Mystery of The Endless. ((Solo Quest))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

(Moderator note this takes place after my Solo Quest thank you )

****Prologue****

****Re-cap****

It all began with The Endless and will end with them. Moons ago, a race of sentient machines calling themselves the Golems revealed their existence to the boy. On a whim, the boy left the comforts of Haidia's dangerous wilderness to travel to the surface world. Searching for a man named Ranger Nailo, The Endless told the boy that a group calling themselves The Gol'Bron needed his membership. After joining, a man named Nocks Gilderon began the boy's rigorous combat education.

Prior to that in Haidia, the boy formed an adventure party with a group of strangers in order to invade a temple hidden deep within Haidia's wilderness. This was how the boy ended up on the surface world by finding a newly discovered teleportation ring leading near to the spot where the Gol'bron made their town. Finding a hidden temple to a dark enemy named N'Jal very near to the teleportation ring, the boy had himself a deep adventure with Ranger Nailo in that same temple. The temple ultimately might become a safe haven for those members of the Gol'bron opting to worship N'Jal in peace.

After his run-in with the Golems, an individual Golem named Number 0300 left Number 5,325 under his care for crimes committed. In essence, becoming an exile like the boy. Revealing himself to be the boy's son (In retrospection) Number 5,325 opted to become his Father's care-taker. With a small group of Agents from the Golem society joining Number 5,325, they settled easily into The Gol'bron's emerging town.

************************************************

Several months ago everything changed for the boy. A faithful trip to a temple in the depths of Haidia ultimately lead him to the Gol'Bron. Training with them now the boy acquired considerable combat skills. Every day and every night the boy spent hours of his immortality training to become an effective living weapon for the outfit. At first, he made no progress, but in due time once he began to overcome mental blocks, the boy started to become a fearsome warrior.

On this night, a group of newcomers observed the fight between the boy and one of the Monks of the Order. The newcomers were really in their disguised identities fashioned for surface life on Althanas. The Prime Directive--something the boy began to follow on his own as well, forbade the Golems from revealing themselves in their natural state to under-developed peoples.

A modified dojo surrounded the warriors now. Taking notes, a panel of the Warrior Monks furiously jotted down all of the boy's pertinent growth. In a short period of time the lad overcame a lot of personal short-comings. He desperately wanted to be accepted as a useful member of the Gol'bron. Right now, his fighting education mattered the most. Eventually, the Gol'bron might wage war against other rival Power Groups.

The boy needed preparation. As the battle heated itself, the older warrior unleashed a flurry of attacks. The boy instinctively reacted allowing himself to parry the attacks one by one. The loud sound of heavy wood clanking against heavy wood vibrated throughout the dojo. The gathered monks observed in complete silence. The Eldest Monk, Nocks simply nodded every so often.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Keeping his concentration on movement, the boy utilized his newly found combat skills aggressively now. Though they took time to manifest, the boy knew it was important to keep aggressively learning. Forcibly dodging two more parries the boy worked to keep his anger at bay. Attempting to remained focused now, the boy remembered all of Nocks teachings.

If he failed now, he might have to start all over from the top of his basic studies. He couldn't afford that now! Making significant progress in a previous adventure, the boy knew how to switch from defensive mode, to aggressive mode. Creating an opening with a parry, the boy quickly altered his forward momentum shifting his body weight naturally. The trickiest thing about learning the arts of that the Monks of the Order taught, was learning to move one's body in full control.

Not reactive or instinctive. But full, conscious control of thought to the point where things became memorized, like a painter. Every movement purposeful and having meaning. Thrusting his body weight forward with a certain acquired grace, the boy broke through the warrior's feeble counter attempt. Parrying with one arm and attacking on the other, the boy suddenly hit the other lad's neck skillfully. There was no worry that the boy might break his neck.

It was a perfectly controlled sparring strike. Landing another struck further down his trapezius muscle, the boy continued the striking pattern. His hand moving quickly following the specific tactical chain of movements. Applying added force into each hit the warrior monk's eyes went wide with shock. Continuing the combination move, his hand flowed down piercing the pectoralis major and striking with full force now. Within a matter of moments, the older boy was on the floor. The small warrior retained his discipline in front of the Master Nocks and helped the larger warrior stand up.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Extending his left arm forward and helping the fallen warrior stand up solicited some applause from the gathered audience. The boy helped his opponent stand and bowed deeply to him. Then, he bowed deeply to the Elder Monks gathered before him. The boy took time also to educate himself in the matters of protocol used by civilized warriors. At the end of the spar, Master Nocks approached the boy. Night fell outside in the sleeping world. Dreams filling the heads of those who worked in the day. The boy and others who were up long hours in the day and well into the night, walked outside.

It was a warm evening in the late summer. The shrubbery and local plant-life was still wet from a previous rain-storm earlier in the week. Lorenor looked up and saw a pregnant moon her lovely bosom lighting up the world below with its unique glow. The boy nodded to the move. Somewhere, he saw an angry red star knowing that was the prison of the Dark Mother he loved so dearly.

The Lady of the Night's domain embraced them all now. Leaving the training building, the boy carefully followed Master Nock's much larger presence. He eyed the man for a moment. The man was a large sapien as far as they went, he guessed the man at having some sort of Salvar origin, atop his head was a long flowing silver main, he donned a fu-man-chu at his chin long and flowing, his eyes were a piercing grey, sort of like a chain of storm clouds, and his face had intense depth to it. It fit the apparent age of the old man. He'd become friends with Nocks over time. At first, the boy thought Nocks had it in for him. But once the boy started to overcome his personal weaknesses, Nocks took a liking to the apparent hard-worker.

Standing side by side, the boy and the Monk walked through the emerging town of the Gol'Bron. Nocks said previously that he wanted to speak to the boy about some special matter so the lad was curious. Still, he allowed the older man to gather his thoughts at this point. He knew better than to pry in the Monk's personal matters. After about ten minutes of walking into an isolated clearing with some benches in it, the Monk sat down and motioned for the boy to sit there next to him. He did so without question.

"There is something I want to discuss with you. You've done a fine job with your training Lorenor." Nocks began. "I see now the strength that Ranger Nailo saw in you. I was blind to it before and for that you'll have to forgive me." The boy nodded. "Everything that you've worked so hard for you've earned of your own free will. There is a matter I want to discuss with you and you have to promise not to mention it to no-one do you understand? Can you keep a secret Lorenor?"

The boy pondered this seeing a serious expression fall across the man's face.

"Yes, my Master." The boy responded.

"Good. Long ago, a certain individual was banished from the Order. A man calling himself Nenkulor Couerseux. This man was my Brother once. Before he started to use his gift for ill. You see the man was born with the gift of Prophecy. He can see into POSSIBLE Futures. This gift corrupted him and he started to use his gift for personal gain. Long ago he attempted to use you for his personal gain. We have reason to believe he has a hand in Corone attempting to become an Empire. He has a hand in all things. More of a demi-human now than a mortal, the man who was once my brother has forsaken our people's ways. Lorenor. He may attempt to contact you again and use you again." The man suddenly handed out a package and handed it to the boy. "By taking this package you are now binding yourself to the Order of the Monks of Ai'bron. Do you agree to do this Lorenor?"

"Yes I do Master." The boy said for the second time.

"Good. Take the package and look it over in your time. It contains your files from the Order of Ai'bron. It has everything we were able to find about your past incarnations. After a time you stopped using The Citadel for the obvious reason of corruption within the ranks of the Order. But Nenkulor kept on manipulating you. We have detailed information on his dosier in there too. I am going to ask you for a personal favor Lorenor. When you are strong enough to deal with him, we will need you to take him out. Do you agree to this?"

The young assassin thought carefully about what was being asked of him.

"I do agree my Master." He said for the third time.

"Very well, that's three times you promised to keep the oath." And suddenly, the Monk smacked Lorenor hard across the face permanently scarring his cheek. "That is so you never forget your induction into the Order."

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Lorenor wondered why the master asked him such a thing. His hand instinctively went towards his face where the Master hit him. He nodded though his acceptance of whatever task that the man handed to him. He even accepted the pain associated with it. Taking his hand away from the bruise that most surely might scar up on his face, the lad awaited the next part of his Master's instructions. Nocks went on.

"Nenkulor is a man that our Order has been keeping our eyes on for a long while. His activities are very dangerous to the well being of Althanas. It has come to our attention that he is attempting to bring about a very dark future. One of many possible time-lines that haven't yet quite come to pass. Scrying is a very dangerous art. It is one of those things that allows one to cheat fate. As such it has been decreed a Forbidden Art by the Corone Government. The Order thinks that this should not be the case since Prophets exist in Corone all the time and do well for themselves, using their gifts for the betterment of mankind. However, sometimes, prophets go bad like Nenkulor. Except he is the worst of the worst."

"He's been manipulating events so that he gains his own personal favor. That's what we've been finding out. Like I said there is a possible future he is attempting to bring about. I would never ask you to attempt to destroy such a wicked Devil because you've become a son to me Lorenor. Instead, I want you to keep an eye on him for me. There will come a time when he comes calling you. Listen to the Siren's Song as they say. But report back the intelligence you find out to us so we can monitor his activities. Do you understand?"

The boy nodded. At that point, Nocks handed Nenkulor the package.

"In that package is the means to spy on our enemy. Also, it is a detailed dosier on him and what to expect. He has information on you Lorenor that no other individual has. He's been collecting it since his days as a Monk of the Order for his own personal amusement we believe. He has gone to great lengths to secure information about you Lorenor this much we know for sure. Within the Order there are servants who follow him at the risk of their lives! This traitor must be stopped."

The boy took the package in his hand, it weighed quite a bit more than its size lead on. The boy held it under his arm still listening.

Nocks went quiet at that point as if collecting himself.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

the boy ingested everything he'd just been told. In one moment he'd learned things about his past he'd never learned before. The information the Monks had access to was thorough and there could be no arguing. The boy understood the nature of the truth behind the words Nocks spoke. There was no need to doubt him. The Monks quoted from their own carefully collected records. They had the largest information data-base anywhere on the world of Althanas.

The boy thought how easy it must be to become corruptible at that point. When one had access to all of the warriors on Althanas. Looking up to the Corone sky for a moment The Boy thought about his cave wilderness of Haidia. He missed it sorely now. Things were much simpler back then, all he had to do was survive on a nightly bases. NOW however, he was forced to take on the Power Group's various issues, the Gol'bron.

A part of him regretted joining the group of warriors but he knew it was for the better in its own ways. Alone, he could only do so much. A cold wind blew as the two of them sat there for a long time the other waiting to say something.

Lorenor sighed and broke the silence first.

"I agree to what you're saying but I feel like there is something else you want to tell me Master Nocks." The boy asked.

The older Monk responded after another five minutes passed.

"There is something. I want you to make a trip into Haidia for me. There is an object we require."

[Mutant_Lorenor]

At the thought of returning to Haidia for a mission once more, the boy practically lit up at the opportunity. A formal request from the Monks of the Order meant he might be outfitted well for the mission. It also meant a certain level of danger to his person. The Haidia wild was never to be taken lightly even by one as experienced as he. In the under-world certain threats lurked native only to those vast caverns. Somewhere in those caverns awaited The Endless. The boy looked up at the flaming red star he knew to be N'Jal's prison and gave the Dark Mother a subtle prayer of thanks for such good fortunes.

"The instructions are in the package. You are to go at once after you've taken a trip ot the Armory. I filled in a special order for you just for this trip."

********************

Standing in front of the Gol'bron's growing armory, the boy nodded to the men, already familiar with the young immortal from a previous visit. A man handed the boy a series of packages. One again, the youth went into a nearby changing room and put the new equipment on. Exactly like his leather outfit, Lorenor saw a note that said Plynt. The boy immediately understood that for the Gol'Bron operation better equipment was needed. He put on the new pieces of equipment feeling how light-weight the Plynt material was when it was laced into the leather fabric. His shirt also had Plynt inside of it. Already wielding a steel long-sword, they added a Plynt short-sword ot his growing collection of weapons. The boy was already familiar with the weapons from his training.

The boy took a few practice swings with the short-sword in his hand and felt the light-weight treatment once more. They apparently respected the fact of his small size and tried to fashion for him equipment that might be useful for a more stealthy warrior. The leather jacket and his cloak were placed back on his person and he was ready to go. Taking the rest of his things with him, he put the outfit back into storage for another night.

The boy made his way outside the new armory complex. Not quite as potent as the original Pandemonium's Fist, this new emerging building served adequately enough. The basic purpose of arming the Gol'bron's Black Hand warriors and even many of the Red Hand ones. With a more defined purpose, the boy dual-served The Black Hand and The Red Hand. After a short journey towards The Ring, the boy stood and stared in awe at the marvelous object. With his new-found equipment and package in his hands the boy knew what he had to do. His target site was deep in the Haidia wilderness in a temple he'd ventured to for a previous job with fellow Gol'bron member Tyria.

Several agents of the Gol'bron worked at the site of The Ring. Once they saw the boy approaching though, they quickly stopped everything they were doing and moved away from The Ring. The boy moved towards The Ring nodding respectfully to the workers. His cape flowed in the wind. Out-croppings of the Concordia Forest touched Corone even this far North. Finding the sequence required to turn The Ring on, the boy smiled to himself. The Ring spun around rapidly opening the portal to Haidia. Gasps from the gathered group of workers amused the boy. They wondered the secrets of The Ring but it was through The Dark Mother's guidance that Lorenor knew. Stepping into the portal, the boy braced himself for the process of transforming into atoms.

Meanwhile, a third party watched from the distance smiling at the boy's progress.

[Letho]

General Notes: I’ll comment mostly on the spoils here because I believe the rubric will cover the rest. I have to admit that I was pretty surprised with amount requested, and though I haven’t scored the quest yet, I have a pretty good idea that I won’t allow it. To receive 5,000 GP on top of other spoils is simply unrealistic. For something like that, you’d have to write an extensive story that would reflect your effort in both the quality of the writing and the eventual score. This one, sadly, doesn’t meet those requirements. But let us see what was wrong with it.


CONTINUITY – 4

There’s a question that I haven’t found an answer to regardless of how much I tried. What are The Endless? You mention them (or it) so many times in your quest, and yet I knew pretty much nothing about them until post #8 where you present them as this sentient oily matter. And to my surprise, when I checked your profile, I found no data on these Endless either. You based a lot of this quest on these Endless. When you do that, it’s absolutely imperative that you tie up loose ends and give all the necessary info to the reader. Very few people who read quests on Althanas know the entire history of the character they are reading about. That’s why every thread should be story of its own. Now, I’m not saying that you must put every tiny bit of story into a perfect context, but the information important to the story should never be missing. The prologue didn’t help much either. It mostly spoke of Golems who had absolutely no role in this quest. Try focusing on the gist of the story and not going too broad with the needless info while forgetting of the important stuff.

SETTING – 3

I think your setting suffers because of the way your write. You sentences are very choppy and basic, which makes it almost impossible to make imaginative setting. Most of the time you described your surroundings in only short lines that barely gave an outline to it. If you don’t know what I mean exactly, re-read the part where Lorenor enters Haidia. There was exactly one specific thing about the region that you mentioned (the weird algae instead of the grass) and everything else was just boy going through the wilderness in one paragraph and reaching a temple. Stop, look around, take in the setting and then let it out slowly.

PACING – 4

Here’s the biggest problem with your pacing: you don’t pay enough attention to the important occurrences in your quest. You spend five or six posts on preparing for departure, and you barely spend a pair of paragraphs on Lorenor’s return to the Gol’Bron HQ. And when something really surprising happens – like when that bracer bit of a chunk of his hand – you mention it in the same manner most would when their characters get bitten by a mosquito. The secret to a good pace is to know when to hasten the story over the insignificant parts and slow it down on the ones that really matter, the ones that shape the story and the characters within them. That means that conclusions should be as extensive as the intros.

DIALOGUE – 5

This was done fairly well, though it was mostly Nocks speaking and Lorenor agreeing to whatever was said, which amounted to about four lines in total. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not a lot to comment on either. Next time I’d appreciate if Lorenor wasn’t just playing the role of an obedient puppet. I mean, from what I read from his profile, he’s not a very nice person, especially with that Super Ego trait.

ACTION – 5

Once I set aside all the vagueness and look hard enough, I could say that most of the actions seemed rather justified. Monks sending Lorenor to retrieve the item because he can handle The Endless, The Endless deciding that he’s of more use to them alive as an ally then a dead enemy. The problem here was lack of content. This entire story can be surmised to three segments: Lorenor displays his prowess, Monks see it and send him on a mission, he walks into a temple and gets the item from the Endless. Not a lot of action going on there.

PERSONA – 2

I’m sad to say that this was by far your worst aspect here. Lorenor acts as is he has no feelings whatsoever, no thoughts, no opinions, nothing. I understand that he’s not human, be he still operates in a similar manner. He has thoughts. When something strikes him, it hurts. When he accepts a mission that could possibly cost him his life, he should do more then just nod his head. You have a lot of work to do here. Try thinking how you would feel in his shoes in any given moment, and then try conveying that to the reader.

MECHANICS – 5

You have some recurring problems with commas. Sometimes you don’t use them when you should (“Can you keep a secret Lorenor?" There should be a comma before “Lorenor”) and sometimes you use them when you shouldn’t (“...the boy knew how to switch from defensive mode, to aggressive mode.” No comma here). Also, you sometimes break paragraphs and entire posts at odd places. Take a gander at post #6. That first two paragraphs should’ve been a part of the previous post. Also, check post #3, first and second paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph, your narrative switches from Nocks-Lorenor interaction to a description of the night that should be a part of the following paragraph. Typos were also noticeable here and there, two or three per post on average.

TECHNIQUE – 4

There is something that struck me from the very first sentence. And I do mean, from the very first sentence. I’ll quote it: “It all began with The Endless and will end with them.” Now, maybe it’s just coincidence, but in the movie Blade: Trinity, the narrator says: “(The truth is) It all began with Blade and will end with him.”. Furthermore, “Prime Directive” sound very much like the directive from Star Trek. And the Endless themselves remind me of the oily badguy entity in the movie “Phantoms”. Now, I’m not necessarily saying you borrowed these, but it does make them seem a tad unoriginal.

On a further note, you should be very watchful of repetitiveness. When you repeat the same adverb in two consecutive sentences, or when you refer to Lorenor as “the boy” ten times in a single post, it doesn’t help. Try varying more, using alternate words that mean the same thing.

CLARITY – 6

For the most part, there was little problem here, mostly due to the large number of shorter sentences. There wasn’t much content, but what there was, it was pretty clear.

WILD CARD – 5

Nothing outstanding to mention over here. It was a decent effort, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. But then again, that goes for all of us.


TOTAL SCORE – 43


Congratulations!



SPOILS:
Mutant_Lorenor gets 600 EXP and 500 GP. He also gets his spoils with one minor edit. The Bracer of the Aegis can block two low-impact hits or one medium-impact hit before it shatters. It can be used three times a night, but not in a rapid succession.


EXP/GP added!