(12) Broken Effigies v (13) Kitty Pimps

[Wrath]

That morning was cold and bitter.

“Are you ready?” Wrath asked despondently, leaning against a balance beam.

For the third time Sloth checked to make sure that his gauntlets fit correctly, every hook in place, sufficient dexterity of the fingers, and fingertips sharpened to match an eagle’s talon. The steel was cool against his skin. His linen pants were aptly supported with suspenders, no need to worry about tripping and falling flat on his face with his pants down for what would be the most embarrassing moment of his life, as well as his last. At his back, he could feel the weight of a sickle in its leather casing.

Wrath had her sword and that was all she ever needed.

When he was certain that everything was in order, he dug his claws into the polished surface of the beam and he sat there, near Wrath, with his feet dangling inches away from the dirty, smoke colored matt beneath them as his eyes wandered about the room.

“If you really want to go through with this…” Wrath discontinued, looking for advice to give but she had already told him to turn back again and again. “Then you're a fool,” she finally sighed.

"Yeah," Sloth said. "I get that a lot."

"Try not to die," she said.

She was still with her arms crossed against her breast beneath the black of her pelerine. Her fox green eyes were solemn and fixed. Death was on her mind and when death is on her mind there is no room for much else. Her actions last night were still fresh in her mind. Sloth had never seen her kill. She took no pleasure in it and no regret. Before the final strike there is always a thrill: anger, excitement, or deep sorrow. And then there is nothing. Nothing but death.

Would he crave more and live up to Envy‘s standards? Would he despair? She could leave him in Lornius then. He’d manage on his own. Bringing him back would only mean his death. Would he refuse to remain behind? Would she kill him then and save him from the torment of the others? Whatever she’s going to do, she’ll find out soon enough.

[Sloth]

An empty stare, and she was losing herself somewhere. This had always been her disposition before premeditated battles. Sloth had always wondered why. All he ever got was butterflies in his stomach and a cold sweat that was already developing underneath his sweater and inside his gauntlets. He’d ask her what it was that made her feel this way, but she seemed disconsolate and he was nervous.

When Sloth had heard that his first round, fearfully his last, would take place behind closed doors he sighed relief. He didn’t very much like the idea of having strange eyes upon him: cheering, booing, judging as he fought and bled, and died. The setting was odd enough, filled with bars and things he could not easily recognize or name such as: a pommel horse, a vault, balance beams by the row, sets of still rings that hung low from the high ceiling, horizontal bars behind the uneven bars behind the parallel bars behind more bars. There were too many bars, he thought, and not enough room to fight.

It was noon and the clouds that were blocking out the sun had moved on to distant skies. A blinding white light filled the gymnasium then from the massive windows up on high and it hurt to be awake. Long shadows were cast across the matted floor, long coextending stripes that resembled the shadows of dungeons. Sloth winced away from the light. Wrath didn’t seem at all bothered by it, unblinking and stoic, her fair skin glowing.

They should be here at any moment. The Kitty Pimps, their first set of opponents. Who they were and what they were, neither of them knew. They didn’t know a whole lot about the other teams either, save for what they’ve heard in stories that sounded awfully like fairytales when they went to register themselves as The Broken Effigies, a name that was their own. He thought it fit them quite well, although it may have been a tad bit depressing.

The Broken Effigies had come from a world away, an isolated and self-sustaining continent on the far side of Althanas. So it came as no surprise that no one knew their names in turn, real or epithets.

Sloth had adjusted his eyes to the brilliance of the afternoon. The Laughing Effigies were playing a distant tune in the back of his mind. The bubbling anticipation fizzed into nothing and he was abnormally calm for the situation. The battle seemed like worlds away.

"Are you ready?" Sloth asked.

"What?" Wrath asked, puzzled.

"That's what you ask when you're not ready," he said.

"Yeah," she breathed. "I guess so. Don't ask again."

Then there was silence between them. There was nothing to do now but wait for the killing to start.

((Consider this prelude to a battle my conclusion. I tried to make it sound all conclusiony but if my opponents do show up at the arena than ignore this.))

[Max Dirks]

For years I've preached that stories are possible in battles. I've also preached that stories can come together to create quality battles. However I think it would have been beneficial, especially in a tournament where sometimes battling activity is more difficult than battling opponents, to speed along the start of the battle. Writing fuels writing. If you are in an intense part of a story, the only thing you can think of is continuing it. With that in mind, Sloth's problem was consistency and the Kitty Pimp's problem was unnecessary repetition. It's hard to enter this tournament without a partner, Sloth. You have twice the work, and it showed with inconsistent transitions and confusion among speakers in the beginning. The Kitty Pimps were entertaining, and their interaction was believable. However, it seemed like antics were repeated and did not contribute to the story. The first time Jon tried to get into Abbie's pants would have done plenty to describe his character.

Judgment (modified slightly)

Winners: The Kitty Pimps

Broken Effigies
Introduction- 6 (Your introduction as Venn was superior. Wrath's introduction was plagued by inconsistencies and confusion. The use of the pronoun "it" was confused with the sword on one line)
Setting- 5 (Your arrival method was wonderful, I could feel the carriage)
Strategy- 2
Dialouge- 4 (This was one of your weaker points. Unfortunately I've judged your battles in the past and generally you excell at dialouge. It made the characters seem dark but speech seemed forced after the introduction)
Rising Action- 4
Writing- 7 (Good writing, as always. Be careful with the pronouns. I can't imagine how much trouble Stephen King had with his clown book. Please don't use that ridiculous font though)
Character- 5 (I felt rather disappointed with my overall feelings on Venn and Wrath. "It" is a unique concept that I wish you would have explored more. I do feel, however, that even though the Kitty Pimp's "love scene" flowed better, yours was very interesting and rather unique)
Climax- 0
Conclusion- 0
Wildcard- 3 (You missed a few days. Since the Kitty Pimps missed a few days too I evened out the scores and relied purely on your stories to make my decision)
Total- 36/100 (Note this is a weighted average. Sloth's score (37) was slightly higher than Wrath's (35) dialouge and character was better with Sloth)

Average Score- 36/100

Kitty Pimps-
Bohemia
Introduction- 5 (A bit too jumpy for the reader)
Setting- 4
Strategy- 2
Rising Actions- 5 (I've never heard a more vivid description of getting kicked in the nuts in my life. Bear in mind, beyond that much of what you did was repetitive. Your effort could have gotten the battle started and it could have peaked interest)
Dialouge- 6 (Your dialouge was the best. It made Jon seem like the womanizing bastard that he is. What impressed me most was the contrast in dialouge you were able to do with Abbie's character. I thought it would be giddy but you certainly proved me wrong)
Writing- 6 (One post was full of formatting issues and spelling errors. I blame alcohol)
Character- 5 (Jon is a fun character. The way you write him is stellar. You are absolutely saying the things that all men want to say but can't say themselves for some reason. Despite this, you have to take him somewhere. Jon doesn't need a lesson or need to make a 180 degree change in how he acts to acheive this. You just need to prevent reader from falling victim to the SOC (Same Old Crap) loop)
Climax- 0
Conclusion- 0
Wildcard- 2 (You disappeared in the middle and at the end)
Total- 35/100

Abbie
Introduction- 5 (Good introduction, but it was rather passive. This wouldn't be a problem necessarily, but the transition from what had happened to what is happening was a bit flaky. You used a mix of third person personal and third person narrative. A good tip around this is to remove words like "indeed" or "seemingly" and other words that pull the narration away from the character)
Setting- 4 (You set the battle, though it never happened)
Strategy- 3 (You gained an extra point here by describing the reason why you chose to use such a setting)
Rising Actions- 5 (Read my comment to Bohemia. One of the benefits of a team based tournament is that you have the ability to force your partner (and your opponents) into the battle. Essentially one person can control pace by adding a few words in a post)
Dialouge- 5 (Good, but honestly Bohemia was more believable. You have the right to yell at me if you actually wrote the dialouge and Bohemia just posted it)
Writing- 7 (You are a surprisingly good writer. I do like your action over description style, though personal preferences will not take you above Sloth or Wrath)
Character- 6 (You win here. I feel closer to Abbie than any other character, though some of it might be Bohemia's doing. This just proves how effective it is to work as a team. Sloth also benefitted from this because he was both team members)
Climax- 0
Conclusion- 0
Wildcard- 3 (You were not penalized in the middle, but you could have posted near the end)
Total-38/100

Average Score: 36.5

Rewards:
Broken Effigies receive 500 GP to be split between members.

The Kitty Pimps advance.

[Thoracis]

The Kitty Pimps gain 346 EXP each!


Rewards Added!