Ghoul versus Teddy. ((Lorenor versus Sasorick))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Almost the moment that the teddy bear leaped up into the air, Lorenor knew exactly what to expect. The fact that he'd grabbed his face didn't bother the ghoul as much as the fact that the little guy was now DISRESPECTING him in his own arena! The nerve of him! Seeing the aerial antics of the little runt, Lorenor quickly sprung into action.

Whatever moment's hesitation was soon gone as the ghoul reacted with all the agility his small frame could muster. He heard the little one reloading his damned crossbow and knew what was happening. Almost on instinct, really just to avoid getting hit by another one of those damned bolts, Lorenor swirled completely around on his heels.

Bringing John Mattis' sword up to bear, the ghoul swung at the half pint warrior almost at the exact apex of the other's leap. Lorenor intended to cut the tiny teddy bear in two even pieces knowing that such an injury wouldn't kill it. He'd be humiliated, but he certainly wouldn't die from it. Lorenor counted off the second to see if his counter strike connected with the teddy bear.

The cross bolt zinged through the air and indeed struck true. Lorenor winced in pain as yet another bruise developed on his abdomanilis region. He ignored the needle impact as best he could and just continued to work this battle until the Scara Brae Knights said it was all over. The crates underneath him were made out of particularly sturdy oak wood and thusly held against his weight. Lorenor didn't want to talk to the teddy bear after the previous insult, he simply wanted to end this battle as soon as he could.

Lorenor was tired. He was weary. Exhaustion was rearing its ugly head in the ghoul's heart and he did his best to keep going despite the terrible feeling in his gut.

[Stuffed Fury]

((Haha... I understand this is WAY over the limit in time. But I'll finish anyway. It sucks that I had to leave for 5 weeks when I was just one post away from finishing...))

"Mother fu-!!"

Ssssssling!

...

Thud, thud.

"Gah!" Sasorick exclaimed, lying on the concrete ground propped straight up... On his torso. He had been cleaved clean in half, his lower body was a couple feet in front of him, a line of fluffy stuffing in between. His cloak was sprawled out behind him, thankfully it hadn't been sliced. But his belt was still on his lower body.

"You sunnabitch!" The enraged teddy bear looked up angrily at his opponent, towering before him. He had an empty crossbow in hid hand, which he rose up and pulled the trigger fruitlessly.

"No fair! He's bigger than me! Grrrrrr..." He scrambled with one arm onto his stomach, ignoring the beast before him now. He was pissed, he didn't care anymore. With one arm he crawled over to the mutant's injured foot quickly and jabbed the end of his crossbow on the boot, trying in vain to get results. He wouldn't lose his first Pagoda battle no matter what! But sadly, after a couple of strikes a hand reached around his severed body and hoisted him up.

"What?! No! This isn't over!" He tried to wildly flail his one arm to loosen Norris's grip but it was like iron. The Scara Brae knight scooped up the rest of the pieces of Sasorick and looked at the mutant.

"Well, it seems to me that you'd be the victor. Congrats." He nodded and turned towards the door they came in.

"No! He hasn't one! As long as I can move the fight still lives!" Sasorick began to try and reach for his lower body where his quarrels were with his one hand, still clutching his crossbow, but it was too far away.

"Sasorick, stop. You can try again when you're all sewn up again."

The teddy bear sighed...

"I wonder what Roderick is going to think of this..." The ranger thought quietly to himself, fully limp in Norris's hand as they walked through the dim hallway back into the main part of the Pagoda, his booted feet clicking on the concrete ground with each step.

"He'll probably make me sleep in the boot again if he has to repair me all over again, even with stuffing. Sheeeesh..."

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Lorenor was tired. Exhaustion crept up in his stomach as he fell down to the ground, his sword clanking on the floor. That little bastard was a real hard ass. I have to give it to him. The nearby Knights looked at the Pagoda Warrior and moved to treat his injuries, there were quite a few minor cuts and incisions through out his person. Those little crossbow things hurt like hell!

The ghoul laid down on his back feeling the weight of the situation at hand. He knew he wasn't going to get much out of this excursion. Strangely, he found one of Sasorick's bolts nearby. He decided to keep it as a momento of the fierce battle. Lorenor gasped as he laid on the ground staring up at the ceiling. This was the culmination of all of his training...fighting a teddy bear and a reanimated skeleton.

Lorenor thought back to the fight with Joshua Cronen. That battle had been a real battle. He still remembered how much the powerful kick to his chest had hurt, though he was able to suck it up. He groaned, feeling the intense pain from the paper cut like wounds all over his body. The most serious injury was that one bruise on his thorax that really didn't need any medical attention.

A Scara Brae Knight took a hot blade to Lorenor's skin and sealed up the wounds with a steaming touch. Lorenor groaned loudly each time that the seering hot blade touched his flesh. Tears streamed down his face. He sighed as he sat there feeling his muscles tensed up. Norris walked over to Lorenor after the battle was done.

"You could have held back on him you know." The warrior said.

"Are you kidding Norris? I WAS holding back damn it."

The two warriors chuckled.

"You know for an undead, you aren't half bad despite that air of darkness about you."

"Thank you. I had to take advantage of that last hit, I was trying to end this ludicrous battle before it got anymore out of hand." Lorenor said to Norris. He was still in that sitting position feeling tired.

"What are you going to do now Lorenor?"

"Sleep for about a month." He said and laughed.

Norris laughed with him.

Fin.

[Karuka]

Okay, this took a little longer than I'd anticipated, but here it is.

Continuity:

ML: You did a very good job establishing your continuity. Even if I hadn't judged the fight against Krugor, I'd have known about it and about the fight with Cronen. I'm still not sure what brought him to SB, but what you had was good. One comment: make up your mind if Lorenor's "just another mouth to feed" or "hadn't eaten for many days."

9

SF: You took me through the journey and the reasons that Sasorick came to the Pagoda, and I got a good idea where he was going at the end. Good job.

9

Pacing:

ML: You kept breaking up the action to put in introspection. In battle, you shouldn't have the time to do that. It broke up the flow and got tedious, and you frequently said the same thing about three or four times in the same paragraph. Each post needs to be a little less epic and a little more harmonious with the thread as a whole.

3

SF: You did better here, the action kept going on your end.

6

Setting:

ML: It started off as solid and bland, and then you guys started ignoring the setting almost altogether, save for the dust and boxes.

4

SF: See Lorenor's comment, with the addition that you used it like I think a little guy ought to.

5

Persona:

ML: You did a good job of showing me Lorenor's emotions, and I got a better feel for him than I have in the past. One thing worth mentioning, though: you sounded really detatched when describing Lorenor in pain. Show, don't tell, and your score here will pick up.

6

SF: You did a good job here of showing Sasorick as a tiny but gumptious and humorous little guy.

8

Action:

ML: For the last time, the Scara Brae Knights have NOTHING to do with the Dajas Pagoda. I've told you that before. They especially wouldn't waste at least a half dozen of them to keep ONE little ghoul imprisoned. It's just impractical. If yuo want them as part of your story, have it so that if he leave, they can nab him - that's incentive to stay, or, if you feel you ABSOLUTELY need them, they can be the equivalent of those stupid NPCs in video games that do and say nothing worthwhile. They don't jeer, they don't encourage, they don't do anything. There are Pagoda Judges that keep an eye on things within the arenas and send for medical aide - we have a few Ai'Brone monks for that purpose.

Aside from that, I don't understand why he yelled out and surrendered...and then kept fighting for another six printed pages, and a note on dust: it creates friction, not negates it. It's the reason that baseball players can slide into Home Plate.

4

SF: Most of this was sensible for a little 3 pound, 1'1" teddy bear to do...but I do have a couple of notes for you. First, you shouldn't have been able to smash through the box in post 8; it seems like a bit much for a soft and fluffy projectile. Second, in post 16, the sword cutting into Sasorick's belly should have robbed him of both direction and momentum, and you've already established the zenith of Sasorick's jumping capability at 3', not Lorenor's 5'. The attempted kick to the face should have been well beyond his capabilities.

5

Dialogue:

ML: I liked the dialouge in this thread very much. It was both fitting and lively.

9

SF: See Lorenor's comment.

9

Mechanics:

ML: You have a pleothra of comma errors (some sentences require pauses, if you want specific sentences and examples, shoot me a PM). You should also write out numbers and avoid parentheticals whenever possible. You also have some scattered tense mix ups and choppy sentences, but this is the best I've ever seen from you.

7

SF: Don't capitalize after a semi colon, and try to break up some of your longr sentences.

7

Clarity:

ML: Two of George Orwell's tips for writing will serve you well: "never use a long word where a short one will do," and "never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent." Specifically, naming muscle groups was far too specific. Most people don't know them, and to see them in fantasy fiction is annoying, not impressive. Those terms belong in anatomy books for med students and artists to study, not on Althanas.

6

SF: One of Edgar Allen Poe's writing tenents would have done your first post very well: brevity. It was fun and funny, but dragged on and on. The intro sections could have been cut to two paragraphs a pop.

7

Technique:

ML: I noted some decent similes/metaphors, but some of them are kind of worn out.

6

SF: Not much use of formal technique, but there was plenty of humor.

6

Wildcard:

ML: This is honestly the best work I've ever seen from you, and I am pleased with your progress, and look forward to seeing you continue to progress.

7

SF: A fun thread with a fun character. I look forward to seeing more of you around.

6

Totals

ML: 61
SF: 73

Rewards

Stuffed Fury wins score-wise, and gains 1200 EXP.
Mutant Lorenor wins by rules of the Pagoda, and gets 200 EXP, 150 GP, and his souvenir tiny bolt, as well as retaining his Warrior position.

EXP/GP added!