Xos is red
016573 is blue
Story
Continuity:
3 - You gave me why he was there, but you left so many unanswered questions. How did your mirror self get into this world to face you? A question from your earlier thread still sticks with me. I have no idea how he can be descended from dragons. Big ol' scaly creature, little bitty human? The reproductive options are confusing and a little disturbing. You have to give your readers more. I believe, in the last thread I judged, I told you this. You cannot assume that they know everything that's going on in your mind. You have to treat each and every thread like it were it's own stand alone story.
5 - While I did appreciate the rundown of their last encounter, which was really the most I needed to know, there was still alot of unanswered questions that greatly impeded the enjoyment of this thread. How does Josh know about Gauss tech? Was he from Earth? If so, how'd he get to Althanas?
Setting:
4 - The use of this arena was dissappointing. Not only did you have tons of weaponry at your disposal, but you had the perfect aerial platform for attack, as well as a huge bookshelf. As my favorite ex-avatar went, "People are dumb, throw books at them." =P
3 - Also, not describing it in the first post hurt this score, because the purpose of the introduction is to set the scene. Pairing that with the shopping list approach to the description was devastating. This is your arena! Come on. This came from your mind. Next time, use it as a force of nature to it's full advantage.
Pacing:
4 - This was a battle. Too much dialogue, not enough descriptive action. It made the battle sluggish and drawn out far beyond what it should have been.
5 - I even found the same problem from you, drawing out the action. You don't need to pause between every attack for insight and conversation.
Character
Dialogue:
3 - Your character is chatty, and while there's nothing wrong with that in general, this was a fight. Even beyond the fact that he talked more than seemed believable for battle, the way he speaks just doesn't seem real. There's little personality to it, almost as if he's a walking textbook. I don't mean that in the way he sounds like a scholar, because I realize he was. I mean that if I were to watch a movie with this dialogue, I wouldn't be able to get into it. Even with a clipped, intelligent tone, you need more flow to the words.
5 - The same to you. Nothing your character said was memorable, nothing let me really see who he was. The tone was formal, and I don't know a single 22 year old male, well educated or not, who doesn't use some sort of slang or relaxed grammar in their speech. Dialogue needs to be filled with character, not just a means for IC communication.
Action:
2 - Whoa, we have some problems here, mate. Your character talks more than a preteen girl with her own cell phone. On crack. Okay? Think about what's going on. You're not going to be able to recite the Gettysburg Address while you dodge blows and jump over feet and such. ESPECIALLY for a character without alot of physical power. Actions speak louder than words. Always remember that. Now, we go to spells. First, your little H2O joke? Not cool. In your profile, you aren't supposed to be able to form more than one fireball atom at a time, and I believe you aren't supposed to be able to choose which ones appear. Here, you choose three and link them together with fiery lines. Even if, through quests, he'd learned to do the lines, and to choose what atom appears, it should only have been one. Even in non-combat situations, stick to the limitations of your profile. There's a reason they exist. Then come the boots with the light platforms. I couldn't find any mention of them in your profile at all. If they'd been quested for or purchased, a link in your signature would have been greatly appreciated so that I could glance and see that you did in fact come by this item for that use.
4
Persona:
5 - All I can really say is at least Xos is making sense in this thread.
6 - This really seems to be a roll that suits your character. You played him solidly through the whole thread, and it's good to see such a strong grasp of the character.
Writing Style
Mechanics:
3 - You are going to have to learn to slow down. For instance, the use of opponet instead of opponent was particularly headache-inducing. These small errors are a bother to read, and detract from the overall story.
6
Technique:
2 - Brevity works both ways. I'm glad you don't go on and on about things that have nothing to do with the thread, but at the same time, there is no substance to your work. You have to make your readers picture a scene. You have to make them feel what your character is feeling. You can't just toss up actions and dialogue and expect for it to keep a person's interest for long. You're writing a story, not a script.
4 - More emotion is needed. Your writing is cold and methodical, and while sometimes that is a great tool, here it does nothing to serve the character. Also, the flashback scene gave me a problem. While, yes, it did explain in great detail how Joshua knew Xos would attack his head, a large scene like that in the middle of an attack does nothing but slow down the action, lessening the impact of the entire thing.
Clarity:
5 - You're improving here, but there were some things that bugged me here. You can't hide a staff under a cloak and not have it impede the person somehow in movement. I was just as confused as Joshua was when you suddenly pulled it out. Little details are the most important. You cannot be more OCD when it comes to them. Please, for the love of god, start thinking about these things, start thinking about how someone outside of your head is going to see and react to the things you are writing.
7
Wild Card:
3 - Most young men have no idea what to do with their staves, alas.
4
Totals:
34
49
Winner - 016573
016573 receives 500 EXP and 577 GP
Xos receives 100 EXP and 102 GP
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