improve on, etc.

I am also underlining anything I think is absolutely important.

STORY ~

Continuity (6) ~
-Masscre, you gave me storyline and continuity throughout your thread, which is very rare for any Althanas character. While I do believe you went a bit overboard at times by spreading it to almost every post, it was fresh. Good Job.

-Corvus, you had more scattered background, with most of it sitting at the beginning in your opening posts. It worked, which is why this category earned a 6 between the two of you.

Setting (5) ~
-For both of you, this gets an average score. There was a lot of detail at the beginning, but most of that energy seemed to die out later in the thread with only sporadic smells of Corvus and semantics from Masscre. I had almost no idea of what the village/city you two entered looked like. People were drunk, yes. But was it a small drunken village? Was it medieval and uncivilized in its design? Were the streets paved? The houses you scratched; were they in good condition or not? Also, a key piece of advice;

Setting is like the scenery of a play. No one wants to just see a painted tarp behind the actors as the pantomime; not unless they're drama nerds or something. They want props, they want interaction with the environment. And they want a lot of it.

Pacing (3) ~
-This is the area that got hurt the most. I'll explain to both of you why this is so low in the summaries. But know that is was not the fault of any individual. And while you may believe pacing isn't important; better pacing would've made this an easier read for me.


CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (4) ~
-Massacre: I preferred your dialog towards the beginning. It seemed more natural, more worrisome. Later on, it kind've appeared, well, psychotically energetic at times. I could see your character saying these things, but not while she's being hunted by slavers as she and a wolf man huddle in a back alley. Also, don't ever repeat the other person's dialog in your post. Remember that your reader has already read it, so that they know what you're talking about. Please, it just gets repetitive.

-Corvus: You need to work on keeping modern sayings out of your work. It just seemed liked your character grew up on Earth at times, the way he spoke,

I ain't no human... fun fuckers...

not merely in vocabulary, but also in grammar.

It also wasn't just your main character.

"He.... he got Freddy!"

"in bits man.... hes in fucking bits..."

You see, it's not just the word fucker, it's the way it's said. These two mercenaries sounded suspiciously Vietnam survivor to me; not Althanian.

Action (6) ~ For the most part, action was alright and fitting to both your characters. Corvus smashed things, and Massacre was introverted enough to come off as an abused person. At times, it was a little fuzzy as to how far you pushed the boundaries of your actions into something far different than your characters. Like Corvus not wanting to be ripping throats out in front of A'rei; but then later he hacks through them like a mad man on meth. Just a tad inconsistent, not too bad.

Persona (5) ~ The persona in this was iffy for me. Like I said in dialog, A'rei came off really energetic at times, and I found her saying things that filled plot holes, which felt weird. I counted about three times when she said, "Why did I say this?" or "Why ....etc?" and yet there was no answer after that as to these actions. It made her seem a bit ditsy. But the first page also made her out to be extremely troubled and nervous, but still managing to talk to people? Trying out a new character can be hard sometimes, as you'll often fluctuate persona around. You'll eventually find your nistch though, or whatever the word is.

Corvus, not to forget you, but your character seemed rabid to me. Not just because of the brutal violence either. He seemed to love a challenge and hate society, but you mention he helped out a nice old farm couple. Also, why be at a populated beach so close to people. You could've headed much further down the shoreline to a much more isolated area.


WRITING STYLE ~

Technique (5) ~ No many literary techniques I saw here. There was some train of thought by Corvus, and flashbacks and *hinted* foreshadowing by Massacre. Please, especially for Corvus, use some more imagery. Paint a more vivid picture, a lively world teeming with life. A warrior character needs that.

Mechanics (4) ~ There were a lot of mistakes. I'm not going to point them all out, but if either of you want to see them I will gladly have an Instant Message or Private Message conversation to go over them with you.

Corvus, this connects to what I'm going to say to you in my final paragraph.

Clarity (3) ~ I can't give this a higher score. I was confused a lot of the time of what was going on. A'rei's flashbacks threw me off from time to time, and I thought Corvus had stabbed her father at the end of the thread. (Which would've been funny as hell.) This all comes down to pacing.

Wild Card (8) ~ While there is a vast area for improvement, I see a lot of raw talent here. If you both keep writing you can really become some of the best on Althanas some day. So what the hell, have an 8. I can do that.

Total Score: 49


Corvus: You need to learn how to write in a less casual fashion. You write as if your character is narrating, or at least some extension of him. And yet, you also write in the third person limited form. These two do not mix. It often sounds like Corvus' thoughts during your descriptions, which vastly take away from pacing and flow, as well as enjoyment.

You also need to lessen up on your use of ellipses. This really... breaks up the....way...someone....reads...something, as you can see. It's a good rule of thumb to never have them in anything but actual character dialog.

Massacre: You aren't a native English speaker, I understand that. There were a few fundamental sentence structure and grammatical mistakes that even I was making 'till I joined Althanas. Instant Message me and I'll be glad to go over these with you and what you can do to improve on it.

Your flashbacks really cut up the pacing to a choppy level, which in turn hurt clarity. Never go for the flashbacks so often. There are other ways to hint at a dark past that the reader can put together. Remember, the reader does not always have to be an idiot, most readers can piece some key together on their own.

Again, please PM or IM me with any questions, complaints, suggestions, or death threats.


Massacre:
EXP - 709
Gold - 100 - Because her father gave her some for back owed allowance.

Corvus
EXP - 691

EDIT: After being PMed by Corvus, I'm awarding a steel broadsword to him as a spoil. Not very ornate, it serves functionality first, and it's made from an alight steel. It also has some weight to it, so it can be used to train with a different type of sword.

Whether or not Corvus decides to sell it later on at the bazaar is up to him, but it isn't really worth much outside of spare weaponry.

*Also, a side note. Your side bar says your current "slammer" sword is six inches, not six feet. ' is feet, " is inches.

*Also Also, It was a bit unrealistic how you dispatched those guards. They are train professionals, and taking out six or so of them in a few swipes seems unreasonable. They know how to dodge, especially when they see a six foot, or inch, sword coming at them. You need to remember to give your NPC henchmen some more realism in feelings and ability.

[Letho]

Please don't post in threads after the judgment is done. PM the moderator instead.

EXP/GP added!