Mystery of The Endless. ((Solo Quest))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

****Epilogue****

Nocks awaited the boy knowing full well it might take him a long time to return from Haidia. On the eve of Lorenor's return, the Monk had a dream given to him by the grace of Khal'Jaren's blessings. Though Nocks didn't particularly believe in the Thaynes, he wasn't a fool in the sense of distrusting a blessing potentially sent by them. When he saw the boy's approach with a newly found confident stride, the Monk wondered what happened in Haidia. Deciding it a better matter not to question the boy about it, when he saw the new bracer he understood. He'd found the temple and successfully recovered the artifact he sought. The boy walked over to Nocks and the Monk stood up nodding towards his Apprentice carefully.

The boy handed him the package and the plan was in place now. Nocks had a separate reward for the boy and handed it to him as small crate. The boy nodded at that point and moved towards his personal resting quarters. It seemed by instinct that the boy was able to avoid day-light hours and the Monk always admired that about him. Animals were always strange to the Monk. Sitting in his room, the boy opened his crate and saw a hefty reward of gold on top of the gold he received in the Temple. And so, the boy laid down and prepared himself to become a great asset to the Gol'bron. Soon, the small warrior might prove himself worthy to become a black-smith, his chosen profession. But first, the Monks of Ai'brone tested him with their trials.

******Spoils********

001--5,000Gold.

002--Bracer of the Aegis. An archaic artifact, this device attaches itself to the host and BECOMES the host's new hand. Basically, it generates a shield of energy in front of the small warrior approximately one foot away from his person. It can only function in one direction at this point in time. Also, the shield currently only blocks low-impact hits and shatters quickly. In this fashion, the boy can summon the shield five times a night.

003--Amulet of Purification. Simply stated, it purifies tainted blood. Can be used once per thread.

004--The Endless Upgrade. (Available after level 2) V'halkulus spawned off a new Endless. This Endless is currently in infant stage and completely useless to Lorenor. Right now, the boy is guided by The Endless and able to listen to the call of the Collective. So far, the boy has found two separate Collectives of the Endless with more probably lurking in Haidia. V'halkulus has reached Chrysalis stage and is currently in the process of becoming a Mature life-form. As a recent spawn, Aggressor only talks to Lorenor, it does not yet have a name it revealed to the boy. Eventually, Aggressor might mutate into a potentially deadly weapon. Currently, V'halkulus (Protector) is maturing into it's mature form and eventually an adult form. Upon adult form, its final state might be revealed and the boy can access this later on his career. Eventually both of The Endless will work together to protect the youth but for now, they simply advise him. During the maturation state of Protector, the armor is equivalent to Iron. Lorenor still can't command the armor to manifest itself at will but will one day be able to.

[Letho]

General Notes: I’ll comment mostly on the spoils here because I believe the rubric will cover the rest. I have to admit that I was pretty surprised with amount requested, and though I haven’t scored the quest yet, I have a pretty good idea that I won’t allow it. To receive 5,000 GP on top of other spoils is simply unrealistic. For something like that, you’d have to write an extensive story that would reflect your effort in both the quality of the writing and the eventual score. This one, sadly, doesn’t meet those requirements. But let us see what was wrong with it.


CONTINUITY – 4

There’s a question that I haven’t found an answer to regardless of how much I tried. What are The Endless? You mention them (or it) so many times in your quest, and yet I knew pretty much nothing about them until post #8 where you present them as this sentient oily matter. And to my surprise, when I checked your profile, I found no data on these Endless either. You based a lot of this quest on these Endless. When you do that, it’s absolutely imperative that you tie up loose ends and give all the necessary info to the reader. Very few people who read quests on Althanas know the entire history of the character they are reading about. That’s why every thread should be story of its own. Now, I’m not saying that you must put every tiny bit of story into a perfect context, but the information important to the story should never be missing. The prologue didn’t help much either. It mostly spoke of Golems who had absolutely no role in this quest. Try focusing on the gist of the story and not going too broad with the needless info while forgetting of the important stuff.

SETTING – 3

I think your setting suffers because of the way your write. You sentences are very choppy and basic, which makes it almost impossible to make imaginative setting. Most of the time you described your surroundings in only short lines that barely gave an outline to it. If you don’t know what I mean exactly, re-read the part where Lorenor enters Haidia. There was exactly one specific thing about the region that you mentioned (the weird algae instead of the grass) and everything else was just boy going through the wilderness in one paragraph and reaching a temple. Stop, look around, take in the setting and then let it out slowly.

PACING – 4

Here’s the biggest problem with your pacing: you don’t pay enough attention to the important occurrences in your quest. You spend five or six posts on preparing for departure, and you barely spend a pair of paragraphs on Lorenor’s return to the Gol’Bron HQ. And when something really surprising happens – like when that bracer bit of a chunk of his hand – you mention it in the same manner most would when their characters get bitten by a mosquito. The secret to a good pace is to know when to hasten the story over the insignificant parts and slow it down on the ones that really matter, the ones that shape the story and the characters within them. That means that conclusions should be as extensive as the intros.

DIALOGUE – 5

This was done fairly well, though it was mostly Nocks speaking and Lorenor agreeing to whatever was said, which amounted to about four lines in total. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not a lot to comment on either. Next time I’d appreciate if Lorenor wasn’t just playing the role of an obedient puppet. I mean, from what I read from his profile, he’s not a very nice person, especially with that Super Ego trait.

ACTION – 5

Once I set aside all the vagueness and look hard enough, I could say that most of the actions seemed rather justified. Monks sending Lorenor to retrieve the item because he can handle The Endless, The Endless deciding that he’s of more use to them alive as an ally then a dead enemy. The problem here was lack of content. This entire story can be surmised to three segments: Lorenor displays his prowess, Monks see it and send him on a mission, he walks into a temple and gets the item from the Endless. Not a lot of action going on there.

PERSONA – 2

I’m sad to say that this was by far your worst aspect here. Lorenor acts as is he has no feelings whatsoever, no thoughts, no opinions, nothing. I understand that he’s not human, be he still operates in a similar manner. He has thoughts. When something strikes him, it hurts. When he accepts a mission that could possibly cost him his life, he should do more then just nod his head. You have a lot of work to do here. Try thinking how you would feel in his shoes in any given moment, and then try conveying that to the reader.

MECHANICS – 5

You have some recurring problems with commas. Sometimes you don’t use them when you should (“Can you keep a secret Lorenor?" There should be a comma before “Lorenor”) and sometimes you use them when you shouldn’t (“...the boy knew how to switch from defensive mode, to aggressive mode.” No comma here). Also, you sometimes break paragraphs and entire posts at odd places. Take a gander at post #6. That first two paragraphs should’ve been a part of the previous post. Also, check post #3, first and second paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph, your narrative switches from Nocks-Lorenor interaction to a description of the night that should be a part of the following paragraph. Typos were also noticeable here and there, two or three per post on average.

TECHNIQUE – 4

There is something that struck me from the very first sentence. And I do mean, from the very first sentence. I’ll quote it: “It all began with The Endless and will end with them.” Now, maybe it’s just coincidence, but in the movie Blade: Trinity, the narrator says: “(The truth is) It all began with Blade and will end with him.”. Furthermore, “Prime Directive” sound very much like the directive from Star Trek. And the Endless themselves remind me of the oily badguy entity in the movie “Phantoms”. Now, I’m not necessarily saying you borrowed these, but it does make them seem a tad unoriginal.

On a further note, you should be very watchful of repetitiveness. When you repeat the same adverb in two consecutive sentences, or when you refer to Lorenor as “the boy” ten times in a single post, it doesn’t help. Try varying more, using alternate words that mean the same thing.

CLARITY – 6

For the most part, there was little problem here, mostly due to the large number of shorter sentences. There wasn’t much content, but what there was, it was pretty clear.

WILD CARD – 5

Nothing outstanding to mention over here. It was a decent effort, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. But then again, that goes for all of us.


TOTAL SCORE – 43


Congratulations!



SPOILS:
Mutant_Lorenor gets 600 EXP and 500 GP. He also gets his spoils with one minor edit. The Bracer of the Aegis can block two low-impact hits or one medium-impact hit before it shatters. It can be used three times a night, but not in a rapid succession.


EXP/GP added!