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Thread: The Lords of the Night.

  1. #41
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
    Level completed: 60%, EXP required for next level: 4,886
    Level completed: 60%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,886
    GP
    8423
    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    Chris had survived as well, but he was even less welcome to the thought of company than Elijah had been. It wasn’t homesickness, seeing as he was mere short weeks from his town. It wasn’t that he scorned the victory either, or that he was bitter for having fought for strangers. By all rights, doing such a noble deed should have made him feel good, and it did. He was happy for the town. He wasn’t the dark, quiet, brooding type. He’d always enjoyed the company of others.

    So why this solitude?

    The weary chef sighed. As much as he might deny it, Chris liked being the hero, but little had gone right that night. He had considered himself a potent individual and had admittedly gotten used to seeing others in awe of just a fraction of his power. Even Elijah, who had been harder to impress, respected the chef’s abilities. Here, though, even his best wasn’t good enough. Fire was the weakness of Vampires, yet even every ounce of energy he had wasn’t enough to vanquish the beast.

    To be fair, he’d always been well aware that there were many forces out there in the world that were mightier than he was. However, knowing that and actually being thrown in the middle of it are two very different things. It was a humbling experience, as well as frightening. It was easy for him to think about sinister villains and beasts of unbelievable power from the depths of the hells when he could simply pretend that they were in some far away land, not right in his backyard.

    “The more power you have, the more power you see,” Chris muttered to himself. He gazed at the starry sky. The thick blanket of clouds had drifted away like a film of smoke hiding the stubborn light of a thousand candles. Each star was small enough to pluck from the sky, and just one of them had more power than the entire world. He sighed. “The more power you see, the more you crave.” But where would he get that much more power? It was a question that he already knew that answer to. But could he go through with it? Once again, he already knew the answer. First, though, he would need to make an appearance at the Inn lest the others get suspicious. In a few more hours, the sun would be rising.

    * * * * *

    The cold Salvic wind swept across edges of the forest and through Malachi’s black hair, stinging his ears and nose painfully. On the bright side, at least he was still alive to feel it. That in and of itself would baffle him for the rest of his life. By all rights, he should have died. His chest cavity should have been smashed to dust like dried clay. The gods must have had plans for him. Why, if he hadn’t somehow risen again, that chef would have been killed; the vampire would have survived, the villager assault would have been crushed, and Xem’zûnd would still have had an agent within Salvar.

    Malachi stopped sharply as he heard faint shuffling sound to his right. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow dart from one tree to another. The priest cleared his throat.

    “The lords of the night fear the dawn,” he called. A few moments of silence followed before the shadowy figure emerged from the night. “Good evening, brother Borris. It’s good to see a friendly face lurking in the shadows for once.”

    “Well met, Malachi,” replied Borris, stepping into the moonlight. He was a graying old man, his face so heavily lined and scarred that it could have been carved from granite. His sky blue eyes were stern and distant. “But I was beginning to think that you’d had so much to drink that you didn’t notice me.” Malachi laughed and gripped the old man’s hand firmly.

    “It’s good to see you, old friend,” said the young priest.

    Borris nodded. “Aye, likewise. Now, for the business at hand.”

    “The mission was successful,” Malachi replied. “My agents reported that he was definitely an agent of Xem’zûnd. Fortunately, Kincaid was vanquished and his tower purged.” His expression turned slightly grim. “Despite the fact that I almost died.” The old man’s eyes darted to the priest instantly.

    “What? How?” he asked with a certain air of urgency. Malachi sighed and shrugged.

    “That’s the strange part. I was fighting with the vampire, and he grabbed my staff from my hands and smashed it over my chest.” Borris tilted his head inquisitively. “The staff broke, Borris. I felt my chest shatter and collapse. Yet, less than twenty minutes later, I stood back up without a scratch or bruise on me.” He smiled softly. It was a smile that held an emotion very rare in such times: hope. “For whatever reason, that Gods must favor me. They must have a plan for me.” The older man sighed and shook his head.

    “I’m afraid it’s not quite that simple,” he stated. Malachi raised an eyebrow, his optimism and hope starting to crumble in moments. “You are too important to the Church for us to allow you to die so easily.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “How old were you when you were rescued by the Ethereal Sway priests?” he asked.

    “Five years old,” replied the young priest.

    “Well, any other time we would have just taken you in and given you food and shelter, instead of inducting you into the Order. However, one of our eldest priests was on his deathbed and we needed someone to take his place as a seal-bearer. We chose you and began your preparation, part of which involved a dangerous enchantment designed to save your life. If what you said is true, then the enchantment has been used up at the worst possible time, with the civil war raging as it is. In fact, the time may come when we’re ordered to sneak all of the seal-bearers to Alerar to keep them safe.” A long silence stretched on for what seemed like hours. Only the wind remained, whispering doubt and fear into Malachi’s ear.

    “So I’m one of these seal-bearers?” he asked at last. Brother Borris nodded. “But what, exactly, is being sealed away?” A trace of fear entered the old man’s hardened eyes like a vessel in foreign waters.

    “It would suffice to say that Xem’zûnd’s war in Raiaera is the least of our worries.”

    * * * * *

    Where is it? He knew it was there; he could feel it.

    Chris dug, almost frantically, through the endless heap of ashes and charred human remains that choked the dark ravine behind what was left of Kincaid’s tower. His white chef coat was caked with black. He would need to dispose of it and use his spare one until he got home, lest anything get suspicious. Chris couldn’t believe that he was doing this. He was digging through a giant crematorium. The smell was atrocious; it made him gag every few seconds. It would all be worth it soon enough.

    It would need to be very soon, though. The first traces of morning light were kissing the purple horizon. It would be morning soon and Chris would need to be back at the inn before the others started to wake up.

    I know it’s here…

    “Ha!” he shouted as his hand closed around the familiar hilt to the magical sword. Immediately, coils of cold energy slithered up his arm, causing him to moan softly. A grin formed on his face as he climbed out of the ravine, mystical blade firmly in his grasp. And somewhere within the darkest pits of the abyss, a dark god laughed.

    Out of Character:

    Spoil request: The Vampire's sword. It is a masterwork Prevalida longsword. It is covered with arcane runes and glyphs, though only one of them -- the one that feeds magical energy into its wielder -- is active. It also has a dark curse that will haunt Chris for a long time.
    Last edited by Christoph; 01-09-08 at 01:36 PM. Reason: I forgot to put my spoil request at the end.

  2. #42
    Do you know my name?
    EXP: 38,033, Level: 7
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 5,967
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 5,967
    GP
    10903
    Call me J's Avatar

    Name
    Jame Whitizard-Kaosi
    Age
    lets say 23
    Race
    Half Dragon
    Gender
    male
    Hair Color
    Silver
    Eye Color
    Red
    Build
    6'5" medium build
    Job
    Knight

    I liked this thread a lot, but I didn’t love it. It seemed in many cases that all three of you have got your writing down to the point where you could turn in a 80+ score, but in practically every category there was something that stopped you from getting it. I’m not sure if this is your first time working in a thread this long and involved, but I did get that feeling, because it felt as though you made a lot of “rookie” mistakes even though none of you should really be considered “rookies” on the site any more. Anyhow, my comments may seem overly critical, but that is only because I’d really like to see all three of you turn in better quests in the future. There was absolutely nothing here that was bad, just many things that can be improved.

    Total Score- 72.5

    • STORY ~ 19/30

    Continuity (7) ~ If I were to ever make a judging based on one post, Christoph’s conclusion to this thread would be worth a 10 for continuity. I really liked the sense of foreboding it gave me. However, the beginning of the quest would have scored considerably less, while Salvar is both Chris’ and Elijah’s homeland, that, in and of itself, does not tell me why they are there. Even though Chiroptera’s “traveling” rationale was not particularly creative, it worked, because it made Eltarri seem more real because she didn’t come out of the blue.

    Setting (6) ~ There are two things that will help you get a very high setting score. First, I need to know what the setting is that the characters perceive, and second, I need to know how they interact with it. In the first category, you guys did more than a fair job. I really got a good sense of where you were at all times, and you incorporated many aspects of geography into your posts, but at the same time, I don’t think you did nearly as good job on the second of these two categories. The setting was described, and then mostly ignored, with a few limited exceptions. This is not just an issue of battle strategy, when you have a fire, if your characters are in Salvar and cold, why not have them warm their hands by it? Stuff like that helps bring the setting to life.

    Pacing (6) ~ I really feel like the entire first fight in this thread was perfunctory. Outside of the beginning, the thread was paced really well, but it seemed that you guys had a bit of trouble getting started. More coordination could have helped you, either via PMs or just by having a much shorter initial altercation.

    • CHARACTER ~ 21.5/30

    Dialogue (7.5) ~ I feel that all three of you struggle sometimes with the issue of “cool dialogue” in a different way than most of the people I see. You seem so interested in making cool dialogue sometimes, I don’t know if it really is the most character and time appropriate dialogue. Keep in mind, you’re not getting graded here on how many witty quips you have, unless the situation calls for witty quips. There were a few times where I even felt the dialogue detracted from what you were trying to do in the rest of your posts. Elijah, you were the worst offender here, but in your defense, many times the dialogue helped get persona across.

    Action (7) ~ There are two types of action that are leave impressions. The first are the good kind, where a player does something so creative that it impresses the reader. The second is the bad kind where the player does something so stupid it annoys the reader. This thread really had neither of these.

    Persona (7) ~ I really felt like Chris came off as a bit flat in the early going, I’m not sure if this was because there were so many important NPCs and this was such an involved thread that it took a while for him to be really introduced, but I really felt as though I had to cobble together an impression of him as the thread goes on. This is somewhat problematic, because while even though I leave the thread with as much knowledge of the character as I might have had otherwise, I’m trying to learn about the character at a time when I’m supposed to already like him.

    As for Chiroptera, Eltarri did not come across as particularly interesting or unique. I’m not sure if this is because you haven’t developed a deeper understanding of who your character is, or this thread didn’t allow you the same opportunities for character growth it really did for Elijah or Chris. If it’s the former, I think you should think long and hard about what makes Eltarri unique, aside from her rather unique lineage and facetious personality. You by no means did a bad job here, but like I said, I’m giving you the tips that will get you the really high scores.

    Elijah, I think you need to work on more devices for character portrayal than just dialogue. Don’t get me wrong, you use dialogue very well, but it seems like you have to use it even in situations when it’s inappropriate because it’s the only way Elijah doesn’t seem generic. Please also see my notes in Clarity.

    • WRITING STYLE ~ 24/30

    Mechanics (10) ~ I follow the see no evil rule here. I saw nothing wrong, so I’m going to assume there was nothing wrong.

    Technique (7) ~ I’m not sure how much I like the writing style used by Elijah, there is way too much use of slang for my tastes, considering that this is Althanas. I’m probably somewhat of a hypocrite for suggesting this, considering I have a character whose dialogue is inspired by the speech patterns of the Bromley Contingent, but I really feel like you rely too much on contemporary American colloquialisms.

    Clarity (7) ~ I had no problems, outside of the occasional brevity issue with anyone but Elijah. Sometimes, it was a bit hard to figure out what was going on when everything was taking place within the character’s head, especially with the use of “imaginary” for Nadia, when something akin to “secondary personality” is more accurate.

    • Wild Card (7) ~ This was a very nice quest. I feel that you all have a lot to be proud of here.

    Spoils

    Christoph receives 5304 EXP and his spoil.
    Elijah_Morendale receives 3418 EXP and 754 GP
    Chiroptera receives 4342 EXP and 754 GP
    Last edited by Call me J; 01-11-08 at 07:19 PM.

  3. #43
    Memento Mori
    EXP: 53,567, Level: 9
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 433
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 433
    GP
    7,248
    Witchblade's Avatar

    Name
    Witchblade
    Age
    Unknown
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black, like her soul
    Eye Color
    Crimson
    Build
    5'9 / 130lbs
    Job
    Murderer

    EXP and GP added!

    Christoph is level 4, Chiroptera is level 3, Elijah is level 2!


    Everyone levels up!
    Do you ever Feel like a Monster?

    Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead

    Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
    Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
    Pray for The Heart I Once Had
    Then grant A Rose For The Dead'

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